Quotes #11 ================================================ Dumb ? When I asked her to pass the plate, she said: "Upper or Lower." ______________________________________________________ Dumb ? He would look for a wishbone in a soft - boiled egg. ______________________________________________________ Dumb ? She couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses ______________________________________________________ Dumb ? The only thing he ever read was an eye - chart. ================================================ ================================================ Kissing may be the language of love but money still does the talking. ______________________________________________________ She gave me a kiss that would cost three dollars in a taxi. ______________________________________________________ A kiss that speaks volumes is seldom a first edition. ================================================ ================================================ Kissing a pretty girl is like opening a bottle of olives. After the first one the rest come easy. ______________________________________________________ "Am I the first girl you ever kissed ?" "Might be -- your face looks familiar." ================================================ ================================================ A girdle is a device to keep an unfortunate situation from spreading. ______________________________________________________ A girdle is the difference between facts and figures. ______________________________________________________ Women who cannot afford a new girdle make the old one stretch. ================================================ ================================================ Many people think that they have an open mind when it is really their mouth. ______________________________________________________ He went to a mind reader the other day and was only charged half price. ================================================ ================================================ Before we got married my wife promised to sew, clean, and cook, and she did. She sowed her wild oats, cleaned me out, and cooked my goose. ______________________________________________________ My ambition is to marry a rich girl who is too proud to let her husband work. ================================================ ================================================ All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterwards that causes the problems. ______________________________________________________ When they got married it wasn't by the Justice of Peace, it was by the Secretary of War. ______________________________________________________ She didn't want to marry him for his money but it was the only way she could get it. ================================================ ================================================ The trouble with most men is they know all about women but nothing about wives. ______________________________________________________ "I'm a self - made man." "We accept your apology." ================================================ ================================================ "I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up." "Well, if he tells the truth, he lies." ______________________________________________________ He had bad luck all his life, but when they dug his grave, they struck oil. ================================================ ================================================ "Do you think I'll lose my looks as I get older?" "If you're lucky." ______________________________________________________ Old jokes never die, they just sound that way. ================================================ ================================================ If your wife laughs at your jokes, it means that you either have a good joke or a good wife. ______________________________________________________ A wife laughs at her husband's jokes not because they are clever but because she is. ================================================ ================================================ Why do husbands talk about their in - laws as if their wives didn't have any ??? ______________________________________________________ He is a model husband, but not a working model. ================================================ ================================================ It wasn't the apple on the tree that ruined Adam, it was the tomato on the ground. ______________________________________________________ A farm is a hunk of land on which, if you get up early enough mornings, and work late enough nights, you'll make a fortune -- if you strike oil. ______________________________________________________ It's pretty hard on a farm. You go to sleep with the chickens, get up with the roosters, work like a horse, eat like a pig, and they treat you like a dog. ================================================ ================================================ There's something about farm life that gets you -- especially if the wind is blowing in the wrong direction. ______________________________________________________ Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives. ================================================ ================================================ One - fifth of the people are against everything all the time. ( Robert Kennedy ) ______________________________________________________ I should like to love my country and still love justice. ( Robert Kennedy ) ______________________________________________________ Some men see things as they are and ask, "Why !" I dream of things that could be and ask, "Why Not ?" ( Robert Kennedy ) ================================================ Nothing but Jokes by Nauman Faridi