EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND
    
You've Got Male!

A work of fan-fiction by:

Dan (urhash)

and

Samantha (sortitout)


Synopsis: Ray uncovers some disturbing truths after Debra reveals someone in her online book club is interested in her.

1 - Opening Vignette

"Hey Bugaboo," Ray Barone announced cheerfully as he walked into the kitchen where his wife Debra was eating breakfast.

"Morning," she replied through a mouthful of food.

He walked over to the refridgerator and surveyed the various cereal boxes.  "Where were you last night?"

"Online."

Ray looked over at her.  "Again?  That's like the third time this week.  What're you doing, looking up porn?"

Debra turned around and rolled her eyes at him.  "Idiot."  She went back to her food.  "If I was, I wouldn't have to spend three days looking for it.  Its like... looking for hay in a haystack."

He laughed and sat down next to her.  "Alright.  So what are you doing online anyways?"

She rubbed her eyes sleepily.  "I found this great online book club, and they have these nightly chats."

"And you'd rather do that than have sex?"

"Might as well be mentally stimulated, if nothing else," Debra quipped with a smile.  She prodded him in the arm just to show she was only joking.

He swallowed a spoonful of raisin bran.  "So what kind of book club is it?"

"Oh, classics of the 20th century," she replied enthusiastically.

Ray dipped his head until his nose almost touched the cereal.  This conversation could get boring rather quickly.  "Oh God."

"Yea yea.  ...So anyways, I was talking to this guy--" Debra began.

Ray interrupted, "Hold up, what do you mean a guy?"

She squinted at him.  "What?  A guy.  Are you saying guys can't read literature?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but held his tongue as he contemplated the notion.  "Well, on second thought, it is possible.  I guess they're just gay."

"Oh stop it.  He's not gay!" exclaimed Debra.

"Okay okay.  We'll just assume he is for the sake of argument," he joked.

Crossing her arms, she asked "Alright, so what's the argument?"

"Who cares?  Why are you talking to guys online in the first place?" he demanded pointedly.

"Ray.  Relax!" Debra said as she reached out for his hand.  "Look, I brought this up because... well, last night when we were in the chatroom he asked me if we wanted to meet up for coffee someplace."

Ray's eyes narrowed immediately.  "And?"

"Well I told him no, of course--"

"What are you doing, woman!?!" he shouted as he stood up and gestured wildly with both hands.

Debra was now clearly confused.  "What do you mean?!!  What did you expect me to do?"

"Why would you let it get to a point where he would even think that?"  Ray exclaimed as he paced around the kitchen, making several gutteral utterances.  "Aaggh... what is wrong with you?"

She sighed and looked up at him.  "Calm down, sheesh.  I didn't think you'd make such a big deal out of it."

"You flirting with guys online isn't a big deal?" Ray shot back testily.  He lea<BR>
ned against the refridgerator and folded his arms in a huff.

"I was not flirting!"

He shook his head and made his way into the living room, searching for the remote.  "You know what?  Just forget it."

Debra followed behind, her face still etched with confusion and irritation.  "No, wait Ray.  I want to know... why don't you believe me?"

"Oh come on, for the past few nights you're holed up in my basement office online.  Now I find out its because guys are asking you out online?"  Ray snapped edgily.  "You don't see me doing that, sister!"

Shifting her body weight, she pointed right at him with a hard look, "Thats because no one would be interested in you, Ray."

Though he didn't respond right away, her words stung him.  Walking over to the door, he threw on a large overcoat and prepared to leave, adding "Yea?  Maybe I'll go find out right now."

"Come on.  Where are you going?" Debra asked.

Ray pursed his lips and opened the door.  "Just thought I might go out... look at the birds."  Pausing lamely for dramatic affect, he added, "That's supposed to have a double meaning, in case you didn't notice."

"Ray... wait--" she began apologetically.  But he had already left.



2 - Gonna Hurl

"All right, I'm coming already!" Robert Barone yelled to the relentless knocking coming from the other side of his front door.  He lived in a moderately spaced apartment in Crown Heights about a mile from Ray and his parents.  Robert walked over to the door and opened it to reveal his younger brother Raymond standing in his doorway.

