| March 2002 Today Today I passed out When the clock turned seven-eleven And I lay on the floor Unaided and struggling Before I woke I dreamt About the horrors to come I saw myself But older, diseased and inflicted Indignity resided my soul In this vision before me Embarrassed by what I saw I knew I did not wish to continue This quest was over If pinnacle moment was such As had viewed grisly just now My mind was made up As I awoke from in-vitro sleep I was clear in action and thought There was no turning back now Today I killed myself Hotel Seething in smoky light Cigar glowing waiting area Stained fabric surround suit Armani Flickering box sits untampered Grunts and groans and strikes Matches lit and money exchanged Secret filming in process Highest bidder adult Punch and Judy shows Vomit stained carpet And addict riddled, flinching bathrooms Amidst four floors of lowest order Pleasure seekers and pain inducers dwell here Rough brick walls and cracked wooden doors Under flaking paint Broken glass shards under high powered footsteps As drone men disregard home-wise thought Raided - they scatter like roaches under spotlight Pistols at dawn and shattered windows Gun blazing rooms Blood tacky proprietor Out of business and extra decrepit Standing lone, but still used For drug suckers and pumpers Sad old hotel in the city skyline Old, Worn and Tattered When I grow old I wish for grace Good health minus pilled zoo trays All marbles sacked and secure When I grow old I'll be dribbling and uncanny To mental patient syndrome sufferers Babbling the apocalypse When I grow worn My eyes will turn crusty Hearing shallow and of no use to those alive Flesh hanging and ruffled When I grow worn I won't walk or move Be stuck like glue to chair old and musty Recounting my lost youth When I grow tattered My fingers will stay in arthritic limbo Trapping me within my final words passed My hair will fade and gray and fall When I grow tattered I'd wish to turn around and say goodbye Before descending lit corridor fantasy Hopefully, I'll never know such painful yearning I could still die prematurely Unknown This is just weird As I thought I wanted you But now I just don't know And it's all up and in the air twirling around Some things can never be changed Some things can never be figured out Some things can never go your way Some things never make any sense I am running through walls Quiet classical in my mind Trying to figure out whether Or whether not Your aura is just so attracting Pulling me closer still Yet I push myself away To view you all around So I just sit around I don't even wonder So I really don't know why I am writing this, wondering Razor Blade Glittering on the bathroom shelf Sunlight striking me across the face Like a vicious slap from you once Before at least Our gathering was a mere commercial Thirty seconds to filmic life It was in your eyes Before you did it to yourself And now the bed for two is lonesome with me But soon it will be ripped, removed From scattered home that once was I have been sucked towards I life with grace And fondle with sullen glee Caressing slowly and gently And then I go Crimson flows and leaves me I am stuck now For this was my end Razor blade induced finale to estranged living Fear and Loathing I fear growing forever frail I fear falling forever more I fear losing control I fear myself when I am unclear I loathe the senile future Unable to think, move or act as one Swimming in daily dosage Gargling pale fluid till last breath I loathe to be out of control Falling to my end, never ending Freedom to move But force of it knocks me away I loathe to be in someone's power Shifted as if I was their pawn Used and led on strings As Judy next to his Punch I loathe myself when unable To comprehend this world And my actions to cover up What I really feel The Day You Left Me It was a cold and slow day Hunched over in the cemetery alone People came and left, I was "okay" But they didn't guess for I had not shown How much I melted away that morning I sat on dew tipped blades While the Priest kept yawning And I thought of all the fallen comrades Who surrounded me in a coup They all knew, yet kept silent What else could I do? My rage grows ever violent At why mocking branches hang Their laughter ripping my skin And why you always sang Dancing like a delicate pin Rolling in the swift breeze of summer You left me and now I grow forever dumber Always wondering if somehow I can let you go But without you at my side My heart will forever lay low Amongst the gloom, I will now hide |