| July 19th 2002 Think I'll Go Insane Everytime I regress into my head Delving into that murky abyss That feeling is resurrected That deep-veined passion It makes me crack - wish I were dead Makes me remember things I miss Moves me - makes me instructed I'm an automaton drained of compassion I want to be alone With my thoughts and grumbles To hide away from everyone Because I feel ashamed for feeling Forgotten all I should have been shown So I dwell in divided room of lost marbles Hoping to be visited by that someone That extra-special one from whom I'm fleeing Ranging from mellow mood To screaming sadness I pitch back and forth on stormy sea Holding on for dear life Hoping for cheers - all I find is me booed Amongst organised madness When I escape I'll feel glee If I forget her and the etc, will this end the strife? Staring At The Wall Dreaming the inane And breathing the insane You and me are to blame You for not killing me - me for not killing you The happy days were always gone And we're highlighted by those who shone Before it's too light - we'd better be gone Or suffer our lives of drivel Battling hard and long for you We're bypassed and rejected - what will we do? Attention-seeking-suicide - that too? Cut off the oxygen tent Live like all others - filled with hate In day-dream state Seeking for whatever to compensate We get it wrong over and over again Our future's bleak Marred by bloody streak after streak Let's start all over again Gutted You are the one I want And I want to be alone You are the one I see And see how I quiver around you You are the killer of my heart And a heart beat is what I need You are the one for me And it is me who is dying for you You are my hopes and dreams And dreams are all I have of you inside my head You are gone now And now is when I am gutted 7 to 9 Survival Trapped in circles of same and old Monotonous cries and words like drivel Your life you used to live was sold Boredom drips off the walls And all day you criticise the clock As inane comment calls I'll be there when you come home - your place to go But I'll be asleep from tiring day A day you'll never know In the morning I'll wake But you'll be gone before I could say goodbye This is life and then we die All for the world's sake **Just thinking about how the 9 to 5 gets in the way of life and living - it really being 7 to 9 now - families are becoming distant facilities where nobody knows anybody anymore and we all go quietly into the arms of friends instead - or even the anonymous net. Survival means there is a cost - and that is humanity.** I Must Dwell I am my own source My source of most frustration And I hate myself It is so frequent Now it's just the norm For me it is all a struggle I never take the easy route And I plague myself With pain and sorrow Because of all the things I did wrong The rights remain outweighed And the scales are falling down Around me - my walls collapse But the pen keeps writing Logging my denial, depression and deprivation Forever - let's let it last forever I'll never let it stop And if it does I'll start it again And keep rolling down, down and down I'm Weeping I'm trapped here On this bloody floor Screaming Bleeding - I try to plug the hole But the geyser bursts Wailing, incessant arguments Whirl around my tormented ears I cup my hands over my eyes To catch the tears gushing out Before I drown in my bed In my bed I lie alone Writing down the evidence And wishing I were not here Or that I had someone A deep and meaningful someone just for me Just for me - to just help me My hands tremble as I think of it As such thoughts remind me Of her and all my other pain And then I just can't go on I've wanted to jump, cut deep or drown So I could not be here I've dreamt long and deep of my yearnings And when no relief I need is given I know that life just sucks Go Away All my feelings have been shredded I relive that one moment I dreaded I split and out loud I bleed All is missing, all that which I need I'm nothing new, so why is it? There is no help - I always feel like s**t I've decayed all hope So much so I cannot cope I just want out So I can bleed, cry and shout I want to give in As if I was tempted to sin For all I've seen I must come clean For I have not found for what I yearn And you all know I'll never learn I am simple - I just want the girl Oh what I would sacrifice for the girl The feeling, contact and stability It's all I want - not this humility Broken Wall Walking down this drab old street I drown in the grays And I realise I've lost my vision My focus is missing as the cold drives in I claw at the air in front As if I was dying for air My distress goes unseen Even here in public I am alone Overshadowed by the five-minute-wonder Trembling tears from my eyes Are killed by the sudden downpour And I am now soaked on lonely street Those in warm and trendy coffee bars just stare through As I trudge on amidst thick and thicker Hoping to reach the end Disappearing to never be seen, heard or felt I become cemented and trapped Another brick in my own broken wall Their Faces Fade Away Falling into blackened abyss My flesh scrapes the jagged walls I am wailing, crying in pain Dying to get out - get free As my two loves stand above Watching me fall and die What can I do? Nothing but force myself to cry Not that I even wanted to My two loves' faces fade away Disappear into the obscure As they mime their goodbye "Good riddance" For I will never live another day Even when alive All I did was sigh And sink into the sadness Skipping any - even all the gladness All I want to do is plain I just want to drift alone And die Stoic Soul I am the deadpan The stoic guy You always wonder What's going on inside me I do too But inside me Lies twisting, self-inflicted torture A self-destruct button Next to my hopes of confessing love Never kissed Never freed I remain untampered Untouched, unloved by her, unwanted A coldness is in my soul I am too scared I shy away Go to bed - off to sleep But instead I just Lie there and stare Into the wall The wall of darkness And here I find my place This is who and how I am And I live with it Everyday Flashes Brushing teeth with deadened eyes Ears ringing with silent cries White paste drips from mouth ajar Face stricken - sunken - lost in afar Golden blinds hang down Over burning sun's crown Shattered reflection cast long Hope and life - so tired - all gone Falling face and crippled body Sighing slowly in coffin of nobody Tacky eyes prodded to wake Black rings - grow - for someone's sake Body hung limp from bed Swirling blood drains from head Faint and drab colour become Somewhere - to be - for some Sickness in stomach pit To continue for long and all the shit Doped up dreams pound and pound With drilling sound - after - sound Stale breath oozes out No more scream, no more shout Strip lights luminate and fade While - my life - turns to darker shade If it weren't in my head I'd be dead I Am Me I can't see What makes me So different But at the same time You are all the same chime That drowns me I won't see Another view from here, from me Just so stuck in me But this is me alone And this is only my home I am not yours I am me only And that means I'm lonely But this is me - my life This is how I am - can't you see? So accept it and stop killing me I am who you never made |