| Ask Bob the cow |
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| Hello Friends! My name is Bob, and I am a bovine, comonly known as a cow. Actually, bovine is the species and the term "cow" refers only to the females of the species (like me). My job is to listen to all of the painful stories told by painfully strange people. And then I tell them what to do with their painfully strange problems. All you have to do is ask a question and send it to the e-mail address below. Sounds simple right? Well, right. Of course. Duh. send questions to: Ask Bob at [email protected] I have become aware of another Bob the Cow advice site, that looks similar to this one. That one is an imposter run by a jealous copier. IT IS FAKE. Repeat: IT IS FAKE. For real Bob the cow advice remember nfmage13! thank you. |
| Question: Bob, I'm a lady who rides a horse in the world of Kellia. My problem is, I'm being eaten by rabid leaches. They chew on me and suck my blood and hurt very much. What should I do to get rid of them? Help me obiwan-bob-the-cow, your my only hope. |
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| Answer: Dear lady who rides a horse, It is painfuly obvious what you must do. take a couple of asprin and inject some novacaine into your whole body, and then ask someone to pull the leaches off of your body and burn them. Then get lots of band-aids and cover the gaping wounds. I would recomend seeing your doctor for more help, as I'm an advice columnist cow, not a physician. -Bob the cow |
| Question: Dear Bob the cow or wutever your retarded name is, I am also a phsycologist, and i would like to see how good you are by asking you some common phsycologist questions. If you were a manatee, and you saw a rather smallish bean covered in flecks of green, swimming in a field of kelp. and it was next to an old man. A naked old man. would you: A) Move to belgium B) eat the old man C) eat yourself Sincerely, Old Man Weatherby |
| Answer: I would move to Belgium. Being a cow, i don't eat meat. -Bob the Cow |
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| Dear Bob the Cow, Hello! I have always dreamed of talking to an actual cow. You see, i have a problem. My best friend is a chicken and my other one is a rooster. They hate each other and they want to choose between them. What should I do?? -Leslie :) |
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| Dear Leslie: It is always hard to choose between friends, but since both of you friends are birds, there is a very simple solution. Put both of you friends in a room with a bag of corn and a starving vegetarian cat. The cat and the chickens will both want the corn, however you friends will be scarred of the cat. The first friend to leave the room is inferior. -Bob the Cow |
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| Dear Bob, Hi. I am a vegetarian. I don't eat meat because people slaughtered a really cute cow, named Bob. I think you look like this cow. COWS RULE! I really wanted to know if you were abused by carnivorous donkeys. Thanks. Jenni the Veggi |
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| Dear Jenni the Veggie: Thank you very much for you concern. I will weep for your cow friend *sob*. I am not being abused by any donkeys, and most of the donkeys I know are vegetarian too, like most normal donkeys. -Bob the Cow |
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| Dear Bob the evil cow, I have little green elves that come to my house to steal my salt and pepper. What should I do? Should I move? Where can I buy elf reppelant, or elf poison? Please tell me. |
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| Dear blank: You should most definately not move!. The elves will merely follow you to your next house. Go down to your local magic supply shop (such as Finnigan's) and buy some elf reppelant (I recomend purple Pixie's elf B-gone, it's only 6.99 a pound and works great). Sprinkle it around your salt and pepper, and all through your house chanting "peekee peekee polka pelse go and bother someone else!". This should be done every day at noon until the elves go away. -Bob the Cow |
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| My name is Caroline and I am an actress in Austrailia and England. I happened to come across your advice page and needed your help. I have a co-worker in the show I am currently working on that will not stop poking me. When the director says "cut" She runs over and pokes my arm. Also everytime she sees me, she has to poke me. She finds this amusing but I do not. How can I get her to stop poking me without being mean? Also, I have only been in one movie, how do I get in more??? Cheers, Caroline |
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| What a problem! I knew someone like that once. She enden up breaking her finger when she poked a knight wearing armor at a medieval fair, but that's another story. Here's what you should do: During your next filming, wear a dress with long sleeves. Under that dress, put on some iron costume armor. When she pokes you, you won't feel it at all. Also, if she pokes too hard, she'll get an interesting surprise. As to the movie problem, I'm no expert, but I would suggest acting lessons and an agent. -Bob the cow |
| Question: Dear almighty BOB! I have nuclear monkeys harassing me where ever I go. They always threaten me by saying stuff like "get me a sandwich or I will like the sludge off your toes". Shoud I resort to weapons. Oh yeah they stole my bike.(Sob , sob) Or will it not effect the nuclear critters. Well please answer this question Sincerely KSTOT |
| Answer: Dear KSTOT: Go find a giant Zalderan sludge worm and tell it to devour the monkeys -Bob |
| Question: Dear Cow, My cousin is so brainy and annoy everything i say he corrects me with like a ga-billion sentences, explaining the fragment and all that other STUFF. Everytime i have to say "oh nevermind," in order for him to shut up. I really need some real advice, or should i just beat him up or shoot him? |
| Answer: In this case, violence is not the answer. Actually, violence is never the answer, but pain makes a dandy bargaining chip. Anyway, you could try explaining to your cousin that, although you appreciate that he takes the time to correct you in order to further your knowledge, it's really not that important to you. If that doesn't work, get mad? |