| 29th May 2002 Wish To Be Happy I slit my throat And watch the blood just flow Down onto the floor Bathing my feet Seeping under the door All I want is a room so cold Where I can lie And grow so numb Let my hands wither and My skin turn so old Let me fall to the ground And scrape my face As I make a muffled sound Wailing to be set sailing Left to drift on stormy seas My eyes bleed when I cry And my tongue shrivels Everytime I sigh And I am left emotionless Forced not to feel, becoming careless I'd wish to God If I believed in him Some say it's a sin But it's how I see And want to be Without hope - When will it die? Bleed onto the floor like me Go away to give me life Jettison me as unwanted cargo Because I don't want to be here Living in fear Must Come Down Soaring above the trees In land of dreams In land of rights Never a wrong in sight And all going my way It's only moments though Before I come crashing down Re-entering reality Letting jagged leaves strip my skin And the nails through my eyes collapse into me With force of avalanche I collide with my fears My dreams and my failures All lined up on crosses in front For me to spray with fire Before I am sent away So I torch it all All I do is destroy And without further notice I am hoisted off my feet To be thrown down Beside my grave dug out Dripping with my loathing Of all I've done wrong I fall in line and fall down Strapped in for the ride As the soil comes down Choking me slowly, tearing me up As my weeping eyes Become muddied lakes And as my writhing hands Stay tied up and raw Then I am left half buried Half-dead, half-finished Having only half-lived And now I die - but just a little For I am to be tortured still Rising Dawn The dawn rises over an eerie place After a night of giving chase The mindless wonders amble on All senses dulled or gone There are fewer people now How they came, nobody knows The plague is coming, everyday there are more Leaving trails of unseen, uncut gore Escaping, fleeing the scene To somewhere else you've never seen Attempted shelter is a joy But the plague is outside, curious as a boy Material wealth and much excess If it falls it will leave much mess Will we survive? Nobody knows The plague comes and civilisation goes Mystical gleaming of perfume off glass Fur coats, money by the bundle and food, all en mass Free for all, but obsessed by selfishness People own, without purchase, it's meaningless Raiders and looters eye up the prize The following is of no surprise Shattered dreams of nirvana now lost For all this, what is the cost? Lives gone, the light dulls The loss of human life, un-natural culls A splattered mess left intact Hopes and dreams for escape compact Minimal fuel, no chance of life anymore Will they get to shore? To flee, head somewhere else to survive Leaving the new slaughter of the hive Dying Is Better I am crying so hard now Because you're not here And I'm not with you - wherever you are The pain is endless So I screw up in a ball in my bed Rock back and forth clinging to myself Just to feel some physical contact Some connection with someone That someone - the special one Her Without her I feel pain Around her I feel pain I caused her pain And all because I said how I felt The whole truth and nothing but I feel like I destroyed her Violated her by forcing Forcing my feelings on her Especially when I still knew That they'd remain unreciprocated And now I choke On self-loathing for this selfish act I can keep it locked away mostly At least when occupied But then when it comes My rage at myself My tears and sorrow Clenching of body - all knows no bounds All creating more pain Fit for my ending punishment Helping enduring pain survive To keep killing me I keep this feeling alive It cannot be ignored I've tried I've tried not to feel But I'm still weeping, shaking In fear of it, myself, everything Why did it all have to happen? Welcome To Adulthood Another year passed by Having slipped through your fingers Childhood candles all blown out The smell no longer lingers Even school's speeding - now "further" approaches - - Leaving behind "high" The teenage now over, gone At least technically I'm now an adult in the system Am I still the little child who shone? Now choking mechanically Under stresses and strains - The mayhem - - What will come to follow? When will it be over? The final curtain call But there's more to life - otherwise I'd be hollow Will I find the one? So present pain will be memory distant I guess I'll just have to wait and see Come what may And all other phrases similar I hope the world will let me be Let me make my dreams come true My future be bright and rosy None of this is guaranteed though My way it may not go Although it had better do Or someone will pay I'm having life my way Make my life mine And that way I'll stay **5:27pm GMT, May 30th 2002. I turned 18 - it's scary - where did everything go? But what is coming? Life is scary - I'm scared - but it's the only way I guess - happy birthday to me.