HERE WE GO...

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

A. Money

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?

A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?

A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?

A: More head room.

Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?

A: They are both used as substitute meat.

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?

A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!

Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?

A: A bellybutton!

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?

A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

A: K9P.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?

A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill-dough

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Q. What can a bird do that a man can't?

A. Whistle through its pecker.

Q: How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?

A: Marry her.

Q. Why did God put men on earth?

A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What is the difference between pink and purple?

A: Your grip.

Q: What's worse than a lobster on your piano?

A: A crab on your organ.

Q: What is the difference between a couterfit dollar and a skinny blonde?

A: One's a phoney buck, the other is a boney fuck.

Q. What's the difference between a womans G-Spot and a Golf ball?

A. A bloke will spend twenty minutes looking for a Golf ball

Q. How do you castrate a redneck?

A. Kick his sister in the chin.

Now for the battle of the sexes:

Ladies First...

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

A. They won't stop to ask directions!

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?

A. They don't have time.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them.

Q. What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?

A. Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.

Q. What one thing can always get a man out of your life?

A. A hunting licence.

Q. What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?

A. A candlelit football stadium.

Q. What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?

A. A sex-change operation.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?

A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why do men talk so dirty?

A. So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Q. What do men think the only difference is between Father's Day and those other 364 days?

A. The card.

Q. Why did God create man?

A. She didn't. Her husband did.

Q. How do you confuse a man?

A. Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.

Q. Why do men do odd jobs around the house?

A. If they do, it's odd!

Q. What happens when a man opens his zipper?

A. His brains fall out.

Q. Why did God make women so stupid?

A. Someone had to like men!

Q. Why did God put men on Earth?

A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!

Q. What does PMS stand for?

A. Putting (up with) Men's Shit

Q. Why don't women have men's brains?

A. Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

Q. Why do women fake orgasm?

A. Because men fake foreplay!

Q. What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?

A. They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?

A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q. What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?

A. A man's undivided attention.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?

A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. What did God say when he made man?

A. I'll get it right next time.

Q. Why did God make man before woman?

A. You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Q. Why do men float better than women?

A. 'Cause men are scum!

Q. Why do men have a hole in the end of their penis?

A. So they can get some air to their brains.

Q. Why do men like masturbation?

A. It's sex with someone they love.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it

Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q. Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white?

A. So they can tell if their Cumming or Going...

Q. How many men does it take to put the seat down?

A. Nobody knows. It hasn't happened yet.

Q. Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?

A. It turns your harddrive into a 3 1/2 floppy!

....Now, The Gentlemen

Q. Why did God give men penises?

A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q. How is a woman like a laxative?

A. They both irritate the shit out of men.

Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A. A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q. What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?

A. Marriage.

Q. Why are hangovers better than women?

A. Hangovers will go away.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?

A. Its Braille for "suck here".

Q. Why do men die before their wives?

A. They want to.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?

A. Lipstick.

Q. What's a wife?

A. An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q. Why do women have tits?

A. So men will talk to them.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?

A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

A. You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q. Why do women have periods?

A. They deserve them.

Q. Why did God make man first?

A. He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?

A. Made her chain too long.

Q. Why was the woman crossing the road?

A. Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?

Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Q. Why can't you trust woman?

A. How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"

The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."

Three women were sitting in a bar and talking about how loose they are.

The first one says,"I'm so loose that my husband can fit his whole fist inside of me."

Then the second one said,"I'm so loose my husband can fit his whole arm up to his elbow inside of me."

Then the third one slipped down the bar stool.

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a spongebath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines...no pulse...no heart rate.

The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says "I think she choked."

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

He says , "Put it between your legs."

She says, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door quietly, and kneels in front of him pleadingly.

"I would do ANYTHING to pass this examine," she gushes.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair seductively, and gazes very meaning fully into his eyes.

"I mean...." she whispers," .....I would do ANYTHING."

He returns her gaze."Anything?"

His voice softens."Anything??"

"ANYTHING!"she whispers.

He leans forward and presses his check against hers, with his mouth next to her ear. His voice turns to a whisper.....

"Would you ..... STUDY?

A teacher was helping her student with a math problem. She recited the following story:

"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"

The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one, "she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"

"None," the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple, " says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away."

"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."

"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating Popsicle's. One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman is biting the Popsicle, and one is sucking the Popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.

"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the Popsicle, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?"

"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied," the one who's sucking?"

"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall. One of them says, "You know Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick".

"How did You get it fixed?"

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right up her".

Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull get's a rip roaring boner and immediately get's it right up the cow.

Ben was impressed.

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and get's a rip roaring hard on!

He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey look!"

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean You woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that You have a nosebleed?"

Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern. To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys."

Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour."Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are."

"Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job."

Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar. "Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration with you."

Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."

A Polish guy is driving down the street in his brand new Cadillac, when he stops at a stop sign, a guy pulls a gun to his head, draws a circle on the ground, and tells the Polish guy to get out of the car and stand in the circle.

Then the guy starts beating on the Cadillac, but when he looks back, the Polish guy is laughing.

So he keeps beating on the car, looks back and sees that he's laughing even harder.

So he completely totals the car, where there is no chance of driving it again,looks back and the Polish guy is rolling on the ground, hysterical.

The guy says, "I'm wrecking your car, why are you laughing?"

And the Polish guy says, "While you were trashing my car, I was stepping in and out of the circle."

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