Relena-bashing, Humor

I do not own Gundam Wing, and I'll return the characters unscathed (except for Relena!) I do own the story, however.

Everybody was hard at work on their sculptures. Duo was revving his chainsaw like a motorcycle. Heero rolled his eyes. Trowa, who was busily carving a lion out of his ice block said,

"Heero, look who's here." A pink nightmare was weaving her way through the crowd.

"Heero!" Relena shrieked when she spotted her victim. "What are you making?" She asked, staring dumbly at an almost finished ice sculpture of Wing Zero. Heero chose to ignore her. "So, Heero, I was thinking maybe we should have a talk. In private, I mean." Relena said, glancing at Duo who was hacking at his ice block.

"I'd rather not�" Heero replied, dropping a chisel on Relena's foot.

"Ow!" She squeaked, hopping on one foot. A bruise was already starting to form on her ankle, and her white pump had a black streak on it. Heero picked up the chisel and walked in Wufei's direction. Relena limped after him. "As I was saying, we need to have a serious talk." Heero kept walking, debating whether or not he should shoot her.

"Good day, Miss Relena!" Quatre chirped. Relena tore her eyes away from Heero long enough to glance in Quatre's direction. He was carefully putting the finishing touches on a massive sculpture of Trowa. "Isn't the ice beautiful? Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! Do they know how beautiful the ice is?" Quatre sighed. Relena smiled, gazing in Heero's direction.

"Beautiful." She agreed.

Wufei was almost done with his prized sculpture. Heero tossed Wufei the chisel. Wufei caught it and turned back to the giant bottle of Miracle Whip. Meanwhile, Relena had caught up with Heero again. "Heeeeeeeeero�: She leaned on the bottle of Miracle Whip, scrunched up her face and stared at him. Heero shifted his weight uncomfortably and reached for his gun inconspicuously.

"Heero! Can you please come over here?" Quatre called. Heero reluctantly replaced his gun in the depths of his spandex.

"Nani?" He asked Quatre, who was struggling to lift a chainsaw.

"I need some help lifting this." Quatre told him, setting it down and adjusting his pink mitten, which was falling off. Relena was right at Heero's heels.

"Back off!" Heero spun around and pointed his gun at Relena's face. "I should have done this a long time ago-" Heero began.

"Dame yo! Stop now before somebody gets hurt!" Quatre cried, struggling once more with the chainsaw. He slid and rammed into his sculpture of Trowa. One of the sharp, massive unibangs began to shake. Relena, who was unaware of the danger, continued to stand under the sculpture, batting her eyelashes at Heero.

"You don't want to shoot me." She purred knowingly.

"You're right, I don't." Heero replied.

"Wh-what?" That remark caught her by surprise. The five-foot piece of Trowa's bangs shook. It crashed to the ground, driving Relena into the frozen earth.

"That's more entertaining than shooting you." Heero finished. Quatre's eyes filled with tears.

"My beautiful, beautiful-" Quatre was cut off when Heero pointed his gun in Quatre's direction. They both looked at Relena. Completely impaled by a sharp blade of Trowa's hair, she lay, bleeding profusely and twitching every couple seconds. Heero laughed.

"Mission: accomplished."