[10.5]Tales From The Crypt

Tales From The Crypt                 Written by Saladin K. Patterson
                                     Directed by David Lee
Production Code: 10.5
Episode Number In Production Order:
Episode Filmed On:
Original Airdate on NBC: 29th October 2002
Transcript written on 10th November 2002

An Instant Classic...

After a somewhat rocky start to Season Ten, this is a brilliant episode 
in every way, plus a much better Halloween story than last seasonís 
dreadful ďRoom Full of Heroes.Ē  While it was hard to decide which 
storyline I enjoyed most, Dan Butlerís return appearance as Bulldog 
takes the prize in the end.

Just to ensure that you all fully appreciate it, hereís a little 

Bob ďBulldogĒ Briscoe, once the host of KACLís Gonzo Sports Show, was 
fired from KACL at the end of Season Six.

Before that, his last great battle of pranks with Frasier was:
- [3.04] Leapin' Lizards

After he was fired, he worked briefly as a pizza boy, and as Rozís 
- [7.05] The Dog That Rocks The Cradle

Before being hired back to KACL as an archivist, last seen in: 
- [9.08] The Two Hundredth


Gertrude Moon has appeared in the following episodes:
[7.24] Something Borrowed, Someone Blue [2]
[9.12] Mother Load [1]
[9.13] Mother Load [2]
[9.15] The Proposal
[9.23] The Guilt Trippers
[9.24] Moons Over Seattle
[10.1] The Ring Cycle

Transcript {Mike Lee}

Skyline: An orange moon rises above the cityscape, taking on the face 
of a grinning Jack-O-Lantern.


Scene One - KACL
Roz is in Frasierís booth, setting up for the show.  The room is 
decorated for Halloween.  Bulldog comes into the booth, laughing.

Bulldog: Hey, Roz...

Several employees pass by the open door laughing and congratulating 

Bulldog: Hi, hi, hi.  Roz, you just missed the classic prank of all 
         time.  Iíll admit it, this was my masterpiece.
    Roz: [excited] Oh, who, who?  Whoíd you get?!
Bulldog: OK...

Before he can begin he is interrupted by a passing female staffer.

Employee: Way to go, Bulldog! 

He barks at her.  Then Kenny comes in, laughing.

  Kenny: There he is! [slams chests and slaps hands with Bulldog]
Bulldog: I got this friend down at the impound lot, who came across a 
         smashed-up BMW, same make and model as Frasierís.
    Roz: You didnít!  You got Frasier!
Bulldog: I had his car towed from the garage, the wreck went in its 

They all laugh.

  Kenny: The doc totally freaked when he saw it.  First he started 
         swearing, and then he implored the heavens, and just when 
         his lip started trembling, Bulldog comes out, tells him 
         itís all a prank.
Bulldog: Hey - Bulldog observes the mercy rule.  Besides, I got the 
         whole thing on tape.

He proudly holds up the tape.  Then Frasier comes in, stone-faced.  
Kenny runs out while Roz hastily turns back to her work.

Bulldog: Admit it, Doc, I got you good.

Frasier says nothing.  He stares through Bulldog and starts setting up 
for the show.  Roz ducks into her booth.

Bulldog: Come on, [slaps Frasierís backside] say it: Bulldogís the 
         best. [no response] OK, OK, how Ďbout the bitch dance I taught 
         you? [giggles, still nothing] Well, at least give me one up 

He raises his hand up for a high-five.  Frasier grabs his wrist, twists 
his arm behind his back, and pushes him out of the booth.

Bulldog: Come on - oh, come on, donít leave me hanging, Doc!  Whereís 
         your Halloween spirit?

Frasier shuts the door in his face and sits at his console.  Bulldog
re-enters, hand still raised.

Bulldog: Donít worry, itíll be here waiting for you.

He leaves.  Frasier gets up and stalks into Rozís booth, stamping each 
word out of cold steel.

Frasier: For the record, I knew immediately it was not my car.  Mine 
         has a bumper sticker on it that says, ďI AM PRO OPERA AND I 
    Roz: Frasier, youíve got to admit, it was clever.
Frasier: I admit nothing.  That is the last we shall discuss of it, we 
         have a show to do.
    Roz: OK.

