EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND
The First Date
A work of fan-fiction by:
Samantha (Sortitout)
and
Dan (urhash)
Synopsis: Ray must attempt to reconcile with his wife after she accuses him of cheating on the job, and in the process brings back memories of their first date.
Story continued from: "Occupational Hazard"
1 - Opening Vignette
"Debra, wait!" Ray Barone shouted uselessly. His wife had already left and there was nothing he could do to explain what she had just seen.
Jodi, Ray's new personal assistant dusted herself off the ground and got up. "What was that all about?"
Ray shook his head gravely. "This is bad. This is very, very, very bad."
"I'm sorry, Ray. I didn't know this would happen. I mean, I thought you were interested in me..."
He looked up at his assistant and sighed. It never occured to him that Jodi would get the wrong impression from his deliberate scheme to manipulate Debra. "I know. I'm sorry, it was all just a huge mistake. I didn't mean to give you the wrong idea."
She nodded quietly.
"Listen, Jodi I'm sorry but I don't think that we can work together anymore," Ray said at last. He glanced at the door in desperation, wondering how far Debra had gotten.
As he began to head out, Jodi called out, "Wait, where are you going?"
"Uhm, don't worry about it. Talk to Mildred on your way out, she'll give you a recommendation--" his voice trailed off as he was already halfway down the hallway.
Jodi pursed her lips and shrugged, now alone in Ray's office. "Damnit! Thought I had myself a promotion there!"
As Ray peered in through the window frame of his back door, he saw Debra repeatedly bashing in a piece of dough with the roller. Perhaps this isn't the best time, he thought to himself. Oh well, beggars can't be choosy, and I sure as hell have a whole lot of begging to do.
Muttering a few curses under his breath, Ray turned the doorknob and walked in. He almost turned right back around when he saw the glare Debra gave him as she looked up.
"Um.....listen Deb... I know you're upset. But what you saw today--" began Ray.
She gestured with the dough roller. "Yes Ray, I have two eyes, I know what I saw! Now GET OUT!"
"No, no... it wasn't what--"
Debra cut him off sharply. "Don't give me that 'it wasn't what it looked like' cliche crap. What, you think we're in some TV show, Ray? Well I don't want to hear it! Now BEAT IT before I really start to yell and wake the whole house up!"
Ray sighed in frustration. "Okay, okay... I just want you to know--" He stopped short when Debra suddenly started towards him with the dough roller, yelling for him to leave. She didn't stop until the door slammed shut and he was completely out of sight. Slumping down against the kitchen counter, she dropped the roller and slowly curled up into a ball.
Debra had no tears to cry. She rarely chose to express her pain in that manner, as she often masked it with anger and denial...
2 - No Sympathy From The Family Circus
As Raymond entered through the backdoor of his parents home - right across the street from his own - he found them all gathered at the dinner table. His brother Robert had also joined them.
Ray began sheepishly, "Hey everyone. Umm... looks like I'll have to be staying here for awhile, so could I have my old room back?"
Raymond's mother, Marie walked over and hugged him warmly. "Well of course you can, dear. Did something happen with Debra?"
Frank Barone looked up from his dinner. "Who cares? You have your own house, Nancy. Stop whining over here and take back your castle," he commented obnoxiously with a mouthful of food.
Ray rolled his eyes. "Okay dad." He turned back to his mother and explained, "Eh, Debra's all jealous over my new assistant. Long story."
Robert squinted. "So Debra is now interested in women?"
"No you idiot, she's jealous because she thinks I'm interested in Jodi."
"Ohh, okay. Just didn't seem likely that she would ever be jealous over anything regarding you," Robert said coldly.
"Ha... ha, very funny Robert," Ray mocked. He took a seat on the kitchen table and began helping himself to some food.
"Poor Debra," said Marie sadly. She held the thought for about a quarter of a second. "So tell me, what do you think of Jodi? Do you really like her?" inquired Marie in her usual nosy manner.
"Ma!"
She shrugged innocently. "Can't I be interested in my son's love life?"
"Jeez ma, you make it sound like I've dumped Debra for my assistant," Ray commented disgustedly.
Marie smiled sweetly. "I'm just trying to support your decision."
"Well its not! So just stop it right there. Debra's mad cause that's what she thinks too, but its not what happened."
Frank put down his sandwich and stared blankly at his son. "Get to the damn point, what the hell happened then?"
