Guide to Laws Not all of these will apply to everyone, but some of them will. Just keep reading and you'll eventually find one that applies to you; or at least makes you smile. It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Weinberg's Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You should learn a lot today! The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts the instant you wake up in the morning and doesn't stop until the moment you get to work (school, etc.). I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Main's Law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost. Duct tape is like the force -- it has a light side, a dark side and holds the universe together. All I ask is a chance to prove that money won't make me happy. One good thing about egotists is they never talk about other people. How come wrong numbers are never busy? Ginsburg's Theorem: a.) You can't win. b.) You can't break even. c.) You can't quit! Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. The trouble with being poor is it takes up all your time. AMAZING BUT TRUE... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would cover the entire Sahara Desert!! Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: Everyone is available to help in the past tense. Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first 90% of the task will take 90% of the time. The last 10% will take the other 90% of the time. Canada Bill Jones' Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A Magnum .44 beats four aces. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. Drive defensively -- buy a tank!!! The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can which, when discarded, will last forever . . . and a twenty thousand dollar car which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. Murphy's Statement on the Power of Negative Thinking: It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. FEATURE n. A surprising property of a computer program. A bug can become a feature by documenting it. Having children is hereditary. If parents didn't have any, chances are you won't either. A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. -- Lazarus Long The sum of the intelligence on this planet remains a constant, yet the population is growing. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. One reason why computers can do more work than people is they never have to stop to answer the phone. Psychiatrists say that mental illness affects one out of four people. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. You're only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. You know it's going to be a bad day when your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. You'll be a winner today -- pick a fight with a four-year-old. REPORTER (to Mahatma Ghandi): Mr. Ghandi, what do you think of Western Civilization? GHANDI: I think it would be a good idea. How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, we'll fix it in the software. Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. You know it's going to be a bad day when your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You know it's going to be a bad day when your twin sister forgets your birthday. You know it's going to be a bad day when you wake up and discover that your waterbed sprang a leak . . . and then you realize you don't have a waterbed. Originality is the art of concealing your source. Paul's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. If there's artificial intelligence, is there artificial stupidity? ---------- Submitted by: Amir A. Khan Nothing but Jokes by Nauman Faridi