PLEASE NOTE: Don’t take any of this seriously, I don’t want to be responsible for the break up of thousands of strong relationships!
MIKE NESMITH:
So you’re a Nezhead without Nez? Shame isn’t it? Still, you could get a substitute Nez if you do this:
1. Buy him a selection of green, blue and white woolhats, also get him a green woolhat with buttons on.
2. Show him the correct way of wearing woolhats, on the back of the head, not at the top.
3. Punch him in the face to make his teeth go all crooked.
4. Send him to an accent teacher to learn how to talk in a Texan accent.
5. Cut out two triangular pieces of black, furry carpet and stick them to the side of his face so they look like sideburns
6. Put some of the extra carpet onto his hands, arms, legs and chest to give them a nice Nez hairiness!
7. Shine a bright light into his face so that his eyes develop a permanent narrowing look.
If that doesn’t work then try turning him into…
PETER TORK: Torkaholic? Yeah, thought so. Here’s how to turn your beloved into our beloved hippy guy!
1. Buy him love beads.
2. Buy some beige curtains and make them into clothes. Very Sound of Music.
3. Teach him how to achieve that peaceful and contented smile that Peter has.
4. Get him to sing Your Auntie Grizelda after smoking cannabis…
5. Buy him a pet alligator named Alvin.
6. Buy him some orange pyjamas with a bunny rabbit on and little foot things and a night cap thingy. SO CUTE!
7. Buy him a ukulele, banjo, bass guitar, acoustic guitar, piano, harpsichord etc and sit back and hear him become a master of them all!
Alternatively, you could have your very own:
DAVY JONES:
To achieve the Davy look, here’s what your boyfriend needs to do:
1. If he’s over 5’3”, he needs to get part of his legs chopped off.
2. Stretch his arms to a ridiculously long length.
3. Send him to London to get the Davy Jones Mancunian accent (He sounds like he doesn’t even know where Manchester IS!).
4. Teach him the Davy Jones “I’m cute, aren’t I?” smile.
5. And the Davy Jones “Take me, take me now” pout (which will often come in handy…)
6. Hand him a tambourine and pair of maracas and tell him to learn them until he becomes number one in the world!
7. Finally, but most importantly, teach him the world famous Davy Dance!
If none of these appeal to you, then you evidently have no taste and would like to turn your best beloved into:
MICKY DOLENZ:
You’re a Dolenzkateer? Hmm. Okay then, let’s see what we can do for you.
1. Ask him if he thinks that The Monkees were comparable to Leonard Nimoy really becoming a Vulcan. If he says “no”, hit him repeatedly until he changes his mind.
2. Send your boyfriend for plastic surgery so his nose and chin almost meet each other. [N.B. If you beat him up enough on Step 1, then you may not need to do this]
3. Send him to singing lessons so he can sing as well as Micky (as much as I don’t fancy him, he’s got a gorgeous voice!)
4. Teach him to play drums.
5. Stick his fingers into a live plug socket so his hair gets that afro Micky look.
6. Sit him in front of every James Cagney film you can lay your hands on until he perfects his “You doidee rayt!” line.
7. Buy him a coke machine and teach him the correct way to beat the crap out of it.
So now you know exactly how to have your own personal member of The Monkees without breaking up with anyone, isn’t that a great help?!