it's almost two pm, and i haven't gotten out of bed yet. I've been reading. i
lay the book to my side and stare at the corner of the room. judging the
drywall and the paint. Fall has snuck in, and the stagnent chill brings
memories of the season. I close my eyes and dream of cutting turkey, the
smell of the steam, my mothers cooking. I recall what it means to be happy.
The dull pang of excitement that preludes the holiday season. These memories
bring her. sitting next to me at the table. only for a moment,
then, I force her to vanish. The empty pain falls over me gentle, like easy snow, like slowly freezing.
she won't be there this year. she'll be with her new
husband, smiling at him, laughing at his families table. it's been to
long to be angry. i've let her go, i guess. i no longer want her back. No,
it's nothing like that. I loved her. She was my past. but to her, i am
nothing. i no longer exist to her. i am a shadow. that is what hurt, i mean
nothing to her, as if i never did. suddenly the joy of family leaves me. she
has robbed me of that. love means nothing to me any longer. i never want
to be in love again. i want to forget.

i slide from bed and make my way to the bathroom. i place my hands at opposite
ends of the sink and glare ant my own face. my eyes are sunken, red, it's
obvious i've been crying. My skin is yellow, and i feel the color. I step to
the toilet, grasp my half erect penis and wait, in cold silence, for the
piss. i wonder unbalanced into the kitchen, through my filthy apartment, sit
in my chair, and begin to write... again.