Jackie:
I was just starting to catch up on old friends. It seemed like there were more living outside the country
than in. I had been back to Kenya just 5 weeks, 4 of them spent upcountry meeting the old folk. Now,
things had quieted down and I was living in an apartment in Nairobi and trying to catch up on old school
mates. Yes, I was really starting to feel back in my element after 10 years in Switzerland. Home sweet
home is sweeter if you had left it earlier, and that was the case with me. I could not believe I'd been away
so long. It seemed just like yesterday. The old friends and classmates came calling, and I went calling too.
There was especially one person I wanted to see above all else, and that was Lee.
Lee was a guy I'd had a crush on since class 7. I was twelve then and he was sixteen and in third form. A
strapping, sophisticated young man. He was all that was registering in my radar even as mocks and eighth
grade were looming threateningly in the horizon. He didn't notice me much at first, but once I was in high
school, his stares got longer, his eyes more admiring and longing, and I could tell, I had him line, hook
and sinker. The game was squarely in my ball park. I could have had him, yeah, I could have. But I didn't.
I kept a tight rein on those raging hormones, and thank God I did because of all the snickering we did
when someone got pregnant. Puberty is a time of conflict. Your sexuality is raring to be let loose, but your
morals/parents/religion/friends are pressuring you to rein it in. The hormones say, "Giddy up," and you
say, "Whoo, pull over." Yes. Conflict was a state of mind. I didn't know it or understand it then, but it was
the reason Lee and I never had any real relationship. How do you explain something or express something
to someone when your own head doesn't know whether it's coming or going. Lee and I danced circles
around each other for years. After high school, Lee left for South Africa for a couple of years with South
African Airlines. By the time he came back I too was done with high school, and on way to Nairobi
University. It was at this time that there seemed to be progress in the relationship department. I was living
in an apartment by myself when he called. I'd long given him up as gone for good. But the excitement was
not gone and talking to him for five minutes was brazenly exciting. I was to meet him at the Swiss Cafe
near Moi Avenue the following Saturday. Well, that was not to be. My father showed up on the appointed
day cheery and ready to spend the day with his oldest daughter. Now, I love my parents very much, but
this was not exactly the moment I wanted them around. I think my father has radar about me. Everytime I
was ever going to get into a situation he wouldn't be particularly crazy about, there he showed up. I told
my father I had things to do in town, which I shouldn't have said because it only made him dig in deeper
to find out what I was up to. Well, I dug in my heels too and refused to give a concrete answer, but he
probably guessed I was up to no good because he insisted on hanging around with me. My day was ruined!
We passed by the Swiss Cafe, and inside, I saw Lee sitting waiting for me. It had been so long since I had
seen him, I very nearly rebelled, but some innate fear children have of a parent kept me from it. My heart
was broken into a hundred pieces. If Lee called, I never did find out because that evening my dad insisted
I go back home with him instead of staying at my apartment. I was to learn that I was to be going to
Switzerland to school, instead of the local university. I should have been excited, but I was too soaked up
in my gried over Lee.
In two short weeks, I found myself on SwissAir, on my way to Switzerland. I didn't have time to see Lee. I
hoped I'd be able to write to him. I left Kenya a sweet, innocent, naive 19. I consider Kenya to be my
home, but I consider Switzerland to be my second and just as important home. It was where I would go
through the second phase of growing up, both as a person, and as a woman.
Lee's Story:
I met Jackline when my family moved next door to them. I was in class eight when we moved there, but I
really didn't notice her much. However, in time, I came to realize I was living right next to this beautiful
girl. She teased like most girls did, but for some reason, maybe because I'd known her since she was ten, I
never did approach her. She wasn't much help either. Girls usually say or do something to pull you along.
Not so Jackie. She was as aloof as they came. But I think she was just afraid, and the aloofness was a
front. Her parents were strict. They wanted her in a good high school and then off to the University. She
went to Alliance Girls' and I left for South Africa for a couple of years immediately after high school. On
coming back, Jackie was about to enter the University. I decided that maybe this would be a good time to
approach her. I did call her and we were to meet in town, but she never showed up. I waited quite a while,
but she never did come in. I tried calling her, but no one picked up the phone. Finally after a few weeks, I
met her brother, and he told me that Jackie had gone to Switzerland.
