Entry #28 - September 15th, 2002 - 9:55pm

Archangel Merc,
How funny it is I find myself writing to you again. I haven't heard from my master in a while, but I feel a sense of his world touching this one, so maybe, if I'm lucky he'll drop me a few words while he's in town. I saw one of the funniest things today, well, it's not really funny, I think it's somewhat disturbing, but a very human thing. I saw this movie that was suggested to me, called "The Prophecy" and believe it or not this movie actually depicts Gabriel as being an evil Angel while Lucy takes a strole amongst mankind giving them suggestions on why to stop the "evil" Gabriel. I truley thought this to be an ironic movie. Perhaps this is why Tony thought himself to be an Angel cast out of heaven. Anyway, I'm very bored here. I get more and more angry every day and I don't know what to do about it. Nathaniel Riach has been on my mind a lot and I'm not sure why. I just keep dreaming of him, I fear for him, I don't think he's safe. Maybe it's just just my need for bloodshed that I'm being paranoid about the other Demons. Speaking of which, things here in good ol' Washington State have just gone to shit. The ties I have had with so many people are dissolving, but it's very much okay, a little change never killed anyone, heh heh. I just find my pathetic little world growing smaller and smaller each day, and because of that fact, my want for death grows. But a lot of this must be uninteresting to the regular readers of this, even though I address it to you Merc. I suppose I will write a little about what makes sense.
Cori, if you don't already know is dating Fred. Now, even though I have mentioned Fred before, a lot of what I say is a lie anyway. I stood and took his insult in front of everyone last weekend. A couple of us were sitting nicely on the couches at the zone watching some lame movie but mostly making fun of each other. This, was okay, to a point. What makes me so angry now and what should have been him laying on the floor in his own blood ended up just being me laughing and joking. Fred, he actually had the nerve to say that he and I kissed when we were going out years ago. He lies. And how would I know you might ask? Simple, I jokingly said that I must have been high because I didn't remember it, and he said I was. Funny, how I was never stoned once in school that year. I have this overwhelming desire to rip out his heart. Not only must he think it is okay for him to cheat on me, but then he lies about things we did. The whole world knows I only ever kissed two people, and that was Ryan & Calypso. I know this shouldn't mean a damn thing to me, but it does. It annoys me a lot, I should've decked him right there. It just seems I grow more and more annoyed with people every day.
On another happy little note, if I have to hear about Jared one more time, I swear I'm going to hunt him down where ever he might be and just kill him right then and there. I'm in such a hostile mood tonight and I don't know why.
I don't think this hostile mood of mine has just been tonight either, I've felt this way for over a week now, and it can't just be because I've returned to school, at least I don't think so. So you may wonder how it is that in this hell of a time that things are between me and Calypso? Well to say the least, they are the same, they haven't gotten any better, or any worse, and that's because I don't see him much. I sort of let out on him last night about Philicia. It sort of put an end to a lot of things, mainly I feel better about sharing my hatred of her with someone else and not getting all this bitch ass attitude back. Things are pretty much okay, I've really being trying not to let my hatred for this world seep it's way onto him. He doesn't deserve it.
I will get into that more later. For those of you who have talked to me lately, this last thing I have for you will make more sense then anything I could have said ouright.
Tarot Reading for September 15th - 12:59am
Topic - IX of Swords Reversed
Confusion and poor decision-making are in the air.
Your step falters and progress is delayed.
A good time for second thoughts.
Past - Page of Cups
Don't get upset if things are going as you hoped.
Be open to alernatives and prepare for a change of plans.
Think before reacting, beware of childish behavior.
Present - Justice - Major Arcana - Inverted
Tell the truth or get ready tosuffer the consequences.
Your friends are wishy-washy now.
Do your part to say what's real, waht's right, and what you feel.
Let go of the past and resolve to turn over a new leaf.
Future - III of Swords
You misinterpret another intentions.
Tis could be a time of regret or seperation,
so keep your chin up and look for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Don't let nervousness or worry cloud clear thinking and action.

I miss you very much Merc and I hope that where ever your soul lies, it is not trapped but free and happy my Archangel of Love.
-Nikita

Entry #27 - September 7th, 2002 - 1:26pm

Hello again. I have returned from my week of hell. Dad is home and out of surgery and now I have to babysit him constantly, it gets very annoying after the first 5 minutes. I started school again, they changed the schedule all weird like so I don't get to see hardly anyone until after school, and that's only sometimes. I have somewhat boring classes this trimester, I hope it gets better next time around. I have PE class, which actually turned out to be not so bad. We don't do much in the way of strenuous physical activity so it looks like I'll be able to stay in the class afterall. Art class will be fun this year, I'm going to finish up two acrylics and then maybe do a pencil of Antonette. I also want to do some weird abstract art with just pen. I have a little bit of homework this weekend, but not a lot.
Some weird things have happened lately too. Last night, of all people, Jessica started talking to me again for the second time in the last week or so. It's actually quite annoying. I mean, I don't mind talking to her, it's just, you'd think she wouldn't after me telling her to go away so many times. The same with Philicia, she's been talking to me too, but that's probably just because she's bored being stuck in a hospital and everything. Speaking of which, John wont leave me alone about Philicia, he really needs to get off my case. He has to preach to everyone in the whole school, including teachers to feel bad for her and to send her shit and stuff. Which, for one thing, is really weird for John to be doing in the first place. He wont leave me alone, he keeps trying to get me to send her a card. I mean, c'mon, there's no way I'm going to be hypocritical. I hate you Philicia, oh but by the way, here's a card for you cause it must really suck falling off a mountain. Sure, it does suck, and I wouldn't wish it on just anyone. Maybe Billy. But, in all honesty, I could care less if it hurts and I'm tired of jumping through hoops to please people. I'm entitled to my opinion and if you don't like it, tough. I'm allowed to dislike people, in fact, it's in my nature. No one realizes that, unless I say otherwise, I probably don't like you. It's just getting annoying, I'm so tired of people telling me what I can and cannot think and then judging me on it. If you don't like it, fine, don't like it. I'll make it simple, I don't like Jessica, I don't like Philicia, and I despise Billy. These are the people I really DON'T like, now for the ones I do, Nichole, Calypso, Jamie, and Cori, Everyone else just kind of lays in between, though people like little Ryan, John, and Jay lie closer to being liked then disliked. I hope that makes it easier for everyone. I didn't want to calassify anyone, but you've given me no choice. I will, however, continue to treat each person as I see fit without compromising my own personality. I'm gonna be who I am, as I have always been, so quit persuading me to do otherwise! There... I feel better, I'll probably write more later today or tonight.

Entry #26 - August 29th, 2002 - 3:52pm

Unfortunatley I have to write this early in the day and very quickly. I will be leaving here very soon and I shall not return until late tomorrow afternoon. I do not know much of what to say except I'm not getting much support for my website or better yet, even those who read this, not very many. =( I'm so very saddened. I guess it does not matter in the long run I just thought after all the work I put into it everyone would look at it. Bummer I guess... Bye for now.

