| May 20th 2002 This Weakness I keep messing it up Making things worse I live to blunder so it seems to me If I keep going like this My last ride will be in a hearse I've told you in further detail now Of how I love you so much I cannot breathe, my chest is so tight You are the best of everything I want Yet you deny that you're anything special You say it's not hurt you But my excruciating agony lives on Because I know I really have And all I can do is say sorry Even then though, you say to stop But I can't and I will continue to torture myself And see how long before I end up dead All alone and frozen in pain Nearing The Brink If I died right now Right here and all alone How would you take it, right down to the bone? But if I passed away, doesn't matter how I'd feel nothing anymore Or would the pain just become even more? This agony I face Is too much for me to handle I'd rather burn flesh on naked candle I'm in an enduring chase Trying to find the one, the first Seeking the absolute love to fulfill my thirst I've hurt you, and I can't forgive myself Even if you say to But that, I can never do Just place me on the shelf And let me fade away So you can live without my pain I forced on you, everyday The Ocean Forgets I walk along the dock And let the salt-water spray soak my face So that thick beams stream down Disguising my tears Just as if they were never there Just like me A cold chill snaps at my eyes and nose My hands becoming raw and cracked The blood beginning to flow But being washed away As if it was never there Just like me But leaving a sting that lingers As I reach the end of the rotten pier I look down quietly into the blue abyss And it looks back at me Turning to stone as it does so And laughing as it cuts off my route As if I wasn't there As if it didn't care about my pain As if that never existed So I spit into its skepticism And turn on my heels As if the sea wasn't there Just like me But I am And I'm trapped - hoping all day To find a way out Just so I won't be there for real Damn Me For Loving You I feel as if I must be punished For loving you like I do So deep and true For always thinking "what if" For it never being finished All this time you were never there to see And I always knew it could never be Will I ever find her? The true on and only for me Will she find me too? And love me true This feels like murder Us both knowing how I feel and want us to be My deepest dream will never come to light As for me, there will never be love at first sight Punish Me Strung up and tied down I am whipped To make me feel shame I am the one to blame And I am to be stripped Of all identity - given generic gown I feel it, feel the pain And it's what I deserve Because I am just destruction All this revenge on me is construction So please observe That I'm sorry for falling for you - it'll never happen again Dreaming Of You It'd be a dream come true If you fell for me Just like I did over you And if you came over here To hold my hand I'd never let go and stay sincere If you cuddled up close to me I'd keep you warm all through the night And then you'd feel my overwhelming glee That you'd chosen to be right there With me and next to me Knowing it was safe to share If you stroked my hair And kissed me softly It'd be my first and if it were the last, I wouldn't care Because then there's only you Who would have touched my lips And I'd know the magic you do If you loved me for all I am I would easily reciprocate And then I'd no longer need to block it back like I was a dam When I'm sad and wept You'd dry my tears And keep me nicely kept You'd always be there for me Likewise I would act To keep letting you see How much I want you, you are the one I need But this is just a dream - all fiction So I'll just continue to die and bleed **I am without you and I feel the pain of your absence so deeply. I can't stop thinking of you - you are so special and magical to me - I wish you felt the same so badly - but I know you won't - so I must just struggle hopelessly on** Followed Waiting, hiding in the shadows Until it goes away Skipping past the pool where it wallows I proceed cautiously to love out today As I walk home on my own And I crunch over hardened leaves I piece together all I've been shown And realise how much it bereaves So my face turns to sorrow My pace becomes slow A smile is all I want to borrow To make the pain just go The cold sets in And the snow begins to fall My unresolved actions are sin And after I fade - I must walk that lonely hall Euphoria Recalled I was standing in the park Breathing in the joy When the sun turned to stone And my flesh fell from the bone Like I was a destroyer's toy My eyes turned to jagged bark And my tears became crystal glass Pinching my skin The clouds moved in on me As everyone felt deep glee Realising the sin As everything died - even the grass All this came before I fell Screaming and wailing Out of the mechanic womb That was merely my tomb Limbs outstretched and failing And before I know it - I was in hell Peculiar Feeling I feel weird now I don't know what I think To end this insecurity What do I do, and how? We went and saw a movie In our little group And it went nice and smooth But I felt a little strange - what could it be? You know how I feel So deeply I have spoken And so nicely you've understood But there's still one dream I'd like to steal You are who I love I can't change that Even though I force myself not to think it At that strange brink, nobody there to shove I'm still madly fallen for you But I've beaten myself into submission Will it pile up, or will it fade? And this pain I hope will fade too These slippery steps are awkward My footsteps apprehensive And I tremble as I go; sometimes I wish to regress But I mustn't - I'm no coward **Having told her, I feel so weird now, is this what it's like to get over someone? Or is this the calm before the storm? Whatever it is, I know I'll keep forcing myself not to feel** Hunted Down Trapped and alone Entombed and chased into this corner You cry in horror As the windows break Your soul they'll take And you won't die in honour Just isolated, cold and screaming This old cabin is far from home The scratching at the doors is their call All locked but not safe enough Drives you mad And into coma fear as they fall This way comes the beasts Breath foul, claws bloody, eyes locked on you You're last thought is terror-filled chaos As you become one of many feasts The Knight (Unheard Requiem) As the weeping Cathedral faded Under mossy stone The lone armoured Knight sat His sword withdrawn and battered He sighed; head in hands so tattered And he pondered how he'd end up like that Linking it to all he'd been shown Now he couldn't help but feel jaded The demons were slain His mission complete Under stormy sky That grimaces down into his eyes He had much reason for his cries Inner peace out of reach - so high The burning suffering - the searing heat His only love dead and buried, he had much reason to complain But now he's stuck and alone As even stone melts away His sorry consumes him whole And his tears kill the grass below Pushing around in some wicked puppet show The devil has sapped his soul He's too far gone, he won't make it another day Left outside damp and cold, never to return home Relapse I may have coped well For a few days so drawn out But now I'm relapsing Back into my pain and sorrow Just a small thing she says Can send me spiraling down From innuendo yarn to emotional scar Playing unintentionally on fading hormones and deep love for her I feel I must atone For pain I've caused But trying to keep everything quiet, locked up Especially away from her I could not cause her more pain If I did, I'd die How could I harm her? Or have let myself even say I loved her I feel she is the one She is, put simply, perfect We like and do the same things Even think exactly alike So this makes the pain worse Because I see her as the one And falling after the hurdle Hurts me so deeply I try to ignore these feelings But come darkened night It all creeps back And tears me apart I think of her 24/7 And this can't help but bring The chest grabbing loss of breath That leaves me crippled - such as now Ruined Act like I'm not around And maybe I'll disappear From your memory so tender Destroying the pain I gave you I'll pretend I never made a sound And that you didn't hear Like I was caught in a blender And hopefully you'd not help - there'd be nothing anyway, that you could do I wish I'd said "I like you" Instead of "I love you" Because I know I've scared you Although I never meant to hurt you When I have a thought I feel I've violated her Like I'm thinking of her without permission So I punch myself hard In the pain I get caught Dragged down so much further Like it's my mission Right down to my final playing card I can't do anything but screw up I fail to impress End up feeling sorry for myself Wishing to be alone and darkened So I tell myself to shut up Stop being selfish by feeling, causing stress Stick me alone forever on the shelf Until I die, my flesh hardened **Feeling so deeply sorry for forcing my feelings on her - I'm such a stupid person, all I caused was pain. So I force myself to feel nothing, punish myself for saying those three words to her. Why did I do it? I can't help but destroy.** |