| Articles from "A Testament to Madness: a diary of a loser" |
June 17. I'm now moved my bedroom to the basement, it's much more dark, cold, and private, which I like. Going to see Kat tomorrow and we are so going to PAR-TAY (ok, i can't believe I wrote that). Dentist - "no cavities." June 19. Got there at like 5, we got ice cream, spilled on myself. Tomorrow we'll go to Kat's sisters and get stoned. I can't believe I had schnapp's, Bacardi, and vodka without chasers. June 22. Last weekend was awesome, it went fast, so now i'm slurping up a slim fast for... no reason. June 24. "why so quiet?" "I don't know, I keep seeing your face, that night in your room, you looked good, really good. " I miss him, even if there's no way. 3:00 pm. I got my wisdom teeth out today, wasn't so bad at all. My head hurts from crying, unrelated to the surgery, I just wish I was back at school, I need something good on TV, I need a job, I need a life, I regret going home. June 30. 9:30 pm. God I'm so... I don't know. Not depressed but like alone, and seeing things how they really are. It'd be nice to have an actual shoulder to cry on, but if I had that, there'd be no reason to cry at all. July 4. 2:15 am. Christ it's late. I took some sleepers again. I'm such a mess, ekeing my way. I wish I could hybernate for 2 months. 5:00 pm. no cigs today, but yesterday had 4. Yep, still unemployed. July 6. "No matter what, I love you, just remember that." What's gotten into him? July 8. Yeah, no job. But i'm going to see Adam for a week. July 19. 1:00 pm. Just got back a few hours ago, it was one of the best trips of my life, sans the bus and the ending. We felt a lot of stuff and did a lot of stuff, I'm thankful but upset. We just can't be together simple as that. I'll never forget the way he smells or the way we'd tickle each other non stop. He's the first guy I've cared for. And when I think of the trip I won't be thinking much about anything sexual, just moments there aren't pics for, that shit. I just hate how potential good stuff becomes sour instead. July 21. Ok, I'm fat, I'm Tracey Gold-ing it tomorrow, that's it. No if's or and's or but's. Just me and my huge ass. July 22. "I'm sad and lonely." "Me too." July 24. cigs? 4. oops. food? decent, but too much ice cream. biked? twice. August 9. Got back from Kat's, we got so wasted. I had 99 apples, two cigars, countless cigs, and got stoned four times. Saw two bands, don't know what they hell they were rebelling about. August 27. Last night I got drunk by myself and called up Adam. He wasn't too pleased. "I'm in love." "No, I fall in love, and this is what people who fall in love look like!!" - Being John Malkovich August 31. cigs? 3. minutes crying? 20. glad to be back in minneapolis? yes. Septemer 11. 4:33pm. Met Ryan at work today. New guy working in the office, and he's so cute, and funny. But i'm not even in his league. September 14. Went to my cousin's wedding in Grand Meadow. Um, I dont' think I miss the country at all. Got drunk, now I'm trying to do homework but I'm hungover. September 19. Had the chance to hook up with a random guy tonight, but I chickened out. October 3. I'm failing fucking Bio. I'm dropping the course which really sucks. October 12. 1:30am. Went to see Michael Moore speak, of course he was awesome. And cute boy from my rock music class was there. Then I got Moore's autograph and watched some movies with Miranda. October 14. 3:05 pm. cigs? 4 Worked? 3. I'm socially inept. I had the chance to strike up a conversation with cute rock music boy but didnt'. I'm too shy. Fuck me. October 29. Why am I so miserable? I've never done anything wrong, I'm good overall. So why the fuck am I fucked up? I need to get better. November 2. Got back from my weekend of Halloween festivities. Including getting wasted like three times, getting stoned like five times, and pissing in an alley way as raggedy ann. Also, walking down State Street amongst thousands of drunken college kids in unoriginal costumes. I hate the munchies big time. November 6. The eve of my birthday and frankly I don't think anyone cares. It's not like I went to see Adam on his bday travelling all that way, or went all out for Miranda on hers. Fuckers. Ryan was so hot, he was at work today, mmm. I'm going to be 20 years old, no boyfriend, no boy's really even loved me. 11:00. One hour before my birthday wishing I could disappear, loving someone too much can be a mistake, I'm a fuckin nobody, and I'm the only person I can count on, but I want someone to take me away from myself. November 7. My birthday. Age? 20. Went downtown with Miranda, who by the way, forgot it was my bday. When she did find out, she didn't even mutter a greeting. Birthdays are just reminders of how lonely we are. November 11. Went to St. Paul, met new therapist. Her boots cost more than my entire wardrobe. November 22. Miranda's a bitch. She just said I'm annoying and not intelligent. Fuck her. She's not friend material. For now, I'm going to blockbuster and rent some movies. December 6. 5:56 pm. Bought a green guitar, I'm trying to teach myself. I'll be a middle school rock star. I'm washed up, got tipsy yesterday, by myself of course. It's been like a month since I've hung out with Miranda. I feel bad, but also relieved. December 10. Talked to Dr. Christiansen, my psychiatrist. I'm on meds again. December 31. 