Jackie:
Many times I've asked myself whether I should have moved away from home. And everytime, however
much I don't want to admit it, I realize it was the right thing to do. Could I have thrown a tantrum and
insist on staying home? I probably could have. However, I was not sure about Lee. Was he just being my
big brother again, or what was the story about him wanting to see me? With doubts over Lee, I figured the
certainty of school was the wiser choice. So I chose school. I guess it's unlike those songs played on
Kenyan radio where the girl chooses 'wendo' (love) instead of school. What's the better choice? Most
people think the choice is obvious, and it probably is, but that doesn't mean that taking that choice is
going to be easy. However, it does feel like you traded in a husband and kids for hefty bills and a sizeable
mortgage. Love goes quite a ways, but it sure doesn't pay the rent. Ask me.
School was great in Switzerland but I lost all contact with Lee. Anyway, he was probably moving on with
his life. There had never been anything there really, just a lot of unspoken feelings. I started to think that
maybe that happens to everyone, and I shouldn't make more of it than it really was. I'd been in
Switzerland about a year when I met Justin, and for the first time, I could say I was really in love, and this
time, it was reciprocated. We went to the same school. It was at this time that I had to overcome one of
what I consider to be my biggest hurdles. Justin was very sensual, very romantic and it was like a breath of
fresh air being with someone so attentive. I think you know where this is going, so, to cut a long story
short, the issue of sex was becoming harder and harder to ignore. He would invite me to his bedroom and
I had always firmly resisted. But he was very persuasive, and when he said he wanted us arrange his CD
collection, I actually believed him. I think he believed it himself too. But things got quickly out of hand
once that door was shut. I don't quite know how we got from looking at his CD's on the floor to him lying
on top of me on the bed trying to rid me of my clothes. But that's where things went. And that was where
my biggest hurdle was. By this time, all my clothes were off, but everytime he tried to introduce himself to
me, I saw our church back home. And not the church in Nairobi. I saw the church up-country with all the
relatives and grandparents. And there, standing larger than life were my parents singing their hearts off
from the 'thara.' Ha, yes, it brought me back to the world in a flash. Justin would try to persuade me again,
but the 'Ibuku Ria Thara' loomed large and forbidding, and guilt inducing all around the room. It was too
much for me and I had to leave. It took a lot of time, and a lot of determination to cut the apron strings.
Switzerland was good to me, but there were a lot of unexpected difficulties living in a strange country and
no daddy to run to to rescue you from your every blunder. A time or two, on account of a job, a friend or a
boyfriend, I very nearly packed it all up and went back home. It took a long time getting myself
completely together. Time spent in school, at a job, in between jobs. It was enough to make anyone say
enough! Ten years I lived in Switzerland. From the ages of 19 till I was 29. Maybe I was what people call
'caught up.' Yeah, I probably was. Caught up with school, with work, with friends, with existing. It's not
always a bad thing to be 'caught up.' You learn a lot of valuable lessons in the meanwhile. I worked on
what I had to work on. Sometimes what needed work was me, sometimes school, sometimes my job -
whatever that was at that moment. I worked any and all types of jobs. All the low, menial jobs I could get.
Waitressing, health clinics, washing dishes, scrubbing floors. Whatever paid the bills. I finally graduated
with a law degree after eight long years both as an undergrad and in Law school. Eight years is a heck of a
long time if you ask me. I worked in corporate law for two years after that, and represented everyone I had
come to dislike while I worked in low-pay jobs. But money has a way of turning enemies into friends. The
corporations that had enslaved me in my early years in Switzerland, I now defended in court. Defended
them from people who were as I had been: underpaid and unrespected. After those two years, feeling
filthier than a dog for sleeping with the enemy, and feeling more burned out than I'd ever felt scrubbing
McDonald's floors, I quit my job. I decided it was time to return home. I honestly didn't feel like I would
be going home a success. I had had it with corporate life. All I wanted was sometime to breathe unsmoggy
air, and be able to see the stars at night. I took an extended leave from work, not knowing whether or not
I'd be coming back, and boarded Swiss Air back home.
