Tuffy's Jokes

1. The Professor & the Driver
A certain Professor at a the University of Namibia used to go from town to town giving lectures about Ultra-Violet rays and their effects on the human body.
This Professor had a driver who drove him from Town to Town for the Lectures.

On one particular day,the professor was to go and give that same lecture in Mariental and he was very,very tired.
So he said to his driver:"I'm supposed to go and give another lecture in Marienta today but I'm very tired,so we'll have to cancel it."
The driver responded:"I've been following you all these days when you gave this lecture and I know exactly everything by heart now,so why don't we swop places today?I become the proffessor and you become my driver."
The professor was thrilled about the idea and so they agreed to swop places,and the professor drove to Mariental.

The people in Mariental were anxiously waiting for the professor and so when the professor arrived, they went straight into the hall,so the driver as the Professor went up front and the professor as the driver went to sit at the back.
The driver gave exactly the same speech like the one the professor always gave.Then at the end,it was question time.A question was posed but the professor(the driver) had no idea at all.
So he replied:"You people are asking such easy questions that even my driver seating there at the back can answer them,driver please answer that question for me!" and so the driver(professor ) answered the question and the lecture was over.

2. The Engineer, the Doctor and the Lawyer
NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer!"

3. Matthew 7.7
A Mr Livingstone was driving one late afternoon home after a hard's work at the office.On the way he met a lady who wanted a lift to nearby his house, so he let her into the car and they drove.This particular lady was wearing a very short skirt which revealed her thighs as she sat next to him.
Mr Livingstone could not resist noticing these beatiful legs.Upon changing to gear 2,he put his hand on the right leg of the lady but she pussed him away and said:
"Matthew 7.7"
He wondered what she was trying to say but just took his hand away and continued driving.On changing to gear 4, again he put his hand on the lady's legs and started stroking it.The lady once again pushed his hand away and said:"Matthew 7.7".
He couldn't understand what the lady was saying,but in his mind he was convienced that she is not interested in what he is doing.So he continued driving quitely until he dropped the lady off at her house.
Immediately when he arrived home he took the bible and searched for Matthew 7.7 which read:
"Ask and you shall be given"
He could not believe what a wonderfull opportunity he missed all because he had no idea what Matthew 7.7 stood for.

4. Drunk
A coloured drunk man walking past a river sees a priest baptizing his People decides to go for a baptism. The priest baptizes his people by dunking Their heads into the water and asks, "Have you seen Jesus?" The people respond
"Yes, I've seen Jesus".

When it was the drunkard's turn, the priest dunked his head into The water and pulled him out and asked him. "Have you seen Jesus?" He said no, so the priest put his head back into the water for a few more Seconds and again asked "Have you seen Jesus?" The drunkard replied "No old man."
Angrily, the priest dunked his head for a much longer time And pulled the drunkard's head out and asked him "Have you seen Jesus.?
The drunkard replied, "Ek s� my broer, are you sure he fell into this river

5. The Priest and Taxi driver at the gates of heaven
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

More Jokes coming up soon, keep clicking.....

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