Entry #25 - August 28th, 2002 - 10:44pm

It is now Wednesday, half way through my horrible week. Today I spent in Seattle with my mother and father for a surgery seminar for my father. It was a really boring 3 hours, we didn't learn anymore then we already knew. My father is being a really big baby about everything too, I just don't understand him. Yes there is a possability he might die but it's not like he's having bi-pass surgery where his heart has to be stopped for hours or something.
Yesterday I took two of Calypso' kittens to the place of adoption, they will have no troubles finding homes, they ar perfect cute little kittens. Yesterday was also picture day, what a dissapointment. Antonette (Buttons) refused to sit still for any of the pictures so I doubt if we got any good ones with her and I together. I will be really sad because she is my best friend and I really wanted her to be apart of my photographs.
Calypso did attend Ozzfest these past two days, so that's why I couldn't find him. He didn't go with Philicia and he said he only saw her once during a concert. I trust he didn't do anything. Mum says I have to trust him and that's what I'm trying to do. I don't think he did anything, he and I have come too far. If he didn't do anything that my trust for him grows, maybe back to normal with the stupid things that happened last week that set me back. Calypso and I have been "officially" together for almost six months, which means, he is officially the longest partner I've had. So he wins.
Yesterday, I also broke down. When I got back from having my pictures taken I dropped and cried. I didn't cry for very long because I was interupted so I did not get erase all the pain I feel inside of me. My depression still lingers on my heart and I just want to break down again to get rid of it all. I just have too much stuff on my brain plate. I don't share this pain with anyone but here. Cori knows what I feel but not why. I don't even think I know why. I just wish that either it stopped of my life just slipped from me. I know that is an aweful thing to say but I just get tired of these down spells, they're rediculous. I have dreamt nice things lately but I've been pretty much hating anything else but those dreams. And my battles goes on...

Entry #24 - August 26th, 2002 - 11:43am

Well, it is Monday which means tomorrow is picture day. Bad news for me I guess. I picked out two outfits and I'm going to be getting my cat together tomorrow. I don't know what to say. Calypso and I talked things out so I feel a lot better then I did, but I'm still really down and I don't know why. I'm not looking too forward to this last week of freedom. Anyway, Ozzfest is tomorrow so I don't know where Calypso is, I'm sure he's probably out of town but I don't know. I'll leave now...
White Reflection - Endless Waltz
I feel your love reflection
A far away, never ending story is painted in your eyes as you gaze back at me
The wings you gave me, I spread open in my heart;
Their fluttering seems to shake off the sadness and pain.
Aa, I want to feel the pain of the pulsing of irreplacable love
I feel your love reflection.
Pile up the dreams thickly
Young ones who desire each other, fearless of mistakes.
I feel your love reflection
A far away, never ending story is painted in your eyes as you gaze back at me.
I want to softly communicate to your bare skin
the feelings that are spilling over
As if hugging close the strength to become gentle
Aa I want to nobly, lithely, overcome this unstable age (these unstable days).
I feel your love reflection
The truth of our acceptance of each other
Kiss me, and there is nothing else I need!!
I feel your love reflection
Believe in the passion that will not give up
Our piercing-through "never ending story."
I feel your love reflection
pile up the dreams thickly
Young ones who desire each other, fearless of mistakes
I feel your love reflection
A far away, never ending story is painted in your eyes as you gaze back at me

Entry #23 - August 25th, 2002 - 12:29am

Ok, so it's been around 5 hours since I last wrote and I've been able to do a lot of thinking. Actually, I've been able to play a lot of Mario Kart. Calypso isn't online yet and maybe he wont come online at all. I guess it really makes no difference. I honestly believe that my mind is trying to trick me into thinking he is bad. I wont let that happen. Yesterday, I got to spend a few hours with the person I love and I should be happy. Yeah, some things happened that I could seriously have gotten in trouble for but it looks like I'm not going to get in trouble for them afterall. But then again, it's only Saturday, if I can get to Tuesday without getting in trouble then things will be good. As for what happened and how I feel about Calypso, well, a lot of different things happened yesterday and I felt a lot of new feelings, and I think that's why I'm confused. He gave me this really weird look, like a look I haven't seen before. It wasn't just me either, I pointed it out to him and he just said he was admiring me, but I haven't had him look at me that way before and it's just something I wish I could decifer. It's probably nothing I should worry about, but I am worrying nevertheless. The whole situation just made me nervous I guess. I don't know why it did, I guess maybe cause it's been such a long time since I've been with him that it just felt weird. See, that's one of my fears, is being away from him too long, it's like my improvement of getting of the fear of being touched goes backwards or something. I wish I could explain that to him because I know he doesn't understand, and he shouldn't HAVE to understand. I don't think I know what I want to say, I wish I would have written all of my feelings ABOUT yesterday yesterday. I wish he was here and then there's a part of me that is glad he isn't. I don't want to act stupid around him. I know he says he misses me, I just don't know anymore. I don't want to bore him. I just wish he would hold me and tell me things, reassure me, since I am such a coward. I'm sorry that all of you have to hear about this, I'm sure if I mention the name Calypso one more time you're all going to puke, but I want you all to remember that I have no life and that the two people I usually involve myself with are the only two I have really strong feelings for. I only have a few things to think about. I just wish I couldn't think. I've just never felt this need to cease existing in a long time, and I hate it. I just want to "poof" be gone. I just want to end the pain I feel inside because I'm such a child. I just want to dissapear and erase myself from his mind. I've just been so stupid I hate myself right now. So very very stupid. How can I love him and then be an idiot about everything that has to do with him? I can't explain to him how fragile I am and that for some stupid reason yesterday has just, at the moment, made me afraid of him. I hate it all! I just want to run away with him and disover everything that there is to discover about him because I have obviously failed. The arching pain that peirces my heart could forever enslave my soul into depression. I love you Calypso, and Nichole, but I just hate myself right now.

