Quotes #10 ================================================ A friend said to W. C. Fields: "Mr. Fields, do you think your father would have approved of your drinking two quarts of whiskey a day ?" "I doubt it," said Fields. "He'd have called me a sissy !" ______________________________________________________ W. C. Fields was told by his doctor that he wouldn't live six months more unless he quit drinking. Fields replied: "Y'know, Doc, that's what a British doctor in Surrey told me twenty - five years ago. It's mighty good to discover that you doctors agree on something." ================================================ ================================================ A policeman was helping a drunk lying flat on the pavement trying to get him on his feet. "Can you describe the man who hit you?" asked the cop. "Sure," said the drunk. "I was doing just that when he hit me." ______________________________________________________ The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." ( Mark Twain ) ================================================ ================================================ It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office." ( Shirley MacLaine ) ______________________________________________________ I got Mark Hellinger so drunk one night that it took three bellboys to put me to bed. ( W. C. Fields ) ================================================ ================================================ Champagne: A beverage which makes you see double but feel single. ______________________________________________________ Problem Drinker: One who never buys. ______________________________________________________ Whiskey: Trouble that's bottled. It is also the only enemy that man has managed to love. ================================================ ================================================ "Hey, Buddy, its this way: down in Alabama we like our liquor hard and our women soft." "Well, friend, up here in Illinois we like our liquor straight and our women curved!" ______________________________________________________ My husband is very good around the house .... There isn't a Martini or a Manhattan that he can't fix. ================================================ ================================================ Definition of a corkscrew: A mighty good key to unlock the store house of wit and the treasury of laughter, the door to fellowship, and the gate to pleasant foolishness. ______________________________________________________ Alcohol -- An excellent concoction to preserve almost anything you have -- except secrets ! ================================================ ================================================ "Hey Bartender ... was I in this joint last night and did I spend thirty bucks on drinks ? " "You sure were and did, Sir." "What a relief. I thought I'd lost it." ( W. C. Fields ) ______________________________________________________ Whatever is in the heart and mind of a sober man is in the mouth of a drunkard. ================================================ ================================================ "Hey Buddy?" the drunk asked of the other drunk sitting next to him at the bar. "Is the sun setting or rising?" "I really c-can't say. I d-don't live around here." ______________________________________________________ Its been said that a lot of wives whose husbands come home half shot, feel like finishing the job. ================================================ ================================================ They drink with impunity ... or anybody who invites them. ( Artemus Ward ) ______________________________________________________ The trouble with the world is that everybody in it is three drinks behind. ( Humphrey Bogart ) ================================================ ================================================ It is easier to stand the smell of liquor than to listen to it. ______________________________________________________ When your companions get drunk and fight, take up your hat and wish them good night. ================================================ ================================================ Knowledge and alcohol have at least one thing in common ... a little bit of it is sometimes as bad as too much. ______________________________________________________ Scientific fact: Nothing is more soluble in alcohol than a man's conscience. ================================================ ================================================ A friend asked David Letterman if he knew any girls who didn't drink, smoke, swear or have any other bad habits. "What for?" David replied. ______________________________________________________ There are many virtues that can be preserved in alcohol, but dignity is not one of them. ================================================ ================================================ The secret of staying young is to drink good whiskey, eat slowly and lie about your age. ______________________________________________________ Cocktail parties: As a rule, more handsome men attend cocktail parties than women because the hostess writes the invitations. ================================================ ================================================ "Like a camel I can go without a drink for seven days -- and have on several horrible occasions." ( Herb Caen ) ___________________________________________________ Abstinence is a noble thing, but it should be practiced in moderation. ================================================ ================================================ Inflation has gone up over a dollar a quart. ( W. C. Fields ) ______________________________________________________ Wine improves with age; the older I get the more I like it. ______________________________________________________ Reality is a delusion created by alcohol deficiency. ================================================ ================================================ "Ma'am, I'm your new neighbor and I need a bottle opener. Do you have one?" "Sorry. He's gone to work." ______________________________________________________ Leaden - headed with a hangover, W. C. Fields was asked if he'd like a Bromo Seltzer. "Heck no," he replied, "I couldn't stand the noise." ______________________________________________________ You are not an alcoholic if you drink nothing stronger than gin before breakfast. ( W. C. Fields ) ================================================ Nothing but Jokes by Nauman Faridi