Is Windows a virus ?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. Okay, Windows does that.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Okay, Windows does that, too.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, tooViruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware Yup, that's with Windows, too Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they matureSo, Windows is *not* a virus.

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Microsoft Light Bulb Jokes

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
A2: None. They wait one week and then they make darkness as a standard.
A3: None, Bill Gates just calls a meeting and changes the standard to darkness.
A4: None, its a hardware problem.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask, "What is the registration number of the light bulb?"
one to ask, "Have you tried rebooting it?" another to ask, "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say, "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
Q: How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket.

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MS-Employee goes to Heaven
A poor employee had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates' infamous new home. The poor architect had used a Mac to undertake the interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him. In fact, this guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life.

He reappears at the gates of heaven where St.Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St.Peter."Ah", St.Peter says, "you're the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don't worry, you're in
heaven now. Everything is allright."Still quivering, the poor architect says: "At last, that's wonderful. But you promise me that Bill Gates won't appear here."

St.Peter lets out a broad laugh: "Is the Pope Catholic? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Amigas..."

Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit: "Look, look, you told me he'd never find a place in heaven, but it's him."

St.Peter turns around to see the sight. "Ah, no my son, that's God, he just thinks he's Bill Gates..."

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Microsoft Car problems

3 persons had a drive in a car: mechanical engineer, electrical engineer and Microsoft programmer. But the car suddenly broke down.

Mechanical engineer said: "Hey! It has to be change gear. Lemme fix it."

The electrical engineer didn't agree: "It's magneto probably. I will fix it."

Microsoft programmer shook his head and said: "Hey guys, I have a simpler idea: Let's just close all the windows, get out of the car, get back into it, and it might be running!"

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When Bill Gates Meets St Peter

Bill Gates dies and meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates (no pun intended).
St Peter gives him a choice of Heaven or Hell and gives him a chance to check out each.

Bill walks up to Heaven; lots of clouds and hymns - all a bit boring. He then pops down to check out Hell; it looks great - bikini-clad girls running around a beach playing volleyball. Bill tells St Peter that he will choose Hell.

A few weeks later, St Peter drops in to see how Bill is going in Hell.
Bill is in a terrible state - third degree burns to his back, jabmarks on his butt, his hair all burnt off.
He wails to St Peter, "you conned me; where are all the girls, the beach and the volleyball?"

St Peter replies "Oh, that was just the demo version".

The Worlds Smartest Man One night, a Delta twin-engine plane was flying somewhere above New Jersey.
There were five people on board the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door
and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man.
The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you
take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

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Bill Gates and Devine Brown

After the Hugh Grant/Devine Brown incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called up Hugh Grant. Bill asked him "Was it really worth $50 to almost ruin your career?"
Hugh replied "Bill, actually it was worth a million".

So Bill called up Hughes' favourite prostitute, but since she became so famous, her prices had gone up quite a bit. So Bill paid $10,000 for a night with Divine.
In the morning he said, "That was fantastic! Now I know why professionally you call yourself 'Divine'".

She answered "Thank you, and now I know why you call your company Microsoft."

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Some interesting and funny abbrevations

1. INFOSYS : Inferior Offline Systems
2. WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses
4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions
5. C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings
6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating
and Sleeping
7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds
8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines
9. SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
10. PARAM : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of
Microprocessors
11. HP : Hen Pecked
12. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible
13. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort
14. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers
15. BFL : Brainwash First, and Let them go
16. DELL : Deplorable Equipment & Lack Luster
17. TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd
18. PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India
19. PCS: Poor Computers System
20. SPARC : Simply Poor And Redundant Computers
21. SUN : Surely Useless Novelties
22. CRAY : Cry Repeatedly After an Year
23. TUL : Troubles Un Limited
24. CTS : Coffee, Tea and Snacks
25. ICIM : Impossible Computers In Maintenance
26. BPL : Below Poverty Line.
27. NIIT : Not Interested in IT

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Here are some fascinating definitions of computer terminology

Techie: A person who's at ease talking about Linux, Unix, XML, WML, et al, but who forgets to turn on the power, and then wonders why his PC isn't working.

State-of-the-art: Any technology that's unaffordable.

Obsolete: The technology you use.

Microsecond: The time it took for the state-of-the-art technology you were using to become obsolete.

Disk Crash: The best excuse you have in store when you don't meet your deadline.
 

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