Entry #22 - August 24th, 2002 - 7:41pm

Today is Saturday. I do not want it to be Saturday. I want it to be Monday of last week! I have too much to do. Tuesday I'm getting my senior pictures done with my cat, Antonette (Buttons). Tuesday night, possibly Wednesday morning I'm taking Calypso's kittens to a place of adoption. Wednesday I'm going into Seattle to meet with my father's doctors about his surgery on Friday. It's an all day event unfortunatley. On Thursday I have to go get everything squared away for school. Thursday night it's BACK into Seattle to spend the night for Friday morning when my dad goes in for surgery. Then, the following week, it's back to school, geez how exciting! I just can't wait! *end sarcasm* Anyway, I've been pretty bummed about things. It's all just so stupid. I don't even know what to say. I guess I'll just say a little bit about the people I've talked to lately.
This week I got to hang out with my bestfriend Nichole. She has a job now, which I'm jealous of. We played some Mario Kart, then she invited me to her house for some of her b-day cake. It was really good. I liked hanging out with her like that, it really meant a lot to me since we don't do anything anymore. I gave her her b-day present. A stuffed cow and license plate holder with a fake license plate named "Cyrus" that I made while I was in sno-isle. It was just cool.
I went to Cori's house for the first time this week. We were uh, trying to get her "computer" to work. Yeah, that's it. Anyway she has a cool cat, a crazy weird little brother and an insane dog. She's going out with Fred now. Which, despite my better judgement of him, is actually in my eyes a pretty good thing. Fred wont hurt her "physically" which is good, and I think she's smart enough to not let him get to her if he hurts her "mentally". Anyway, we'll just see.
Talked with Philicia a little bit today, I know, I know I'm going against what I said, but she had her birthday party this past Friday and I just wanted to see if she enjoyed herself, cause I know I pretty much hated all my birthday parties. I'll be good I swear. That's all I wanted to know, I'll leave her alone.
I was supposed to go to Nathan's 18th birthday party today but because of what happened yesterday, I just got so sick from walking on eggshells that physically my body could barely handle anything today. I feel really bad, so I might just get him a present or something, maybe seek Billy's advice and give it to Nathan, cause I really did want to go, but I didn't feel good and Calypso was going to be there which just made me nervous.
I hung out at Calypso's house yesterday which was fun, but nevertheless some things happened that I just don't feel very good about. I was stupidly nervous, and I don't know, it just didn't feel like I was really with him, which makes me feel even worse. I know my mind is trying to trick me, I'm just not sure if I want to talk to him for a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I loved being with him, I just felt stupid, like I was just doing something stupid teenage girls think they're supposed to do, so to myself, I'm feeling a little cheated. I think I need to work some things out, I felt shallow and stupid. I don't know, maybe if I do talk to him I will feel better about things. It's just, he thinks nothing is really a big deal, and it is. I don't know. I just don't know. Maybe I'm cheating him out of things, who knows. He's going to ozzfest next week and he knows I have a problem with it. It's not that I don't want him to go, I just don't nevessarily like the people he's going with. *sighs* I'm feeling ill again so I will just go.

Entry #21 - August 11th, 2002 - 10:48pm

I am nothing...

Entry #20 - August 17th, 2002 - 9:39pm

I know that it has been a while since I last wrote, but I've been doing a lot of thinking and frankley, a lot of things as well that have kept my brain from having the energy to write. I have rested minimal amounts today but I decide to write despite the fact. There isn't much to say, I haven't done much. The most exciting thing that has happened in the last 3 weeks was going to a Renaissance Faire on the 3rd of this month. I wore a black dress and gladly accompanied the arm of my beloved. A group of us went, Rebecca, Danielle, Kyna, Calypso and myself. We went with Rebecca's family and spent the day looking at swords, other medieval supplies. We also watched a jousting tournament which for the most part was nice except for the fact I'm frightenend by horses, and these horses has no intention of galloping nicely across the field. I had my beloved Calypso with me however which made a lot of things easier. It was strange, this faire. I felt so right at home being there, I didn't have a care in the world. I could've lived in those moments, in the arms of my love, and in the presence of the past. I don't understand why I was so comfortable that day, I just do not know.
I've been doing a lot of questioning with myself and its odd. I guess I've been really working hard on my relationship with Calypso, I know, that sounds really weird, I've never actually cared about any of my relationships and here I am actually asking my beloved of his wishes. Now, I'm not saying that I'm like sleeping with him or anything, but I'm actually finding myself concerned with what he wants. That makes me sound aweful but in all my other relationships I was just too scared to ask my boyfriend at the time what they wanted cause I was afraid of thier response, like I don't know what it would have been. Anyways, things are going very well, much better then I had anticipated with Calypso. We're getting better about being so shy around each other but its patience and the goal that both of us are willing to fight for. (Insert Note: Thank you Nichole for pushing me, you too Cori.) Calypso makes me very happy.
I went to the zone last night. That was actually kind of interesting. Calypso, Keith, Mikkah, Nichole and I did a lot of talking about crap that no one cared about, but it was all funny nevertheless. Keith, is well, I know I've not said much, he is a high school graduate. He's a very strange I'll say that, but he's cool. Then, well, there's Micah. I don't even know where to start with him, he's complex, but he's not. He has never been really mean to me, he likes to attack the things I like, but he's never attacked me personally. I don't mind hanging around him. I have an odd unspoken respect for him. Calypso and Nichole you already know of. Nichole was my ride for the night and even though I was having a good time I wanted to leave a little earlier. My beloved Jamie has not been, to say the least, the thing I want to see the most right now. Jamie sort of well, as he always has, has this things for me but he knows I'm with Calypso, it's just I love Jamie too and he's not making things the easiest in my head for me. But I know where my loyalties lie, and so does Calypso.
Anyway, no one reads this so it doesn't MATTER. So I'll just go now, goodnight.

Entry #19 - July 28th, 2002 - 10:22pm

Well today was fairly uneventful as usual. I tried staying up until 4:30am last night to watch the German Gran Prix but I gave up an hour before. I apparently missed a good race but I got to watch a re-run of it later in the day. Montoya kicked little Raikkonen's tail as well as that little punk deserved it. But of course Michael Schumacher took 1st place as expected for his wonderful home country German fans and of course for me. =) Montoya followed second, Ralph Schumacher third, and lovelly Barichello fourth. ^_^ My four favorite Formula 1 Racers and my two favorite teams taking the wins today. Everything else has been pretty boring, oh well. I guess you want to know how my little trip went? It went fine, I got to spend some down time, ALONE, which was nice. My brother is finally going back to work so he wont bother me anymore during the day and I can have the house to myself once more. Don't know what I'm going to do this week. Bye for now.

Entry #18 - July 19th, 2002 - 10:49pm

I know that I have already written an entry less then an hour ago but I have an overwhelming urge to release some of my past into words. I know that this is the stupidest topic I could possibly pick to write about tonight, but since I was on the topic of my beloved Calypso earlier and a disturbing reminder letter I've decided to write about my past boyfriends. Exciting, isn't it?

But before I ever even start, I would like to remind the WORLD, that I have only ever been in love, two times. DO YOU HEAR THAT EVERYONE??? I HAVE ONLY EVER LOVED TWO PEOPLE! EVER!!!!!! For all of you other people who think I told you that I loved you or you think maybe that I did love you, you are mistaken, you are very, very, very mistaken and I don't give a shit what you think, I have only ever loved two people and I don't want to hear ANY arguing about it. Good, now that that is settled, I will continue my rampage of purging the past.