5:00 pm. I'm alone, it's new year's eve. I'm not allowed to get drunk or stoned. Got an email from little Adam, it's his first time getting wasted. Aaaand he's older than i am. I'm doing laundry right now. sigh. Got a new prescription for sleeping pills, will come in handy as I sadly bring in the new year. Alone. Sober. Alone. Alone. Sober. aaaand Alone. I'm watching Gandhi for fuck's sake. I'm the biggest loser ever. January 7. 10:00am. Got back from seeing Adam. I had two delayed flights and a long expensive cab ride home. I feel achy, tired, and foolish. I've embarrassed myself and I'm angry. I slept in his mom's bedroom since she was on vacation, I cried most of the time. Whatever we felt or his loins felt last summer, is gone and neither of us knew how to be warm with each other without getting too warm. He asked me what I wanted that first night, I couldn't say I loved him right. He'd push me away. I just wanted a fucking hug. January 8. Got my hair cut today, very short. Had meltdown at therapy. January 10. 3:30 am. Went to the casino with my folks and I lost money, ate 1000's of calories, and went swimming. I hate casinos, they're smoky and greedy. I've got crimson and I need to clear my head. January 20. 11:35 pm. Horrible. The first day of the semester was hectic and I feel alone. I was even considering suicide. Don't know what to say to my friends. I was so desperate I called one of those stupid suicide hotlines, some bitch answered. Yeah, I bet she's saved a lot of lives. I just need a rest. I can't bear to know what it must be like on the other end of the phone hearing myself the way I am. How could you pretend to let it not get to you? Hate living with the fucking distraction of being unhappy. I'm so tired, not just physically, lying here in bed is a strain. If there is a God or deity, or some gummi beared force out there, I just can't do it. The tumor's too big to cut out. January 24. Tried slicing my wrists this morning. I just couldn't stop, I wanted to kill it. I cried my way to the emergency room. They stripped me, and two guards had to watch me so I wouldn't try and do something. It was degrading, I felt like I had been dead or invisible but in a bad way. I guess the scary thing is, this isn't much of a wake up call, I'm not surprised. Right now, I'm not sad or sorry I did it. I just want to leave, go hike up the mountains, all that shit. February 3. 12:00. Why do people need people anyhow? They don't really love people. It's just a scam. For money or sex or a good TV show on the WB. My parents treat me like I'm still 13 or something. I'm an adult, I have my own money, not much granted, but if I want to see Adam with it, It's my fuckin choice, I can still have fun and do what's in my best interest. Fuck everything. I tried being normal. February 15. Steps to the new me: 1. lose thirty pounds, 2: become quintlingual, 3: switch bodies, well heads too with helen of troy, 4: not let myself feel for people... here's the real ones - 1. new hair, 2. get spunk, 3. change clothes, 4. become ignorant February 22. I can't believe this. I think I have a date. 10:51pm. Yeah, I think I do. February 26. Got back from my date. He was really sweet and he isn't one of those guys that just wants to fuck you and leave. He's really nice, cute, a bit shy and i'm impressed. Nat's awesome. March 3. Pissed off at Adam. I'm on the bus going to St. Paul. He made me cry for the first time in like a month. He's a good guy, just lost. I've been busy, I'm going to look at a duplex for the summer this weekend. It's funny how pills are these little things that have the power to totally change your mind set. March 4. 10:00 pm. Got off the phone with Nat for like an hour. I've realized that this is actually like a choronicle of the past year of my life. Pretty mundane and sad. I asked Adam if I looked okay outwardly. "You're fine. You're pretty and you have a beautiful smile." Hopefully Nat thinks so too. March 5. 10:47 pm. Got back from seeing a movie with Nat I took the initiative and leaned next to him and held hands with him. HIs hands are small!! Like, my size. "Sorry, if i'm quiet but you make me nervous." Doh, I've never made any boy nervous before. It's so weird. Two months ago I was wanting to die. March 10. 11:10 pm. I went to see Bob Dylan tonight with none other than nat. It was fucking awesome. Poor Nattie had to sit on the floor next to me, because his seat was far over and everyone showed up. But he's a good kisser, that's a given. I'm seeing him again this weekend. I feel really stoooned right now, though i'm sober as fuck. I really need to get some work done but of course i'm just procrastinating. March 14. 6:00 pm. cigs? 6? hours of snogging/cuddling? like 10. Stayed over at Nat's. His apartment is cozy, I love how he's so tactile. I have a headache from too many ciggies and no sleep. March 21. 5:00 pm. Went to Nat's. We took a shower together. He's so funny. I'm sore.. I'm so happy. cigs? 3. hurting muscles? 50. It was nice at the end of the day, when I was about to leave. I was lying on the floor and he didn't want me to go but knew i had to, and he winced at the thought. March 25. 7:17 pm. We said "I love you" for the first time. I can't believe I'm in a relationship though yet. Maybe it will really hit me soon. Anyways, I need to get some major ass work done, I've been neglecting my studies, as my mom would prob say. March 27. 