| 3rd and 6th April 2002 Perfect You I don't get to talk to you much But I really wish I could And be free and open And let you see the real me Who is the real me? That is me in my head The one you do not know Or have not seen I show glimpses online In text is fine with me But I lack that face to face know how So I am doomed to stay here Forever trapped inside my head My awful form My ravaged features Always asking why Why could I not tell you? Tell you what I want to Even online Possibly as a truth giving, joked fa�ade I have pondered saying it to you Those three little words Hardest of them all when joined But when preparing, I fall Even if it was under said 'joke' I still couldn't do it Just so I could see a reaction And turn back time with a joke in case In case you said pleasant declines That would year me up Leave me for dead I can't say these words I can only say them in these written words This scrappy and implicit journal This journal I live with It's therapy - or is it a delay? Those simple words bind me I want to say them to you Perfect you I love you When It Came Without reason it struck And now causes concern The bullets I tried to duck Trying to figure out - when will I learn? Why must I be trapped so? Be condemned as such I just want to up sticks and go Is that asking too much? I don't know what to do Except write and obsess Do you feel the same way too? This matter I hope to redress Chewed up wounds pull apart Around my lung cavity The symptoms of a broken heart Stuck in such naivity I wish I could express vocally But I can't and I regret And I act so moronically Please, for my sanity, don't forget Don't forget me and these words Why It Is You You are so sweet Beautiful in every sense Smart and witty all day and night You are inside my head so much So much I have grown accustomed To your presence mentally Now I just wait for physical being But this won't happen Your distinct face keeps my eyes warm At night I dream subconscious Of you so tenderly So as cotton buds are your fingers I am madly fallen For you are my dreams I want to be with you no matter how short And savour your scent Your eyes are the colour of other worldly skies Interstellar personality flows strong From you so perfect Please don't change - please Your hair mesmerises me When the wind plays with it So soft and thick and yet so light Carefree - like you seem to me I wish it could be But I have no confidence And other forces keep me I wish they weren't there How did you get so amazing? And how does it stick so strong? You appreciate what you have and are I wish I could do that You are a dream Inside a person living Could this be possible? How could so much good reside in one? I am in awe of you I so wish I could say this to your face This seems like a cop out But it's the only way I can do it For that I am sorry I should do better by you But this keeps you in the dark longer Am I trying to save you any embarrassment? I don't know But I am mad, crazy and insane over you And I wish I could say it to your face This seems to useless Why must I torture myself so much? Maybe enough will bring reward? I hope so, but I doubt it Why must I be doomed? Doomed to not achieve you Be with you and breathe you Why must I only write of you? This drives me too far gone Please save me I am struggling on just this side I need reciprocation But that like you, is a dream I could write about you forever And it seems I am Quivering as I scribble away Oh for success I wish As torchlight flickers To imitate candles I imitate confidence But my silence is too strong I am not confident enough But I have drive Love - I have for you I want to give you But I don't want to hurt you The kind and considerate you are As if I said something You'd die if you rejected me And I'd die mutually For both losing and causing pain Rifts and so forth would result I guess I should just stay quiet about what you mean to me The Quiet Night Stalkers They crawl around in the darkness Heaving chests with deep breaths Eyes moving quick to scan surround Quietly they creep around Under their veils of black cloth Inventing new methods of demise Everytime a precision ballet Time after time after time Never growing tired - they're unrelenting Inside their heads is horror and writhing Gliding free and controlling Horror is their drive Towards the next kill always Stay locked away - maybe you'll live Torture awaits otherwise Although luck is rare near them Live your last breaths to the full Killing is in their blood Each one a notch on their frail belts Revenge is what they seek So don't get in their paths - or die Dead Flies In The Asylum The horror of my screams Only adds to the mayhem Within these white wash walls Arranged sleep and movements Rehearsed, rehashed, reused Dead flies collect on my window They stare me out till they die Heat burns them dry Every one a bullet in my coffin Lights buzz on still Inserting a droning in my head Growling on throughout chained goodnight Hearing other's screams in the orchestra Tomorrow I'll join in - nothing else to do Yawning is something to do Or collecting remnants of past thoughts Unorganised into a crippled and hobbling play Go and seek the light Otherwise you'll be here for a while Progression I sleep with a small torch on Lighting the area till I'm gone It slowly gets colder As I get a little older A little dumber each morning Memories escape when I'm yawning Creaking cartilage resides in my fingers And the ache just lingers Hollow eyes drown my pupils Sleep a little longer with two pills Until my eyes grow weary Tired of my lids so teary How long this will be Who knows - let's just see Maybe one day I can run Forever in the mid-May sun |