Lets start with the first time I ever really liked someone. His name was Dan, but I called him Fellows. This was in middle school but I think it was the first time I had ever felt... well... some sort of compansion for a male person. Now, for those of you who attended middle school with me, yes, I will admit, I couldn't have been anymore of a jerk to Fellows. I mean, c'mon, I threw just about every object in the class room at him, chased him around when he'd say something perverted, got into numerous fights, and yes, even cried when he'd make me so mad. He has got to be the most persistant person on earth, he has just got to be. Even through all the ranting and raving that I pulled on him, he just thought I was really cute when I was mad. ~_~ I hated that so much. Now I know that doesn't make much sense, but you have to remember I completely swore off guys for the rest of my life and here was this, sick, horny, blonde, blue-eyed little bastard actually making me feel something I hadn't before. So you'll have to excuse me for being a little angry with him. It wasn't until he left that I realized just how much I needed him in my life, if for nothing else, to have someone who gave me a little attention. He was pretty cute though. Anyways, that was the first time I'd hold feelings in about someone until it was too late. I missed him so much it made me sick, those of you who were there, you remember just how sick I got. Well, lets just say that even though he was never officially my boyfriend, I will always consider him my first boyfriend.
Highschool came along and of course came the curiosity of guys. My first boyfriend in highschool was a maniac boy named Fred. Yeah, you're thinkin' what I'm thinkin', what kind of a name is Fred? Anyway Fred asked me out during Christmas break my freshman year. Not to his knowledge, but I knew he was going to ask me out, my friend Tara at the time ratted him out. This of course frightenend me, I was a little reluctant to have a boyfriend especially with my undying though rediculous loyalty to Fellows. But of course when Fred asked me out I naturally said yes, I never knew anyone in my group of friends besides perhaps Nichole that would've turned Fred down at the time. Fred, I would have to say, was probably the most respectful boyfriend up until now. Fred never did anything that I didn't feel comfortable with. He never kissed me because he and I talked about just how scared I was, he'd never pressure me into doing anything. Fred was very lied back. Come Feburary I found out Fred had been cheating on me with another girl. To be honest, I put on a front that I was furious, but to be honest, I really wasn't. It was almost a relief not to have a boyfriend, because even though Fred was ever so respectful I was always nervous about everything. I think the part that hurt about Fred's disloyalty was the fact that he didn't just tell me himself. That's why, (this is to you J-Bird) I refuse to give Fred a second chance.
Ooooo...my next boyfriend, I really have to think, but I do believe it was Chris. Oh yes, Chris. Geez, that was the saddest thing on Earth. Chris was just adorable, he was this crazy person with a great attitude. It took him so long to ask me out, you don't even know, I even had to help convince him to ask me out. He finally asked me out at the skating-rink and of course I told him yes. What was so hard was that for the next week Chris never ONCE spoke to me. Not only did he not speak to me, he wouldn't even come near me! And of course me, for the whole week I thought I had done something absolutley terrible! So after the week of total non-communication I decided to break up with Chris in hopes it would've made him happy. (And Billy, get over it, you weren't special enough for me to dump Chris) I came to find out that Chris was just so unbaringly shy that he couldn't speak to me or even come near me. Then of course Chris tries to lay this huge guilt trip on me using all his friends to tell me just how much he was hurting. Unfortunatley for Chris he has to like just about every girl he meets and swears he loves them but to be honest, Chris has never known, and probably will never know what love is.
Alright, I mentioned his name even though he was never my boyfriend so I might as well talk about him. Yes, his name is Billy...*shudders* better known to you as Locke. Now, don't you people even start in on me, I'm only human, we all make mistakes. I met Locke through Philicia I believe, it might have been Jaaron but I can't remember. Locke has got to be the biggest womanizer on the face of the planet and I had one of the biggest crushes on him. Geez, taking advantage of a poor freshman girl with mixed up emotions, I'm tellin' you aint no punishment in hell gonna repay him as good as I'm going to. But, I will be honest, Locke was, well, some of the times, the only things worth living for in my life. He would make me feel important all though, we all know the truth, every day he would spit in my face with one girl or another. I was never good enough for him. It was like no matter what I did I was never going to be good enough for him. He made me feel like shit. But then again, like I said, sometimes he'd make me feel important. Only now can I say for sure that I never loved him. But he's the only person I've told I loved in person. And at the time, I did love him, but I wasn't in love with him. There is a difference I just don't know how to put it in words. Anyway, he caused the most pain in my life to date, and he will pay for it.
Now, on to other, more importa-, well, not important things, just other boyfriend stories. I'm trying to remember who else I went out with freshman year. Well, I can't remember if it was freshman year or sophomore year, but I'm asuming it was freshman year when I went out with Ryan Cole for the first time. That was the shortest relatoinship I ever had, yes, even shorter then Chris's. My relationship as far as being his "girlfriend" only lasted five days, no thanks to his stuupidity. I mean, c'mon, I know that I'm a pretty stupid person, but do I really look that shallow as to believe someone who tells me, over the phone I might add that he loves me after being my boyfriend for five days? Give me a break, there is no way on this planet that someone would ever fall in love with me in five days, I don't make it that easy. Geez. Anyway, he made me really nervous, he was this football player guy, right, yeah, me going out with some football player dude. His mer presence made me feel like I was going to have to bend over backwards for him just to keep him my boyfriend. Or, I should say in this case, bend over forward. He really made it seem like I was going to have to sleep with him to please him, but we all know I wasn't going to do that. Now, I'm not trying to be a bitch, he was, for the most part, a really nice guy. He was pretty respectful. He was, however, and still is the most emotionally screwed up person I know. And I'm saying that honestly you guys, (try as you might Chris, you're not that screwed up.) Ryan was really, really messed up. I don't know, I guess I thought I could relate, but that wasn't going to happen either. He was, however, the honorable person of capturing the first kiss I'd give. Bwahahaha. I never felt so drunk. Yes I know, you're thinking how in the world could I kiss someone who lied to me? Well, I don't even remember when it was that I did kiss him, but I do remember the next day he told me he had a girlfriend. Oh my gosh, how assinine can you get? I was willing to kiss him, let him be my first kiss and he lets me do it knowing in the back of his mind that he's got a girlfriend. Now I don't know about you guys, but that made me feel like the worst peice of shit on earth. It was obvious of no importance to him. Anyway, Ryan is a long story, but to make a long story really short, I went out with him once, got rid of him because he told me he loved me when he didn't know what "I love you" meant. Went out with him a second time, which he now knows was for sport, trying to give him some air to breathe by the two girls choaking him nearly to death. That would be Cori and Jessica. Anyway, I obviously didn't free him long enough from them for him to make a smart choice, I mean c'mon, he chose Jessica. I'm not even going there. Anyways, Ryan is someone who too will never know what love is, because even with Jessica he swears he's in love with her after going out with her for two weeks, maybe he knows what it is now (year and a half or so later), but I doubt it, but he knows what a slut will do for you. (No offence Ryan, I'm entitled to my opinion of the woman.) Ryan, in the end, is someone you'd want to have as a friend, but keep it strictley proffessional, he might think he's in love with you. LoL. I'm just messin', he's a good friend now and I predict he'll be very successful in life, and maybe he'll find true love from a woman who will treat him right, who knows.
Next up would have to be... uh... Aaron I guess. Aaron was really adorable too. And right now he still holds the record for longest boyfriend! But hopefully not for long, right Calypso? Heh heh. Aaron was just adorable with an outragous sense of humor. He was good for his time, he was kinda average, a fling thing if you will, he was fun, I wasn't overly concerned with him, or at least the outcome of our relationship. He was just a really good partner to have. He and I are friends now, my respect level of him has dropped a little bit, but hey, you know, what can I say, the world doesn't have any pure guys left, can't help it if it bugs me a little, right? Anyway, I don't know what else to say about Aaron, he's pretty cool. He was used though but a certain little missy I mentioned before, but like I said, I'm not even going there. Anyone who has gone out with Locke has issues. Anyway, yes, I suppose that is all of my boyfriends, crushed, flings, whatever you want to call them.
Of course there is Calypso, the current. Heh heh. I'm sure you're still proabaly wondering who I loved then right? I did say I loved two people. Obviously you people can figure one of them out since I've mentioned my love for him before. The other... well... I would let you guess but I don't want anyone to think they were special. The second is a guy that was not mentioned anywhere in the journal entry. In fact, he's not mentioned anywhere here I don't believe. But if you want to know by all means ask, and depending on who you are, I might actually tell you. Haha. Check you people later...

