One Liners

1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?

2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?


3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?

4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?

5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?

6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?


7. WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?

8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?


9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?


10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?

11. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?


12. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?

13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?

14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?

15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?


16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?

17. WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?

18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?


19-A. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?


19-B.   HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?


20. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?


21. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?

� Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

� Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

� Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

� Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

� I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

� I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

� I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

� I intend to live forever - so far, so good

� I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

� If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

� If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

� Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

� Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

� Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

� Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

� Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

� The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

� When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

� Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

� Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

� If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

� Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

� 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

� If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

� Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

� Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

� When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

� Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

� Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

� If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

� Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

� What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

� Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

� I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

� I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

� I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

� Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

� How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

� Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

� Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

� Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

� Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

� For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

� OK, so what's the speed of dark?

� Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

� Black holes are where God divided by zero.

� All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

� Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

� I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

1. You boil the hell out of it.

2. "Dam"

3. Polaroids.

4. A stick

5. Nacho Cheese.

6. Subordinate Clauses.

7. Quatro Sinko.

8. Spoiled milk.

9. Frostbite.

10. A nervous wreck.

11. Anyone can roast beef.

12. Right where you left him.

13. Because they have big fingers.

14. Because it scares the heck out of the dog.

15. Sanka.

16. The location of the dirt bag.

17. Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

18. A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

19-A. Unique up on it.

19-B. Tame way, unique up on it.

20. Skeet.

21. An Amish Drive-By Shooting.