11:30 pm. I'm bummed out. Spent the whole day alone and doing research and reading fuckin journal articles. Journal articles are the worst, especially reading a LOT of them and they're so tedius and boring, they're mainly scientists extrapolating on rehashed material and unorginial experiments. I've just turned into Doc Brown. I'm pathetic. Nat's gone for da weekend. At least i'm getting shit done. I'm a freak, i'm a weirdo, what the hell am i doing here, i don't belong here. salute the radiohead. March 31. 8:10 pm. "I love you... dry your tears, I don't want to lose you, babe." April 4. 5:19 pm. cigs? Jesus, don't make me count. cals? ditto. Spent entire weekend with N-dog. Went to MOA where basically everything I saw I would've bought if thousands of dollars weren't going toward University. I got stoned and then I got an ear piercing and he got a tongue one. Much to my initial chagrin. I chain smoked uncontrollably last night. Today we went swimming at the pool at his apartment, it was defo Slums of beverly hills scenish but still fun. 11:34pm. Fuck everything I ever believed in. Everyone's being a selfish dick. "I'm so sorry" should be my fucking epitaph, i hear it all the damn time. I just don't get it. People have been more in control of my feelings then i have been, and that really needs to change. The future better be fuckin wonderful. 10:55 pm. April 5. Talked to Nat on phone. He sounded like he was reluctant but maybe he's worried i'm too fragile or something. Sad and alone here we go. Maybe Kat's right, I'm a baby and too dramatic. April 8. 11:44 pm. Ok, so parents don't learn to let their kids grow up. Like I'm no longer in the house and am over 18, meaning I'm an adult by law, choice, age, maturity, etc. I'm not about to not make a decision because my parents will worry about how people will look at them. It's total bunk. April 11. 10:45 pm. Sex? a few times. cals? tons. Psychotropic substances? 5 times, who knows. My ear is the size of John Merrick's tumors. It's infected, it hurts. Doh god, when Nat put on that green button up shirt, jesus christ, like he was so hot. I. oh god. ok, i'm 13 years old, but whoa. I'm cramming for my stupid middie. OTIIIISSS! I'm getting sick of school. I just want to move into my apt already. April 16. 7:00 am. Tired, can't be back to sleep, at least it's Friday. My stupid back hurts. It keeps bugging me off and on. I don't want to go to my anthro lab. it's going to be 75 degrees out. woo. My back klls. One month until i move. April 19. 4:30 pm. Weekend overview - cals? christ. drunk? twice. movies? a lot. Actual time spent watching movies? not much. cigs? emphysema. Spent the past THREE nights at nat's. We had a funny drunken deep conversation about our childhoods and like teen angst, though my teenage years weren't much of angst, like i'm a parent's wet dream. The buses are finally running. April 20. 11:00 pm. No pot. Long day. Signed up for classes, went to class, worked til 6, the buses are running! I'm so fat. It's bad. I can't be fully naked anymore. I think I'll go to Ragstock and buy shit I don't really need and think it looks cool, only to come home with it and ask myself, "what was i thinkin?" I want to be thin as fuck. April 26. 8:51 pm. Went bowling the other day with Nat (like i even had to write that down), and i whooped his ass the first game, but the second game he whooped mine. I really want a pet. Either a kitty or chinchilla. I'm scared. I'm seeing the signs and it sucks. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I really don't. See knife. Bad thoughts. "You didn't do anything with it, did you?" April 28. 9:12 pm. Chinchilla! Chinchilla! Today, I skipped class, no surprise there. But I just sat around mainly by myself and realized that there's more remains in me than i wanted. Cutting is a habit. Not a crime. A bad bad habit, and what seems troublesome and taboo for others, is self-healing and self-loathing to me. Then I wonder if someone close to me did something like that, how would i react. I would react differently then people who know me, but i wouldn't be totally for it. Knowing me, I'd probably be glad someone was morose like that too. I do it for many reasons, like ventilation, boredom, habit, and sometimes minimal attention. But what is okay for me, hurts others and makes them pissed off at me. But it scared me today when i started doing something when someone i love had their back turned. I was afraid to be alone again, and all those feelings came flooding back. And now, I totally feel fine again. I'm thinking that whenever I purposely want to be depressed or morbidly doing something familiar, then I CAN control it, like to cut or not. I guess the absurdity of it all struck today when it was the first time someone close to me took the time to lovingly approach the situation and directly deal with it, not just ignore it or like tell me "don't be an idiot" like another friend has done. I don't blame them for saying that, just that appraoch made me feel really abnormal, not just a normal person with an abnormal habit. Oh god, listen to this i'm already thinking like a damn shrink. I haven't been to therapy in so long, mainly because of the bus strike. I really don't want to go, but considering the past few time s i've been down, i should i guess. I reaaaly hope nat gets pot this weekend, that'd be lush. Sidenote: nothing's more scarier then Gloria Swanson with her face strewn back in "Sunset Boulevard" April 30. 