Entry #17 - July 19th, 2002, 9:56pm

This is the last time I will be writing before at least the 21st of this month. I am going away for the weekend to a place in which I can be all by myself for a few hours with nothing but me, the darkness, and the water. I hope to be writing during that period, I'm thinking about taking my book with me and reading it getting ideas on what I want to do to complete it. I might even take some things to draw with as well and perhaps put together some pictures, but that would be the last thing I would be doing. It'll also be a good time to think some things over. I have just been feeling aweful lately. My beloved Calypso is so lonely and there isn't anything I can do because I am stuck in my house not able to go much of anywhere. I feel so guitly because he should have someone who is there for him, able to support him, and who is able to have some sort of physical contact with him, but I cannot. I cannot do any of these things because I am pathetic. I just feel so bad. I don't know what to do for him. I mean, he deserves so much more then I can give him.I just don't know what to do anymore. I've never loved anyone like this and sometimes, I just don't understand.

Entry #16 - July 17th, 2002 - 10:42pm

Hello again my beloved record of thought. Again I don't know why I am writing but I am I guess because my mind is on the overflow. A lot of odd things have been happening lately. Yesterday I sort of lost myself in my past and a lot of things came back in my memory that I've been searching for. I have come closer to gaining my memory of my clan. I am leaving for the weekend so perhaps my full memory will return and I may seek out my brothers. I, of course, have been thinking a lot about Calypso lately. The guilt I have of him grows more and more each day, but I will defeat what I am faced with. He has been ever so supportive of me and I owe him more then I can give him, ever. I was confronted with a woman today that I have not heard from in such a long time. Shannon sent me a little message today. Shannon is or was Philicia's best girlfriend and one of Calypso's ex-girlfriends. She seems slightly more bitter towards the world as if her innocence was ripped from her. Perhaps it is good for her, maybe in some way she has grown up. She will be celebrating her 14th month anniversary with her current boyfriend Trent not too long from now. Seems as though Shannon has chosen her own path and knows what she wants and how she wants it, and I say good for her. Speaking of friends and best-friends, my best-friends birthday is coming up shortly and I have a present for her. I also heard from Pat Vaynard yesterday and he is doing well. I am glad for that. I have not gotten to speak with Johnathan (Kaitou) for a few days and I regret that very much because the last time we spoke I was in such a depressive mood who knows what I told him. I'm sure I wasn't very nice to him at all. I must apologize to him, he doesn't deserve that, he too has been extremely supportive of me. I've been trying so hard to show who I truly am but it just seems like every time I get close, my Demon tortures me in my sleep. I do not understand what I have done to upset him so much. On an interesting note, while I fight my so called children of my own, I had a weird sensation today that Calypso's sister was close to delivering her child. I hope all goes well for her. My brother is starting to recover from a total week of hell. He was diagnosed with Acute Bronchitis on the 8th but was given Amoxacilin which he is allergic to and had a horrific reaction to the medicine. What makes me mad is that my brother told the doctor he was allergic to the medicine before she prescribed it. He is only now starting to get significantly better. I do not know what else to say right now, I cannot form the words of the thoughts that linger in my mind. So, goodnight for now.

Entry #15 - July 5th, 2002 - 9:11pm

I do not even know why I continue to write here for there is no one to listen but myself. Here I am again doubting myself having the people in my life that I hate most laugh down at me because I am helpless to defend myself against them. The more and more I'm turning against the people I love on the inside. All the people I used to care about are quickly fading into the faces of those I detest. Of course, the few that have survived me before, are surviving again. I have no interest in so many people anymore. I have such a little interest, I wont even say who they are, they probably know by now with my lack of enthusiasm towards them. It is possible that it is because it is summer time and I am not forced to be in their presence. I've been searching for something and I think I'm getting closer to finding it but I'm not sure. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway.

Entry #14 - July 4th, 2002 - 11:09pm

Here I am again, writing to my pathetic hearts content. And I am, again, alone, like normal. I am now kittenless with an empty nest for a house and back to reality with two crazy parents and a screwed-up brother. We didn't do much for the holiday, just lit some small fireworks out in our street and threw sparklers at one another praising Taco Bell, Anime, Ichiro, and 'illegal substances' amongst other things. We are so sick of life and each other in my house that it just doesn't matter anymore. Ah, my beloved Calypso is out having fun once again with a bunch of his friends. At least he's wanted. Well, maybe if I hang around him long enough people might consider me a life worth talking to, but you never know. I was plagued with a view of a woman I did not wish to see. I dislike her so much I'm not even going to say her name, it would be against my rules, not to mention driving me further into insanity. My depressive attitude is really starting annoy me, but there isn't anything I can do right now, I'm lonely, alone, bored, exhausted from having horrible dreams like ones with Manson in them (thanks Jon), and my body can't handle the thought of food or anything else for that matter. Death would be oh so very sweet tonight, if only the demon I love so much would embrace me in his arms and kiss away the life I breathe. But even he hates me enough to watch me suffer instead. Angel Calypso, I wish I could disappear with you and be your lover in a world not as wretched as this one. Gokenah, my friend, you have questioned my hatred for this world, and I answered you. I guess now I have no choice but to do as my soul seeks. Where is my end? When will it come? Calypso, Lord of my world, with the night I leave you with only my love until we meet again.

