My battle with Panic disorder began when I was 14. I was at school and I had my first panic attack. I was terrified! I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought I was dying! I told my teacher to call 911! I was so scared! The ambulance came and asked what I had taken. I told them I had taken caffenine pills. I use to be so tired in the morning, that occasionally I would take caffeine pills in the morning for extra pep. They took me to the hospital. There I saw a doctor and they said it was due to the caffeine pills. I thought I had a seisure or a heart attack. My mom came to the hospital and she was worried sick! The doctor sent me home, and I thought it was just a one time thing that happened to me and that it was due to too much caffeine. Only later to find out I was really wrong! About a week later I had another panic attack. This one was really bad! Once again, I called the ambulance, but this time I was at home. The parametics came and checked me out and said that I was fine and that if I wanted to go to the hospital it would be better if my mom drove me, than for me to go in an ambulace. My mom took me to the hospital and again they checked me out, told me I was fine and sent me home! I still didn't know what was wrong with me.
Well, my life went on and I grew up with out having panic attacks , but always feeling like something was wrong with me, or that something was different about me. I was really nervous in big crowds. I couldn't speak in front of a group of people, and I was always very nervous and fidgitey. When I was 19 I had my son, Cortland. I didn't have any real panic problems at all until he was 5 months old. I started to have some subtle painc symptoms. My heart would race when I was driving, and I would get clamy, and sweaty. I just ignored it and tried to forget about it. Then one day I was driving down the highway and things started to get black and my heart started to race. I was sweating, I couldn't breath, I was nauseous etc. I was freaking out! It terrified me! I made my mom drive, and I told her I wasn't feeling good and that I wanted to go home! We got home and I felt better. I thought that it was really weird and I was scared it would happen again. I didn't tell anyone about it, I just lived in fear of it happening again! I didn't really know what it was, and I didn't know why it was happening to me.
Then the next Monday morning when everyone was at work and I was home alone with my son a terrifying thought occured to me. "What if something happens to me when I am alone with the baby?? What would happen???" I was so terrified. I made myself so anxious with my thoughts I couldn't eat, sleep, or be alone for fear of having another attack . I became agoraphobic. I only told Rob, my fiance, and partner of 5 years what was going on. He suggest that we go to the hospital, I thought maybe someone there could help me! They didn't, they did just the opposite. They practically told me I was crazy after I told him I thought I might be causing my own anxiety at times. The doctor suggested that maybe I should go to Great Oaks psychiatric hopspital. That of course made things worse. Now I had to face the fears of feeling crazy!! Well, I finally realized I had to see a psychiatrist. I kind of knew a little about panic attacks and thought maybe that is what was happening to me, but I wasn't sure. I knew what agoraphobia was and I was sure that I had that! (I could barley leave the house!) I went to a psychiatrist and he told me all about Panic disorder and prescribed me Zoloft. I started to see a therapist, and it helped me so much! She introduced me to a really great friend Lauren with panic disorder, which helped me a lot. Just being around someone who understood and could help me was wonderful. When I started to learn about my disorder and how to cope with it, I got better, a lot better! I learned to talk myself down from having a panic attack and how to think positively.
Panic disorder has changed my life, and even though I had to go through a lot to get where I am now, I feel it was a postive experience to go through. Although I am not "healed", I am 100% better than I was a year ago. I have learned how to enjoy life more and to be thankful for even the simplest things. Like being able to drive to work by myself, or even to be able to work at all! I am happy to be better and happy to be able to enjoy life with my son and my fiance, he has been there for me and helped me through it when I was so alone and scared. Thank you Rob I will always love and cherish you, and the things you have done for me! Lauren without your friendship I could never be where I am today! Thank you for being such a great best friend! If you want to talk or have any questions just email me anytime! I am always interested in talking to someone who shares the same problems and struggles! Thank you for listening!! :o) |
