Jan 23, 2008.
I’m a male, age 19. Ever since
I was very young, I couldn’t breath enough. I used to be wasteful and alone and
physically ‘broken’, I used to keep popping drinks. I was sinful and lying
though I took care not to lie at certain times. And at one or some points, I
used to be running and running in the sense of just doing things away so I
could breath, it provided temporary relief but not cure, and maybe I’m just
going under. I wanted out of my wastefulness and prodigality, and my health was
terrible and I was weak, and I thought the most productive thing to do was to
invite people to Islam, so I did it, and I screwed it up so badly(to the
extent, it seems of hinting/indicating/claiming I’m a messenger). I find myself
physically and mentally breached. I used to be, I consider, sicker than most
people, also in that I don’t think I ever really loved or cared for any
one(except maybe my mom), and before that I used to HATE my dad and ran away
from home more than 5 times. I used to
be weak, Im weak now, I’m a parasite, I’m
Schizophrenic, I used to be incapable, I’m not so capable now, I sin more than
most people I consider, I’m insecure, I used to be insecure., I’m sorry if I
made such a claim, I’m sorry for all the people I hurt. I may have the lion’s
share of responsibility for this, and I definitely started it. And I can’t
change, and I don’t want love, I just don’t like hate, and I can’t save you,
and you can’t save me. I have no intention to get a girl and I intend to
mercilessly reject every proposal and this is a warning, though I’ve never
consciously rejected any such thing before. And because I ‘preached’ before I
can tell you now that in actions I do not in any noticeable way show the signs
of belief, let alone surrender to god(also I don’t pray any of the obligatory
5). If you want to take a look at where I stand, look in the pit. Although I
intend to remain at my minimum standard some day.
Currently I live in