"What are you doing here?" Robert demanded in annoyed fashion.

Ray pushed past him and into his home.  "I came to hang out with my brutha.  Ya know I thought we could hang out, chill with some fine looking ladies, maybe Jacuzzi it up," he said with an attempted manly demeanor and swagger.

"I don't know what is going on with you, but I don't really care... I'm not in the mood to 'chill with some ladies'," Robert said mockingly as he sat down on his couch.

Walking over to the double sliding glass doors facing the swimming pool, Ray surveyed the area and asked, "What's wrong with you?"

"After my latest disaster I'm thinking of just retiring from dating completely. I think its time I just accept that I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe I could buy a whole bunch of exotic animals and the neighborhood kids could call me the crazy giant animal man."

Ray grinned.  "Yea, you and Nester the Bull can have a whole act."

He glared at him sullenly, still sore about the fact that he had been gored by a bull on duty.

"What happened? Another girl decide to switch teams after going out with ya?" asked Ray.

"Nooooo.... and that only happened one time, man!  Let it go!" Robert said indignantly.  He banged a fist into the couch in reflex.

"Well, then what is it this time?"

"I met this girl and we talked for a bit and I really thought we'd be perfect for each other.  So I asked her out and.... she rejected me," he said with a despondent sigh.

"Man, that's not so bad.  Get back on the horse," Ray said encouragingly as he took a seat next to him.

Robert shook his head.  "Nah, this was my last resort.  And it was humiliating!"

"Last resort?  Where'd you meet this lady, prison?" he asked with a laugh.

"The Internet," Robert said somewhat ashamedly.  "I joined this great online book club for literary classics of the 20th century and we just had so much in common. We both loved the same books, the same authors, we started chatting and I totally felt a connection."

Ray stiffened.  He couldn't really believe what he had just heard.  The two threads dangled dangerously in front of him, tempting him to make the connection that he dare not.

"Really..." he asked, still in shock.  This couldn't be happening.  "A online club for literary classics?"

"Yeah, some of us like to read things other than the back of the Captain Crunch boxes," Robert shot back.

He continued to stare at his brother.  "When exactly did this happen?"

"Well, we talked about three or four times this week.  I found out she was in the area so I asked her last night if she'd like to meet up for coffee someplace, and she turned me down," Robert explained sadly.

How many online book clubs for classics of the 20th century could there be? Ray shook his head in utter disbelief. Debra had been talking to Robert?  Robert.... Robert!??!

"Ugh," Ray mouthed as he held his wrenching stomach.  "Uh, listen, sounds to me like you're better off without this lady.  She sounds pretty mean anyways," he said, still bitter over his recent confrontation with his wife and his newfound knowledge.

"How would you know that?  I haven't even told you anything about her," Robert said as he looked over at his brother.

Ray jumped off the couch.  "Yeah, well I have to go cause I have the distinct feeling if I stay here I'm going to vomit."

Robert watched in utter confusion as his brother left his house.  Did he leave the milk out again?  He sniffed his own armpits just to be sure.

Once outside, Ray's whole body shook in disgust.  "Eww sick, Gahh...." he thought to himself as he made his way back home.  Whoever said a small world was a good thing?



3 - Keeping It Under Wraps

"Well, this is shaping up to be a very nice birthday.  Thank you Ray, for cooking," Debra said as she looked over to her husband sitting next to her at the dinner table.  The whole Barone clan was gathered around the table for Debra's Birthday dinner.  "Or should I say, thank you to Marie for cooking, and you for loving me enough to pretend," Debra finished placing her hand on top of Ray's and giving him a knowing look.

"Me, lie to you on your birthday?  Never," Ray said guiltily.

Simultaneously, Marie replied, "You're welcome, dear."

"Well, that settles that!" Debra said with a laugh.

"I'd like to say a little something," Robert said as he cleared his throat.  The phlegmy ordeal took several seconds and everyone grimaced slightly.

Ray looked at his brother and mentally shook his head.  It had been a week since he found out about him being the one Debra was hobnobbing with on the net and so far he had successfully kept it under wraps.  But now, every time his brother opened his mouth he panicked.  If Ray could figure it out, he was sure Debra eventually would.

