EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND
The Honeymoon

A work of fan-fiction by:
Samantha
and
Dan


Synopsis: Debra characteristically accuses Ray of being unappreciative towards her, and their argument brings back memories of the events that occured during their Honeymoon.

Note: In order to set the mood for Chapter 2 and 3, we recommend a song called "Salsa De Noche", by Gipsy Kings [Album: Compas].

1 - Opening Vignette

Raymond Barone and his wife Debra were sitting in their living room watching television with his parents Frank and Marie.  Thus far, the day had gone by uneventfully and peacefully until Frank's stomach got the best of him and his characteristic rude behavior broke the silence.

"Marie, chips!"

"Frank, they're right on the table," Marie replied, pointing to the coffee table.

"Marie, chips!" he repeated again, this time more loudly and obnoxiously.

Marie shook her head and glared at her husband.  "What's the matter with you, do you have a motor problem?"

"I don't know, do you have a hearing problem?" he shot back sarcastically.  "Chips!"

Marie leaned further back on the couch and folded her arms.  "I'm not some call girl!  You get your damn chips yourself!"

Frank leaned forward with a sour expression as though he were about to vomit.  "How about I get the chips this time and you promise never to use that phrase again!"

"You can them yourself from now on," she stated firmly.

Frank shrugged with regret as he began munching on the chips with the bowl on his lap.  "Well then tonight's dinner better be something else or you're about to outlive your usefulness!  Where's Harriet Lichtman's phone number when you need it?"

"I don't like that, Frank!" Marie spat.

"Hey, I'm just giving you women something to do," he continued arrogantly.  "If you didn't cook and bring me things, your lives would be meaningless."

Turning to her daughter in law, Marie asked, "Debra, do you have anything to say about this?"

She took one look at Frank and simply said, "Idiot."

"Hey, I thought that was my nickname!" Ray interjected as he looked up from his newspaper.

Debra walked over behind his rocking chair and tossled his hair.  "That's riiiight, you're still my little idiot," she said, grabbing him by the hair and snapping his head back as she said the last word.


After Frank and Marie had left for the afternoon, Debra went into the kitchen to begin preparing dinner while Ray continued to watch sports on television. 

The phone suddenly rang out.  Ray didn't budge.  "Debra, phone!"

It continued to ring.  "Debra, get the ph--"  He turned in time to see his wife hovering directly above him next to the couch.  Ray looked up and found an angry glare staring back at him.  "...Hey.  The uhm, phone was--"

The ringing finally stopped.  "What, so you're taking cue from your father now?  I'm just here to serve you?"

Ray blinked and shrugged in utter confusion.  "Whaat?  Where did this come from?"

She scrunched her nose and imitated him sarcastically, "Debra, phone!  Marie, chips!"  She scowled.  "You're just like your father!"

He held up his hands in defense.  "Woh woh, lets not say things we can't take back here.  Come on Deb, you know I didn't mean it like that.  You just happened to be in the kitchen when the phone was ringing."

"Just like you happen to be at the golf course when the kids want to go to the zoo?" Debra fired back.

"What the hell are you talking about?  Why're we even arguin--"  he paused.  Sighing in despair, he observed aloud, "Christ, I think we've been around my parents too long..."  He looked up at her.  "I mean, its my parents right?  You saw them arguing and now you're turning a little thing into something its not..."

"No, its not about your parents.  But you know what?  Marie's right.  You never appreciate me!"

Uh oh.  It was that topic again.  Damn parents, he thought to himself.  They probably caused as many fights between Debra and him as they did with each other.  Ray stood up and tossed the remote back onto the couch.  He knew he had to act fast to salvage the situation before it turned into a fight that lasted weeks.  "Come on, I appreciate you!"

She rolled her eyes.  "Heh, yea, sure.  When's the last time you said that, our honeymoon?"

"Hey, that should count!  I showed you how much I appreciated you during that, if you know what I mean..." he responded saucily.

"Whatever," Debra mumbled as she turned to leave.

"Hey, I don't know what you're scoffing at, cause you seemed to enjoy it too.  Besides, don't you remember...?" he began slowly as the memories came flooding back.


2 - Welcome To Spain
{ 13 Years Ago }

C�diz, Spain

"Ooh la la," said Ray as he looked around, the words rolling off his tongue.  He had just gotten out of the airport and into the city of C�diz with his new wife Debra in tow.  It was originally her idea to visit Spain for their honeymoon, and though initially reluctant he now had to admit it was a truly beautiful place.

Debra smiled and squeezed his hand tightly, unable to contain her excitement.  "This place is so romantic!"  She pointed to a building just across the street.  "That's where we're staying, the Barossa Palace."