Frasier goes on the air.  As he speaks, he removes some books from his 
briefcase and starts flipping through them.

Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle, and welcome to the Halloween edition 
         of the Dr. Frasier Crane Show.  Today we will be discussing  
         the topic... of fears.  Are they irrational hindrances, or 
         evolutionary tools?  Hmmm...  the surprising answer, after 
         these words.

He goes to commercial.  But someone has loaded the wrong cart into the 

Frasier: [on tape; wailing] My car!  Ohhhh, no - my caaar!  What did 
         they do to you?!  Oh, my bay-beee...!

Frasier glares at Roz, who holds up her hands to show she had nothing 
to do with it.  Frasier stabs the stop button on the player.  

Bulldog re-enters, hand still raised.

Bulldog: Whenever youíre ready.

He leaves, waving goodbye with his raised hand.  Frasier glares after 
him as Roz tries to control her laughter.


Scene Two - The Montana Nilesís apartment at the Montana, Halloween night. Someone is ringing the doorbell insistently and knocking as well. Niles does not answer, instead he just peers through the spy hole. Daphne tiptoes in carrying a bowl. They both whisper to each other. Niles: Did you find something? Daphne: Do you think theyíll take soy sauce packets? Niles thinks, then shakes his head. Gertrude strides in, not knowing why she should keep her voice down. Gertrude: Who keeps ringing the doorbell? Daphne: Shh! Itís trick or treaters. The doorbell stops ringing, and Niles looks through the peephole. Niles: OK, theyíre gone. Gertrude: Well, why didnít you let them in? Daphne: Because someone forgot to get Halloween candy. Niles: Although, someone else could have picked it up since she was already in the store. Daphne: But, that would override the duty list that someone insisted on implementing. [smiles] Beaten, Niles cozies up and kisses his wife. Gertrude: If this is what you two call a fight, youíre not fit to be married. I once held your fatherís head underwater, and- Someone rings the doorbell again. Daphne: Shh! Gertrude: Oh, for heavenís sake! [through the door] We havenít got any candy, shove off! Niles: Great, now they know weíre here. Another doorbell. Gertrude: That is precisely whatís wrong with this country, everyoneís afraid to stand up to the children. She opens the door to Jason, a boy in some kind of space cadet costume. Jason: Trick-or-treat! Gertrude: Didnít you hear? Weíve got no candy! Niles: [clearly scared] We can offer you hotel soaps. Jason: But itís Halloween. I dress up, you give me candy. Gertrude: That costume's supposed to be scary? Jason: No, is yours? Niles bites his fingers, afraid of what the boy is stirring in his mother-in-law. Gertrude: Oh, a nice bite into an onion is what that mouth of yours deserves. Jason: If you donít have treats, youíre going to get a trick. Gertrude: Do your worst! Iím not afraid of you. [shuts the door in his face] Honestly! She goes off to her room. Niles: OK, well, maybe Iíll go get some candy after all. He heads toward the door, but freezes when he hears the unmistakable sound of EGGS whapping against the door. He hears three whaps, then nothing. He cracks the door and slowly opens it... and jerks backward as a fourth egg hits the door. He shuts it and walks up the stairs. Niles: OK, Iím going to need my slicker and my squash goggles! FADE TO:
Scene Three - Cafť Nervosa Roz is sat at a center table. Frasier comes in with his briefcase. Frasier: Good morning, Roz. May I join you? Roz: Sure, Frasier. Well, Iím glad to see youíre not sulking today. Frasier: Yes, well, I had a little time to think about it, and Iíve decided to put Bulldogís prank behind me... Roz: Thatís very mature. Frasier: Iím not finished! - by visiting upon him a prank that is ten times more dastardly. Look at this. He opens his briefcase and shows her a legal pad, on which he has carefully drawn a picture of a car with a red balloon tied to the antenna. Roz stares, wondering if sheís missing something. Roz: Looks like a car with a balloon tied to it. Frasier: Precisely. I will tie a red balloon to the antenna of Bulldogís car every time his precious Seahawks- He flips to the next page of the pad, showing what looks like a football strategy chart, the kind that a coach would draw on a locker room blackboard. Frasier: -lose a game. Over time, the conditioned response will become ingrained in his psyche. Eventually, the mere sight of a red balloon- Flip to the next page, featuring an enlarged picture of a red balloon. Frasier: -will bring about in him an inexplicable sense... Flip to the last page, showing a picture of Bulldogís face with tears streaming down it, attached to a thought bubble with a red balloon inside it. Frasier: ...of loss. [drops the pad into his briefcase] Check-and-mate! Roz: [stares for a second, then:] Isnít that... kind of out there? Frasier: Thatís the point. Well, of course, I could go with any one of your basic pranks - hand in warm water, and whatnot - believe me, I have an intimate knowledge of all of them. But what Iím looking for is something unmistakably ME. A signature prank, if you will. Roz: Why donít you just forget about revenge and give him his two minutes in the sun? Frasier: What, at my expense? Roz: Look at his life! You guys used to be equals, now heís stuck downstairs in that dark, musty archives room. You must have some sympathy for him, donít you? Frasier: ďDark, musty archivesĒ... I think I could use that! He grabs his legal pad and starts drawing on a fresh page. Niles, Daphne, and Gertrude come in. Niles: Hello, all. Frasier: Hello, Niles. Gertrude: Why do we have to stop here? I could make coffee at home. Niles: Now, now, itís good to get out of the house, get some fresh air, exercise those lungs. Gertrude: My lungs are as strong as ever. Just yesterday, I finished a whole cigarette in two drags. [off their shocked looks] One off me record! Daphne: [sees Frasierís pad] Whatís this? Frasier: Iím devising the ultimate prank, to get my revenge on Bulldog. Niles: Ah, well just beware the dangers of juvenile one-upsmanship. Only last night, Mrs. Moon challenged a trick-or-treater, and he responded by pelting our door with eggs. Gertrude: Yeah, but I got the little monster back, by putting a big, greasy glob of Vaseline on his doorknob! Frasier chuckles with her, but Niles and Daphne are appalled. Clearly, they didnít know about this. Niles: You said youíd put an end to it! Gertrude: Hence the Vaseline. Daphne: Mum, heís a child! Gertrude: Well, itís time he learned you donít mess with Gertrude Moon without incurring my wrath. Now, excuse me, I require cocoa. She moves off to the counter with dignity. Frasier: You know, I think she has the right attitude. If I expect Bulldog to leave me alone, Iíve got to show him that heís dealing with a superior intellect. Roz: Show them the balloon car. Frasier glares at her, then drops the pad into his briefcase and primly snaps it shut. Frasier: Iím sure Da Vinciís early notes were full of laughs too! [gets up] Excuse me, I have devising to do! At the counter, Gertrude receives her cocoa from the Barista (the same unflappable one from [9.19] ďDeathtrapĒ), who then refers to a bill. Barista: Thatíll be... $32.03. Gertrude: For one drink?! Barista: Your grandson ordered a bunch of cakes, and he said it was all on you. He points over her shoulder. She turns and sees Jason, laden with BAGS and grinning. Jason: Thanks for the treats, Grandma! He runs out, with a livid Gertrude in hot pursuit. Daphne and Niles moan and droop in their seats. FADE TO: Scene Four - The Montana Back to Nilesís apartment. Gertrude comes in, cackling to herself. Sheís wearing heavy gloves and an oil-stained mechanic's smock, carrying a BICYCLEíS FOOT PEDAL ASSEMBLY, with the chain still dangling from it. Gertrude: Oh, letís see the little sod get to school without these. Oh, this should settle it! She goes to her room, laughing evilly... not noticing the HUGE GOB OF SHAVING CREAM dripping out of the air vent above the hallway. FADE TO:
