Clip Show Transcript {Kelly Dean Hansen}

[This special was aired immediately following the expanded 200th episode.
Throughout the transcript, the speech headings of the cast will be given 
by the first names of the actors, whether or not they are in or out of 
character.  Bob Costas will be represented by his last name.  The Clip 
Show was directed by Kelsey Grammer.]

Episodes Referred To:

[1.05] Here's Looking At You
[1.07] Call Me Irresponsible
[1.15] You Can't Tell A Crook By His Cover
[1.20] Fortysomething
[2.09] Adventures In Paradise, Part II
[2.10] Burying A Grudge
[2.14] Fool Me Once, Shame On You
[2.17] Daphne's Room
[2.23] The Innkeepers
[3.01] She's The Boss
[3.05] Kisses Sweeter Than Wine
[3.12] Come Lie With Me
[3.14] The Show Where Diane Comes Back
[3.16] Look Before You Leap
[3.17] High Crane Drifter
[4.04] A Crane's Critique
[4.07] A Lilith Thanksgiving
[4.14] To Kill A Talking Bird
[4.21] Daphne Hates Sherry
[4.22] Are You Being Served?
[5.09] Perspectives On Christmas
[6.02] Frasier's Curse
[6.12] Our Parents, Ourselves
[6.17] Dinner Party
[7.03] Radio Wars
[7.13] They're Playing Our Song
[8.08] Mary Christmas
[8.18] Forgotten But Not Gone

[FADE IN: Set of "Frasier." John Mahoney is seated on Martin's chair, petting Moose. Jane Leeves, David Hyde Pierce, and Peri Gilpin are seated on the couch, and Kelsey Grammer on a chair next to the couch. The interviwer, Bob Costas, is seated on a chair next to John Mahoney.] Costas: So, you've just seen the two hundredth episode of "Frasier," no doubt the most successful spinoff in television history, and this show has more Emmys than the Yankees have pennants. We've gathered the essential cast here: Kelsey and John and David and Peri and Jane and "Eddie" the dog, whose real name is Moose - and that has to be the first question. It's one thing for an actor or actress to have a stage name, but how the hell does a dog whose real name is "Moose" learn to answer to "Eddie?" John: [chuckling] He doesn't most of the time. Costas: There you go! [The cast chuckles.] Kelsey: No, that's the beauty of it. He really doesn't do any of the things that we ask him to do. [CUT TO three outtakes from the Season Four episode [4.07] A Lilith Thanksgiving. Niles is telling his family that he is depressed because it is his first Thanksgiving without Maris.] John: What's wrong? David: Oh, just a little depressed. It's my first Thanksgiving without Maris. [Moose barks.] John: Oh, I know son, it's hard. David: Remember the year... [Moose whines.] Quiet, I'm talking! [John breaks into laughter. David smiles.] [CUT TO a second outtake.] John: What's wrong? [Moose barks.] Shut up! [He and Kelsey smile.] [CUT TO third outtake.] John: What's wrong? David: Oh, I'm just a little depressed. This is my first Thanksgiving without Maris. John: Oh, yeah, I know son, it's tough. David: Remember... [Moose whines very softly. David looks bewildered and breaks into laughter.] [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Costas: I hear that sometimes he short-circuits, though, and he goes off, like into another bag of tricks besides the one he's supposed to do, right? David: We all kind of do that. [Cast chuckles.] You know, if it's been a really long night. Kelsey: [over David] Yeah, with this many shows... [CUT TO an outtake from the Season Eight episode [8.08] Mary Christmas. Martin, Daphne, and Niles have all opened their gifts early, and are wearing or enjoying them. They watch Frasier hosting the Christmas parade on TV.] Kelsey: [from TV] You know, gifts can't be opened until Christmas day. You know, in my house, we don't even shake the boxes. [As John begins to make Martin's "shameful" look upon hearing this, Moose pokes his head between the chair and the TV tray, attempting to grab what looks like a candle. He has a bow on his head. John grabs the candle and pretends to throw it away for Moose to fetch. Moose falls for it and runs off. David grins widely and John begins to laugh.] [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Costas: Who screws up the most? [The other four all stare at John.] John: Why are you all looking at me? Kelsey: [over the mumbling of the others] Actually, we were thinking maybe you knew! [CUT TO an outtake