Entry #13 - July 3rd, 2002 - 7:56pm

I return once more. I have decided to write more often since I have no use anywhere else. I'm alone again. ...Again. I hate that word. I have so many thoughts but I do not know what to do with them just yet. I think I have to pause a little bit to recollect them. I have returned, the time now is 9:10pm. My thoughts have not gained anymore direction then they had before, but I suppose it will just have to do.
I have these two kittens that I rescued several weeks ago from my neighbors yard. One male, one female. The male is a gray tabby with a really screwed up tail. He is a crazy little cat with a never ending supply of energy that allows him to crawl up people's legs and out-run them. The female has energy as well, only it is used more for eating your hair and precise hunting. She is an absolutely sweetey with a great personality similar to my beloved Buttons. We temporarily named the kittens George and Gracey. They will be leaving tomorrow for their new homes, which makes me insanely sad because I will have nothing left to take care of anymore. They love me unconditionally, these kittens, they don't ask stupid questions or live a life of pathetic drama or expect anything from me besides returned unconditional love which they have received tirelessly everyday since I first had them in my arms. I don't know what I'm going to do, I loved them so much, I want have them anymore and no one will love me as they have. And poor Calypso didn't even get the chance to see these adorable little kittens, so I took a thousand pictures for him and for myself to look at later on after they leave. Buttons's hatred for me has decreased with my unhappiness with the news the kittens are leaving. Now Buttons follows me around meowing and wanting attention more so then ever. I give it to her of course because she is the Matriarch. I don't even know why I'm talking about these cats, no one cares but me anyway. I guess it's about the only maternal instinct left in me coming out on these kittens, since I have no need nor want for human children of my own. I don't know what to feel, or what to think, I'm so tired of people questioning what I am. I'm so very tired of it. Is there no such thing as just accepting the way I am without constantly attacking the character and code in which I live? I'll never be left in peace. I guess I'm just so tired of it all. My change isn't helping either, even though I love it dearly, I'm growing weaker, giving into the things I always sworn off from birth. I'm being torn between the two world I'm always being torn between. Good and Evil. The pride in which I hold has dictated every move I've made since I was an infant and here the weaker half of me tugs to give into to such things as love for instance. But what can I say? Can I say I hate love? How is that possible? To those I do love, I apologize for they do not deserve the war that I fight to be taken place on their battlegrounds. My code forbids loving two. There can be only one. And there is only one. But how to I share the love I have for My Lord without killing myself in the process? If Noguchi were still around he'd probably have me killed for even thinking of love in the first place. That would solve just about everything. I should be ashamed of some of the things I do. And then there is the other thing. I am torn between the present and the past. I am scorned for living my past by myself and by other people. But if I don't live my past, I will have no proof of my existence. What am I to do then? I will have nothing to prove I was alive in the end. I do not understand or know what to do. Am I failing? Am I doing something wrong that I am being punished with such extremes to shred my soul into pieces? I don't think my thoughts will ever clear themselves into a picture that is easy enough to see and understand. Then again, what does it matter, there isn't anyone to listen anyway...
As for my beloved Lord Calypso, trying to put my thoughts of him into words would be insult to him. He's just too great an advisory on my spirit to describe. He is gone right now, off at a KMFDM concert, probably enjoying himself, screaming his lungs out and hopefully pouncing other people to the ground. And this is where I will wait...

Entry #12 - July 2nd, 2002 - 9:31pm

Hello again my patient pending book of thoughts. I have not been with you as often as I would have hoped, however I am nevertheless glad to be here once more in your presence. I've fallen to my old tongue if you can not tell, I think I have done this simply because my mind craves the nature it has so longingly missed. My mind has crumbled to a whisper of ash and my soul ravaged by guilt enough to tear me into pieces and reassemble me into something that not even I'm too sure of, but I have not the desire to fight it for it has been kind in allowing me to see instances, not to mention people in a new type of light all my own. Take example the haunting realization of the people I know. I can't stand them. 98% of them I cannot stand. They look so awful to me, like they have done such a wrong against my soul that the very thought detests me immensely. However, while some views of people have decreased, others have taken to new heights. This, of course, would have to be dedicated to none other then Calypso. There is such an exhausting draw to him that I've recently, and much willingly, given into. My Lord has such a gentle reasoning with me that absolutely throttles my senses into hating myself for not being better for him, or for that matter, better to him. A debt has filled my heart that I don't dare question. Other people too have tugged at my curiosity, such as Stacy, whom you've never heard mentioned but is an extraordinary violinist with a humor to die for. Her presence constantly reminds me of some of the happier and realistic sides to life. I do not understand necessarily the change that beckons at my door, but I will not fight this time, I will let it take its course and eventually let it take me to where it pleases to accompany me.
In other such news, it seems as though Philicia wont be moving after all, which now, makes no difference to me at all as my, well, "friends" like to fill my head with wonderful little thoughts that keep me happy. I wouldn't ask what that means if I were you. The drama of such people have worn me down enough to move on to a better group of people anyway, if that made such sense. I did pull a 4.0 which surprisingly, really pissed my father off. I have completed half of my course at Sno-Isle in Computer Graphic Design, which I might add, is nothing more then a waste of time due to the lack of course material which was fully covered in the first 4 days of the class. I do believe I might consider dropping the course next week if I do not find something to do, for I do not need the credit nor the long trip, or early wake-up calls for no purposeful reason.
I am suffocating in thoughts that are randomly running around in my mind, so here is where I will slip off and let your mind think on my behalf...

Entry #11 - June 20th, 2002 - 9:39pm

Well, a lot has sort of happened since the last time I wrote you. First off, today was the last day in school, I did manage, as far as I know, to pass all of my classes, possibly with flying colours, like a 4.0 which sucks for dad cause he'll owe me money. Heh heh! I'm going to be going to school for the first 3 weeks of the summer doing Computer Graphic Design. I was also accepted to attend a one week digital camp for females at Microsoft. That is...in short...the essence of mortal understanding that has happened. As for me...I am more guilty now then I was before of everything. Only a matter of time...

Song:
I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you

Everything fall apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away

I've tried like you
To do everything you ant too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you

Everything fall apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away

We're all out of time, this is how we find how it all unwinds
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
We're all out of time, this is how we find how it all unwinds
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away

In Honor of John...you know why....

Entry #10 - May 7th, 2002 - 3:47pm

Ah, another beautiful day at school. Don't I just love it!? I hate that place so much...I wish they didn't have breaks I wish we just did our work so we could go home. I felt bad because I didn't want Calypso to think that I was badgering him in a sense because I wanted to get the hell out of there. I'm sick, believe it or not and I didn't want to make him sick. Cori is still fussing over what to do with herself on the count of boys. I say fuck'em all. What good are they for? Hhhmm, unless you're some whore that finds fucking some guy pleasurable. *sighs* I'll never understand. I don't think I want to understand. Anyway, bummer Mr. Ummel wont be playing French horn in our concert, bummer! I'm playing in some African beat group as background to the "Circle of Life" bull that we have to sit through, it's a lot better then playing the string part. Ah, I have to go for now.