"Debra, I hope you've had a wonderful birthday.  My little Brother is one lucky man," Robert stated.  The second sentence ended sourly, despite the words of praise.

"Oh Robbie don't be depressed you will find someone!  Don't let this last little setback stop you..." Marie started to say.

"OH CRAP" Ray thought in a panic.  His Mom knew about Robert's attempts on the internet, and this could lead to disaster.

"What set back?" asked Debra curiously as she put her fork down.

Ray began to violently cough and hack, desperately trying to create a distraction. "I gotta little something in my throat..." Ray said between coughs.

"Drink some water, dear." Marie said calmly.  "As for your question Debra, Robert recently met a lady..."

Of all the times for his mother to finally ignore him, thought Ray.

Time for plan B.

Ray cut in.  "Listen Ma, I don't think Robert really wants to talk about this."

"At this point what do I care.  I'm surprised Debra doesn't know already," Robert said, still in a funk.

"Know what?" Debra asked again.  This was quickly growing confusing for her.

"Robert was rejected by another broad..." Frank the began.

"Does tingling and numbness down one side of your body, mean your having a heart attack?" Ray yelled over his father.

"Dear, do you have tingling and numbness down one side of your body?" Marie said with concern getting out of her chair and going over her son.

Ray looked around and saw his daughter Ally looking at him with worry. Okay, no heart attack.  Time for plan C.

"No, just making sure those are still symptoms of one that's all," he said quickly.

"What is with you, Ray?" Debra asked.

Ray shrugged.  "Nothing, nothing at all!"

"As I was saying before my fairy boy Nancy started in his heart attack crap... See Robert met this, hell I don't even know if met is the right word with the technology crapola today..." Frank began anecdotally.

"You know what would be nice to do?  Lets sing to Debra!" Ray interrupted loudly.

"We already sang, dear.  What are you doing?  Let your father tell the story," Marie piped in.  Again, of all the times for his mother to actually take an interest in what Frank had to say...

"Yeah Ray, let dad tell the story cause its not a party till I've been embarrassed," Robert said dejectedly.

Ray was not going to be stopped.  "Sure we sang her happy birthday.  But did we sing her, her favorite song?"

"I'm not sure how the beginning goes but I do know that part of the song goes a little something like this...."

Everyone stared at Ray in utter confusion as he cleared his throat and began to sing terribly off key.  "...Out of those chains, those chains that bind you, that is why I'm here to remind you. What do you get when you fall in love?  You only get lies and pain and sorrow, so for at least until tomorrow......" Ray stood up and put one foot on his chair.  "I'll never fall in love again, COME ON EVERYBODY!  Don't you know that I'll never fall in love again!"

"Holy Crap, that was awful!  What are you doing, Ray?" Frank shouted as he plugged his index fingers into both ears.

"Seriously, man," Robert echoed as his eyes widened in horror.

Debra eyed her husband warily.  "Hey Marie, Frank, Robert, can you take the kids over to your house. I need to talk with Ray for a minute."

From the tone of Debra's voice, Ray wasn't exactly sure there would be plenty of talking.

"Sure, dear. Come on kids.  Mommy and Daddy need to talk," Marie said uncharacteristically as she began to gather the kids up.  "I'm not sure what's going on with you Raymond but since its Debra's birthday as a present, I will let her handle it.  However; honey I think you have a lovely voice," Marie said as she headed towards the door.

Frank chuckled.  "What in the name of holy crap are you talking about Marie?  Maybe you need to get your freakin' ears checked."

"I can hear you just fine, Frank.  But believe me, I would like nothing more than to wear earmuffs whenever you are around," she shot back testily.

"Don't let me stop you!" hollered Frank as he closed the door behind him.  Just outside, they heard him faintly yell, "And while you're at it, see if you can pick up a two-for-one at the store!"

"Don't think I don't know what's going on here!" Debra immediately shouted as she turned her attention back to her husband.  She rolled up her right sleeve and stalked Ray menacingly as the two began circling the couch.  Picking up the remote she threw it at his head and narrowly missed him.  "How could you ruin my birthday party?"

