stories

FLYING WITH CHILD

Art Buchwald

Travelling is a pleasure instead of an ordeal when you go by air with baby or junior. It is wise to notify your airline ahead of time, however, so they will have certain things aboard for baby's comfort...
If he is a little older, make a game out of acquainting him with the objects around him. By the time he leaves the ground he will feel quite at home. You might take along a favourite toy to keep him busy and add to his feeling of security.
Children love to fly. They enjoy the excitement of boarding the big plane and watching the clouds go by the window. And so will Mother, because of the time and effort it has saved her in travelling with small fry.
From a pamphlet distributed
by the Air Transport Association

I was reading this pamphlet on a flight across the Atlantic Ocean recently. Standing next to me on the seat, reading over my shoulder, was a two-and-a-half-year-old boy who happens to be related to me.

There are certain things I would like to call to the attention of the Air Transport Association at this time. I followed their instructions to a T and it's apparent that the person who wrote the pamphlet has never flown higher than a thirty inch desk.

In the first place, it's not as easy to take along a child's favourite toy as the article would imply. In my case X Jr's favourite toy happened to be a three-and-one-half foot red and yellow stuffed Teddy Bear. Although the airline wanted my child to feel secure they pointed out that all stuffed Teddy Bears three feet or over took up as much space as a two-and-a-half-year-old child and were subject to the same fare. We had to leave the bear at home. As soon as he boarded the plane, X Jr's insecurity was apparent.

He refused to buckle his safety belt and tripped the stewardess as she was explaining how to use a life jacket properly. As an afterthought he howled throughout the whole demonstation and I'm quite sure that if the emergency ever arose there were very few people on the plane who would know what to do.

Once the plane was safely in the air and out of danger, X Jr decided to fasten his seat belt. It took his mother and his father and a stewardess to get it unfastened.

Children are usually fed first on a plane. In theory this is a good idea, but in proctice it works like this. The child, having finished his meal first and noticing other passengers just starting theirs, will wander down the aisle staring at the people while they eat. Few people can stare down a child, and before I got wind of what was happening X Jr had managed to procure three pieces of cake, a lamb chop and a cup of salad dressing. Following the articles suggestion, I made a game out of acquainting X Jr with objects around him. If he pushed the light switch he got one point, if he pushed the buzzer for the stewardess he got three points, if he pulled out the ashtray he got five points and if he hit the person in front of him he got fifteen points. When he received a total of fifty points, he got the spanking of his life.

When a child gets bored with "watching the clouds go by the window" (it usually takes about thirty seconds), he will head for the water fountain. The water fountain to a child is by far the most interesting part of an aeroplane. Aeronautical engineers, realising this, have designed the fountains so that the water buttons are out of reach of tiny hands. Few children are daunted by this measure. In X Jr's case he stole a womans jewellery case and someone else's movie camera and a copy of Andersonville. By piling them up he not only managed to reach the water button, but was also successful in destroying a month's suppy of the airline's paper cups.

To the question of whether you can probably get some sleep is yes - but nobody else on the plane can. At three o'clock in the morning X Jr was serving Life Savers and chewing gum to the other passengers, or so I was told the next morning by several blood-shot eyed people.

There is no doubt that travelling with a child is a memorable experience that everyone would like to forget.

Lindbergh had the right idea. He flew the Atlantic alone.

BECAUSE HE IS A MAN !!!!!!

Because he is a man, when he locks his keys in the car, he will fiddle with a wire coat hanger and ignore my suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because he is a man, when the car isn't running very well, he will lift the bonnet and stare at the engine as if he knows what he is looking at. If another man shows up, one will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but what with computers and everything I wouldn't know where to start." They will then drink beer.
Because he is a man, when he catches a cold he will need someone to bring him soup and take care of him whilst he lies in bed and moans. I never get as sick as he does, so for me this isn't an issue.
Because he is a man, he can be relied upon to buy products such as milk and bread at the local store. He cannot be expected to find exotic products such as "cumin" or "tofu". For all he knows, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect him to pick up anything for which "female hygiene product" is an euphemism.
Because he is a man, when one of our electrical appliances stops working he will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that it will cost him twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together again.
Because he is a man, he must hold the television remote control in his hand while he watches TV (if the thing has been misplaced, he will spend a whole programme running time looking for it). As an emergency solution, a calculator may suffice for a short space of time).
Because he is a man, there is no need to ask him what he is thinking about. The answer is always sex, racing or football, though he has to make up something else when I ask, so I don't.
Because he is a man, he does not want to visit my mother, or have my mother come and visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her anymore than he has to. Whatever I got her for Mother's Day is okay, he doesn't need to see it. And I'm not to forget to pick something up for his mum too.
Because he is a man, you don't have to ask him if he liked the movie. Chances are, if im crying at the end of it, he didn't like it.
Because he is a man, he thinks what I am wearing is fine. He also thought that what I was wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With or without the belt is fine. My hair is fine. I look fine. Now he wants to go.
Because he is a man, he will share equally in the housework. I'll just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning and the dishes. He will do the rest.