EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND
    
A Dreamy Affair

A work of fan-fiction by:

Dan (urhash)

and

Samantha (sortitout)


Synopsis: Ray can't deal with the fact that Debra has a dream where she has an affair with another man.



1 - Opening Vignette

Ray Barone always enjoyed traveling to different parts of New York to cover the various games for Newsday.  He was able to have a day or two to be alone in a hotel and get his work done uninterrupted.

Unfortunately, his editor had assigned Andy to tag along for this particular assignment. 

Walking out of the shower half naked, Andy held several bottles of soap and shampoo in one hand and a towel in the other.  "Hey Ray, do you think they'll notice if I take these?"

Ray whined a few notes and slumped further in the bed.  "Andy, what the hell are you doing?"

Plopping on his own bed, Andy reached for the remote and began furiously flipping channels.  "Hey forget ESPN Ray, I'll show you what single's life is all about!"

Rubbing his eyes sleepily, he replied "What, lying half-naked in a hotel watching the playboy channel?  Andy, I hope you're not--- ANDY!  They're gonna charge us for that!  What's Bill going to say when he has to fork over an extra $30 cause you wanted to watch 'Men in Back'."

Andy shut off the TV and looked over at his friend.  "It wasn't 'Men in Back.'  What's the matter Ray?  You look depressed."

"You're worse than my wife, you know that?" Ray commented mopily.

"What?  I thought if anything I was more fun.  Come on, at least I encourage you to look at naked babes while I nag you."

"Yea yea yea..." replied Ray, turning over to face away from Andy.

He turned the TV back on.  "That's like the fifth time you've mentioned Debra today.  If you miss her so much why don't you just give her a call?"

Ray turned back around and raised one hand questioningly.  "Are you kidding?  I'm married, man.  I'm not even sure I would call her if a nuclear war broke out."

Hitting the mute button, Andy grinned, "I'm just saying man, if I had a wife who was that hot, I wouldn't be able to wait--"

"Okay, okay!  Shut up already!  You've been saying she's hot for 20 years now.  Don't you and the guys ever get tired of that?" shouted Ray as he put both sides of the pillow over his ears.  "Besides, I bet she's thinking of me right now."


Debra Barone was sound asleep and all alone on the queen sized bed of her home that she shared with her husband Ray.  Late in the night, she was now tossing and turning with great force, grabbing her pillow and hugging it tightly.

"Mmm... Johnny ... yes, right on ... the table." Debra murmured to herself sensually.

The phone rang out shrilly and woke Debra up from her dream. "What the hell?" she said sleepily as she reached over the nightstand to snatch up the phone. "Hello?"  She was still a bit out of breath and barely awake.

"Hey sweetie." She heard Ray say on the other line.

"Ray? Why are you calling, its late.  I was asleep," Debra managed as she tried to regulate her breathing.

"I just wanted to say hi," Ray chirped.

"Well, say Hi tomorrow when I'm awake," sneered Debra - still not fully aware of her surroundings -- as she slammed the phone down. "Great, now I get to dream about Ray," she muttered disappointedly.

She snuggled against the pillow with her eyes closed, and almost immediately was back asleep-though the dream would not come to pass again.

Back in the hotel, Ray hung up the phone and looked over his shoulder.  "See what I mean, Andy?  Its amazing I even bother."


2 - Two Shockers In One Night

The following evening, Debra was in the kitchen talking with her friend Amy, known for her on and off relationship with Ray's brother Robert Barone.

"Oh my God, Amy. I almost forgot to tell you I had the strangest dream last night about Johnny that new waiter from Marco's!" Debra said excitedly.

"You did?  About Johnny? Oh man I could eat that boy with a spoon! You have to tell me everything!"

As Debra was speaking Ray walked in to the front door with a suitcase in his hand. As he closed the door he called out, "I'm home, my little starfish!"

