The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20.User Error: Replace user.
21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all
your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
been deleted. The police are on the way.
ACTUAL answers given by contestants on the television game show, "The Family Feud"
- Name something a blind person might use - A sword
- Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
- Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
- Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
- Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
- Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
- Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
- Name something that floats in the bath - Water
- Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
- Name something Red - My cardigan
- Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
- Name a famous royal - Mail
- A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
- Something you put on walls - Roofs
- Something in the garden that's green - Shed
- Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
- Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
- Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
- Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
- Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
- Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
- Something associated with the police - Pigs
- A sign of the zodiac - April
- Something slippery - A conman
- A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
- A food that can be brown or white - Potato
- A jacket potato topping - Jam
- A famous Scotsman - Jock
- Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
- Something with a hole in it - Window
- A non-living object with legs - Plant
- A domestic animal - Leopard
- A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
- A way of cooking fish - Cod
Back to top. Here are the top eleven comments taken from actual work performance evaluations:
- "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and
shows signs of starting to dig." - . "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
- "I would not allow this employee to breed."
- "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
- "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
- "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there." - "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
- "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
- "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
- "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."
- "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
Back to top.
Science Jokes!!
Q: Why did Albert Einstein cross the street?
A: To get away from Niels Bohr. But when he got to the other side Bohr was there also!Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?
A: The 'wave'.Q: Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium?
A: He couldn't put it down!Q: A brown bear and a white bear fall into the ocean. Which dissolves faster?
A: The white bear, because it's polar!Q: How is barium disodium rich in potassium?
A: It's a Ba-Na-Na!Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the other... uh...Q: What is the name of this organic molecule: bunny-o-bunny ?
A: The Ether Bunny!Q: What can you make with an Avogadro?
A: Guaca-MOLE!Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens will have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around allover the place, anyway?"
BILL CLINTON: I did NOT have a relationship with that chicken...
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time,whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken was following its individualistic impulses... we can all learn a great lesson from this chicken.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?And now, our very own TKA teachers!
MR. ATWELL: How do you interpret this act of the chicken crossing the road? Well, you're wrong...
SRA. COULTER: Si, el pollo!
MR. CROSSLAND: GAR! The chicken! It's amazing!!
MRS. DRIESEN: Would that be 'der' chicken or 'das' chicken?
MR. FLOSI: I'm taller than that chicken!
MR. HANSEN: Have I ever told you my exploding chicken story?
MRS. CABOT: I hope it was a Christian chicken!
MR. HAUGEN: You can't vote for that chicken!
MR. HAYASHI: Um, the angle of the chicken crossing the road as compared to the plane of the road...
MRS. HEENK: I have a chicken that needs tutoring...
MRS. LAUTERBACH: I have just one word for you... 'chicken!'
MR. MAEMONE: Chicken is good for you, it's got all that protein...
MRS. MATICHUK: The chicken was crossing the border into Canada!!
MRS. MILLER: God loves ALL the chickens!!
MR. MITCHELL: The chicken crossing the road is a symbol!
MRS. MORALES: Aye, chicken, carumba!
MR. QUINN: Uh... I didn't major in chickens...
DR. ROSE': You won't be eating chicken anymore once I tell you what they feed it... bwa ha haaaa!
MR. SPATES: If I were a chicken...
MR. WAGNER: How do you think the chicken crossed the road?And NOW, our very own Bowdoin professors!
PROF. MCMAHON: Yes! YES! It was the CHICKEN! a-STON-ishing!
PROF. CORISH: What IS... a chicken?
PROF. HERRMAN: I don't actually expect you to understand WHY the chicken was crossing the road, because that IS quite difficult... not that I don't think you all couldn't handle it, you're doing great, just great...
PROF. LINTON: Um. [long pause] I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I think it depends on how you're feeling about further studying the chicken. It's up to you.
PROF. BROENE: Now, Beth, correct me if I'm wrong, but the chicken crosses the road by means of this hybrid orbital...
PROF. STEMMLER: Now I'm sure Rick will correct me if I'm wrong, but if we vaporize this chicken and observe the rate of movement through the MALDI...
PROF. NAGLE: Well, you don't actually need to KNOW why the chicken crossed the road at this class level, you'll learn that later. Just know that chickens crossing roads is a very complicated thing.
PROF. KAPLAN: Now, if you find wing bones, leg bones, head bones, and a big KFC container on the side of an ancient road, what do you think that might mean? A what? Maybe a bird of some kind, yes...
PROF. WATTERSON: The chicken is actually a symbol of frustrated sexual desire...Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
- Oh no! Where's my Rolex?
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again.
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Dang! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers
- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
- If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
- If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
- This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
- Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
- Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
- If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
- If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
- Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
- Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
- Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
Top 19 Ways To Annoy Other People...
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150%, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- In the memo field of all of your checks, write, "for sensual massage".
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think".
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy".
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way".
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
- Ask people what gender they are.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
- Send this list to everyone in your e-mail address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.
You Know You're In College When...
- Quarters are like gold.
- Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
- Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for a while.)
- Showers become less important.
- Sleep becomes more important.
- Two meals a day are standard. But anytime is snack time!!
- Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").
- 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class
- Going to the mailbox is an ego booster/breaker.
- It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, alcohol...
- You begin to nap again.
- Squirt guns=stress relief.
- E-mail becomes your second language.
- Ten-page papers are now a godsend.
- You feel like everyone is smarter than you.
- You feel like everyone is dumber than you.
- Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.
- Plain pasta constiutes a complete meal.
- Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
- Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
- Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
- Any game can be made into a drinking game.
- Disney movies are more than just classics.
- Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
- You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
- Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance.
- You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.
- You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).
- Procrastination becomes an art. (Dudes, not that it wasn't before!)
- Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.
- The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
- You are NEVER alone.
- You amaze yourself at how you can stay awake for hours on end doing nothing in particular, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
- You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
- All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
- Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.
- You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
Go Home
- "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and