Crazy Hitchhiker

A Pointless Story

Last weekend I had a weird thing happen and I find myself thinking a lot about it. As you may know, I was in Oregon last weekend to be the best man at a friend's wedding. (The wedding is a whole other story) Well, after the wedding, a few of us die-hards went out for drinks, then yankee-country dancing (read line dancing), and then a little hot tubbing. I woke the next morning with a slight hang-over and headed back to Portland (from Eugene). I popped in a tape of Beethoven (good for hung-over driving) and settled into my seat.

Just as I rounded the curve heading north on I-5 I saw a woman who was thumbing a ride. Now, I usually don't make a practice of picking up hitch hikers, but this particular woman looked like she really needed a hand. It was cold out and it looked like she had seen much better days. Plus, it was a two-hour drive and I could use the company. So I pulled over and unlocked the passenger-side door. This lady looked bad. I mean, she looked like she had literally just come out of the gutter. She had two bags filled with who knows what. Her breath was pretty bad too. I was starting to wonder if I was going to regret making this stop.

"I am so glad that you stopped." she said, "I am SO COLD." "Yah, it's kinda chilly this morning." I reply trying not to sound like I am super interested in hearing a long story, but I guess that that is inevitible. She told me about how she had some money stolen from her and that she was heading up to Portland where she had a check waiting for her. She also explained that she was a nurse and that she was going to be opening up a new restaurant in San Fransisco. I smiled, and turned up the Beethoven.

"This is Beethoven's first symphony." I said, trying to focus her attention on the music. But to no avail, she told me that she played folk guitar and that a friend of her's was a concert pianist and that they performed duets together. She starts digging through one of her sacks and pulls out a paper clip and a jar of lotion. She explained that the people who stole her money also took all of her make-up which would cost her $2000 to replace. I sat looking straight out at the road, but watching what she was doing out of the corner of my eye. She pulled down the vanity mirror and rubbed the cream into her face. Then, she started to clean her fingernails with the paperclip.

"I was so cold last night that I tried to dig myself a shelter. Sorry that I don't look so good."

"Don't worry" I said, "I'm sure that I don't look so good either."

Well, after some more idle chat about her son and two ex-husbands (one of whom is a millioniare and has custody of her youngest) We start getting closer to Woodburn (my exit). "Well, my exit is coming up. Is there any particular place that you'd like to be dropped off?" "Yah, is there some place that has food or maybe a McDonald's nearby. I am so hungry and haven't eaten in a day."

Now, this was the first thing I believed. I told her that there was a Burger King nearby and she said that that was OK. I saw her digging through her purse digging out change. She had about 80 cents in her palm when the purse ran dry. I thought to myself, what the hell is she going to buy for 80 cents at Burger King? I waited for the "can you help me out?" pitch, but it never came. She just thanked me for the ride and gathered her things. As she started to open the door I said, "would you mind if I gave you a couple of bucks for breakfast?" She said, "If I had any money, I would not accept it, but right now, it would be very appreciated." So I rummaged through my wallet and gave her a fiver. "Good luck." I said.

She poked her head back in the car and said: "Did you know that I'm a psychic?"

"No," I said. "Really?" trying to sound genuine in my disbelief.

"Would you like me to give you a reading?"

-- Now, anyone that knows me knows that I do not believe in psychics and would normally never solicit a psychic reading. But I thought to myself, what the heck, might as well get a little entertainment for my five bucks. "Sure" I said.

"Then grab my hand and close your eyes and we'll transfer energy." Now, I wasn't exactly sure about the "closing your eyes" stuff, but I figured that we were in a BK parking lot so I went along. She shook my hand tightly for a few moments and then asked me to open my eyes. She told me that I would meet the girl that I was going to marry in three months. She told me that she would be tall, thin, and refined, but was going to teach me how to "take my shoes off" and have fun. She said that she would be 1 to 3 years younger than me and that when I kissed her, I would make her eyes change color.

I said thanks and drove off. Weird girl huh?

I guess you never know what you're going to get when you pick up hitchhikers.

-Nick 24Jun97