He heard no reply. Debra was too busy telling Amy of her exciting dream, and she couldn't hear the door over the running water in the sink.  Ray walked to the kitchen and was about to make his presence known when he heard Debra say, "Then Johnny just cleared off the table with his hand and took me right there at Marco's!"

Ray immediately became suspicious and darted behind the wall to hear what they were talking about.

"Then what happened?" Amy asked, captivated by Debra's story.

"Well, then I woke up, Amy. It was so weird though... I've never had such an intense dream before."

"You are so lucky! Even in my dreams my sexual advances get rejected," Amy said dejectedly.

"That can't be true, Amy," said Debra, looking at her friend sympathetically.

"I'm not kidding you. I once had a dream about the box boy from Ralph's. He kissed me really passionately and then we both pulled back and we were staring really deeply into each other's eyes and just when I think something amazing was about to happen, 'Sorry, I'm gay.'  All the customers at Ralph's started laughing and pointing and then I woke up." Amy said with more than a tinge of regret.

Ray didn't know what do.  Did he hear Debra right?  She had a dream about having sex with someone else?  He crouched down lower in his hiding spot in confusion.  He wanted to talk to her about it right then and there-but then she would know he was eavesdropping. Then there was the matter of going down to Marco's to kick some waiter ass.

Well, after he got some help from Gianni and Robert first.

His internal dialogue came to a rude awakening when Geoffrey quietly walked up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.  Ray shouted out in horror and spun around, then held his chest and breathed a sigh of relief when he realized it was one of his sons.

"Ray?!  Is that you?" Debra called out, peering over the wall of the kitchen.

"Uhhh Hi Deb, I'm home. Hi Amy," Ray replied, stuttering over his words as he stood up.

"Hi Honey, how long have you been there?" Debra asked, a little embarrassed.

"Oh I just got home, and I saw Geoffrey and thought I would try to scare him.  Yea, scare Geoffrey, ha ha.... Just now, when I just got home, right this very second.  Yea." Ray said nervously, hoping not to arouse her suspicions.

"Oh okay," Debra replied bewilderedly, wondering what was wrong with her husband. She decided it was probably in her best interest to ignore whatever it was. "How was your trip?"

"It was just fine. More importantly how have you been? Anything at all interesting happen while I was gone? Any new business going on with you?" Ray asked, leaning forward as if to exaggerate his interest in his wife's events.

"Just fine, same old same old," responded Debra, still perplexed.

Just then Amy piped in. "Well, Deb, I should be going.  I have some work stuff to do. Bye Ray, Bye Deb."

Amy got up and walked out the back door, unaware that she had left a time bomb in the making.


3 - Tell Me Your Dreams!

The next morning Debra was busily washing dishes from the breakfast she had made her three children. She had just returned from dropping them off at school and was beginning her daily routine.

"Hey there, Cheesecake," Ray said as he strolled into the kitchen.

"Hi Ray. What are you still doing here?  Shouldn't you be at work by now?" Debra asked, looking up from the sink.

"Well, I decided to work from home today. Since I've been on the road I wanted to spend a day with you catching up. So what happened while I was away? Any interesting life moments, or funny little anecdotes?  What's going on in your life?" Ray asked in a rapid fire manner as he took Debra's hand and dragged her to come sit down with him at the kitchen table.

"Okay what is going on here? Ray did you burn something?  Again?  Is something on fire? Tell me now. I'm going to find out on my own anyway!" asked Debra in a steely voice.  She reached out and gripped Ray's shoulder tightly.

"Ow... Ow, hurting!" shouted Ray as he shoved her arm aside.  "Why are you always so suspicious! I just want to know what's happened since I've been gone," Ray remarked, more than a hint of his fake sincerity showing through.

"Okay now I know you've done something. Lets think, you've already taped over are wedding video.....Oh my God did you tell Marie that she could live with us when Frank dies? You did didn't you!?  Ray, I TOLD you--" Debra shouted.

"No, I didn't do that! Every time she starts to bring it up, I do exactly what you told me, distract her by asking for more food," Ray said.