9:00pm. Pocorn, peanuts, cereal, I'm officially a baseball asshole. Went to final anthro lab, and now getting shit ready to take back home and what not. I'm going to see my apartment tomorrow then going shopping with Leon and Lou then going home for the night. I'm surfing the wave presently. Residual dutting behaviors: minimal. May 3. 7:15 am. Got all my shit ready for my apartment. Went to Menomonie for a day. God, I have so much stuff to bring there in a couple weeks. Got to see Nat today. He got pot. Woohoo. I got beer, champagne, and egg rolls. Almost done with crimson, life is good. May 5. 1:16 pm. Spent 2 days with Nat. Smoked "hella" pot. I'm fat, must loose weight. Cutting's come back. Going to see the doc soon for more pills, debating whether to tell him about this. 4:00pm. I dont' know. Like I'm not depressed anymore - good. Confidence - good. thoughts - good. stressed - bad. cutting - bad. So I did tell the doctor today that I do still nab at myself, didn't wanna, but did. Just thought of Nat's face everytime i do shit like that to myself and part of me wants to hide it, part of me doesn't. God, like my own little world i created is like totally normal to me but like if i was the fine one and nat had stuff going on like that, then i'd probably join in, like i don't know. But I guess it's hard to understand someone like me when you're not me. Wow, i'm a total pothead. I make no coherent sense. But I'm sick of being defective. Sick of not noticing time pass me by because i'm too scared to sit alone and just wait. Sick of being under a microscope. I mean I keep getting pills and stuff. Now I have seroquel too. What am I? just a bottle of pills...? 11:05pm. Damn. My desk smells like pot. It's insane. Like resin. But the good news: it's mine all mine!! Muhahaahaha. Tomorrow is the last full day of the semester, and last day of work. " you mean, you think i'm going to kill myself?" "No, not necessarily, but you tried before and you said you couldn't stop" " Baby, you know I'm better in that respect now... I'm sorry I put you through so much." " And that's because you have pills to help you." " Not just pills." " No, not just pills." May 9. 7:27 pm.Am at Nattie's awaiting him. I've been here since yesterday by myself with no money, no transportation. I got stoned a lot but not as much fun without nat. I'm so procrastinating with finals. I move in like 5 days. Christ. I feel fat. I made cookies for us. Just got off the phone with Nat's mom, she's nice. I wish my parents were more liberal. My feet kill from walking 3 miles in ninety degreet heat with flipflops. Last night, realized that I haven't stopped and like re synched with like Kat and Adam. Gave them baked calls last night. It was almost talking to two strangers. Welp. I"m a son of a bitch. 7:33. Nat! Come on! I want to know if you got us pot. 9:00. Here i am, on the sofa. alone and baked. I'm one of those pitiful girls on movies found waiting for someone who's not coming back and gets hooked on heroin wringing back and forth on her lover's couch. Then the camera would cut close up to a tic tac toe board on her forearm. Life doesn't hurt high. God. I wish Nat had left earlier, pot or no pot. K, Nat just called. He'll be home in 2 hours. Like it's hard to be po'd when you're stoned. You just hear the concern in their voice and you take whatever prior feelings and keep them hidden away so it can later appear in small liquid bumps but its the only friend when life doesn't understand you. Writing email to Kat - my stoner 15 minute walk to the vending machine. The hall reeked of ass. 10:24 pm. Joint after joint. I want to be Hunter S Thompson's bitch. I hear a faint shuffle in the hall. Nope, false alarm. I want to be William Burrough's voyeur. May 10. 10:04pm. "It works by changing the chemical activities in the brain... treats symptoms of psychotic conditions including hallucinations, delusions, and confusion. may be used for other purposes other than those listed." May 12. 9:29pm. Woke up and made countless trips to the car and back and to my apt and back loading all this shit. Then drove to the apt, which will look way cool once it's done. Like it took forever, it was really annoying. And the manager likes to walk around top naked - no complaints here, though nattie's my man. I"m sure to fail the Psych final tomorrow. Probably will. A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. Went to urban outfitters (where i hope to maybe work there also) and got this kickass butterfly chair for my apt, it's so lush. i just want it to be friday so I don't have school, i'll be done moving, and i can just relax with the two things i love most right now: pot and nattie. I'm scared. I feel like pills program and rule me. I've gotten into a mode of relentlessness. I think Zoloft porvides this defense mechanism of productivity. If I was lazy and retiscent, then I'd be depressed also. Someimtes it's hard to know what's worse, depression without control or not being naturally myself without control. I'd love to be happy and sleep. I lack rest. Monumentally. I need time to snooze until it's time for me to like fuckin be spectacular and not just some drifter who's waiting for some prophet. May 13. 10:03pm. My final night in a dorm room, kinda weird how I won't miss it much,i never had that college movie experience, I'm just gonna be corny and say it's a new chapter. Got my Psych final done with, thank god. Tomrorrow I move in, but i'll be happy and done with school. May 17. 