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AQUARIUS - (JAN 21 - FEB 19)
With so much inter-planetary commotion going on in Uranus, things could be getting a little uncomfortable this month. Money is tight, so steer clear of spongers and look out for those 3-for- 2 offers. An old face from the past will look even older. The Tears of a Clown� mmm.

PISCES - (FEB 20 - MAR 20)
Oh stop whinging, you knew exactly what you were getting involved with, so it's no use blaming someone else. Put it down to experience and go down the pub as soon as possible, but REMEMBER - don't whinge to your mates all night - after all, they were the ones who thought you were being a ***t before it all went pear-shaped!

ARIES - (MAR 21 - APR 20)
Now I DO not believe you wanted to do that! - Oh well, if you're determined to learn the hard way the so be it. Look out for Leo who wants to get you even deeper into the sh*t. And remember NO-ONE looks good in orange.

TAURUS - (APR 21 - MAY 21)
Dear oh dear, things aren't going as easily as expected with that special someone in your life. Don't worry, just hang on in there till you get the chance to prove how you really feel - in the mean time, how about losing a few pounds round the buttocks. A shell-fish ornament spells disaster.

GEMINI - (MAY22 - JUN 21)
Ah yes, suspicious Gemini, still you were right though - it seems like you can't trust anyone this month. Never mind, it's not all bad - at least by the end of it you'll know who your real friend is (that's right, just there's only one).
Blue might not be your lucky colour.

CANCER - (JUN 22 - JUL 23)
Trying to please someone close is like banging your head against a brick wall at the moment, so best do what the f**k you like - you're not going to win anyway, and let's face it, you've not got much to lose either. Love comes on a plate.

LEO - (JUL 24 - AUG 23)
Christ you must be bored! - Well no-one wants to say "I told you so" - actually that's not true, all your friends want to say it. Try not to punch them when they do. A red shiny face proves to be lucky if not a little scary.

VIRGO - (AUG 24 - SEP 23)
There's a spiteful streak in you this month and I pity the poor b*st**d who's on the receiving end. "Who's a pretty boy then?" - you tell me. A visit to the dentist could cost you an arm and a leg before the months out. And mind the roads.

LIBRA - (SEP 24 - OCT 23)
There's something exciting heading your way this month - it maybe something you're expecting, or it could be a lovely surprise. Either way you'll be smiling from ear-to-ear and it's all to do with something 'green'. A decision you made last month means you blew your chance where that special some-one is concerned. A 'minger' might prove more useful than you thought.

SCORPIO - (OCT 24 - NOV 22)
If you've got it flaunt it! At least that's what they say. This could be good advice if you want to get noticed this month, but you'll get nowhere all the time you're hanging out with that friend who's better looking than you. A phone call will excite you but it's going to be f**king expensive in the long run. 62 is probably irrelevant.

SAGITTARIUS - (NOV 23 - DEC 21)
Yes, yes, everybody thinks you're wonderful, but it's getting boring now. Make the most of it, 'cos it won't last. Come April, everyone will see you as the t*ss*r that you are and you'll be crawling about the floor trying to make some friends. A party invitation could cheer you up, but remember: they don't really want you there.

CAPRICORN - (DEC 22 - JAN 20)
Something smells fishy and I don't like the look of it. It's too good to be true. There has to be a catch - and there is - but you won't find out till it's too late. Never mind.
Fields and trees provide the backdrop for a steamy session.