My first four weeks back home with my parents went by in a blur. I received the expected friends and
relatives at home. I had been a little worried that I couldn't handle all the attention and publicity, but it
actually turned out quite okay. In fact, I did even start to enjoy it.
Lee:
Jackie left and it was as if she dropped off the edge of the earth. After a few failed attempts at trying to get
her whereabouts from her family, I stopped trying to find her. I dated awhile, and finally met Ruth. We
were married a couple of years later. I was happy. I had a wonderful wife that I loved very much and a
great job. I should have been satisfied. In time, the more money I made, the worse a person I became. It
started slowly. At first dropping by the local 'kanyuaji' for a couple of drinks with friends from work. Soon
it increased from a couple to three, then four, and soon I was spending most of my waking time after work
there. It was what all the men did. I understood why Ruth was getting resentful about it, but I felt there
was nothing I could do about it. Life was indeed very good. The money was flowing and so was the wine
and the women. I never strayed from my marriage vows though. Let me correct that. Once. It happened
once only. I vowed I'd never do it again, and I didn't. I wondered about telling Ruth. Finally, when I did
muster up enough courage to tell her, her response was quite surprising. She wasn't given to being
dramatic, but her calmness when she said she forgave me was still unexpected. But then you know, right
there and then, she screwed with my head. If she had been the one who had had an affair, I would have
been livid. I would have most probably thrown her out of the house. I started to wonder whether she was
up to no good herself. It really bothered me. I started to spend more time at home, but she was all of a
sudden, strangely remote and always gone when I was home. I was sure she was having an affair. I
confronted her a couple of times over this, but she denied it and threw my affair back in my face. Things
were not about to get any easier. Maybe we didn't communicate properly, maybe I drank too much. Maybe
it was the skeleton of my affair eating away at us, or maybe it was my suspicions that Ruth was seeing
someone else that destroyed our marriage. Or maybe it was all of the above. These things have a way of
eating away at a relationship. In the end, we couldn't keep it together. We couldn't stay together without
wanting to kill each other, and after five years of marriage, we divorced. You would think after a divorce,
life would start to make some sense. Actually, things went downhill from here. They of course began with
the divorce. It was supposed to be an easy separation, but it turned nightmare in Westlands. There were
issues that were brought up and revelations made that made my blood run cold and left me sleepless at
night. Never in a million years would I have thought my life would take the turn it was taking. I had
hoped that Ruth and I would remain friends, but instead, I ended up being enstranged quite severely, from
her, her family and even mine and almost every friend I had ever known. I was mentally and emotionally
ill-equipped to deal with this strange turn of events. I was placed on probation at work and my hair started
to fall out. This is rather an odd time to bring this up, but I remember at the time remembering that poem
from nursery school that talked about the old man whose hair went grey overnight. Mine fell off in clumps
overnight and my appetite disappeared. It was a harrowing experience to live through, and after it was all
over, having been forced to live with my parents while the divorce proceedings were in place, I moved out
into a tiny flat in Nairobi, I was back at work and was no longer on probation. Saw a doctor regularly and
in time, sobered up. Keeping busy helped quite a bit. I didn't date much. I had no interest, but I
re-established new friends, and reconciled with my family. For the next four years, I worked to pay off my
legal debts and establish roots for myself again. I bought a house and life was back to normal.
It was during this time that a friend of mine invited me to a party at his house. And that was when I saw
her. She looked like an angel in a shimmering white dress. The moment felt surreal. Where had she come
from? Why hadn't anyone told me? And with that last thought, I remembered that no one who had ever
known Jackie and I was around anymore. I had lost a lot of friends. I walked over to her. Her back was to
me. What if it wasn't her? Too late, I'd already touched her arm and she was turning round to face me. I
couldn't walk away now. It was Jackie. The entire room disappeared and it was just me and her again.
Like it had always been all those many years ago, and this time, I wasn't about to let her disappear on me
again.
