Chapter 57
After watching the sunset, then it becoming dark, Gwen walked into the bedroom and looked at the clock. It was nearly nine o’ clock at night and she couldn’t believe that she had been out on the balcony for nearly eight hours. While out there, she did a lot of soul searching, and came to the conclusion that it was wrong of her to be acting the way she had been today. As the guilt continued to consume her, she decided that she was a fool for not going to Nick sooner and that she needed to make sure that he was ok. He always took such good care of her, put her first and most of the time, she totally disregarded how he felt because she was so self-absorbed. This was one of those times.
Gwen slowly walked down the staircase and looked down into the formal living area, she knew that he wouldn’t be there. Making her way into the kitchen, she noticed a plate set for her on the table that looked like it had been there for a couple of hours. This made her feel worse, this proved that he had been wishing for her to come and talk to him. She knew this was her fault, and whatever state that he was in she would be responsible for and she probably deserved whatever reaction she got. Gwen found Nick in the den, laying on the floor watching some cheesy made for TV movie. This made her smile, he wasn’t even paying attention to it, he was all spaced out. Timidly, she made her way to him and sat down behind him, her legs out to either side of him. She felt him lean back against her and heard him sigh. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and held him close to her. They stayed like this for a while, Gwen broke the silence and whispered softly, “I’m sorry Nicky.”
He knew she was on the verge of tears, he also knew that he wasn’t far from the same point. Nick turned and faced his wife, and began wiping the tears away from her eyes, they had just begun to fall, “You know Gwenny, you don’t have to do this alone...”
She looked up at him, realizing that he thought that the reason she was pushing him away is because she didn’t trust him. “I know...but its just hard...”
“Honey, I know it is hard, but we have to stick together on things. If we are going to make this work you can’t keep pushing me away. We have to talk about it, everything...I need to know what is going on with you,” Nick said, his voice full of both concern and emotion.
She looked down and sat up straighter, placing her hands in her lap, she felt almost ashamed, “I’m just scared, that’s all.”
Picking his words carefully, Nick lifted her face so that she was looking him in the eyes, “You can’t be scared, it isn’t good for you and it isn’t good for my baby.”
“Our baby...” Gwen said softly.
“Sometimes I feel like you forget that this baby is both of ours,” Nick looked up at Gwen, “I am not trying to upset you, but I want you to take me into consideration sometimes. In this relationship, you have always put yourself first which is one of the reasons that I fell in love with you, I thought that you were so strong and independent, you don’t have to do that anymore because I put you before me, I guess what I am saying is that what I need from you is to do that for me too.”
“Nick, I didn’t mean...” Gwen whispered.
Cutting her off, Nick said, “No, you are going to let me finish. You aren’t strong anymore, you’ve proven that, and you can’t be independent because I won‘t let you. When you took those vows, we became an us. You are my wife and I love you Gwen, and I want us to be happy and have a family. Right now, we are at the only time that we are going to get to be just us, as in Nick and Gwen. In 7 months we are going to have someone else we have to put first. I know that we did things a little bit faster than most people, but I want us to still get to enjoy being alone for a while. I want to live every part of our pregnancy and being with you and watching your belly swell because my baby is inside of you. I want to rub your feet and go out in the middle of the night for pickles and ice cream or whatever you want. Right now, more than anything, I guess I just need to know that you love me and want the same thing. We can’t turn back, this is happening...”
“OK...” Gwen said, looking up at her husband and touching his cheek, “I know I have been selfish, and I am sorry for that...but I just want you to know that -”
Interrupting once again, Nick said, “You don’t have to do this...”
“Yes I do, and now it is your turn to let me finish,” Gwen smiled a bit, causing the same reaction from Nick, “I know that I haven’t always been open with you, and I know that I shut you out a lot. You don’t deserve that, and I don’t deserve you. You have been more than I could have ever hoped for and more than I have ever been given. I guess that sometimes I keep things inside because I am afraid to tell you, because saying the words themselves make it real. I want this to be real so I am going to say it....I am having your baby and I want that more than anything.”
“You do?” Nick said shocked.
“Well, not more than anything, I already have what I want more than everything in the world, and that is you. I think that the reason I was so upset when I lost the first baby was because it felt like part of us was dying. That is what hurt me more than anything, especially because that was like the only thing of you I had left because we were separated. Then, when we went to St. Thomas and were alone, I knew the moment that I wanted to marry you that I had to act on it, because if I didn’t that it would be gone and I wouldn’t say it again. Too many moments have passed us by Nicky, I can’t keep doing this to us, especially now.”
“I know...”
“I am not going to let that happen again...”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”