Tripping over the table leg, Ray fell into the crevice between the sofa and the coffee table.  Looking up helplessly at his wife, he said "Now now, violence isn't the answer..."

Debra scowled and dragged him up to his feet.  "No... it's the question!"  She punched him in the arm.  "And the answer is yes!"

"Stop it!  Just stop it!" he yelled as he rubbed his arm gingerly and backpedalled quickly.  "Honey you have to believe me, I wasn't trying to ruin your party."

"Then what the hell were you doing?"

Ray shook his head and lied.  "I have no idea!"  He just wanted the argument to end.

She glared at him, then plopped down onto the couch with a sour expression, staring blankly at the television.  It wasn't even turned on.

He sighed and took a seat next to her.  "I'm sorry."  He tried to put an arm around her but she shook him off angrily.  "Come on Debra... I only did those things because of you."

"What do you mean because of me?" she demanded, looking up.

Ray chose his words carefully.  "I just wanted to make sure you had a good time tonight and everything was perfect and--"

"Really?" she interrupted with a slight smile.  Debra had a knack for knowing when he was lying, and now he seemed to be telling the truth.  Mostly, anyways.

He smiled back.  "Yea.  Of course."

"So you did all those things to try and get your family to leave?  Is that what you were trying to do?" she asked, looking into his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah of course.  Something like that," Ray lied through his teeth.

Debra gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek.  "Come on, lets clean up down here and go upstairs and celebrate."

"Indeed we should, birthday girl," he joked, chasing her into the kitchen.



4 - A Touch Of Frost

Debra crawled into the bed and under the sheets, wearing silk black lingerie.  Raymond on the other hand simply had on undershirt and boxers.  His priority had always been for clothes that could be easily - and quickly - removed.

He rubbed her cleanly shaven legs and grinned.  "You look nice."

"Mmhmm..." Debra cooed as she snuggled up and gave him a kiss.

He put a hand on the back of her head and massaged it gently.  "I want to ask you though... I mean, does it bother you at all that I don't read all those books and classics and stuff?"

She turned her head curiously.  "What do you mean?"

"I mean, like the guy you were talking to online.  I dunno, do you wish you had married someone who shared more interests with you like that?" Ray asked eagerly.

"Aww, is that what you've been worried about?"  she replied sympathetically.  Debra rubbed his chest warmly.  "No, of course not.  Come on, I married you cause you're you."

"Yea?"  he asked, unconvinced.

"Of course.  Besides, I already knew you were only passably literate when we got married anyways," she joked.

He smiled and leaned in with a long passioniate kiss.  When they pulled apart, she asked, "What about me?"

Ray was already all over her body, unable to contain himself.  "What about you?" he managed.

Debra giggled as he kissed and touched her in all the sensitive places.  "Come on, slow down hon... I mean, do you wish that I were more into sports and watching the games and all that?"

He paused and looked up at her.  "No, of course not.  Now come on, this bra isn't going to get undone by itself..."

Debra held his wrists and put a stop to his efforts, just as he was about to make his presence known to Barnes & Nobles.  "No?  Well what about Jodi then?"

Ray groaned and took a nosedive into his pillow.  "Oh no, not this again..."

"I'm serious!  You went all gaga, talking about how much you liked that you could watch sports with her, and how she was so hot--"

"Hey, I never said that last part!" he interrupted.

Debra shook her head.  "You know what I mean!"

He sighed.  "Look Debra, I have no problem with the fact that you don't like sports.  You've never heard me complain about that!"

"Well you can't have it both ways, do you prefer a woman who likes or doesn't like sports?" she countered with folded arms.

Ray had never wanted a blindfold and a cigarette so bad in his life.  "Gaah... this is nuts!  I can't believe we're having this stupid discussion.  Listen, for Jodi it matched her personality, okay?  I don't see you as the kind of person I watch a football game with, or sit around dinner and talk sports.  You're just not one of them, you know?"