Once inside, they found the lobby of the hotel to be of modern design, with ivory marble floor decorated with tropical plants.  Soft light came from the small protruding pockets on the slabs of each of the six poles that lined the interior.  A short mousy hotel employee came up and greeted the couple with a smile.  "�Recepci�n a C�diz, Espa�a!  Mi nombre es Paco Ramirez."

Ray blinked.  "What?"

Debra laughed and nodded in return.  She wasn't fluent but had learned quite a bit of conversational spanish back when she was working for the PR firm in Long Island.  "Gracias!  Mi llamo Debra Barone y �ste es Raymond."

Ray couldn't help but wonder what he was getting himself into.

"Entiendo que usted est� en su luna de miel.  Usted parece muy hermoso, mi se�ora.  �Su marido es un hombre muy afortunado!" Paco continued as he handed them their room keys and location pamphlets.

Although Debra couldn't make out all of what he had said, she understood enough to know it was a very flattering compliment.  She blushed and giggled skittishly as she picked up her luggage again.

Ray held his hands up in confusion.  "What?  What'd he say?  Tell me what he said!  Debra!"  he called out in dismay.  He rifled through his English-Spanish dictionary in search of the answer.

"Just wait till I find the spanish word for pervert," Ray mumbled as Debra dragged him into the elevator.

******

"Ray for the love of God put some pants on!" cried out Debra as she came out of the bathroom and into their large bridal suite. "You're turning into your father," she added sourly.

Ray had been lying on the large bed for the past hour watching television.  He looked up at her.  "No I'm not-- wait a second... Holy Crap!" he joked.

She rolled her eyes and continued unpacking their clothes and filing them away into the closet.  "Come on, I'm serious.  Get dressed, lets go out."

"Are you kidding?  I can't believe the shows that this TV gets.  Isla de Gilligan!" he exclaimed enthusiastically as he turned up the volume.

"Ray!" Debra shouted over the television.  She grabbed the remote and hit the power button.

"Hey!"  Ray sighed and then grinned at her.  "You know Deb, I've been doing some measurements and this bed actually has room for four..."

Shaking her head in disgust, she replied, "Then maybe you should've brought Gianni, Andy and Bernie along so the four of you can have a romantic honeymoon!"

"Actually, I was thinking of Amy, Lisa--"

Debra made a threatening gesture with the remote.  "You should stop right there if you know what's good for you."

"Alright, alright.  We don't have to watch TV but can't we just stay here?  Its nice here," he whined in protest.

"Ray, I've already planned out the whole day.  We have lunch downstairs, then we walk through the town by the ocean, then there's the art museum.  The museum closes at four o'clock, and I don't want to be late," she insisted as she began dragging him out of the bed.  "Will you get up already?"

"Fine, we'll go out and do the stupid museum thing," Ray relented at last.

Debra sighed in frustration.  "It's not stupid!  This is what people do on their honeymoons.  What, do you just want to stay in here all day and have sex?"

He held up his hands as if he were explaining a complex scientific problem.  "Debra, you don't seem to understand.  When they build us guys on the assembly line, they don't program us with what to do on all these... uhm, femin-a-ninal hooplas..."

She threw her hands up in defeat, unable to comprehend his stupidity.  "This isn't about what women want to do, Ray!  It's our honeymoon- it's for us!!"

Avoiding her eyes, he jerked his head slightly and replied, "Well I can tell you no guy wants to visit the Museo de la Tostitos, or whatever the hell it's called."

"Idiot," Debra muttered for the first time.  It would not be the last time she bequeathed this distinction upon her new husband.


3 - Incantare

The two had begun walking peacefully along the Campo del Sur oceanside, taking in the warm presence of the sun, the bustling activity of the city denizens, and the beauty of the town.

"You recognize what I'm wearing?"  asked Debra with an eager smile.  She had her arm linked around Ray's and leaned against him slightly as they ambled along.

The two slowed down and stood by a ledge overlooking the warm sea.  Ray turned to his wife and took her measure.  "I dunn-- hey, isn't that the same red outfit you wore when we first met at your apartment?"

Debra grinned from ear to ear, pleased with the response.  "Yeah, you remembered!  I thought it would be nice to wear today.  Do you like it?"

Ray slipped both hands in his pockets.  "I'll tell you, I can't understand a word these people here are saying, but I can tell you something in a language I do know... e voi, incantare di sguardo di Debra," he finished in Italian.

She tilted her head curiously and leaned back against the ledge.  "What does that mean?"

"You look enchanting..." he translated shyly.  It was always easier in Italian.

"You should come here," said Debra suggestively, her heart warmed by his words.  She took him by the collar and tugged him against her until their bodies met, followed by their lips.