Ray took a deep breath and looked around the room. "Well... I was in my office and Jodi came in. We began to talk, and she started to get all-- I dunno, saucy on me, and then she tried to get up close to me, but I put my hands up you know, to tell her to stop, and then Debra walks in and I guess she thought I was um, rubbing her... you know."
His brother nodded thoughtfully. "Oh, I see Raymond. Debra mistook your giving Jodi a frontal massage as a sexual gesture..."
"Robert. Shutup," muttered Ray.
Robert put on a face of mock understanding. "Its okay Ray, these things happen." He paused for a moment as he pretended to search his memory. "You know, one time I was wrestling with a female friend of mine and I accidently ripped all her clothes off by mistake, we were grabbing everything, everywhere, and she looked at me and said 'Robert, are you trying to have sex with me?' I stopped and told her 'no, no of course not, its just a big misunderstanding.'" As he finished his joke, his face turned into a twisted grin.
Marie wagged a finger at her son. "I don't like that, Robert!"
Frank began to cackle with laughter. "Come on Ray, what do you think this is, TV? You expect Debra to believe that your assistant was trying to seduce you?"
"She was!!" protested Ray as he banged the table.
Marie only shook her head as Robert joined in on the laughter. Ray knew all too well that this was going to be a very, very long week.
3 - Its A Massacre In There!
{ The Following Day }
If anyone had been inside the home of the Barones, it would have been hard to miss the dark shadow cast by the visage of Raymond peering in through the front window. To his benefit, seeing no one home and knowing the kids were gone to kindergarten, he quietly let himself in.
Attempting to imitate his brother's hoarse bass voice, he called out "Anyone home?"
Hearing no response, he minced up the stairs and into his bedroom. He wasn't sure how long Debra would stay mad at him, but he needed a few weeks worth of clothes just in case. To his absolute horror, when he opened the door to his bedroom he found it in complete disarray. Glass was strewn on the floor, all of the drawers with his clothes were completely pulled out, and all his shirts and pants were ripped to shreds.
To the untrained eye, it might've looked like a robbery. But Raymond knew better. This was calculated and deliberate- this was Debra.
"What the--- holy crap she's gone psycho..." he muttered to himself.
At that moment, Debra Barone strolled in with a fresh scissor in hand.
Raymond yelped and fell back down onto the floor in shock. "Gah, don't kill me! Don't kil--"
She rolled her eyes in disgust and turned around to leave.
Peeling himself off the ground, he yelled "Debra, wait! Don't go!"
Though she ignored his protests, he ran over and grabbed her by the arm. Debra swung around with her other hand that grasped the scissors, but Ray managed to wrestle it from her. Now he held both her hands in a tight grip. "Just wait, okay?! Come on, don't do this--"
The two began to struggle furiously. "Let go of me you two-timing--"
"Stop it--"
"Idiot--"
"Deb--"
"Stupid--"
Tripping over the debris on the floor their skirmish wound up on the bed where their fight resumed. Debra, who was now on top grabbed one of his torn plaid shorts and tried to rub his face in it. Still unable to see, Ray finally bear hugged her right up against him so she couldn't move. She continued shouting in hysterics and squirming violently, but he refused to give.
When he managed to shake the torn shirt that had been covering his face, Ray looked down and found Debra wasn't in hysterics.
She was crying. Softly.
He couldn't think of any words to console her, though he managed to stammer "I-I'm sorry."
Debra sniffled, but didn't respond.
Ray sighed and thought for a long moment. "Look, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Nothing happened with Jodi... I was just-- I was-- I don't know, I was trying to make you... want me more around the house by having you think I was interested in Jodi. But I wasn't!"
She took a moment to compute what he was saying. "What the hell are you talking about?"
He winced. Going into details always meant more incriminating evidence. "You know, the golfing, the staying late at work. I thought, that if you thought I was--"
"Wait a minute you were purposely trying to get me jealous?!"
Ray shrugged, still holding her in his arms. "Well I wouldn't say purposely..."
"Why the hell would you do that?" Debra demanded.
"I don't know!"
"What about what I saw in the office?!" Debra asked angrily.
"That was still innocent on my part. Well, not so much on hers, she was getting all close to me and I was pushing her away. I told her after you left that she was fired," stated Ray, hoping to get through to his wife.
She shook her head, still flustered. "You know Ray, I believe you, I'm not sure why but I do. I'm still mad that you would use that girl to make me jealous..." She paused. "Still, I guess we're even since you have no clothes left."
"Yeah, thanks."