[Over the black screen we hear the boom of thunder, and the screen flashes white two times.] Scene Five - KACL Storage Room The storage room in the basement of KACL where Bulldog now works. It is pitch dark. Martin slowly opens the door from the stairwell and comes in hesitantly. Martin: Is anybody there? FOUR ZOMBIES rise from behind the stacked boxes and stagger towards him. Martin: [acting] Oh, zombies... the living dead. Help, help! Frasier: Everyone, hold please. The lights come up. The four zombies - three men and one woman - are actors, wearing tattered costumes and cadaver makeup. Frasier is standing in the corner of the room, behind a viewing screen on a tripod. The screen is connected to a camera mounted in a corner of the ceiling. Wires crisscross the floor, connected to the screen and other film set devices. Roz comes down the stairs and stands next to Martin. Frasier: Zombie Number Two, what are you doing? Zombie 2: Iím scaring Bulldog? Frasier: I see. Is that what zombies do, they scare people? Zombie 2: Um... Frasier: Wrong. They eat brains, and THATíS what scares people. Now, look, this is our dress rehearsal, let's please try to get this right. Bulldog comes in, he hears noises, zombies go after his brain, and his terror is caught on videotape for us all to enjoy at a later date. Now, letís try this again. First marks, please. Martin: Oh, jeez, Fras, this is the fourth time through. Can somebody else play Bulldog now? Frasier: Dad, you said you would help me with this. Martin: Well, thatís because you said we were gonna do a practical joke. I thought it would be fun. Frasier: Whatever gave you that idea? [to one of the actors] Todd, I am getting ďdeadĒ from you. But I am not getting ďundead.Ē Todd: [bored] Still? Frasier: Letís try this then. After rehearsal, I want each of you to write a paragraph detailing who your character was when he or she was alive, how they died, and why theyíre now after Bulldogís brain. Martin and Roz trade a disbelieving look. Frasier: Honestly, Roz, you know, you haven't given me much to work with here. These are the worst actors Iíve ever seen. Roz: [annoyed] Well, Iím sorry, but the Royal Zombie Company just left town with its all-zombie production of ďHamletĒ! Martin: How many more times are we going to do this? Frasier: Why is it that whenever Bulldog pulls off a practical joke, you all applaud him, as if heíd won some sort of bowl or cup or other sports dish? But when I ask you to give up a single Sunday, all I get is complaints? Martin: Well, because you keep turning it into work! This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time. Frasier: Like when? Martin: Well, the last time we went to the beach! Frasier: A lot of people bring rakes! Roz: Look, Frasier, itís not too late to back out of this. Face it, jokes just arenít your specialty. Frasier: What is that supposed to mean? Martin: Well, what she means, son, is that we all have our different blessings. And Bulldogís good at jokes and fun, and youíre good at... reading, and, uh... telling people about the things you read. Frasier: Are you saying that you think I canít pull this off? Roz: Oh, I wouldnít put it that way. Martin: I would. Frasier: But Iíve worked this out to the last detail, nothing can go wrong! Roz: Everythingís gonna go wrong! For one thing, Bulldogís gonna know somethingís up, Ďcause Kenny hardly ever makes him work at night! And then look at all these cameras and all these wires, I mean, what if he spots these? Martin: And the zombies, as soon as he sees them heís gonna know itís a prank, because he just pranked you! [composure cracks] And there are no such things as zombies!!! Frasier slowly raises his arm, and imperiously points to the door. Frasier: You, sir... are released! Martin nods gratefully and walks out. Frasier: [to Roz] And you as well! She leaves, following Martin up the stairs. Frasier sticks his head through the door and yells up the stairs. Frasier: Iíll pull this thing off by myself, proving you donít know what youíre talking about! I donít need any of you! Taking this to be their cue, the zombies start to file out. Frasier: Wait, zombies, I do need you! [up the stairs] But no one else! Iíll show all of you! You mark my words, tomorrow night I get my revenge! As if to mark his point, a crack of thunder comes from one of the machines sitting on a box, which then starts to blow misty smoke. Frasier: Ah, good, the effects machineís working again. [claps hands] All right, everyone, back to your first marks. The zombies wearily resume their places as Frasier returns to the camera. [N.B. Kelsey Grammer is no doubt perfectly familiar with all this equipment by now, having directed many episodes himself.] END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene Six - The Montana At Nilesís apartment, Gertrude is pacing in the living room when someone knocks on the door. She opens it to a Courier. Gertrude: Where have you