Entry #9 - May 2nd, 2002 - 5:45pm

*sighs* My dearest beloved little book of typed writing... I have not written to you in a while and for good reason. Not too much as happened. But I will tell you what has. First off, Calypso and his Ancient Brother have been getting along very well and been spending quite some time together. I can't explain how odd it is to stand back and look at the two of them, so content in conversation, it's just like they used to be. It's so good to see Calypso happy and it's so nice not to see some dumb fucking girl stand between the two of them. Amazingly Calypso's Ancient Brother and I have exchanged a few conversations, not very many, but they have made me realize just how much Philicia was wrong about him. Her stupidity gave up probably something good. Locke's changed a lot since I last talked, he actually seems to appreciate things people do for him. He's got a job, and still going to school. Calypso wishes to do high school completion through our local community college, which is great because at least he's willing to go to school to graduate, though it wont be through this ridiculous high school.
I have, personally speaking, not spent as much time with Calypso only because I'm planning and growing on the inside. I have a present for him that he doesn't know about yet!
....I just love him so much....I'm trying not to screw this one up. He's worth fighting for, even if I have to fight myself. Calypso, if you read this, I love you very much and I AM going to fight for you....
On another note, a good one I might add, Philicia is MOVING. That's right...she's leaving, and though not soon enough, patience is a virtue. A lot of people have been telling me that she's been trying to get all buddy buddy with them. I told Calypso that I just don't understand what happened to her, she turned on all her closest for no apparent reason. Maybe she doesn't want to move so much that she can't stand the pain of loosing her friends so she abandoned them before hand to make it less painful. I've done that once or twice, so I can see where she's coming from. I just can't explain it. But no matter.
At school we've been working on trying to prepare our orchestra for our upcoming concert with the Firebird suit! Oh man is that song so ever cool. Some people in the orchestra (like Jaaron) don't act like they love orchestra very much, but I've become so unashamed of the fact I'm in orchestra, I love my instrument so very much. It has been good to me. I asked Mr. Ummel to play French horn for us and he said he was interested, so I hope he and Mr. Pulliam (orchestra teacher) talk it over so Ummel can play! That would be so cool. I've got so much respect for Ummel. He's one heck of a good writing teacher!
Anyway, that's all I'm going to type right

Entry #8 - April 15th, 2002 - 8:27pm

Today was the first day back at school after spring break. I was amazingly awake but I know I probably wont be tomorrow. Typically, nothing really happened except the usual dramatization that I'll never get used to having around. My focuses have been slipping a little, especially after today. I have to cease writing....

now because my hands are freezing! Much to love to Nichole and Calypso. Sleep well my friends!

Entry #7 - April 14th, 2002 - 9:56pm

Hello. Today is the last day of spring break, and I am unhappy that I have to get up tomorrow. I didn't do anything today except get my stuff together for tomorrow. I got to be with Calypso for a little bit last night, and of course I loved every minute of it. So disappointed in myself that I could not speak, so I wrote to him instead. I hope he understood all of it, who knows. The only good part about starting school tomorrow is the fact that I will have less influence on myself when it comes to my thoughts. And it will be nice to get out of my house for a change. I have no other insights, my mind is too tired...

Entry #6 - April 12th, 2002 - 9:04pm

I didn't do much today. When I woke up I felt like I hadn't slept in days. But body screamed at me every time I thought of movement. When I finally got up, I took mum to work so I could steal her car for the day. I did my chores and then split to go and see Calypso. It was good to see him. He looked well, though desperate to do something. I wasn't much of any help as I was so bored myself that anything I thought up faded away. I met J's (Girl) Jason today. He didn't look like he was in his 20's, but Calypso said he was. He seemed very nice and now I know why J likes him so much. The other guy I don't remember much of, including his name.
I kidnapped Calypso after his friends left and took him to my house so he could see all the work I did. It was just a thought to do something. We didn't get to talk much, but I guess that's alright. There's a lot of things I guess I need to say, but I don't want him to think it's all dumb and stupid, or think me too emotional. I don't know what to do... He's been pretty down and I want to cheer him up. I don't know how to do that either. I guess time will tell...

Entry #5 - April 12th, 2002 - 1:01am

I wait here. I've done nothing but wait here. I am alone. I am not lonely, but I am alone. I speak only with two others right now, and that is you, and my beloved Calypso. I have, lied to him. I love him so much, but I have lied to him. He has not asked me any question that I have given a dishonest answer to. He has not looked upon me for me to lie to him. I just, have not spoken openly with him.
But then again, you don't even know who Calypso, or anyone else is. So I will start there. Calypso, is my love, my partner in crime, my angel of conscience, like he has been to so many others. The one I refer to as Locke, is Calypso's, what I call, Ancient Brother. The two of them are no longer on the greatest of terms. I have had run-ins with Locke in the past that I wish not to get into at the moment. Nichole, or Delekia, is my best friend, she is my pride and joy so to speak and I would lie down my life for her. John, is another one of my good friends, and though he may not see it, I watch over him from afar. Then there is Jamie, my second love. He is, and will probably remain, the only person to have ever confronted the same things I have and survived. There is Cori, the vicious blonde from heavens knows where. Though I did not like her at first, she is, at many times, my anchor to the female end of the world. The only other person I might mention often in these next few entry's is Philicia. She is the object of my doubt.
This is where I begin. Calypso and I have known each other for almost 3 years now. When I first met him I was pretty much in awe of him. I didn't know what to think or to do with him. I admired him then as much as I do now. However, at the time I was, to the world, "in love" with his Ancient Brother, Locke. There was only one thing I wanted from Locke, and by definition now, that would not be considered love. I don't hide the fact that I have made mistakes in my life, and I hold no one but myself accountable for them. I will live my life with the guilt of each and every one of them. Including the time in which I had turned against Calypso and his existence for nearly 9 months. This had occurred after Locke had moved to California. I was so damaged by everything around, and by words people said I ran from Calypso. He will never know why. All of this information is fairly unimportant to the matter at hand, but it is a bit of background information to help understand the situation. Coming to the end of the 9th month of my withdrawal from Calypso, Cori, the blonde, had convinced me to break my pride in two and deliver the truth of my feelings to Calypso. I had, after all, been in love with him for a very long time, but without the courage to say a word. Cori, though not the smartest of people, had convinced me well enough to write a letter to Calypso I would soon regret writing. Not too long after the letter was delivered, Calypso had done the unthinkable. I kept my mouth shut, because I did not want to stir trouble, but he had broken my heart. But something Nichole had said to me stuck in my mind, that some things are worth fighting for. So I bit my tongue in the matter and stayed at the side of Calypso anyway.
And now the very soul in which Calypso had broken me for shoves passionless doubt into me. My self-contained will and desire to please other people drives me to the brink with this one. Even if it's someone I hate, I would still give in. So I stand here now, dazed and confused. Questioning the very things I swore not to. For that, I have lied to him.
I'm sure, what I feel now will fade in a few days, and I am back in school without the time and depressive wondering to think over such things. I need to get out of my house, and walk....

