| Spiritual Humour |
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| Life's a Scream |
| I've never seen a ghost. I've looked like one many a time, but I've never actually seen one. The only thing that goes bump in the night in our house is me, falling downstairs at 2am trying to find the toilet whilst half asleep. I often wonder what my reaction would be if I did indeed meet one. Do they look like the ghosts on the Scooby-Doo cartoons? The spook is, of course, always 'old man Palmer', the owner of the amusement park covered in an old sheet. I'd like to think I would be very adult and have 'a nice little chat' with it, but in truth, I dare say a change of underwear would be quickly needed. I have various friends who have seen them. One, who worked as a security guard at a centre in Birmingham, swears that one of the major halls is haunted, and that an old monk has been seen on CCTV. Apparently none of the guards will patrol this particular spot at night. My sister worked in a hospice where ghosts were occasionally seen. One night her colleague followed a lady along the corridor. The lady turned and smiled, then walked into a storeroom. Thinking a visitor had taken a wrong turn; she followed her. Once inside, she realised she had come in through the only door and that the storeroom was completely empty. The smiling lady had vanished into thin air! The poor nurse had to go home. |
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| Writer Nick Richardson picks over the bones of Halloween and makes a spectre of himself |
| Some people, of course, love being frightened. Hence the very popular ghost hunt programmes on TV. Now call me a whimp and dress me in girls' pants, but my idea of fun is a long way from spending the night in a pitch black dungeon waiting for the cold, grey hand of a long dead person to fondle my hair! People often say that the atmosphere changes and strange smells materialize when a spook is present. Believe me when I tell you that any strange smell would emanate from my direction should I ever be confronted by a ghoul. If the ghost couldn't run through walls, then I certainly would! I'm also a dunce when it comes to horror films. I thought Freddy's Revenge was a documentary on the latest Queen tribute band. I did once see Nightmare On Sesame Street, but I have to say it wasn't very scary - although, that Big Bird character was rather menacing. To be honest, you wouldn't want to find him nesting in your attic! As for the film I Know What You Did Last Summer...; so do I, I re-pointed the house and hung new kitchen cupboard doors. What's scarey about that?... |
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| ...I do, however, really enjoy Halloween. I never need asking twice to dress up in silly costume. Last Halloween my two young sons asked if we could go trick-or-treating. I spent hours preparing my outfit: a long floor-length black cloak and black hat. I pulled a stocking over my face, which made me look very ugly indeed. All of my features changed and looking in the mirror was more of a shock than usual. I hadn't shaved for a few days and the bristles on my chin poked out through the nylon. Once outside I decided my neighbours' wife would be the ideal prey for a good scare. As luck would have it, as I walked down the road to their house, I saw her come out of her front door and make her way down the path. Ooh this was too easy... |
| I hid behind a convenient bush and eagerly awaited my victim. Her footsteps echoed as they got nearer and nearer to me. Just one more step... I leap out of the shadows with a blood-curdling scream, my arms thrown high into the night air above my head. I bellowed like a rabid wolf. "Aaggghhh!" "Oh, hi Nick," she said with a pleasant, nonchalant air. "Nice outfit." She walked past me with hardly a glance. Thoroughly dejected I walked back home and got changed; I put my feet up and had a cup of cocoa. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm just not cut out for spooking. Four hours later, in bed, my wife turned to me and said: "Don't you think you ought to take your stocking off now darling?" Cruel creatures, women... |
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