from the Season Four episode [4.04] A Crane's Critique.] David: It's not just for our benefit. After all this baseball, the man must be starved for intellectual stimulation. John: Oh, I guess, I go, oh,I know what you're saying. That, uh this... David: I have no idea what you're saying. [Kelsey joins this sentence. All three begin to laugh.] [CUT TO an outtake from the Season Two episode [2.10] Burying A Grudge. Martin is speaking to Daphne.] John: She's got this gigantic rear end, I mean it's enormous! It looks like she's shoplifting placemats. [Jane and John both have puzzled looks on their faces after this utterance. Kelsey can be heard sniggering in the background, and John and Jane start to crack up. The line should have been "shoplifting throw pillows."] [CUT TO an outtake from the Season Three episode [3.16] Look Before You Leap. Martin is talking about the plane crash from which he escaped.] John: The last thing I remember is this fat lady from across the aisle barreling down on me like a polyester avalanche! [Kelsey and David look at each other and begin to laugh. This was the correct line.] [CUT TO another outtake of the same scene.] John: This big fat lady from across the aisle is barreling down the chute after me like an alabaster porpoise! [John chugs a beer as Martin. Kelsey laughs uncontrollably. David looks bemused, and joins in the laughter.] [CUT TO an outtake from the Season Three episode [3.12] Come Lie With Me.] John: I'm going to start wearing washed pants. That damned dryer again. [Kelsey and David are trying to process this utterance.] Kelsey: Did he say "washed pants?" [CUT TO an outtake from the Season Four episode [4.14] To Kill A Talking Bird This is in the kitchen of Niles's Montana apartment. Martin is staring at Baby the cockatoo, trying to meet the bird's gaze.] Kelsey: You know, Daphne, perhaps we should leave these two alone. I sense a real battle of wits shaping up here. [John continues the routine, but he and Jane crack up immediately after Kelsey leaves the room.] [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Costas: Who's most like his or her character, and who's least like? John: [perhaps sarcastically] I think Peri probably is least like her character. [CUT TO an outtake of the Season Six episode [6.17] Dinner Party. Roz is in the kitchen preparing to go out with Daphne.] Peri: Why? Because I'm not cultured, I'm not sophisticated, is that what you think? I wouldn't... [loses line, expletive bleeped] -me! [Kelsey and David react to this, then laugh.] [CUT TO an outtake of the Season Eight episode [8.18] Forgotten But Not Gone. The scene is at the radio station.] Kelsey: This is Frasier Crane, reminding you that a great wine is like a great woman: always intoxicating, ever surprising, and only getting better with age. [Peri moves to the door separating Roz's booth from Frasier's microphone. She cannot open it. She reaches through the glass window (in which there is really no glass) and unlocks the door. She opens it from the "correct" side and stares at Kelsey with a huge grin, to which he reacts.] [CUT TO an outtake of the Season Seven episode [7.03] Radio Wars. The scene is at Café Nervosa.] Peri: Hey, look, that's them over there with Kenny. Wow, the Chicken's a lot better looking than on his bill...[she stutters] Wow, the Chicken's a lot better looking... Kelsey: Wow, the- yeah. [he chuckles] Peri: Wow, the Chicken's a lot better looking than on his billboards. Of course he's not squatting in a... feather... suit. Oh [bleep], I'm sorry! Okay. [Kelsey and Peri laugh. CUT TO another take of the same scene.] Peri: Wow, the Chicken's a lot better looking than on their billboards. Of course he's not squatting in a feather suit trying to... Shoot! [Roz-like] Okay, don't look at me! Kelsey: Okay, I'll stop looking at you. [they laugh] [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Peri: I remember some bad sound cues. [CUT TO an outtake from the Season One episode [1.20] Fortysomething. Frasier is at the piano playing at a Beethoven piano sonata. Kelsey presses the keys of the piano, and no sound comes out. A second after this, the sonata is heard.] Kelsey: Let's try that again. [CUT TO a very brief outtake, from the Season