12:05 am. In my fabulous new apt. It was such a pain moving in and it seems like I can't stop spending money I'll be in debt in no time. Nat meeting my parents went well without a hitch. Nat's so cute, he's really impressed me - he's a lot better in social situations then I am. Talked to Sara on phone - dont' know what day Ill go home. I'd like to go Wed. I need to pack and pay rent. I can't afford to spend money on this trip, hopefully my padres help out there. God, I love it. Just being here. Fat or no fat, I'm happy. 2:49 pm. I had a meltdown on phone with Nat. I don't know I"m just so shifty. What if my entire life is this jump between two parallels of depression and happiness. Fuck it. Nat's coming over soon. Phone. Setting up internet. When did I lose control, wait, question is, when did I ever have control? May 18. 9 am. /////////--------- llllllll - "don't do that around me again" 11:27 pm. PRetty good food wise. Nat stayed overnigth and I went to the rec, packed, shopped and said goodbye, and I swear he had teary eyes, or maybe I was just assuming. I have to get up early. Get to see Sardog at least once this week. Man, it's been so long. Gas is currenty $2.08/gallon it's insane watching 2 wannabe thugs on Leno. Anyway, hi i'm fat. I've forgotten how good Slim Fast was. I'm in love with a boy who has provided me with more sex and pot then a pimp. But if I took all those pithy things away, I'd still have this funny, adorable, goffy, loving, understanding, and open boy. I like being part of someone else's life like this, I used to think the shit wasn't for me. May 25. 10:06pm (Mountain time). Cals? not tooo bad. Hours in car? 8. Day of vacation: 5/12. Sent postcards? 4. Location? Fillmore, Utah. Let's see. Where to begin. Friday left very early drove to South dakota and stayed at hotel by Rushmore. I liked that best so far. Yellowstone was a let down overall. But i cna say I"ve been there I suppose. I've swam every day almost that i've been away. This is our 3rd hotel. I'm in this small hick town where everyone has thck mountain/mormon accent. In the past few days, I've been trhough the great plains, black hills, Yellowstone, wind, rain, hail, snow, 7 states, and a buffalo herd. Don't think I'll ever get to say that again. Called Nattie tonight, and I got a wave of bitterness - partly because I want to be with him, partly because I felt lonely, and just because I'm run on estrogen and anti-depressents. Should get to vegas tomorrow afternoon. Haven't seen Lenise in 18 months or so. I'm fat. Mad at Myra. Can't believe she insulted me today by saying i still have "baby fat" and i should lose it before Nat dumps me and gets a new girlfriend. What the hell man? that's not just an insult to me but also to my boyfriend. Yeah,. sometimes i don't know why he's attracted to me aestetically. Jesus, I want my fuckin conscience to shut off. I don't want to think anymore. NOt about school, moeny, meaning of life, all that shit. Oh, "to bedlam and back" as i said to sara last week. but we made a pact to see each other at least once every 3 months. The year's half over and so much shit's gone down: January: flew to Canada wihtout anyone hardly knowing because I thought I'd have one more shot, instead I made a fool of myself and fell apart. The prime of a breakdown was on its way. First week fo school was horrible and too busy for me. Seriously down. I gave clues to friends that I was going to possibly off myself and had countless sobs on the phone with a helpless mind. Finally had the courage to try and see how far I'd go for attention, even if from strangers and slice at my wrist. Adam threatened to call my parents and still can't seem to forgive me. Katie was a wreck for days but had the courage to hide it from me. I was in a weird state of self satisfaction and indifference. February: HIgher dosage of meds help, start to regain confidence, got over Adam, realized how childish, scary, and unempthetic people are, went out on first date with Nat. March: went on more dates with Nat, at first felt a bit awkward it was all new to me and I wasn't sure how he'd feel about myself. Later in month, sleep with Nat for first time, realtionship gets more serious. April: depression stable, almost gone, meds still upped, Nat and I tell each other "I Love YOU" He admits he has doubts, I go nuts for 24 hours, we talk it out, everything goes okay. I feel happy and when Nat was two hours late picking me up one night, I realized how much he's become part of my life. Cutting reappears. May: Stress over finals, no motivation, apartment moving, parents meeting nat, Nat impresses me with his persona around them. I wanted to kiss him but didn't. Go on 2 week vacation with parents and Myra across the country out west. My mind's flooded with doubts about my life and thoughts of still escaping in capsules - not death, just rest because i'm currently restless now, fidgety. Seroquel's prescribed, Tardive Dyskinesia scares me but no signs as of yet. As I writre this, I know I'm writing almost like a shrink. ANd myabe the pangs of depression isn't depression at all, but me not able to adapt to life without it. Enough "psychobabble" I've taken 2 sleepers, long week ahead. and more precious money to spend. I'm hitting the hay. June 3. 