Debra pursed her lips with a sarcastic expression.  "Oh, so I'm not one of them now?"  She rolled away from him and turned off the lamp on her side of the bed.  "Thanks a lot Ray.  This was a great birthday.  You didn't even get me a decent present.  Idiot."

"What?  I got you a top of the line space heater!" Ray protested.  "You said you were cold!"

She didn't bother to respond.

"More like frigid..." he muttered under his breath.

"I heard that!"


5 - Tell Me About It

"Hey, here's your damn laundry," Ray announced as he stepped into Robert's apartment and dumped the basket on the floor.  "Ma says the next time you want your laundry done you pick it up yourself or she's not doing it for you."

Robert scowled.  "Yes, God forbid she have to send Prince Raymond to deliver the goods."

"Hey, don't get mad at me man.  I don't mind getting away from the house," he admitted sourly.  "So what's up?"

Robert walked over to his refridgerator.  "I'm never going online again, that's what's up!"

"What happened?" asked Ray.  He wasn't aware anything new had come up.

Robert popped open a new ginger ale and offered another to his brother.  "Get this, man- I'm talking to TinyDancer44 and--"

Ray squinted.  "To who?"

"Oh, that's her screenname," he explained.

"I see.  Sounds familiar," Ray commented.

"So anyways, I was talking to her and I figured we can at least be friends right?  You know, chat it up, that kind of thing," suggested Robert.  He paused as he waited for the rational response.

"Yea, I suppose so," Ray answered warily.

Robert slammed his ginger ale on the counter.  "Wrong! The woman is out of her mind!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked a confused Ray.  It bothered him slightly that Robert was unwittingly insulting his wife, but he had to admit he agreed with him for the most part.

"The more I talked to her, the more irritating she became.  It was like with Joanne, you remember?  The conversation would start normal enough, but each time it was like a full moon would come out and all of a sudden I'm talking with an animal," Robert ranted to no end.

Taking a seat on the couch, Ray found the whole tale amusing, to say the least.

Robert took another slug of ginger ale and sat next to him.  "I don't know what I saw in her in the first place.  Last night she's attacking me, asking me all these crazy questions.  Then if I disagree with her, she says, 'So you're saying you're not my friend?'  She's nuts!"

Ray whistled and flicked on the TV.  "Wow.  At least you found out sooner than I did."

"What do you mean?"

"Well with Debra, that didn't happen until after the marriage," he explained slowly, indulging in his own humor.

Robert laughed.  "Heh.  Marriage.  Boy, I feel sorry for whomever marries her."

Ray looked over at his brother, than back at the TV.  "Yeap.  Me too..."



6 - Closing Vignette

Debra walked across Ray's basement office and leaned up the stairwell.  "Ray, get down here, now!"

Moments later, he minced down the steps with an orange popsicle in hand.  "What?  I'm watching the game."

She gave him an angry glare and pointed at the computer screen.  "What the hell is this?

Ray brushed past her and took a look.  There was an empty chatroom box with an error message splayed over it that read "Parental Control Block: Access To Java Chatrooms Disabled".  He tried to stifle a laugh as he turned to face his wife.  "Well um, you know with all the porn you've been downloading I thought--"

"Ray!"

He shrugged.  "Look I just thought you shouldn't be in all these chatrooms until you can learn to uh... control yourself better."

Debra rolled up both her sleeves and stepped forward confrontationally.  Taking one good swing she knocked his popsicle right out of his hand and into the heater.

"My popsicle!  Its melting..." he groaned as he looked over her shoulder.  Ray began towards the heater but she shoved him so forcefully that he fell backwards and landed on the single sofa seat.

"Oh you've got bigger problems right now, Mister," Debra spat as she loomed over him.

Ray grinned playfully.  "You're cute when you talk dirty, my little Bond girl..."

She leaned all the way forward until she was right up in his face.  "You listen to me, Ray.  I will be coming back down here in an hour after I put Ally and the twins to bed.  Now I want that computer to be fixed when I use it again, do you understand?  You are not going to cut off my only, that's right- only, source of intellectual stimulation in this household!"  Debra gave him one last look of fury, then turned to leave.

As she stomped her way up the stairs, Ray muttered to himself, "Stupid information age..."