She looked up at him. "I just don't understand why you would do something like that!"
Trying to avoid her piercing gaze, he said "I-- I dunno, I guess I just..."
"What?"
"I miss my wife," he said at last, rather quietly.
She squinted. "What the hell are you talking about? I'm home all the time."
Ray sighed. He certainly didn't have a way with words. "Yeah, you're here, here, but-- what I mean is-- I miss my wife." For lack of anything better, he repeated the same words, but this time he saw her features soften up considerably.
Debra now understood that it was his strange, monosyllabic way of saying that he actually wanted to spend more time with her. She shook her head. Only Raymond could come close to breaking her heart just to say something so simple. But, it was Raymond, after all. His words took some of the edge off her frustration, but not her anger.
Tilting his head right, Ray peered at another object lying on the bed with him. "What's this?"
"What?"
For the first time, he let one hand go of her and reached for the items. Shifting his eyes into focus, he held it above him and saw that it was a ticket stub, a receipt from Cipriani's, and a piece of cloth from a blouse. It had to be, for it had a feminine design and color. "This is from our first date, isn't it?"
She smiled a little. "Yes, it is."
He rubbed the swatch of cloth between his fingers. "This is what you wore..."
"You remembered?" Debra reached for it and sniffed it.
"Of course, are you kidding?" Ray said as he looked at the stub and the receipt. "That was so long ago, why did you keep these?"
"Well I was going to burn all of it until I came up with Plan B with the scissors," she said with an cruel smile.
Ray wasn't really paying attention, lost in thought. "Wow, I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was so nervous and...."
4 - Cubby Stubble
{ Sixteen Years Earlier }
�Get out of my way! Get out of my way!� Raymond screamed as he ran down the hall of his parents home, pushing his older brother Robert out of the way.
�Watch it big nose!� screamed Robert as he collided into a row of plants.
Ray barely heard him as he reached his brother�s bathroom. �Shaving cream. Ineedshavingcream!� Ray said frantically as he dove into Robert's medicine cabinet throwing things left and right over his shoulder.
Robert walked into the bathroom and saw the spectacle before him. �What the hell do you think your doing cubby!� he yelled.
�No time for cubby business! I need shaving cream,� Ray hollered. He turned and grabbed his brothers shoulders and began to shake him furiously. �Tell me you have shaving cream, man!�
Robert looked at him as though he were crazy. Bending down, he grabbed a bottle of shaving cream Ray had thrown on the floor. �Calm down turbo. It�s right here. What�s with you?� Robert asked.
�Thank god!� Ray shouted as he snatched the shaving cream from Roberts hands.
�Oh I know what this is about. Cubby has his first date with the naked girl tonight!� Robert said with a devilish smile. He was referring to the fact that Ray had already seen Debra in the nude accidently on their first encounter.
�Hey shut up. Don�t call her that Ass face, her name is Debra. You are not allowed to call her �naked girl� In fact you aren�t allowed to call her anything.�
�Do you want me to let you use my shaving cream or not?� Robert said as he snatched the shaving cream back from Ray.
�Okay fine man you can call her Debra," Ray relented, snagging the shaving cream back.
�What are you so nervous about man. From what I�ve heard you�ve already seen this girl naked and you�ve gotten tongue. You�re in man!�
�Okay first of all you are one sick man. �Tongue�? What are we 15? Second, how the hell did you know that?�
�Your friends Bernie and Gianni, man. Their mouths are as wide as the hole in their head,� quipped Robert.
Ray shook his head, appalled. �They told you?�
�Yes they did. But Ray I have to say I�m a little hurt you didn�t tell me on your own. We are brothers after all. Ya� know what though, this Debra she is really pretty. You think you can take it, Raymond? Its different with pretty girls... you don�t want to mess it up by acting like an idiot on the first date, tongue or no tongue, its a tough world out there,� Robert said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice, hoping to get a reaction.
�Okay I�d love to stay and have this mind numbingly retarded discussion but unlike you, I have a date. So why don�t you go down stairs and settle in to your night of snuggling on the couch watching Remington Steele with mom,� Ray said as he pushed Robert out of the way and walked through the door firmly gripping the can of shaving cream.
He had a date with the most beautiful woman he�d ever seen and he wasn�t going to let Robert or any of the rest of his family stop him from having a great night.
5 - The First Date
Ray held open the door for Debra as she walked into the lobby of the restaurant where they had their dinner reservation. She looked absolutely stunning and he couldn't help but keep his eyes trained on her. She wore a simple black dress with her hair pinned back, the delicate curls framing her face.