8:50. Here I am, still feeling sorry for my sorry ass. I should be happy now. Survived another bout, have my own place, have a great boyfriend. I am happier. but goddamnit. I just realize how throughout my whole life, I will always feel lonely. And people tell me to forget the past and what's done is done, and I know that, but what if it isn't done. What is it that lives inside of me, that has most of the power. I mean fuck. I'm brainwashed into liking it sometimes. I just don't get this. Maybe I'm crazier then I thought. It's me to blame for all the shit that went down, but what if I'm still this stupid cloud floating along empty and untouched by the crazy attempt I pulled in Jan. What do I have to do more of? zoloft, seroquel, trazodone, alcohol, drugs, pot, traveling, accepting, all the labels to things that fuel the fire. 11:51 pm. Nat broke my heart a bit by not telling me the complete truth about last weekend. He drunkenly kissed a girl and then lied. I mean christ. I think I deserve to know the truth. June 6. 10:53 pm. Let's see. Really good weekend. Uh Friday Nat and I rented some movies and hung out here. Then yesterday took him to Menomonie to have dinner with the padres. Sad goodbye to Myra, came back here and played Nintendo. Today we went to his apt and went swimming in the outdoor pool. After, we went to Mystic Lake where I had to lend him money but he paid me back through gas money. I start my internship tomorrow. I'm tired and all I feel right now is fear and that life moves so fast. June 14. 11:30 pm. Cals? not too shabby. cigs? mm, 1. Spent Thursday to today with Nattie. Friday we went to Chuck E Cheese and I relived my youth. Though it's lost it's magic. Saturday, we went to my cousin's grad party in Menomonie. It was great being around family and drinking a mike's hard lemonade and Nat holding feisty little Baby. We watched a bunch of movies - go figure. Swam. God I'm so fuckin broke. Like I"m spending money, gas, bills, rent, fuck, I hope I get the job Wenesday. Job hunting sucks. Watchin Paris Hilton on Letterman, what a rich tool. To be her - like so fuckin carefree and flithy rich - she'll never have to work a day in her life, Then there's the reality class - those who practically need 2 - 3 jobs to stay afloat. So far the past few days I've been feeling really good, well, Saturday night, as Nat watched his cheese flick, I was in the tub and had a moment of weakness. "you were doing so well" June 15. 11:31 pm. I had 4 ciggies today. My apt's a frickin smoke stack. My job interview's tomorrow. I really hope I get it. Let's see 8.50 time 20 = 170 a week. times 4. 680 a month. mmph.That would definitely help matters. and if I get that loan in fall, ugh. all these bills come out of no where helped Nattie with a paper. Well pretty much co-wrote. I'm fat. I get into this semi- workout mode during the week then it plummets. My legs are buff but then covered by fat layers. I was walking today thinking i like my life now. Want to get things back together with miranda. \ June 20. 6:26 pm cigs? 2.I'm sooo tired. Nat spent the night. we went swimming and I played my new nintendo games. Talked to sara on the phone for a bit. God I'm tired. I start my job tomorrow morning. I doubt I'll get that grant. Even so, at least I tried goddamit.Nattie bought me roses yesterday. I want to write again. Oh, but what.stupid medicine - gives me stomach upset. June 21. 12:18 am. "you make me a better person" "you are my life" June 23. 8:15 am. Works' okay. I hate starring at numbers all day. Nat came over last night, he was a bit crabby because he failed a final. I was crabby because i was tired. We didn't have the best of nights. Like for the first time, I didn't feel like being around him. I have to hit up a therapy session, I haven't been to one in a long ass time. I'm fat - we went to Taco John's. I want to go somewhere and relax. Christ, it's just into the summer and I already need to get out. June 24. 10:28 pm. Work sucked. The gym sucked. Maybe I should get a second job. But then I wouldn't have time for Nat or me. Hmm, I'lll wait another month or souple weeks I guess. Jill and I have finally gotten around to talking for like two hours. It felt good. To make amends like make goon on shit i fucked up on when i was downed. It made me get nostalgic about my life, this year. It's half over but like i feel my life unfolded, June 27. 5:00 Unnerved. As I write, Nat's stepdad may be taken by police because he's suicidal. I'm glad Nattie called someone. It just kinda hit me with a major reality check. The words his stepdad said were mine. It scared me. Nat's in the position sara was in. His stepdad is in a position i could've been in. It's ironic how i went to the library and checked out books on suicide and prevention. I mean all this is scarring me. but yet I really want to be there for Nat. It's like some twisted conicidental dream. June 29. 8:03 am. Tired. I had a nervous breakdown yesterday - almost happened at work but I went on a walk with Bree and she bough me Starbuscks and i felt better. I just had this flood. I relived my experience from January. Nat's stepdad kinda provoked it, but when you intern at the MHA and you're surrounded bya ll these booklets and callers who suffer from illnesses it's hard to stay cheery. Being Alone. Walking into the ER. Being watched over like a nonhuman by 2 carefree guards.I feel better knowing natties' coming home. Sometimes you think you're all better, cured, but then you're just not too sure anymore. July 2. 12:54 am. Tired. Headache finally leaving. Just so very tired and dehydrated. Hung out with Jill after stressful day at work. Saw her apartment, then went to mine, then went to ACME - the comedy club. The headliner guy was pretty funny but i'm tired. July 4. 