** Rollercoaster Although I only discovered love Just in the past two years To me it's all I've known To love somebody so much You'd gladly take a thousand bullets for them But I also know the pain Now for a second time round When things go wrong So badly messed up Two loves Two failures Zero experience of anything past Past saying those three words Never kissed Or held similarly affectionately Not even hands - I feel cut off An emotional cripple of sorts Disconnected It's been an experience Hardening, sobering Making you want to weep, fall down, bleed But also feel high around the girl Whether feelings felt were for one Or at a time - two The rollercoaster never got easier Just harder More turns, loops, screaming fear And when I fell off second time round The pain is greater I hope I find the one and only soon Although there's only one at the moment That I see like that But it's not mirrored If I don't find the one soon - I'll die I can't take falling, the pain Much more - too much - too much Muddy Wondering about house closing in I'm disconnected - bit of a loner I'm suffocating within these walls My chest tightening, hands clenched Hovering over sink so bloody My tears filling it to the brim My face so stricken with familiar sanguine I quiver as my cries go unfelt Although a couple have heard They've never experienced it in person This pain I trudge through I don't understand it I have everything I could ever need But I'm not happy so often Pain and suffering are my familiar feelings I'm drifting away What caused this agony? Was it my love for her? I cannot get over it Was it my own inadequacies? I force myself not to feel Was it my claustrophobic actions? I live within my own world Still standing at the sink A fractured reflected assures How bad I feel As shards ooze from my knuckles I fold, bend, shake and whimper Before erupting into unstoppable tears My horror hits me And with small steely aid I hit back one last time **I wish it'd end** Can You Take It All Away? Bleeding - falling to the hard wood floor Alone - cowering beside the locked door Dying - nothing left for me Idle - sitting unwanted is how I am to be LOVE - the disease I have avoided Agony - the suffering I have gained Pain - the product of my punches I pull on myself SUFFERING - why won't it end? Rotten - my hands curl up and fall off Crippled - my eyes dry up - I can never cry again Crawling - across the floor as I splutter and cough Bruised - battered by love RAW - left irritated and needing placebo Flaking - my skin peels away STRETCHED - the flesh tears and rips apart Stressed - the shakes won't go away Sorry - I feel pity for myself Strung out - I don't know how much longer I can go on Pity - something I dwell in Selfish - how I feel when I pity myself Ridicule - I feel it everywhere for my strange ways ZERO - how I have felt for many days Contagious - I am a disease Self-affliction - I've brought it on by my methods LOST - I can't find the way out Seeking - the key to set me free THE ONE - the other thing I seek for Bitten - I wish I'd die from the wound Rabid - I'm not that lucky - I spread it instead Nothing - there's nothing left Screaming - alone and in the dark FEAR - like swimming next to hungry shark Hate - I hate this Wrong - how I deal with this Empty - how I feel of frequent nights Crying - how I yearn to be to gain release Despised - my paranoia takes over Followed - the feeling continues COLD - out in the open and lying on driftwood HOLLOW - my eyes collapse Breezed by - left to be a mere moment in time Left behind - can't catch up Torn up - left to decay Pulled - mangled up and thrown away Soured - by two years of love-induced suffering Scratched - I wish I'd rip off my skin and start afresh Stoned - beaten down to the dry blood-caked floor Despair - how much longer will it ensue? CONDEMNED - sent walking through the closing door Lonely - wishing to be with someone special NEVER - will it happen - or so it seems to me Inexperience - how to interact with girls - I'm a complete rookie Gone - with the wind, blown away forever Weeping - into my shaking and heavy hands Tear - drips down my face Shaking - when I'm around her HORROR - when I see how I caused her pain F****d - I'm too far gone to be saved Terror - why did it happen? DARK - if I hide away it'll never happen again Fired - out of a cannon and sent sailing Melting - as I re-enter reality Comprehend - I can't do it anymore - nothing makes sense Screwed up - and cast aside Destroyed - obliterated and fried Crumbling - like ancient statue of warning Slipping - off the slope Fa�ade - slips as I fall FALLING - my teeth rattle as I call Smeared - across the papers as dead loner Blurred - my reality obscured by hypotheses Misunderstood - by all except maybe two Struggling - to find that brightly-lit hall Searching for words - to describe enough to make it clear NO! - You'll never understand, never hear Sure? - Yes, I am Honesty - I can't speak the truth in person WAITING - to be able to Schizophrenic - I feel like one, it's my explanation Tastes of blood - I sap the life from my peeled flesh Ripped apart - destroyed is my hurried mesh Broken - never to be fixed Child - I am far away in never land on my own DOWN - deep down I bury everything Deeper - just a little deeper, to keep it locked away Scathed - it seeps back to the surface Hanging - by rope burning my snapped neck TORTURED - as I am left to be fed upon by waiting crows Yearning - to be lifted aloft Freedom - to that place so soft Outside - it fades away, I am DISAPPEARING |