Six episode [6.12] Our Parents, Ourselves. Kelsey is opening the door to reveal Peri. The doorbell is heard as he is opening the door.] [CUT TO another outtake from [7.03] Radio Wars. Frasier is in bed. The phone rings and Kelsey answers "Hello." The phone then rings again, and Kelsey looks at it.] [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Costas: They say that you like to skate on the edge. You don't really like to memorize your lines perfectly. Kelsey: That's true because, um, you know after you play the same character after eighteen years, ah, it's a skill I've developed. I like to think of it as a skill. The rest of the cast will tell you different. David: You can see it, too, when the car is going to go off the tracks. You can see it in your eyes. It's going, it's going, oh, no, there it goes. [The other cast agree with this.] Costas: He gets a certain look? David: Like a deer in headlights, and then a deer under headlights. [CUT TO an outtake from the Season Six episode [6.02] Frasier's Curse. The scene is in Café Nervosa.] Kelsey: [spoken rapidly] I have an extremely important job interview. A job for which I am eminently qualified, but that I am no longer bound to get because... I am completely [slowing] out of lines! [David laughs.] [CUT TO another outtake from [4.14] To Kill A Talking Bird. This scene is at the radio station.] Peri: You know, Frasier... Kelsey: Roz, Roz, please, I know what you're going to say. That I should get back up on that horse, that I'm too good a catch to... Sorry. Roz, Roz, I know what you're going to say... please, please, I know... Sorry. Roz, Roz, please, please I know what you're going to say... Let me do it again. [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Costas: Let me ask each of you to pick a single scene that you'd put on the clip reel. If one clip is going to go in the time capsule, what's your choice? John: Mine would be, uh, the exploding, uh, uh, shaving cream. [Cut to an outtake of the climactic scene from the Season Four episode [4.22] Are You Being Served? David (Niles) enters from the bathroom covered with shaving cream. The door is covered too.] Jane: Dr. Crane, are you all right? David: I'm fine. Just a little hot... and foamy. John: You know what must have happened? My "Hot and Foamy" must have ex... [he breaks into laughter, unable to finish the word. Jane is also laughing hysterically, and Kelsey and David can no longer resist.] Kelsey: I was so good until then! Jane: As was I!! John: All right. [They all attempt to regain their composure and dry their eyes.] John: [clears his throat] All right! [regaining a straight face] You know what must have happened? My "Hot and Foamy must have exploded! Jane: He was a detective, you know. [Now it is Jane who cannot restrain herself. The others join the laughter.] [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Peri: My favorite is John. It's very early on, and he's trying so hard to remember his line. He's trying so hard, and he thinks, "If I start over and I do, like a huge body movement, if I connect my words to my body movement, and do it over, and over, and over again, somehow it'll all come to me. [CUT TO an outtake from the Season One episode [1.05] Here's Looking At You. Martin is looking through the telescope out the window.] John: Hi! How ya doing! Kelsey: What are you doing?! John: She's waving at us. I'm waving back. Kelsey: Don't do that! John: Why?... uh... [stutters, laughs] [CUT TO another outtake of the same scene.] John: Hi! How ya doing! Kelsey: What are you doing?! John: She's, uh, waving, I'm waving back! [Kelsey laughs.] John: Hi! How 'ya doing! Kelsey: What, what are you doing?! John: She's waving at us. I'm waving back. Kelsey: Don't do that! John: Why not? Hey, uh, she's right... [Kelsey laughs. A crew member enters the scene, does something with Moose, and leaves again.] John: Hi! How ya doing! [Kelsey and John both laugh.] How ya doing! [They continue to laugh.] Kelsey: What are you doing?! John: She's waving at us. I'm wading... waving... Hi! How ya doing! [Jane can now be seen joining in the laughter, and Kelsey now can't control himself. [CUT BACK TO Interview.] David: Mine, I think, you know [to Kelsey] there's the