9:00 am. Independency Day. Friday night was awesome. Nat and I went to the Science museum and watched a film at the omni. Then went to the Tast and watched fireworks yesterday saw Faranheit 9/11 which was really ass good. Now i'm tired. "i was really happy tonight" "me too i'm glad" July 5. 9:30am. Umh. i'm going to get into shape. Seriously. i've gained. i've bloated ugh. my love is sleeping, and i love him. 12:21 am. Actually the sixth. went all over damn cities i'm distraugh over excessive weight gain. And excessive waste of money. Head hurts. i'm tired. on the up side, i bought a fish. Named Chaplin. His life span is from 2 weeks to 2 years. I hope he lasts closer to the latter. good. he's eating July 8. 7:45 am. Had a dream last night that I had this wonderful boyfriend. He was funny, sweet, cute. He was a lot like me. Same doubts, fears, flaws, worries. Then I woke up and realize that it wasn't a dream at all. Just truth and luck. July 12. 11:50 pm. Worked. Interned. Went to therapy. Went home. Ate hella calories. I have like 4 weeks to write this rough draft. I wish people didn't have to suffer from invisible ails. A year ago, I was in Cadana, in love or at love with someone who is now complete out of the loop. what was lust or resorting to just one person at the time was a big error. And now i'm with someone who can and wants to be with me. July 16. TGIF. This week was so long and boring. Ugh I get to see my baby today. Hopefully he's not sick. It's hot outside. July 18. Cigs today? none. This weekend was fun. Went to MOA with Nat and we met up with my padres and like 12. July 19. 11:18 pm. Cigs? 6. I've been trying to Tracey Gold and I didn't do too bad until tonight but I didnt' eat anything too hearty or fatty. Nat came over after work. I had a meltdown, didn't want him to go. God, I have $680. I remember when I had 3000. I hate being broke dick. I hate bills. I wish I had a higher paying job or was a fuckin Olsen twin. I'd be rich and goddamn thin.I want some fuckin pot, and a little money, I'm gonna be one of those Indian guys on the corner of Cedar with a sign that reads, "Help. Got out of suicide, just not out of debt." I mean for real, I have to steal school supplies from work and mail because I'm that poor. I always stress though. And I never get enough rest. I just need money and pot. Went over to Jill's uyesterday. Weird seven or eight months seems like a few weeks. August 1, 4:10 pm. Theres two fundamental worlds. One of invisible people with clear lives, then the world I live in filled with unclear lives. So I had the biggest meltdown today when Nat was over. Sobbed and asked him to stay but no, he'd rather stay home and play with his guitar amp. I'm mad. Just bitter. August 7, 4:20 pm. Got back from the zoo with Nat. My feet hurt so bad. I'm waiting until he comes back from his friends with alkie and hoepfully some doobage. Thatd' be aweseom. I smell like BO, cigs, and goat shit. NOt that I know what that smells like. I spend too much. Sadly but cutely, we opened the morning with lukcy charms and an inspector gadget DVD that was in the cereal box. Augst 8, 10:33pm. Yesteray drank some very strong and bad daiquiri's , got stoned and ate excessively. Then today, I had a huge meltdown, again, in front of Nattie. I kicked him out, I wanted to be alone. In like four weeks classes begin. I kinda almost done with my paper. It's very choppy but hopefullly she revises a bunch. I still have a drunken stomach. It sucks. Chaplin's asleep at the botton of his bowl. I wish I lived in the 20's or whenver the more plump you were the more people thought you were beautiful. August 9, 11:15pm. cigs? 4-5. Food intake: pancakes with strawberries, granola bar, salami sandy, spaghetti in massive portion, nuts, slim fast, and cheese. I looked at myself in the mirror when I was at my comp. I look disgusting. Nat bad though, yeah right. 4 weeks til school starts if I do well, like 2 pounds a week i could lose 8 lbs. August 16, 11:26 pm. worked: 7 hours. cigs - 3. Cals - fuck it. Nat spent the past four nights with me. We actually got a long the whole time. We went to a movie where I saw Jill who was in a bad mood. We went to the Renassance which was pretty cool. I highlited my hair and Nat's - and it turned out kind of red. "i look like a Seth Green wannabe" Good week in the mental health dept. August 23, 10:58 pm. cigs? 5. cals? fucking munchies. joints/hits - damaging to brain. fucks - 1.worke was boring, wanted to loose some flab at the gym buuuut it was closed. not my fault this time. Me and Nattie got stoned while watching cheech and chong. I'm coming out of a deep depression, a hippie wannabe, pot smoking, lazy, and careless fiend. The pot just numbs other people's problems to me. And my own too. Though, i don't know if it's because I'm busy or because of pills and pot. Anyway, I do bitch a lotbut i can never regain that willpower to get me so I have nothing to complain about but life is a lot of griping.I just keep writing. I'm stoned. I don't seem to want the zoloft, the wellbutrin, the trazodone, the seroquel, the blah blah to aid me. I want to be Hunter S Thompson. It's after elevne a solid fifteen minutes of in depth thought by yours truly, ashley. August 24, 10:42. Once again I've failed. I came home, got stoned, and ate a lot. 1/2 beef snady with mustard - 150 1 granola bar - 140 3 fruit snacks - 100 2 bowls of lucky charms 0 300 one bag of mini oreo's - 750 plus 2 cans