been? Courier: I'm sorry, I had a hard time finding this place. I checked the directory for ďCrane,Ē but it had ďOld BatĒ next to this apartment number. Gertrude turns to a large toy box sitting next to the door. Gertrude: [to herself] A little obvious, but not bad. She picks up the box and gives it to him. Gertrude: I want you to deliver this ďBaby-I-Have-To-TinkleĒ doll to Jason White, Floyd Middle School. [gives him a paper] This is the address. I mean, he should be in gym class about now. Courier: I donít think Iím allowed to just walk into his school, ma'am. Gertrude: No, itís OK. Iím his grandmother. [points to the paper] And you have to say this. Courier: [reading] ďYour mommy said, bring this to you at school to lift your spirits. See? A dolly has accidents too.Ē You really want me to say that? Gertrude: Yes, and very loudly. The poor thingís hard-of-hearing. She tips the Courier and sends him off. Gertrude: [raises both fists] Yes! FADE TO:
Scene Seven - KACL Frasier is sitting in his booth, which has been modified to a directorís booth. On a small television is a black-and-white image from the ceiling-mounted camera in the basement. Frasier is wearing a headset radio, and also has a control panel in front of him. Frasier: Todd, take off that baseball cap. Youíre undead, not uncouth. On the screen, Todd removes his baseball cap and signals acknowledgement at the camera. Behind Frasier, Martin and Roz enter the booth. Frasier: All right, everyone, step lively, look sharp. Itís almost showtime. Give me a final room tone check, please, and... take your marks. Martin: Hey, Fras. Frasier: Well... hello. Youíve come to watch me fail, I suppose. Roz: No, we just want to come join you. Martin: Yeah, weíre sorry about that stuff we said yesterday. Roz: Yeah, we came to see you have your day. Itís long overdue. Frasier: Maybe I donít want you here. Roz: What do you mean? Frasier: You abandon me in my hour of need, now youíre here to revel in my success, just like in Boswell's ďLife of Johnson.Ē Martin: What? Frasier: It was something-I-read. Martin: I guess we deserved that - whatever the hell it means. Roz: Come on, Frasier, weíre sorry. Just let us watch. Frasier: All right, apology accepted. You may observe - in silence. Make yourselves comfortable. They stand behind him, eyes on the screen - and struggling to hide their smiles. Frasier focuses evilly on the screen, looking for all the world like Dr. Frankenstein as he manipulates his control panel. Frasier: And prepare to witness a man brought to the very edge of madness! Martin: [in Rozís ear] I think heís already there. FADE TO: Scene Eight - The Montana Gertrude is reading on the couch. Niles and Daphne come down, dressed for an evening out. Daphne: Mum, weíre off to the symphony. Gertrude: Havenít the Germans punished us enough? Niles opens the door - and a GARBAGE CAN that was leaning against the door tips inside, spilling trash all over the floor. Niles/Daphne: Oh!/Bloody hell! Niles: Where did this come from? Gertrude: [innocently] Oh, you must have crossed someone. Daphne: [not fooled] Mother... Donald and Beverly White, Jasonís parents, appear in the doorway. Donald: Oh my God! Iím so sorry! We were just coming down the hall, and we saw you open your door. This is our trash can! Daphne: What was it doing there? Beverly: [out into the hall] Jason, get back here! [to Niles] It seems our children have been feuding. Weíre very embarrassed. Niles: Youíre embarrassed? Meet our daughter. He motions into the room. The Whites are somewhat taken aback to see a sixtyish woman sitting there. Gertrude: [waves cheerfully] Hello! Jason comes in, sullen. Jason: I have a lot of homework... Beverly: Stay! Donald: Jason, have you been fighting with this woman? Jason: Well, she broke my bike and made me have to see a counselor at school! Now Donald and Beverly look appalled, and Gertrude is the one on the spot. Gertrude: [gets up] I think I left something in the kitchen... Daphne: Stay! Gertrude: I am an adult! I can do anything I want! [stamps her foot] Niles: No. While youíre living under our roof, youíll follow our rules. Daphne: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. What if someone got hurt? Jason: Good. Beverly: Jason! You are one step away from losing your broadband connection. Now apologize and shake hands. Jason