 
A
man placed some f lowers
on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his
car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a
grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The
first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere
with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than
I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A
parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
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A
man was walking along
a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord,
you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. That's what I am
asking you for right now. Please give me confirmation that you will
grant my wish." Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord
in a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and
determined it to be pure. Because you have been faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish you ask for." The man sat and thought
about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii,
but
I'm deadly afraid of flying and I get very seasick on boats. Could you
build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever
I want?" The Lord laughed and said, "That's ridiculous! Think of
the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of
the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!! Your
request is very materialistic, and a little disappointing. I
could do it, but it's hard for me to justify you craving for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you
think would honor and glorify Me as well." The man thought about it
for a long while and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he
said, "Here's the deal, Lord. I've been married and divorced four
times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm
insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women .. I want to know
how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the
silent treatment ... I want to know why they're crying ... I want to
know what they really mean when they say 'nothing' ... I want to know
how to make them truly happy ...
That's the wish that I want, Lord. After a few minutes, God said, "You
want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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A
panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter. As the panda stands
up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just
shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The Panda yells
back to the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The
bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
"panda: A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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Should
women have children after 35? No, 35 children are morethan enough
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A
drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been
brought here for drinking.. Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get
started?
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Can
you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting..
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Divorce
has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to
be different..
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When
a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book..
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Girlfriend:
And are you sure you love me and no oneelse?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
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Waiter:
Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have? -
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My
father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.
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Teacher:
Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,
what virtue would I be Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
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Teacher:
Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
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Manager:
Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in
this
case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
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Dad:
Son, what do u want for ur birthday? Son: Not much dad, Just a radio
with a sports car around it.
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Teacher:
Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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Diner:
I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
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Husband:
U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
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Man:
Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can
keep it.
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Father:
Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
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