They are, however, kicking a lot more ass than their first time 'round. With five W's, last year's season win mark (3) has been crushed, with much more ball to be played.
Cannons had a four-games-in-four-nights swing last weekend, finishing with a 2-2 won-lost record.
More important than the .500 mark, though, were these important observations:
1.) First baseman Nick Greenizan learned how to swing a god damn bat. Must be the steroids. Look for him in AAA next year, alonside another steriod tragedy, 1B Jason Giambi.
2.) Wow, can the Cannons hit the ball. In the second game of Sunday's doubleheader, Cannons connected for four dingers - one from Ian Forbes, one from Chris Greenizan, and a pair of Scott Skolovy.
3.) The Port Kells Rebels take themselves far too seriously. (Especially for a team that fucking sucks.)
4.) After adapting the hands-back strategy, rightfielder Pat Bourke found out how to hit. Now if he could only find his legs and his glove and learn how to field without falling over - and losing his mitt.
5.) Watching Kyle Bucholtz eat a doughnut in the outfield during the game was priceless.
6.) Watching Pat eat brunch at the pub between games was also priceless.
7.) According to 3B Kelsey Lundquist, screwdrivers do not taste good for breakfast.
8.) Skolovy's catch on Monday night was the defensive play of the year.
After suffering through a losing streak that seemed to begin back when Barry Bonds still had a normal sized head (1989), Cannons finally earned a W with an 11-10 win over Generals in the first game of the season.
It was a close call, however. Cannons led 11-3 until the fifth inning when things got ugly, and another Cannons' fuck-up seemed likely.
There were a few outfield gaffes, a misplaced throw or two, and Generals made it 11-10 with two outs in the 7th. Luckily for Cannons, former slugger and Cannons' spare Brad Blatz was at the dish for Generals, and he proceeded to pop-out to first baseman Nick Greenizan for the second time, ensuring a Cannons' win.
Highlights included Kyle Bucholtz's pitching peformance in which he walked just two batters, instead of 45 like his last performance on the mound.
Jenna Charlton also smacked a monstrous triple to the fence, and Brad Gorski, Chris Greenizan and Ian Forbes all had strong days at the plate.
Nick Greenizan also hit a ball out of the infield for the first time since 1976.
"We spent some money in the off-season and it's paying off," Gorski said
"No, it's the steriod program," countered Charlton.
"They don't test in this league do they?"
It was a sad, ugly display, especially on defence - most grounders seem to have a free pass through most people's legs. There will be probably not be any Gold Glove awards headed the Cannons way this season.
In Game 1 of the two-game set, the Cannons got blown out 16-4, and most of the team spent the time between games drowning their sorrows in whatever kind of beers they could get their hands on due to the beer strike. Moosehead was the lager of choice, except for Sean Stewart, who, sources say, hijacked a beer truck on Highway 1. He was drinking Canadian.
There weren't many highlights on Saturday, unless you count the burn Jenna "Charles" Charlton laid on Mike Stuart, insinuating that he 'batted for the other team.'
Tuesday's game was just as ugly.
Even after "Big Papa Smurf" Bucholtz walked 4 straight batters, the Cannons had a chance to get back into the game in the 7th. Chris Greenizan - now only the 2nd best looking Greenizan on the team - hit a leadoff triple, but his teammates couldn't drive him in.
Some of the games other highlights included another three-bagger by Justin Baillergon, a diving catch by shortstop Scott Skolovy, and when a little dog ran on the field and chased the ball.
Despite the three-game losing streak, the Cannons continue to get strong fan support - a number of family and friends attended the game, including Nikki Ylisto's cowboy hatted little brother..uh, I mean boyfriend.
In other news, Jenna Charlton's new pants are very large. And red.
The game featured a number of defensive miscues in the later innings, according to Ian Forbes, many of which he said were caused by himself and his two late-inning subs Jeremy Scramstad and Chris Greenizan.
The Cannons made up for their hands of stone at the dish however, knocking three round trippers - by Sean Stewart, Ian Forbes and Kyle Bucholtz.
Reports out of Brown Park claim that the team was inspired to win the game after recieving news that long-time friend, spare player and lovable web-geek Nick Greenizan would be returning to the club after recieving his release from Peace River, AB.
He probably won't crack the lineup however, as the team has an abundance of players. Sean Stewart is reportedly using his glove anyways. Greenizan says he'll spend his time counting his newfound riches and comtemplating his "sheer awesomeness."
While many of the Cannons were nursing various injuries suffered during a fight at a weekend party. Jeremy Scramstad took to the mound despite barely being able to walk on his badly sprained ankle.
Nearly every Cannon player complained afterwards about the Patriots ridiculous playing style - they never swung the bat and were content to take walk after walk. This style suited them because no Patriot player can hit worth a damn, and most of they are undoubtedly homosexual. Tall-as-a-foul-pole catcher Kyle Bucholtz went as far as to call them communists.
Scramstad said that the team was circling June 15th on their calendars - the next time the Cannons will face the Patriots. "We'll smoke 'em then," he said.
The one highlight of the game occurred when Chris Greenizan made a diving, completely horizontal catch at shortstop, robbing the Patriots of what may have been the only hit they'll get all season. After the diving put-out, 37 straight Patriots walked.
April 4/04 -- The Cannons won their first ever game on Sunday evening -- a 16-15 come-from-behind win in an exhibition game over Chicks 'n Dicks.
The game featured the sweet-swinging heroics of Pat Bourke, who homered in the bottom of the seventh inning, driving in the winning run.
Goaltender-turned-infielder Brad Gorski was a monster at the dish, going 4-for-4 with two runs and two RBI's.
Rookie hurler Jeremy Scramstad pitched well in his debu, despite giving up 15 runs. With the win, Scramstad triggered a $100 bonus in his contract, to be paid by his mom, Donna, who was on the opposing team.