one you do in the coffee shop with me, where... Kelsey: Yeah, right. David: He just has a line that's completely unintelligible. [CUT TO the line, which is from the Season One episode [1.15] You Can't Tell A Crook By His Cover.] Kelsey: [very slurred, fast, and nearly impossible to understand] Yes, I almost had to sedate him when Daphne announced that she was gonna go out with him. [CUT BACK TO Interview.] David: And it doesn't matter - you can watch it a thousand times, you can put it on pause, you can put it on slow motion, you can get a translator. You still will never know what he is saying. [but you read it here!] [CUT TO the line again, then back to David.] David: It's just kind of a fun game to play at home. [CUT TO the line a third and final time, then back to the interview.] Jane: I would have to say anytime John Mahoney - your name's coming up a lot, John - has to say anything like... anything foreign, a foreign name, or a country, or just somebody's name. Kelsey: Oh, yes, those are amazing. Jane: You just have to wait and see what comes out of his mouth. John: That's not fair because the writers set me up on that a lot of the time. [they start to disagree] They did. They were gunning for me. [they chuckle] [CUT TO an outtake of the Season Three episode [3.17] High Crane Drifter.] John: When I was in Korea, I dropped off in a foxhole just outside of "Pan Mun Yum." [He, Jane, and Kelsey begin to laugh.] [CUT TO an outtake of the Season Five episode [5.09] Perspectives On Christmas. It is in the Crane kitchen.] John: Well, the next thing I know, he's roped me in to play a shepherd. Well then, Dutch Gavorst... [he grins] [CUT TO another take of the same scene.] John: The next thing you know, Dutch Gavance... [CUT TO another take of the scene.] John: I got roped in playing a shepherd, and then Dutch Gavanzfort... [he loses control and cracks up] [CUT TO another outtake from [8.18] Forgotten But Not Gone This is at Frasier's and Niles's Wine Club.] John: Now, I've got a big plate of "Gevushloschin" waiting for me at my table at home. [the word should have been "Gewürzplätzchen." David and Kelsey laugh as he exits.] [CUT BACK TO Interview.] John: You might be interested in some of the people who do "Frasier." [The others agree.] Kelsey is an amazing mimic. Kelsey: Once in rehearsal years ago, it suddenly occurred to me that I was doing Bette Davis. [CUT TO a scene of the Season Three episode [3.05] Kisses Sweeter Than Wine.] Kelsey: [imitating Bette Davis] A rug? Where a rug doesn't belong? [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Kelsey: And, we kept her in the show, and she has shown up several other times. [Cut to a scene from [6.02] Frasier's Curse.] Kelsey: [as Bette Davis] Nancy Kurds? Jane: [reading] "Mother of three. Successful physician. Has invented a drug that may aid in the treatment of cancer." Kelsey: [as Bette Davis] Ah! A cure... for cancer! [CUT BACK TO Interview.] John: We have to try to keep a straight face. Jane: He's got many more. John: It's insane. Kelsey: Well, we do, uh... Jane: There's Walter Matthau. [Cut to a scene from the Season Three premiere [3.01] She's The Boss. Frasier comes running out of his bedroom.] Kelsey: [as Walter Matthau] What the hell was that?! [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Kelsey: Uh, Jackie Gleason we've done... [CUT TO a scene from the Season Two episode [2.09] Adventures In Paradise, Part II. Frasier is approaching Lilith, who is sitting in Martin's chair.] Kelsey: Put down that mango, my dear. It's time you tasted the forbidden fruit. [Bebe Neuwirth rises from the chair to face Kelsey. As Jackie Gleason] Yeow! [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Kelsey: Sylvester the cat. [CUT TO a scene from the Season Three episode [3.14] The Show Where Diane Comes Back. The scene is a theater where Diane is putting on a play.] Kelsey: I may be able to illuminate you, [lisping] F-F-Franklin. [CUT TO a scene from the Season Two episode [2.14] Fool Me Once, Shame On You. The scene is in Café Nervosa.] Kelsey: Then that would make you a priest? Priest: (Bernard Kuby) Yes. Kelsey: [taking his briefcase] Well, then, [lisping] F-F-Father... [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Kelsey: