| 24th - 29th April 2002 Battered Slice She sits alone in fear The noise of him thundering Clattering items gathered Throughout the years His shouts are common and predicted His eyes red in anger His fists worn down already She plans it all out And gathers her composure Before she takes her chance Achy Breaky Nobody told me What to think when it walked in Nobody said to me What to do instead of act like tin The sensation is as if drunk The world whirling by And you don't know what to do when sunk All you can do is ponder and sigh She is wonderful to put it plain All others around her fade to black And she is spotlighted aboard the speeding train She still is unaware of the tear in the track I will eventually let it slip out And she will finally know Knocking her down with such a clout Especially when she'll say no Nobody told me What to say when it happened Nobody saw me When I slouched so flattened Feeling Like This I fell As if I am a dot in her world I feel constricted And I want to get free from when I was hurled I am not good enough for her She is simply far beyond My head wobbles about I feel bloated and ugly I am weakened around her orbit And I cannot talk at all All I feel like doing is to cry But I just can't find the energy I don't want these feelings It's simpler without them They are inflicted at the wrong time always And nothing works out How do any get paired? And what happens to those left aside? Forever to roam for servings for one It's a sad world after all In my bed in darkness I can hide But vulnerably placed in the open I sulk, self-pity and vomit at this horrid show All I want to do is just go Hanging On Please forgive me For being in awe of you so I don't want to make you feel sad When you reject me as I know you will do But can I tell you anyway? This I think is impossible Except chickening out online And typing my feelings But I feel this is the only way How depraved is that? I hate not feeling confident And always falling just short I see you as perfect No matter what you say about yourself Why can't I tell you all of how I feel? This just eats me up To think of you is to feel happiness and pain All together in some bastard broth Gut wrenching pain and fear confront me often All I want is for you to know But I am too weak to say I'd need some medium to do so How pathetic I feel is monstrous Just leave me out to dry I Want To Poke Out My Eyes Lying face down all on my own Writing out my pain It all feels like such a mess Going over it again and again I'm playing myself at chess A game I don't know how to play On and on, all I want to do is say How much I love you All that you do I see you as so perfect, intricate and with grace But I keep throwing into my eyes so much mace And the blurring obscures you from me I just get things all wrong you see So this is the only time I can say such things But wait and see what it brings Nothing is what Just pain and my suffering as if shot I wish you could see this - what I have shown Not Again? I've done it again I've gone and fucked it all up I've gone and caused you pain I tired to say something And now I'm regretting it Why could I not say nothing? I am sure you are hurting And I kick myself for even speaking I feel like some psycho lurking All I can manage is to screw it all up Throw away everything one dreams of And just sleep until the call Why must I operate like no other? Unique? No, awkward is what I am Someone to me, please smother Until I fade away into obscurity And be forgotten so you may not longer feel bad That is the only security Why Did I Do It? What have I done? Why did I write all that? I've gone and damaged everything Please return to sender Why did I do it? Am I selfish for doing so? My words have no doubt caused harm I am the wreaking ball Why did I not stop myself What am I going to do? I wish to God I'd said nothing now And instead left it all unsaid The Out Of Control Teenager I'm such a stupid boy I said how I felt Yet I don't know if she knows And I spent the day avoiding her eyes I can't make sense of anything I feel so dumb Like a vegetable walking without purpose I'm feeling like I'm drunk and floating in space I feel so wasted I'm so fucking stupid I can't go on And I'm plotting my suicide I'm only here because of others I don't care about myself This is all too much It's a crushing pressure on this fragile teenage mind I'm so God damned useless I can't remember anything Can't say to her face How much I love her So what do I do? When I sink inside me Drowning slowly Until I suffer no longer I am so negative So cruel and jaded I sit alone And listen to trusting music Caught up inside my lies My stupid wishes All of which I can't obtain I've even got errand runners searching So why do I live? So screwed over and choking Why do I scream? All night, all day This can't go on Surely not So when will it end? Make it now - for the love of God Help me through this This time I'm dying Through my strange ways and feelings I hate myself and all I stand for The only one I love Doesn't know Thanks to modern technologies And I'm such a God damned wuss My head aches long And I want to die Suck all the sand And dry my eyes I don't want to be here I don't want to stay like this I just want to stop And never breathe again So help me now Help me finish it Stop this pain This twisted torture I dwell all day And my sleep is wasted It all sucks And I don't know why Please stop them These demons Who kick my head in And laugh at me so slow and mean If I died tomorrow This is my final message A full stop in my life And a nail in that wooden box Help me please! Turning The Worst Corner I've got invisible men Biting the backs of my heel And it tickles behind my eyes God only knows why I feel My fingernails are greasy and cracked Hammers clattering down over and over The blood spattering out Making me so sober My hair is removed one strand at a time Until my head and body is cold I flinch when looking in the mirror My skin is wrinkled - I look so old I've got my brain onto boil And the temperature's rising Surface blisters exploding painfully The steam through my flesh is sighing My feet itch And remain unscratched So much pain That still hasn't hatched I'm being deconstructed layer by layer And I go blind so slowly Where will I go from here? Some place holy? Wherever I may roam I spread my illness and seed Searching so hard and long Just to be freed Understanding You'll never understand How I feel from day to day And how I continue to tick Why I feel so sick Why I'm no more than okay Why I just want your hand I'm sick of insecurity How my mind acts strange and weird And how I stagger my words My rants come in herds And my eyes are always teared And I seem to sink into obscurity I want to be able to say, "I love you" To the one I do In person - face to face But I lack the courage in the chase Someone likes you, but as she thinks - "who?" I wish she could see, maybe feel this, too One day everything will work And I'll no longer walk in pain Or sleep wastefully But the slog lasts strainfully And my power will often wain But I hope to pull my eyes from the murk Then everything will be fine And I'll be happy And with the soul mate of my dreams It's not as easy as it seems I'll try and avoid being sappy But everything will slot together given time |