Entry #4 - March 31st, 2002 - "Slay the Day and Make Love to the Night"

Hello hello. Don't ask me why I'm writing since there really isn't anything 'new' to talk about. Ha, don't I wish that was true. Hmmmm....
Well, this past weekend sure has been pretty fun, I got out of my house quite a bit. Went to a birthday party with a crazy Backstreet Boys fan. *Shivers* It was livable but then I became socially unbalanced and my mother, sent me to, of all places, Calypso's house for a couple of hours. That was fun. Haunt Haunt...You're so fired Calypso. He sure knows how to drive me crazy. But all is fair in love and war I suppose.
I don't know what to do or what to think, so I wont say anything on the matter, just incase it comes back to waste me. On another note, I'm troubled. Ah, such a past I must destroy. Again, I'm going to shut up about that too. So like I said, I don't even know why I'm writing since I can't necessarily say anything period.
*Bows to Calypso*
Alright people, I must be off, stupid holiday awaits.

Entry #3 - March 23rd, 2002 - 10:58pm

It is later now, almost the next day, 11pm or so. I couldn't take it anymore, I went crazy. I told my mother after much battling with my male family members to leave the room.
I had to see him. I got up enough nerve to call him, and we met at the zone. I'm so angry with myself I wanted to talk to him about what happened. But the words wouldn't come. I think he accepts me. He hugged me differently, or maybe that was just me.
I got see Neil, and though most despise him, he's like a little brother whom I can have fun with. I got also, to see my beloved Jamie whom has a special place in my heart. He's like an older brother, but much more important then Neil.
But most of all, I was with the person I came to see. It was hard to look at him because I was afraid he didn't like me. I just don't know. I'm not away more then 15 minutes and I want him back. I want to talk to him about what happened. But I think more so to prove to myself that is did happen, and to know what it meant to him.
I'm so mentally tired…
I think I angst now…

Entry #2 - March 23rd, 2002 - 7:06pm

Mercenary Archangel of Love,
I write this one to you because you are the closest thing I can relate any of whatever it is I'm feeling right now to. I don't even know where to start, how it happened, or why it happened. I kissed him, no, we kissed each other. That feels so different to write, but it is the truth, and I am not ashamed of that truth. It all happened yesterday, I figured it would, but you can't ever play anything out like that in your mind. I know half of me yelled at him not to even think it while the other half just tested him. Test him. Is that what I did or is that how I feel now? He cracked, it took him long, but he did, and he isn't some animal. No, he is a gentleman. I cried on him afterward, I'm not sure why. I didn't want to cry, I just couldn't hold it back. It was like if you're cute or burned you just cry until your mind becomes clear. I think I cried because my pride shattered. A piece of me, a bad piece, dissolved under his touch, and I cried. I shake now even writing this, wanting to cry again. He spoke to me, in my ear the whole time, he'll never know how important that was. I felt so little, like a child, but then when we actually kissed, I didn't feel like a child, I felt like I was his and only his, just for a moment. Nothing, nothing but him. I left him later, from his little house. I walked to where my mother was, my head actually held pretty high, I just walked without any thought, but I knew I was in trouble. I set foot into my mother's presence, and she knew. She knew something happened. I couldn't hide the fact on my face, but I never said a word. Now she accuses me every time I look at her. It hurts, I want to share my experience with her, but she wont let me. I want so much to share this with someone, but I wont. I almost couldn't sleep last night but my body got so tired of my shaking that it gave in. When I woke up this morning I couldn't think. I thought it was just a dream. Mid-afternoon was when it hit me, it was not a dream. And I quarreled with it for a bit. Then I found myself smiling. I went back into my room and curled up. I felt so proud of myself. But now I am scared. Was I good? Was I bad? He told me I tasted like gum. Is that bad? So many question, I fear his rejection now. I fear meeting him. I don't know what to do or what to say. I think I just want to be back in his arms. I felt so bad because right after we kissed I was so profoundly angry. Not at him. I don't know why. I think I felt a bit of everything, that's probably also why I cried. I don't want to be just another person to him. I feel so many things right now, both good and bad. But ultimately, I didn't want to leave him then, I never wanted to leave. I never wanted to leave his arms or his kiss. Because I never wanted to be asking the questions I ask now.
I am, amazingly, unafraid of him, which is different, because I was terrified of Ryan. Maybe because Ryan treated it as such an accomplishment for him, like some game he had won, instead of it being an outrageously frightening milestone for me. Arg! What is this that I feel, I don't understand! But analyzing it would only diminish it's beauty. I wont let that happen, I'll be damned.
I miss him so much now...my knight…
How am I going to hide this from anyone? I don't want "them" to know, because they just ruin everything with their immature high school thinking.
I had no worries while I sat with him, I worry now. Will he accept me? I promised him I would tell him my fear. I can't now. He wouldn't understand, and he would be disgusted with me, I think. I must wait until the right time. I will not haunt him with it. He consoled me the whole way through, such words he spoke, angels, they were made of crystal. So pure, so beautiful. I couldn't match them even if I tried. Because no words I could say would ever come close to meaning as much as his words meant to me. I shiver to be with him as we were then.
I cannot wait until the both of us, if not just me, am free from the things that bind me in my position. Parents, peers, and my pride. If I could just be-rid myself of these material obstacles I would give up my pride for him. I'd give anything for him. I did give up my pride when I was with him. I don't want this to sound wrong, but I submitted to him, and it is one of the most wonderful feeling ever. I just gave in…

Entry #1 - March 18th, 2002

This past week has been full of the worst things and some of the greatest pleasures. On the 14th was my birthday and though ruined by a few people came as a complete surprise as turning 17 was a great milestone in my life. People are always concerned with being 18, but to be 17 means something greater that I cannot explain.
On the 15th, my high school orchestra traveled down to Oregon for an orchestral competition. Our symphony division didn't even place but that was expected as our focus was no on that part. Our chamber orchestra (strings-only 25 and under group) placed 5th out of twelve and achieved in grasping the highest score rated in Mountlake Terrace high school history. My solo went perfect by my standards for the pressure I was under and I celebrated with a gracious thanks to Calypso who declared himself my Guardian Angel for the trip. I also thanked my other Angel as well. That of course, being the only good part of the trip.
I, who wanted nothing more then to be able to sit next to someone quiet, got unfortunately, stuck next to Jaaron. Having to converse with him I learned nothing new about life, only more hurtful things about myself. For every wise word he had to say I got two that were equally designed to tear my very existence asunder. I hated being stuck with him, I hated everything he had to say, and I hated being used a pillow by someone as obnoxious as he is. And then of course there was Philicia. The very insult upon my existence, and I had to be 'civil' to her only for the fact that if I wasn't I'd have to be degraded 100 times worse by Jaaron for the remainder of the trip. All in all, I hated going, and if I can help it, I wont go again.
On a better note I'll be starting new classes tomorrow and I'll lunch with Calypso, which pleases me. I might actually have an intelligent conversation with someone besides Nichole. Anyway, I'm going to stop here because I'm getting rather annoyed with the pain in my fingertips from playing my new guitar. :)