Eva Braun's Tips for Living
The Third Reich's favourite hand-maiden shares her handy lifestyle hints.
Today's Top Tip:
When offering a rude-shaped vegetable to a clergyman avert his gaze by pointing out some dogs shagging on the lawn.
More exciting tips:
A nice way to recycle any old glass bottles you may have cluttering up the lower observation deck is to fill them with nails and launch them at unsuspecting toddlers. Remember to wear some good, strong gardening gloves to avoid injury!

If you fall into a disused mine shaft in the middle of the night remember to bring a packed lunch.

To avoid the ear-splitting horror of German opera, temporarily remove your eardrums
before the performance begins.

Old tractors make useful pets for senile gardeners.

My favourite way to brighten up the task of spring cleaning is to release a flock of wild kittens into the house and then search for them as you clean. They are so adorable you can't  help but be overwhelmed with joy. And kitten pie for tea!
Kitten pie!
Men who insist on making unsolicited amorous advances can be quickly discouraged by a sharp tug on the testicles. (Their testicles, ladies.)

To let everyone at a high-powered social gathering know that you are abreast of the latest scientific methods of our modern age simply enquire of the hostess in a strident voice "Is the lavatory equipped with an automated orgasmatron device?"

To remove beer stains from pubic hair, first dip the hair in a vinegar and honey solution. Soak for 15 (fünfzehn) minutes and hang outside to dry. When the hair has become hardened use some steel wool to brush those annoying stains away (and so much easier than using beer tweezers!).

Take amphetamines to counteract the influence of cough medicine or other mild seditives. Operate heavy machinery and industrial milling machines in a dizzying aura of safety and invincibility.

Have fun with maths! Try and work out the trajectory of an intercontinental ballistic missile fired from a crumbling ex-soviet republic at your home town.

Never expose youself to the same person twice by keeping a notebook with the names of exposees written down in red ink. Write 'IMPORTANT' in large letters on the front of the notebook.

Scoop out the insides of old hand grenades to make attractive egg-proof receptacles. But don't discard the high-explosive innards! Donate it to the local school for blind pyromaniacs so that they may make fireworks and stink bombs for festive pagan rituals.

Remove yourself from the Japanese Roll of Dishonourable War Cowards by sending the tops of four bottles of Yakamoto Honourable Washing Up Liquid Device to the following address:
Admiral Neddie Yakamoto,
Honourable Chief-of-Staff-Leggings of Roll of Dishonourable War Cowards,
Yakamoto Private Industries and Well Diggers,
2212 Minato-Mirai,
Nishi-ku,
Yokohama 220-8142,
Japan.

The honourable Admiral Yakomoto
Take me home, Horace
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