Extra! Extra! The B.A. Has a Life!!

An Exclusive Interview with the Barefoot Avenger

Really? Umm... how fascinating.. "Yeah, I would have been Tangerine Kathleen... wouldn't that have been terrible?"

I'll say. So what's new with you these days, B.A.? "Well, I'm gearing up for my second year of college!"

Wow, sophomore year! How does it feel being a "wise fool?" I feel wiser than a freshman, but also more foolish. Probably because I thought I could handle 5 classes."

So how are you liking this whole college thing? "I'm really liking it, but it IS kind of weird being able to do pretty much whatever I want with my time..."

Well, that's really a great thing! I mean, now you're living on your own, doing your own thing, just being you... "On my parents' money."

Well... yeah. "It's ok. I've got a job, and someday I might even get a raise..."

Great! What do you do? "I'm a student assistant in Special Collections in the library. I re-label folders, copy old manuscripts, and handle REALLY FRICKIN' OLD STUFF!!!"

Wow, so I guess you like it ok? "If I could work fifteen hours a week, I would."

That'd be a lot of money you'd be getting! "Well, no, not really... I'm in Maine, remember? Six dollars an hour is really pretty decent..."

Oh... right. So, freshman year is over... How were your grades? "Six A's, a B, and an F."

Six A's, a B, and... oh, ouch. Sorry about that "Yeah, I really wasn't ready for Inorganic Chemistry... which is something I wish I'd figured out sooner. But my GPA's still all right, for the most part."

And where is it that you're going to college, again?" "I'm going to Bowdoin."

And how, exactly, do you pronounce 'Bowdoin?' "It's not 'boh-do-een' or 'bow-dwin' or 'bow-down' or 'bow-doo-in,' just plain "BOH-dinh."

And it's really cold there, isn't it? "Bite me."

Okaaay... so, where do you live when you're not at BOH-dinh, exactly? "Well, I can't tell you EXACTLY, but I do live in the Silicon Valley, somewhere between San Jose and San Francisco.

Do you have your own computer at college? "I do! It'a lovely laptop with wireless internet capabilities! Yum!"

Nice. So I hear Maine is a pretty liberal state... how's that? "For some reason, I'm noticing it here more than in California, which is sort of ironic, but I guess it's because I'm on a college campus. At Bowdoin, people seem to either be really liberal or really apathetic, so I'm feeling good, overall..."

Good to hear! "Yeah, I'm dealing with it pretty well, but sometimes I have this insatiable urge to throw away recylables..."

I hear Bowdoin pays for your cable! Any TV programs you enjoy? "Well, I like 'Prime Minister's Questions', Iron Chef, The Daily Show, Whose Line is it Anyway, and 'Insomniac's Music Theatre' or whatever it's called on VH1 at three in the morning."

Why are you up at three in the morning? "I'm a college student, man..."

I see... favorite movies? "Surf Ninjas, Pride and Prejudice (A&E), Monty Python and the Holy Grail, You've Got Mail, Les Miserables (Lelouch), and Charade, which was introduced to me by Caroline, so I'd like to give her the credit!"

I see. How about favorite books? "Pride and Prejudice, The Complete Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, The Harry Potter series, Jane Eyre, and Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman."

Any least favorite books? "Pudd'nhead Wilson. No contest."

What's in your CD player right now? "Well, I'm currently using my computer as my CD player... and RIGHT NOW I have Mozart's Requiem. Before that it was Ella Fitzgerald, Moby's 'Play', and some Gregorian chant."

Well, you certainly have... uh, eclectic tastes! "That's a tactful way of calling me a nerd, isn't it?"

Well, yes... So, who are your favorite, uh, historical characters? "Sir Thomas More, Moses, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and Peter the Apostle."

Got any favorite modern-day characters? "Well, I admire David Boies and my daddy."

Um, have you noticed that all your heros are men? "Don't even start with me."

I see... any favorite magazines? "Well, I like the Economist and the Atlantic Monthly... I sometimes indulge myself with a Marie Claire or something... I also like to read academic journals like "The American Scholar," but that's because I'm a hardcore geek."

To put it mildly. "Hey, do you want me to say 'bite me' again?"

Sorry. So, if there was one thing you could change about the modern social paradigm, what would it be? "Well, I'd let girls be fatter. I'd also allow the passive voice in writing... it's really not that big a deal, the passive voice..."

Umm... that was two things. "Oh, get off it."

What does 'paradigm' mean, anyway? "Ask my AP US History classmates, they could tell you..."

If you could have a superpower, what would it be? "Invisibility would be really neat... then I could always know what everyone was saying about me."

Um, that would be the power of omniscience, not invisibility. "Well, think about it... If I were invisible, I could just listen to any conversation anywhere, right?"

Right, but you'd have to BE right there. You'd need to drive. "Well, how good would that be, an invisible person driving a car? I could just take the train for free..."

Hm, true. So, B.A., what was your favorite high-school class? "Chemistry."

I see. Have you had your mental health checked recently? "Yes, it came back negative."

Aha. What's your favorite college class? "Watterson's seminar on the Sonnets. Phlilology, mythology, and phallic imagery."

Do you have any favorite artists? "Definitely, there's Michelangelo, Maxfield Parrish, Van Gogh, Aubrey Beardsley, Norman Rockwell and Edward Gorey... there're a lot of other artists whose works I like and recognize, but I don't remember their names."

Nice. If you weren't here, where would you be? "Somewhere else, I suppose."

No, really, what are your favorite places to go? "My room, London, downtown Palo Alto, and a few other places.

Any celebrity obsessions? "Not exactly obsessions, but I do have this thing for Michael Vartan, and for Ian Wright from LonelyPlanet on the Travel Channel."

Those guys aren't exactly celebrities... "Well, frankly, I don't really follow celebrities all that much. First of all, I don't care about their lives and problems, and secondly... well, if I really followed them, I could get arrested."

So, if you could have any job in the world, what would you want to be? "I dunno... I'd love to be a museum curator... or an archaeologist... or a scientist... or a college professor... oh dear..."

Ok, what job would you least like to have? "Umm... I don't think I'd like to be a physicist... I wouldn't want to be a politician either..."

Do you have any medical disorders? "I suffer from a pretty bad case of 'procrastinatus maximus.'"

I've never heard of 'procrastinatus maximus.' "I'll tell you about it later."

What is your conception of hell? "Being forced to sit in a snowy algebra class and watch Jerry Seinfeld do stand-up comedy."

What would you list as your greatest intellectual achievements, to date? "Umm... well, I learned to read..."

Isn't that special. Well, Barefoot Avenger, it's been great talking to you yet again. "Well, you know me, I'm just trying to get out of Organic flashcards..."