Still amazed that he actually had a chance with a woman like Debra, Ray was determined to make sure that it would be a perfect night.
"Here let me take your coat," Ray offered as he reached out and helped Debra. "I'm just going to go check these. Stay right here," smiling as he started to walk towards the coat check.
As Ray walked away, he occasionally glanced over his shoulder just to remind himself that he wasn't dreaming and that he really was on a date with the beautiful woman that stood by the hostess stand.
He was so preoccupied with thoughts of Debra, that he almost failed to notice the Janitor's sanitation bucket until it was only a few feet before him. Stopping short, his hands flailed out wildly, causing him to drop his date's jacket right into the dirty bucket. Having regained his balance, Ray realized to his horror what had just transpired. Looking down, he found Debra's suede jacket swirling and sinking into a burbling mess of discolored water.
Having seen Ray nearly tripping from where she stood, Debra ran over quickly. "Are you okay?" she asked with concerned.
"I'm fine. But your jacket..." Ray started.
"Oh my God, my jacket," Debra realized as she gazed downward and saw her soaked jacket. Regaining her composure she continued, "Don't worry about it, it was an accident."
"I'm so sorry. You have no idea. I'll buy you a new one. Heck, two! I'm really sorry!" Ray sputtered, embarrassed with himself.
"That's not necessary, I didn't even like it that much," she replied in an attempt to assuage his anguish.
"But when we got in the car you said it was your favorite coat," Ray responded.
Debra tilted her head to one side and dreamed up a lie. "What I meant was my favorite coat, of my least favorite coats. So I like it best of the jackets I like least..." she answered lamely, not even making much sense to herself. It was indeed her favorite jacket, but being an accident she didn't want him feel any worse than he already was.
"Why don't we give this to the concierge to do something with and start our date," Debra said with a sweet smile.
Holding out the chair for Debra, Ray waited until she was seated before he made his way to his own chair. Candles lit the center of every table in the room, along with a beautiful crystal vase of flowers.
He gave the menu a cursory inspection. "Everything looks good. Any idea what you might want?" Ray asked casually.
"I know what I want, I've been craving shrimp for days. The second I opened the menu the scampi practically called to me," she replied with a light smile.
"How about to drink, would you like a bottle of wine?" he asked in desperation, hoping to impress her.
"Wine sounds great!"
The waiter walked up to the table and got a closer look at the man now made famous for having dropped his date's jacket in the janitors bucket. It was all over the restaurant by now and he had to muster up all his professionalism just to keep a straight face as he asked for their order. "Hello my name is Anthony and I will be your server tonight, can I start you off with a beverage or are you ready to order?" the waiter asked.
"Ladies first..." replied Ray suavely.
Debra smiled at him. "Okay, I will have the Shrimp Scampi."
"Yes, first can I have a bottle of your finest red wine.�" Ray started nervously. That is what you are supposed to say at these places, right? he wondered to himself before he continued.
"No problem, sir."
"And to eat I will have the Fil-let Mig-nonn," Ray said quickly as he completely butchered the pronunciation.
The waiter stared at him for a long moment. "Oh! The Filet Mignon!" Anthony laughed as he corrected him.
Realizing his error, Ray's face quickly turned red in embarassment. It didn't help that even Debra was trying to stifle her laughter and amusement.
"Right.... well, anyway, I will go ahead and put your order in. The wine shall be out momentarily," the waiter finished as he walked away from the table.
"Our waiter looked so familiar, I think I've seen him in a commercial or something," Debra began in the hopes of breaking the silence that had overtaken the table.
Still embarassed from the incident, Ray welcomed the change of topics. "You know what, I think you are right! He's the guy who can't open the Ginger Ale, until he buys the new easy to open bottle!" he laughed.
"You are so right, that is it! How funny, that is so like New York- no one is just a waiter its always the day job," she said with a shake of her head.
"You know what commercial makes me suicidal? I swear the only reason I would buy this product is to feel better about the thirty seconds wasted from my life every time I see it..." Ray began humorously.
Debra laughed. "No, which one?" He was unique in a variety of ways- some good, some bad- but his innocent sense of humor was a true gem that she couldn't help but be attracted to.
"The one for Tide with the old men complaining about stains, until the Fairy Stain Mother comes and helps them out. Fairy Stain Mother, seriously what is that?!?" he joked with laughter.
"Oh yea, that one..." Debra said softly as she looked down at her hands.