reluctantly comes over and holds out his hand. Gertrude: [putting her arms on her hips] Pish. Niles: What if I told you you couldnít smoke your pipes in your room anymore? Gertrude relents and takes Jasonís hand. Gertrude/Jason: [mumbling] Iím sorry. Daphne: Now, you two are going to clean up this mess. Beverly: And Jason, come straight home when youíre finished. They leave. Daphne: And this place better be spotless by the time we get back. She steps out the door. Niles stops and points a warning finger at both of them, before following her. Jason: I wish I was all grown-up, and I wouldnít have to follow their stupid rules! Gertrude: Oh, nothing changes, trust me. They sit still for a moment, sulking. Jason: You know... my mom hates bugs. She screams like a girl. Gertrude: [elbows him] So does my son-in-law! Jason: I know where we can find some crickets. Gertrude: No! Now, we should do as weíre told, and start cleaning up. Jason: OK. They go over and Gertrude rights the garbage can. Gertrude: That way, they wonít be expecting it! She and Jason laugh as they start to pick up the garbage. FADE TO:
Scene Nine - KACL Frasier is still at his console. By now, Kenny has joined Martin and Roz behind him, and all three of them are twitching with excitement. Kenny: This is so great! I canít wait! Iím getting goose bumps! [holds out his arm and rolls up his sleeve] Feel me, feel me! Frasier: Kenny, what was the condition of my letting you watch? Kenny puts a finger to his lips and retreats to the back. On the screen, Bulldog comes into the storage room. Frasier: There he is. Cue creaking noise one... [presses a button on the panel] CUT TO: the Storage Room As before, the room is dimly lit. But unlike the rehearsal scene, here the effect is genuinely eerie - even more so when Bulldog hears a soft creaking noise. Bulldog: Hello? Whoís there? CUT TO: Booth Frasier: Cue creaking noise two. [presses another button] CUT TO: Storage Room Bulldog hears another creaking noise, louder and yet more distant. He looks around nervously. CUT TO: Booth Frasier: Now, let the horror begin... [presses another button] CUT TO: Storage Room: The zombies rise from behind the boxes and stagger towards Bulldog. He gives a yelp of terror and backpedals. CUT TO: Booth Roz, Martin, and Kenny laugh, as Frasier glows with evil triumph. Frasier: Yes! How do you like that, ya big baby! [laughs] CUT TO: Storage Room Bulldog screams as the zombies corner him against a wall. He reaches down, rips through a cabinet, and holds up a REVOLVER. Bulldog: Get back! CUT TO: Booth Frasier and the others look at the screen, suddenly shocked, hearing Bulldogís yelling - and then a GUNSHOT! On the screen, they see Todd collapse onto his back. Frasier: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! [tears off his headphones and rushes out] CALL 9-1-1, CALL 9-1-1! Kenny grabs the phone and dials frantically - but as soon as Frasier is gone, Roz starts laughing. Martin: Donít worry about it, Kenny! Itís just a joke! Kenny: What are you talking about?! Martin: Itís a fake gun! Kenny: What? Martin: Itís-a-fake-gun! Kenny: [still unsure] What about the bullets? Roz and Martin laugh harder. Roz: Itís a joke! Bulldog found out about Frasierís prank, so we set him up! Kenny: [laughing] That is awesome! I canít believe he fell for it! Roz: Come on, we got to go tell Frasier whatís going on! Kenny: You guys go ahead... [Roz and Martin run out] I think Iím gonna stay here and puke. CUT TO: Storage Room As the other three zombies flee the room, screaming, Todd lies on his back on the floor. Bulldog still has the gun when Frasier comes tearing in. Roz and Martin are right behind him, followed shortly by Kenny. Frasier: Stop! Stop! It was all a joke! Oh my God, what have I done?! Martin: Whatís the big deal, he was already a zombie! [laughs] Frasier: Are you insane?! Call an ambulance! Todd bolts up and grabs Frasier, making him yell and jump. Bulldog, Martin, Roz, and Kenny laugh uproariously. Frasier: What is going on here? Roz: [points] Wave to the camera, Frasier! Frasier: What? Bulldog: Got you again, all on tape. Whoís the king? Thereís laughter all around, except from Todd, who gets up and leans back against the wall, staggering slightly. Frasier: That isnít funny, I could have had a heart attack! Martin: Oh, sorry, Fras, we just couldnít