EDUCATION
University of Massachusetts Amherst
Bachelor's Degree in English
OBJECTIVE
One bad ass cool cat seeks a job where other people will confirm his megalomaniac fantasies, preferably addressing him by the name of "Gustav."
EXPERIENCE
10/02-1/03 Target Woburn, MA
Super Cashier
- Prevented self from killing countless tyrannical children
- Maintained a constant pleasant demeanor, even during the Holidays, which normally make me want to go on a month-long bender till it�s all over
- Assisted customers in finding their way around the store, and more than half the time gave them accurate directions
- Familiarized myself with tabloid gossip to better communicate with our housewife demographic
- Pronounced Target as TAHgit, to fit in better with the Boston crowd
6/02-7/02 Hastings-Tapley Insurance Agency, Inc. Woburn, MA
Awesome Administrative Assistant
- Utilized Excel to create awesome charts with formulas and pretty fonts
- Deciphered boss�s unintelligible handwriting
- Procured just one serving of hot chocolate a day, making sure to save some for other workers
1/99-5/02 PCCO (PC Classroom Operations) UMass Amherst Amherst, MA
Cocksure Consultant
- Placated stressed users by superhumanly solving their computer problems
- Resisted the urge to jokingly tell users their entire thesis was lost and they�d have to start over
- Pretended to care about their insignificant problems
5/01-8/01, 5/00-8/00 Ropes and Gray Law Firm Boston, MA
Library Assistant, Computer Room Consultant
- In the Library:
- Bulldozed through a gigantic bookcase full of law inserts, single-handedly keeping the lawyers up to date on the law and saving the firm from sinking like a big heavy stone
- Ripped a page off the Dilbert calendar daily, keeping the library up to date and amused by Dilbert�s crazy antics
- Folded numerous paper cranes with my origami skillz, bringing tranquil feng shui to the office
- Hounded packrat lawyers with witty repartee until they relinquished their long overdue library books
- In The Computer Room:
- Stapled, Filed, Typed, Fiddled, Twirled, Telephoned, Masticated, Lubricated, Sat Down And Waited, Affiliated, Alleviated, Adjudicated, Demonstrated, Delineated, Did My Homework But The Dog Ate It, Evaluated, Exterminated, Triangulated, Tabulated, Mutilated, Became A Knight Of The Round Table Found A Big Nasty Dragon And Slayed It, Rehabilitated, Took My HomeWork-Eating Dog To The Vet And Spayed It, Televised, Supervised, Analyzed, Theorized, Anesthetized, Harmonized and Revitalized
5/97-8/98 K-mart Store 3638 Tewksbury, MA
Best Cashier Ever
- Administered over 1500 laughs to unsuspecting customers
- Exhorted to join the world of stand up comedy or other such crowd-pleasing occupations
- Delivered silly lines with expert comic timing
COMPUTER SKILLS
Typing Speed: Blistering
Excel and Word: Child�s Play
Windows and Mac OS: Like The Back Of My Hand
Solitaire: 80% Win Rate
I must have him work for me! I'll send Jason an e-mail with an offer of 100K a year!
Nah. What a buffoon. I'll just look at the rest of this dumb site.