Oh, yes, and certainly we do, um... Peri: Jack Benny. John: Oh, Jack Benny of course. [Cut to a brief outside shot from an episode impossible to identify with certainty (Ask Me No Questions perhaps?) Kelsey has his hand on his face and looks suspiciously about. Cut to another scene from another unidentifiable episode in Frasier's apartment. Kelsey makes the same Jack Benny gesture.] [At this point, the commercial break in the clip show occurred.] Costas: What didn't make it into a show that you wish had? Kelsey: One of my favorite things ever was when I... I there was a road crew working down below, and Frasier was just trying to get some rest. [The following never-used scene was almost certainly intended for [3.01] She's The Boss. Frasier rushes into the living room in his dressing gown. Below we hear the sounds of a road crew working.] Kelsey: [shouting off the balcony] Ohh! For the love of humanity! You - yes, you in the orange hats! SHUT UP! [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Kelsey: The, uh, notion that we are like a family is definitely one that is true, I mean, we'll be doing a scene and the real name comes out, you know, in the middle of a scene. [CUT TO an outtake from the Season Seven episode [7.13] They're Playing Our Song. Frasier and Martin are seated at the table.] Kelsey: The truth is, Dad, I just don't know if I can do simple. John: Well, I don't know whether you can do it or whether you just don't want to. You know, Kels... [he chuckles. Kelsey smiles. [CUT BACK TO interview.] Kelsey: The restaurant show, for instance, was a great show where we all got to work together. [CUT TO an outtake from the Season Two episode [2.23] The Innkeepers. The scene is the kitchen of a restaurant that Frasier and Niles have purchased.] Kelsey: [entering] Niles, this veal piccata has to be veal marsala. [David takes the veal off a plate that Kelsey is carrying, tosses it back to Jane, who washes it off in the sink, then tosses it back to David, who is wearing a chef's hat. David tries to catch it on the plate, but misses. [CUT TO another scene from the episode. A muffled boom is heard outside the kitchen.] Kelsey: What was that? [Peri enters, hair on end, covered with debris from the explosion.] Peri: Big blue flash... cherries everywhere... [Kelsey, as Frasier, grimaces at the sight.] [CUT BACK TO interview.] Peri: I don't think there's anything we haven't been through together. We're still... we're still a family. [The others agree.] Costas: One of the show's creators, David Angell, was on American Flight 11 on September 11. How has that changed the atmosphere in the weeks subsequent to his death? David: It certainly reminded us of the best things about what we do and the best things about the show because certainly David represented that. Kelsey: Yeah. Jane: Absolutely. Kelsey: Absolutely, and it was funny, when we were reviewing some of the clips that we were going to show tonight, there's a couple of shots of David in there... [Various shots of David Angell appear over the following.] Kelsey: Just to remember what a great spirit he was, and what an important part of the show he was. But that, actually, isn't gone. That element of the show isn't gone. Peri: I feel like this is a part of Lynn and David's legacy, and it makes me even more proud to be part of it. And almost protective... even protective of it. Costas: Part of television life is doing promos. Does that sit well with you? Kelsey: Ha! I'm not sure it sits well with them, actually, after they get through with it. Um, Jane had a particularly interesting time with some promos. [Jane covers her face in embarassment.] [CUT TO a take of a promo with Jane sitting in Martin's chair.] Jane: You're watching U.P.N. Sixty-Nine... [She laughs.] [CUT TO another take.] Jane: You're watching U.P.N Sixty-n- [She laughs even earlier.] [CUT TO another take.] Jane: You're watching... [she cannot say the rest before she cracks up.] [CUT TO another take.] Jane: You're watching U.P.N. Sixty-Nine. [The laugh has begun before "U.P.N." is uttered.] [CUT TO another promo, probably for a different station. She doesn't even say a word before she loses it.] Jane: This one's even worse! [She laughs hysterically