resist. Frasier: Well, at least nobody was hurt. You bested me, Bulldog, again! Todd steps forward, reaching behind his back with his hands as if trying to scratch. Todd: Dr. Crane, I think I hurt my back... Frasier: What? Todd suddenly collapses forward, showing a SCISSORS HANDLE sticking out of his back. Everyone GASPS. ALL SCREAMING: Roz: OH MY GOD!!! Martin: WHAT HAVE WE DONE?! Kenny: SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE! Martin: WHEREíS THE PHONE?! WHEREíS THE PHONE?! As Frasier grabs one off the desk, and everyone runs around in panic - Frasier: Roz, get the first aid kit out of the closet! Roz: OK! OK! [runs over] Bulldog: No, no, not the-! Roz opens the closet and SHRIEKS as she sees Noel hanging inside the door by a MEAT HOOK impaled through his bloody chest. Martin: WHAT THE HELLíS GOING ON DOWN HERE?!?! Frasier: Quiet, quiet, everybody! [into phone] Hello? Yes, Iíd like to report... THE GREATEST PRACTICAL JOKE EVER! Youíd better send a fire truck, because you guys just got BURNED! AH-HA-HA-HA- HA-HA-HAAAAAA! Frasier and Bulldog laugh while everyone else stares at them, open- mouthed. Roz: Wait, what?! Noel: [looking up] Hi, Roz! She SHRIEKS again. Todd gets up, quite unharmed. Bulldog: You should see the look on your faces! This is truly a classic! Martin: This was all just a joke? Kenny: Awesome! With that, Kenny claps a hand over his mouth and runs out of the room. Bulldog: Nice work, Doc. Frasier: Likewise, Bulldog. [they shake hands] Todd: You think I can get a copy of this for my demo reel? Frasier: [pats him on the shoulder] Sure thing, Todd. Youíve come a long way in a short time, young man. As Todd walks out, Martin plucks the scissors out of the foam pad underneath his jacket. The blades were splayed out so as to flatten against his back instead of pointing in. Martin: Well, Frasier, Iím speechless! You totally had us going! Roz: I canít believe it! Frasier: Admit it, Roz, can I pull off a practical joke, or what? Roz: I just donít understand it, you guys worked together? Bulldog: Yeah, Frasier set the whole thing up. Frasier: The other day, after you two left, I got to thinking maybe my joke was aimed at the wrong target. Thatís when Bulldog and I joined forces! Roz: But we joined forces with him to get you! Frasier: Thatís exactly what you were supposed to think! Martin: Wow, Fras, I got to give it to you - this was brilliant! Frasier: Thank you, Dad. What do you say we all go upstairs and watch the tape, huh? Everyone agrees enthusiastically and runs upstairs. Bulldog stays behind to get his jacket from the closet. Frasier: All right, you guys go ahead. Bulldog? Bulldog: Yeah? Frasier: Technically, I still owe you one Bulldog: Face it, Doc, you will never win. [to Noel, who is still hanging on the door] Good work, Noel. Bulldog closes the closet door (replacing Noel inside) and puts on his jacket. Bulldog: Thatís why you had to join forces with me. He holds up his hand. Bulldog: Huh? Frasier: Youíre right. They slap hands in a hearty high-five. Bulldog: All right. Bulldog heads up the stairs, totally unaware of the ďIíM PRO OPERA AND I VOTEĒ sticker affixed to the back of his jacket. Frasier chuckles deviously to himself and follows him up. Credits: Storage Room: The janitor comes into the storage room and starts picking up the various objects scattered by the mayhem. He goes over to the closet and swings it open without looking inside - thus keeping his back to Noel, who is still hanging from the door and looking vastly relieved to have been rescued at last. But the janitor is wearing headphones and listening to a Walkman, so he doesn't notice Noel until Noel taps him on the shoulder. The janitor spins around, sees Noel, and faints dead away. Noel lets out a sigh and hangs on. [N.B. The janitor is played by series writer Dan O'Shannon.]

Guest Appearances

 Special Guest Stars
 DAN BUTLER as Bulldog
 MILLICENT MARTIN as Gertrude Moon

 Guest Starring
 PATRICK KERR as Noel Shempsky
 J.D. CULLUM as Donald
 KATHIE MAZUR as Beverly
 JAMES OLIVER as Barista
 DARION BASCO as Zombie 2
 LIA KING as Employee

Legal Stuff

 This episode capsule is copyright 2002 by Mike Lee. This episode
 summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
 Productions and NBC. Printed without permission. 
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