| 10.09.2002 Flat Line A ripping and tearing Shreds me to pieces As tribal beats Turn my mind to pulp Repeated image hurts me Of this one girl So special � an angel I see her wherever I go There must be an exit But where�s the door? I am trapped Weeping dryly into my palms She�s all I can think about All I can see All I can smell As I cling on for hellish mindset life But my fingers snap full back I plummet again and crash land To lie in my blood for days Before I vainly try to climb back up again But in this pit I will stay It just goes on every single day Pulling Me All my fears Swarm over me with leers Tie me down, gag me Then I am raped Face down on my concrete bed Ridiculed, rebuilt � destroyed I am, with whom you toyed The tide pulls in, snapping like a shark Everything grows cold and dark The candle blown out But not before my eyes Are glued shut by burning wax I am stripped, beaten and obliterated The pain runs through my blood so constricted Which oozes on to the floor For my lonely, painful, diseased death Giving me time to regret I wish I�d said, �I love you� to her �I�m sorry� to everyone I�m sure For now my murder is complete And I fade to a quick statistic Not missed, not loved by her, not anything Please Make Me Cry Faded � crippled audio Kill me Hurt me Shred me Fade me away Please, please, please! I beg of you just this I�m hating I�m hated I�m weeping I�m mocked I�m alone I�m surrounded Dead � for me please � GIVE IT! Pull out my eyes � for me the depressive manic maniac And burn my flesh Past the bone And make me choke Choke, choke, and choke on me But I don�t die I keep here in this limbo On and on I weep here But never shed a tear I wake I scream I cry I wish � I hope � I want I die PLEASE MAKE IT STOP! In His Cot At a cot I sit with my finger Placed through the bars My son�s hand clasped Gripped on to me tight He needs me And he keeps me alive As I sit drained Dead to the world My depression remained And in crumbling home I lived Then I exit and out Out on the hallway I beg Beg to my wife to stop it Keep me safe and warm forever Not let anything keep harming me But she cannot help me Instead she just keeps hugging me As I begin to cry Fall to my knees on the landing Outside my son�s crying room I shake, I cry, I fade Prophetic words led me here This deadly shell called �daddy� This crumbling wreck called �my love� And then a whistling wind Through nowhere land leads me away From the future I just dreamed She�s Still My Dream I stand at the sink in shadow alone Washing away all the feelings I own So I can strip away all the layers and more Forget the pain and just glare at the gore Fire burning in my eyes My heart throbbing with unheard cries As my bones crack, shatter and crumble to dust So my face hangs limp � laugh if you must All I wish I�d done was just to have spoken Three words to her eyes � instead of remaining so broken Then maybe she could have seen The depth of my devotion � how she is my dream But my time is up � at best I mime Hoping and praying for just a little more time So I could fix my regret and finally speak to her please Say she�s still my dream � with happiness and ease Most Painful Ride I wish I could be your friend Not just me � whom you can�t comprehend But you won�t be there at the end Your soft touch could mend This gaping wound called my heart I try to talk to you � instead I go insane Falling down one-way track like terror train Beaten and bruised and in so much pain At the end of the ride I just complain Because it�s all I have left to do I stumble weak and cautious from the ride Hollow and shattered � �at least you�ve tried� It was hopeless � so I sat there and sighed Before I slipped away � but nobody cried N.D.E. Lightening clatter, roar and rumble Contentment sinks away from humble Flash � a baby appears Face of grey and eyes full of tears Flash � I feel like I�m falling Outloud I�m screaming and calling I lose control, veer and am destroyed But I wake and am seated � I feel overjoyed? Take stock, assess the damage around Then breathing rushes � terror-filled sound I recount the story and fall into shock Shaking, gasping, hyperventilation hits me like a rock And then time loses all meaning I am held by this light so gleaming Fingers through my hair � I shake and shiver Body drawn close � my mind hangs by a sliver I fade and drift away in her arms Soaring so peaceful where nothing harms I was held � from someone like she The first time I was held � this is where I want to be **I wrote this after having a near-death-like experience when driving. It turned out to be a mostly harmless occurrence, but it shook me right to the core and terrified me. In the mindset of being invincible � driving fast and free � I was suddenly jolted back into reality and came crashing down with such a force that I ended up falling into shock as my friends gathered around. I was hyperventilating and hallucinating the strangest things � I was completely blown away and could not comprehend anything, my memory somewhat wiped of all happenings in the past hour. But then she calmed everything down, brushed her fingers through my hair, slowed down my breathing and held me close to comfort me and soon I came out of shock and managed the rest of the drive home � going somewhat very slow in comparison to what is my usual. It may seem stupid as it wasn�t anything serious, but it�s given me a better understanding of life�s worth. I have more respect for it now. It could have been much worse and I could be dead right now. And that is one of the things that drove me into shock and forced me to re-evaluate things.** There Before Me, She Drifted Away She gave me one last hug One last kiss on the cheek So I buried my head Into her shoulder And closed my eyes So tight � I wish I�d cried I wish I�d said what I thought Why didn�t I talk to her more? I wish I�d shared with her Why didn�t I do things different? It all came to an end All of us ripped apart Spread around like autumn leaves So stripped away We feel hollow and dying The sorrow of all our regrets Flooding back to haunt again And then she left Disappeared into the dark I lost her again And yet again it breaks my heart **About a girl I just can�t seem to forget or make sense of all the feelings and thoughts I have for and about her. This was written just after coming back home, having been out all night with my friends one last time before everybody was to leave for University. Some of us had gotten a lift and she was sat beside me, I forced myself not to look at her, hoping it�d make seeing her vanish easier, but it didn�t. I could just feel her coursing through my veins as we sat beside each other in the back of the car and then we arrived at her home. Like the others, she gave me one last hug and a kiss on the cheek before she stepped out of the car and slowly faded away into the darkness of the night and that was the last I saw of her. I�m not sure when I�ll see her next, but I�m finding it so hard to let her go. She struck me so hard and shone so brightly inside my head and heart that it�s hard to leave things behind. But day by day I�m going through it. It�s strange. It was like in slow motion, the hug, her stepping from the car, saying goodbye and then walking into the darkness and slowly, slowly disappearing. My eyes seared with sadness and my heart sank, but I knew it�d eventually have to happen. I knew we were all going our separate ways eventually, but now that it�s happened, I regret the things I did not say, the things I did not do and the things I did do, but would want to change. Life sucks when it throws a hardball like this** |