and this continues as she reads the following.] Hello, Seattle, you're turning us on... you're turning me on... [CUT TO a promo for a different station. Jane is in the same position for all of these.] Jane: You're watching K.D.L.T. "We got the good stuff." [She can't utter the second sentence without laughing again.] [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Costas: For a show that's so well-written, there's a fair amount of physical comedy. Kelsey: One of my favorite routines was actually breaking down... well, I like to think of it as making love to myself on a bed. David: [teasing Kelsey] Oh, in the show, you mean? Kelsey: Yeah, in the show. [The others chuckle.] Costas: Would you care to elaborate? Kelsey: Uh, actually, you can just watch the clip. [Cut to the famous scene from [2.09] Adventures In Paradise, Part II. The scene is in Bora Bora. Frasier is shaking and jumping on the fragile bed as he fakes a sexual encounter when jealous of Lilith.] Kelsey: [listening at the wall while kneeling on the bed] Nothing! Damn her, she can give as good as she gets! [He begins to bounce on the bed.] Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, Oh Mama! Oh, oh, God you are so hot! I am burning up! [He stands and begins to jump on the bed.] That's it! That's it! Yes! Yes! Oh, my God, yes! [He begins to shake the canopy, banging it on the wall.] Keep it up, baby! Oh, you're killing me! Oh, God, you're an animal! Yes! Yes!! [Lilith and Brian (Bebe Neuwirth and James Morrison) have entered and are looking in the door. Madeline (JoBeth Williams) has entered from the bathroom. All stare at Frasier (Kelsey) in horror. He then notices them.] [CUT BACK TO Interview.] Costas: Two hundred episodes. How much longer can you go and maintain the quality, have it still be fun? [They all laugh.] Kelsey: Well, you know... there is a natural ending to it, and you know, it seems to be landing somewhere around eleven years and, uh... [As we fade out, a famous scene from the Season Two episode [2.17] Daphne's Room is shown, with Frasier accidentally seeing Daphne in the shower, her screaming, and him running horrified out of the room.] Kelsey: (v.o.) That will probably be our graceful exit from the history of television. End Credits: [We are being shown an outtake that turned out to be a little joke on Kelsey. It is from the Season Four episode [4.21] Daphne Hates Sherry. Kelsey is in a bathtub with a mask over his eyes. We here John yelling "Frasier!" Kelsey replies, "I'm taking a bath!" We then see John entering the bathroom wearing shorts. He climbs in the tub, surprising Kelsey, and then the rest of the cast, including David, Jane, Peri, and guest stars Dan Butler and Marsha Mason, join them, creating a large, hot-tub-like scenario. Butler has a cigar in his mouth. Kelsey sits up, wiping the soap from his eyes, and yells "Cut!" This is the only end credit sequence, if it counts, where we have ever heard dialogue over the "Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs" rendition.] [NB: Of interest--Earlier in the evening, NBC showed two reruns from Season Eight, [8.14] Hungry Heart and [8.19] Daphne Returns. In place of the credit sequences for those episodes, NBC aired yet two more outtake sequences. After Hungry Heart, a series of takes from the Season Six episode [6.12] Our Parents, Ourselves were shown. They featured Jane attempting to say the line, "Her dress is slit so high, you can almost see Caracas." (referencing Miss Venezuela while Daphne is watching a beauty pageant). Jane can't say the line without laughing. After Daphne Returns, a clip from the Season One episode [1.07] Call Me Irresponsible was shown. It was the Christmas Card picture sequence from that episode. John walked forward, then realized he had forgotten something. "I forgot my cane," he said, laughing. Then there is a second outtake from the Season Five Episode [5.06] Voyage of the Damned, where the waiter throws a glass of champagne in David's face, causing him to crack up.]

Legal Stuff

This episode capsule is copyright 2001 by Kelly Dean Hansen.  This episode 
summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount Productions 
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