"Do you like that one?" asked Ray. She didn't seem amused. "Maybe I just didn't get it."
"Well, I sort of came up with the concept. I'm in charge of the Tide account at my PR firm," she answered awkwardly.
He winced and tensed his stomach. "...I'm an idiot." answered Ray stupidly. Things weren't exactly going according to plan thus far.
Debra sought to change the subject. "So you want to be a sportswriter..."
The two began to talk about Ray's aspirations of being a writer, followed by a discussion on Debra's family. She talked about how she grew up, where she went to college and her career in PR. Ray fell in love with both her beauty and the way she spoke. Her passion and animated manner was intensely appealing, and he felt as though he could just watch her speak for days and be perfectly content.
There was hope for the evening after all.
Ray was knocked out of the spell that she had worked on him when he heard an all too familiar voice.
"Excuse me, do you know where I can find a Mr. Raymond Barone. He should be here on a date, right now," he heard a woman ask the mai'tre'd.
Ray stole a quick glance across the room and saw his mother as clear as day. "Oh my God," he angrily whispered under his breath.
"What?" she asked in confusion.
He hid his face behind the desert menu. "Nothing. Sorry, go on."
"What's going on. Why are you covering your face, Ray?" Debra asked with a hint of annoyance.
"Uh the light is shining a bit to much in my eyes," he lied.
She looked him in the eyes. "Ray, this place is mostly candle lit. What light?"
Ray didn't answer.
"Come on, put it down."
"Okay, I will but I'm telling you right now me putting this desert menu down can lead to nothing good," came the dejected replied as he submitted to her request.
Before the menu even touched the table, his mother began practically running towards them.
"There you are Rayme!" Marie Barone practically shouted as she reached the table.
"Ma, What in the hell are you doing here?" he demanded.
Marie smiled. "Well, I was in your room putting away your underwear..."
"MA!" Ray yelled out loud, cutting her off. Several of the other diners looked up from their table momentarily.
"Anyway, I found your wallet and I figured you would need it," Marie finished as she put the wallet down on the table next to Ray.
Debra raised both eyebrows and chimed in, "Oh that is so thoughtful of you."
"Thanks dear, you're Debra right? Its so nice to see you again!" said Marie with a sweet voice.
"Yes, it's nice to see you again as well," offered Debra. Her thoughts began to wonder on why she was following her son on his date, but she put it out of mind for now.
Meanwhile, Ray took the opportunity to examine the wallet. "Ma, this is my old wallet. Didn't you notice how there's nothing inside this one?"
"No, I didn't," she replied not-so-innocently as her voice wavered.
"How about the fact that the Velcro doesn't stick anymore and it has Batman on the front?!" countered Ray angrily as he waved the wallet in her face.
"Okay, I made a mistake! You don't have to get upset dear. I guess I'll go home now...not that I have much to go home to..." said Marie with a deep sigh and lonely expression. Her tone and longing practically begged for an invitation.
"You could join us if you'd like," suggested Debra reluctantly at last.
"That would be love-" Marie started.
Ray cut in immediately. "But she couldn't possibly, right ma? You have a lot to do tomorrow, and need your rest. Don't You?" he said firmly, accentuating the last question.
"Well, not really," his mother began as she pulled up a chair.
Ray gave his mother an unmistakable look of fury and irritation just under the surface. She looked at her son and sighed. She would leave alright- but this wasn't over. When Marie had first seen Debra, she had told Raymond that this wasn't the girl for him. She had never felt that way more than she did at this moment. Now this Debra was taking her son away from her.
"I suppose you are right. I should go and rest. Night dears," Marie huffed as she left.
6 - Lost, Sir?
Ray sighed and looked up at Debra. "If you want to leave now I would completely understand."
"Don't be so hard on yourself. Despite all those things you're a really nice guy. I wouldn't say luck was on your side... but still a very nice guy," she responded softly, gazing at him intently.
"You do?" he asked in amazement. He thought all that was left was to pick up the check and throw himself off the Verrazano Bridge.
"Yeah, I do. I say we forget about all those things and go dance," said Debra, motioning to the dance floor with her hands.
"I have to warn you. I'm not a good dancer," Ray said hesitantly. He didn't think dancing was the best way to improve the evening.
"You don't have to be." She stood up and held out her hand before he could respond, putting him in a difficult position to refuse. He stood up slowly and reached for her hands. As if on cue a new song began and the two began to sway awkwardly to the music.