Chapter 56
Nick was still beaming from the experience of seeing their child, even though it was barely a dot and on a TV screen. Gwen was obviously upset and she wouldn’t talk. The entire drive home was completely silent. She would stare off into space, looking at nothing even though they were driving over the Golden Gate Bridge. Nick reached out to her and put his and on her leg. She reacted to this by propping her elbow up on the window. And the rest of the ride home went this way...
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Nick pulled into the garage and turned off the car. Gwen almost immediately unbuckled her seatbelt and went inside of the house. Nick sat for a moment, resting his head on the steering wheel, not knowing whether to try and talk to her or just let her be. He decided he had to talk to her, this was the woman that he loved and she was in pain, he just didn’t completely understand why. He thought that she would be happy, she had told him that she wanted a baby many times since the miscarriage. Nick was happy, he wanted this baby more than anything. In a strange way, he needed it to prove that they could have a family and it once again showed the love between them. That was the most important thing to him.
Nick walked through the house, looking for Gwen. He knew where she would be. Whenever she was upset about something, she always sat out on the patio off of their bedroom. And that is exactly where he found her, staring out into the Bay. He stood at the open french doors for moment, watching her. He knew she was crying, she wasn’t making a sound but she would occasionally wipe the tears that shone on the side of her face. He approached her apprehensively, Gwen knew he was there. She wasn’t surprised when she felt him wrap his arms around her neck from the back of the chair. When Nick felt her rest his head on her arm, he whispered, “Hey Doll.”
“Hi,” she said softly.
“You OK?” he asked, obviously concerned.
“I don’t know,” she said as he moved around to face her. He squatted in front of her, resting his arms on her thighs and gently began rubbing her arms. “I just need to be alone for awhile.”
She could tell this hurt Nick, he pulled his body away from her and stood up. As he walked away from her he stopped at the doorway, speaking softly, almost in a whisper he said, “This is a good thing ya know?”
She looked back at him and mustered a small smile, it was all she had in her, “I know, I just need a little time to think.”
Nodding, Nick walked back over to her and placed a kiss on her forehead, “OK...I will be downstairs.”
Her smile was gone as soon as he left. Sighing, she began to think about what she was feeling, memories flooded back to her, all jumbled up.
- FLASHBACK -
Sitting on the toilet in the bathroom, Gwen looked down and saw blood and touched its source...she immediately began crying as she called for her mother.
"MOMMY!" Gwen yelled , her mother ran into the bathroom immediately.
"Baby, what's wrong?" Caroline Latham said as she rushed to her daughter's side, noticing blood on her hands. Ever since Gwen had been home her mother had been in the guest suite of her living quarters with her to ease her mind about being away from Nick.
"Mommy....I don't...I'm not...I shouldn't be bleeding...the baby..." Gwen said thru sobs.
“Miss Latham, I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you have had a miscarriage,” the doctor said solemnly.
“You’re lying!” Gwen yelled as she grabbed a pillow from behind her back and threw it at him and screamed “GET OUT OF HERE...I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!!”
The doctor left, tossing a sympathetic look her way as her mother was at her side, holding her while she cried. “It’s going to be ok sweetie, I promise, Nick will be here soon.”
"I want us to have a baby," Gwen whispered.
He looked up at her and said, "We will, someday."
"I want a baby now," she said.
"Honey, you know that isn't possible. I want to give you that more than anything right now but you had the doctor give you that shot."
"I couldn't go thru with it."
"I want to make you pregnant, but what if I fail? What if I can't do it? I just wish I had known so I could have tried harder."
"Nick, the first time you didn't try to do it, it just happened. Last night was wonderful, because you weren't worried about it, you were just loving me. Our relationship has been under so much pressure lately I didn't want to add to it."
Nick smiled lazilly and put his hand on her face, "Do you know how much you mean to me? You know I love you more than anything in the world don't you?"
"Oh, of course I do," Gwen smiled, "and you know I love you?"
Nick nodded, "And that is how we make a baby. Nicky, it isn't a physical act that does it. It is how we feel about eachother. You showed me last night many times...that is how I want us to concieve...not out of pressure but out of love."
"I am scared that I will let you down."
“I just want you to know that there is someone that understands how you are feeling. If you ever want to talk about it I am here for you.”
Gwen smiled and squeezed Jane’s hand. “Thank you for confiding that in me, it means a lot. I just....I don’t know...I just feel like something is missing. And I know that there is another chance, but it is just hard to think that there will always be another child that didn’t make it.”
“That is how I felt too, but the first time I looked at Nick it changed everything. In him, I saw the other child, even though it wasn’t from Bob. I think that it also made the fact that I had Nick more special, because I knew that he was a gift from God. I thank God everyday for Nick and I thank God for bringing you into his life.”
“That is so sweet Jane,” Gwen said with tears in her eyes, “I hope that we get another chance.”
- END FLASHBACK -
As Gwen sat staring into the Bay as the sun was setting, she thought back on everything about the miscarriage. The way Nick was by her side, they way he cared for her. She knew he wanted this, but still, there was something that he would never be able to understand. He didn’t know their child like she did, it was different because that baby was a part of her, living inside of her body. She automatically wiped the tears from her cheeks. She knew this pregnancy was a blessing, but she was scared. She did want this, but she was afraid that she would lose it again. That was something that she knew that neither herself or the relationship would be able to survive.