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| Prof Hammerbean |
| He's not a professor, or a bean. |
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| Things I have invented. 1. Monkey trowels 2. Banana nuggets 3. The official Tour de France banana nugget dispenser 4. A far-off land, which I call Absquatchulatania 5. Horse defacation enhancers 6. Tubes 7. Eddie Brickell and the New Bohemians 8. Booberangs |
| Welcome to the beautiful and treacherous world of science. |
| A Potted History of Prof Hammerbean Prof Hammerbean is not in fact a professor, his chosen career path being light housekeeping and lamb maintenance. In response to continuous prodding with a sharp stick, Prof Hammerbean eventually saw that investigating the science was his true calling. So he hired a lady-boy housekeeper, tossed his lambs into a passing volcano and began to run like a chicken without a stick into the shrieking arms of science buildings all across the ever transforming byways of knowledge and wiseness. After selling his family to a travelling brick company, Prof Hammerbean was free to devote himself entirely to the science and to the cheese. The science comes first, but not by much, godammit! His early forays in the science world were laughable in the extreme; a wooden face suit and a box for carrying ladies making him the laughing stock of Strobe Light And Epilepsy Con '98. Undaunted by this setback, he continued with renewed architectural menace. His first breakthrough came on St. Wendy's day later that year. As the rest of the world smashed their way through millions of festive sea turtles, Hammerbean put the finishes touches to his greatest work so far, the headless ostrich puppy. Buoyed by his success, he immediately went out and shot himself three no-good coppers. After his early realise on the grounds that he had not killed a tubercular baby, Hammerbean enter an inventive frenzy, his flailing appendages damaging matresses and hand shandies everywhere and knocking himself unconscious four times. When he emerged, quaking in somebody else's boots, on the other side, he had been responsible for creating the world's first potato-powered space tramp, a pig in a jacket, the donkey opener and three million dead in the Sudan, although it wasn't really his fault. Disillusioned with the commercial and social pre-occupations of the modern science, Prof Hammerbean has taken up a position on a ledge on the Building of Incertitude where, using the high-powered sniper rifle he borrowed from Tanita Tikaram, he takes potshots at ducks and Stephen Hawkings' ugly sister's wheelchair's break cables. |
| Theory of the day. Coastal erosion is actually caused by aquatic mice, which emerge from the sea every third midnight and fill their tiny mice buckets with earth. They bring this back to their underwater domains where they use it to build vast palaces for their tyrannical overlords, The Muppets On Crack. Many thousands of mice die in their labours but they get three solid meals and a day and the benefits are quite good, but there's no dental plan. In order to prove this theory, I have constructed a trap (see fig. 1.1) to capture an aquatic mouse and in turn use the helpless and by now tortured and broken creature to lure The Muppets On Crack to the surface by means of a giant catapult filled to the brim with glittering jewels. |
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| fig. 1.1 The aqautic mouse trap as modelled by the Earl of Swederland |
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| What I would like to see invented by so-called scientist-types by the year 2005 1. A gardening book for swans 2. Men tampons 3. A lighter that works in a cave 4. A pill that turns water into killer water 5. Landing lights for ladies' vaginas 6. Scissors that can cut swiftly through the beak of a pelican. 7. Illuminated testicles (see fig. 4.6.1) 8. Fuzzy leopards 9. Stunt biscuits 10. Speaking hats which warn of the dangers of milky tea |
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| fig 4.6.1 My initial conception of an illuminated testicle device |
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