of juice - 310 ugh. Sept 7, 8:04 pm I probably weight close to 175. No joke at least 170. I need to stop. September 9, 10:57 pm long day. went to class learned of genocide, the stars, the cultures, and more german. had a weird good talk with Jill about stuff, bugs me that she's always trying to know what's best for me in terms of depression when i'm the only one who knows. September 12. Goddamn. I can't do it. I'm caught in a mass web of food, grease, fat, flab, weight, it sucks. Having a boyfriend's packing on the pounds. I'm losing money. I wnt from Target to cub to urban fucking outfitters to ragstock to Sidney's to the movie rental, I need to fast. Damn jill. she'll be 21 soon. Ashley, you're fuckin fat, gross, lazy, pathetic, need to get your ass in shape, fast. " I won." "What do you want?" " a cookie." " I'll give you a cookie alright.. with shit chips." Sept 16, 12:09 am. Just minutes after the worst day of my life. If hell exists on earth, I was far in it. I got fired. Don't want to write more, I'm fuckin sick of talking about it, it's my fault but seriously that office' a communication skills were jacked. I got done writing an e-mail to the head boss. the real bitch who fired me. I had to get a word in. That's what matters. cried more today then sept and august combined. excited for future employment. less fascist. I miss Kat, back when comic relief was real. Nat and I fought, frankly I fuck up. I feel wronged. I strive driver after him, he hangs up on me. He calls later all sympathetic like, what's he expect. I 've been emotionally stressed and to add insult to injury, off meds for the past few days. 2:45 pm. Outside of coffman smoking a cig after a half ass class and skipping one fully,.If the pain I put myself through are really a test then I don't know what to think comparing and contrasting other's lives to mine is silly. I know and impossible. if everyone were equal then everyon'e discord would have the same outcomes. The past few days caught me way off guard, plus being off meds made my mood turn into bipolaresque turntables. 'm sick of fighting so I just dont talk anymore. My feelings are numbed until one event provokes them to come all at once. I'm just amazed I didn't do serious damage especially since I was medless. September 18, 11:42 pm. Nat's sleeping, I wasn't ready to go to bed.I keep thinking of the past year, i lost myself, and found myself and then would sit up in the black corner of each. Sometimes, I can accept the past and eccentricites without doubt, and times like now, I realize that really i'm not completely better and maybe will never be. Pills have made the suicide disappear, the overreaction and crying and with 3 days without zoloft, everything crumbled upon me. I try not to analyze my own life so much. I spoil myself, i get away with shit with no authority. So I guess, if most of the world are drugs and the rest should be on drugs, where does the boundary lie between the realy you and the mixed you? If future is written and each person has a path that meets and connect with others and so forth then somewhere the path would stop. but who gets the trail to their path? Sept 21, 8:51 am. Went out with Jill last night for her birthday it was actually fun. Mill told her life story to oh four strangers. Got to talk wiht her friend Courtney. God, we ate way to much. I need to get in shape, today in day one. Sept 22, 11;:11 pm. Hrs of homework - 6 at least cigs - 2.5 food - 2 fruit snacks, spaghetti, green beans, slim fast worked out, got a parking ticket. Then i bought groceries, target, paid bills. Nat was going to come over today but is stydying. then he was supposed to come over tomorrrow but not. at least i got my work done. siigh. It was nice having the whole day. But nat's right. I dont' know how to relax. I"m going to read the daily, Vanity fair, and go to bed. September 23, 2004. 4 something. I'm in my most boring class - cultural pscyh. Why the fuck did I take it? My tummy hurst from drinking coffee on an empty stomach. I've started reading elizabeth wurtzel's "more, now, and again', I relate to her a lot. Much of what she went through was more self destructive by far but she knew when she did it and probably was the reasoning behind it, as was my own. Maybe I should tell a my memoirs, write and expose my deepest secrets, thoughts, medication useage, how I'm sometimes carefree and numbe until something on any scale blows me off guard and defies my stability such as being fired or something miniscule. Hmm. Lecture - "asians are taught to not express their emotions much." fuck, it's true. I still want to write, i don't know why. Do i want people who know me to pity me or be disappointed with me? Do i want to scar my friends take on me more? Do i still want to live through my experiences again and again? Do I want to remind myself that I have faults and mental instabilities that feel byond my control, when there is no need to remind myself? Di I feel the need to prove to my parents how much Their daughter struggled? or Do I want to be this middle class college student american with a lot promise, only to whine, complain and become a cautionary tale? I don't know. Did my future profession choose me for a reason or did I grab it unconsciously? I'm fucking tired of memorizing fancy labels to simple concepts. Not to mention utilizing it in a paper in my own words. 11:40 pm. Tired. Hitting the hay. |
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