Jackie:
I did meet Lee at the party that day. He probably told you it felt surreal. It really did. That evening was an
evening of many firsts. It was the first time we'd ever danced together. It was the first time we had ever
been really physically close. It was the first time when I was sure I knew how he felt about me, and my
own feelings for him were reinforced. It was the first time I'd ever dealt with Lee as a grown up, and no
longer a child. I was 29, he was 33. We spent the whole evening together, and we talked every day on the
phone after that. He would come over to my apartment over the weekends. We would catch a movie, go
shopping, he'd spend the night at my place and we'd go to church the next morning. Calm down dear
reader, there was no sex let me put it to you as plainly as can be. None at all. (Which probably explains
why we were able to get up on Sunday morning and go to church). Not that I didn't think about it. As we
got closer, intimacy became more and more difficult to keep at bay. There was a lot of heavy breathing
and a lot of yearning bodies, but somehow, we always stopped. Actually, Lee always stopped. I didn't feel
that he wasn't sexually attracted to me, I felt he was. But he always stopped. I never pressed him about it
because after my last boyfriend I'd vowed no more pre-marital sex. So I didn't force it. I also didn't want to
put him off. It was a really special moment though when we first kissed. I don't want to sound too cliche
here by talking about seventh heaven and the ninth cloud etc, etc. But it was incredibly special. I had
never felt my life come so completely together as when Lee and I kissed. It made up for all the missed
chances, all the mistakes, all the broken hearts just being there with him. Nothing was going to keep me
away from Lee this time even if I had to beg, borrow or steal. I was prepared to do anything. On second
thoughts, maybe not all that prepared.
Lee:
Jackie and I spent a lot of time together after we met at the party. I did tell her about my marriage and
divorce, and she told me about her marriage to Stephen. Oh! She didn't tell you about that, did she? She
kind of likes to keep quiet about it.
Jackie:
Yes, I was married to Stephen for 9 months while I was living in Switzerland. It's better forgotten.
Lee:
I knew Jackie wondered why there was no sex in our relationship. It took a while to muster the courage to
explain things to her. I knew there was a chance I could lose her if I did, but it got to the point where I
knew that we both had to make a choice. I had to tell her the truth, and she had to decide whether she was
still willing to stay with me. There was no need to drag things out over years. So, after we'd been dating
about 3 months is when I let her know.
Jackie:
Finding out that Lee was HIV positive was very much a surprise.
Lee:
It was the reason my divorce had been so acrimonious. Ruth had been having an affair with a close friend
of ours. This of course was bad news in itself, but we also found out that we were both HIV positive. There
was no way to tell who'd given it to who first and that's where the witch-hunt began, and accusations were
flying back and forth. Revelations of the affair tore our families apart and the HIV status didn't help
matters much either. This is why I always resisted having sex with Jackie. She probably wondered why,
and I didn't have the courage to tell her then.
Jackie:
While I was living in Switzerland in my 'caught up' years, one of the places I worked at was an Aids
clinic. I didn't know it then, but the information I gathered from there has been my life saver, and has
helped in dealing with Lee's HIV status. Not being completely intimate with Lee has been very difficult.
Very very difficult. Actually more difficult than I thought it could be. But I know I shouldn't, I can't. It has
been very frustrating. I really shouldn't dwell on it, but I remember lying down on my bed in Switzerland
on cold, lonely nights and wishing Lee were there to make love to me. Hmmh. I just don't know. It is
hard. But we are adjusting, and we are seeing a specialist. I've been in Kenya for six months now, and I
just wrote a letter to my employer back there saying I don't see myself going back for the forseable future.
So it was pretty much a resignation letter. I don't know what's in the cards for Lee and I. For the moment,
I am content just being with him. After some time of course, I will need to go back to work again. I am
hoping Lee can be able to go back with me. He could get a job there and the healthcare is much better. But
I do want us to first get married here at home.
Lee:
I think we've come to the end of this story. I'm hoping Jackie does not want to go back and live
permanently in Switzerland. I like being here at home, and I like her being here with me. I do want us to
get married though, and I think she wants that too.