"All right Ray ... so what is this about?" Debra asked.

"Can't a man ask about his wife and her dreams anymore, without being accused of being a freakin' pyromaniac!" Ray said quickly.  He didn't realize he had said too much until the words were already out of his mouth.

"Oh so that is what this is about!  Were you eavesdropping on Amy and me yesterday? You heard about my dream didn't you!" Debra cried out, standing up and nearly knocking her chair backwards.

Ray looked up at her and threw his hands up innocently.  "I wasn't eavesdropping! I was just coming home from a long trip to hear that my wife is dreaming about being sexually satisfied by that big eared waiter at Marco's!  And don't think I wasn't on to you!  'Ooh, that Johnny is so nice, lets give him an extra tip' Yea, hah, I'm watching you woman!!"

"Yeah its still eavesdropping, Ray. I can't believe you have such little respect for my privacy."

"Oh no you don't. Don't turn this around on me. This is about you and your sick little erotic dreams. You know what?  Why don't you just leave me now and get it over with.  Marry Johnny and have Dumbo eared babies," Ray yelled.

"Okay first of all, it was just a dream Ray. It doesn't mean I want to leave you for Johnny. It was just a stupid dream. You can't honestly tell me every dream you have is about me," Debra replied coolly, trying to calm him down.

"I can tell you whatever I want to tell you. Men and women are different," said Ray defiantly.

Debra put one hand on her hip and pointed right at Ray with the other.  "...In fact, I remember you waking me up with your little dreamland fantasy starring 'Nicole Kidman.'"  She spat out the name like it was rotten leftover.

"What?!  I don't even talk in my sleep and you know it!  And even if I did, I don't go around telling all my friends about it like its some heavenly vacation!" responded Ray angrily, standing up and knocking his chair over.

"Yea that's because you do plenty of daydreaming at work!  Who visits you there, the whole cast of 'Sex and the City'?"

Ray walked over to the refrigerator and yanked it open with such force that all the contents shook.  He grabbed a small ginger ale bottle and slammed the door shut.  There was nothing more for him to say, for he was absolutely livid.

"This is crazy, Ray. It was a dream for God's sake. You can't be jealous over something I dreamed," Debra said, exasperated from all the arguing.

"I can be jealous for anything I want to be jealous for! Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need to be with some people who haven't had dreams about waiters working at Marco's," Ray stated with finality, snapping his chin up pompously.

"I'd steer clear of Amy and most of the women in Forest Hills then, ya big jerk!" Debra yelled as Ray stormed out the kitchen door.



4 - A Visit To The Family Of Functional Entropy

Ray walked into the backdoor of his parents home, which led directly into the kitchen.  "Hey ma," he called out.

Marie Barone was in her early seventies, still very energetic and spirited when it came to matters of her family.  "Hi dear, do you want something to eat?"

"No thanks, I'm not hungry.  Listen ma...I gotta ask you something.  Did dad ever ... get jealous or anything cause he thought you were thinking of... y'kno, cheating on him?"

"Oh my God!!!  Oh Raymond.. what has Debra done to you now?" Marie cried out, hugging his son to the point of strangulation.

Ray sighed and tried to wrestle away from her grasp.  "Nothing!  Nothing! Look..."

Marie pulled away and her eyes narrowed sharply, gesturing with her hands.  "Is Debra thinking of having someone else 'work her crops'?"

"Whaaaat?"

The opposite door to the kitchen flung open.  "Marie!  Sandwich!" called out Frank Barone.

Marie turned around to her husband.  "A sandwich? A sandwich?  That's what you can think about at a time like this?  Don't you care that your son might be deserted by his wife for some 30 year old bar hopping Frenchman?"

"Holy Crap!  That sounds like that movie Unfaithful.  Boy I tell you what Ray, I knew she was going to get back at you when you had that fling with the girl in the laundry room," Frank said with a chuckle, taking a seat.

Ray held both hands out.  "Stop it, will you?  I told you, nothing happened with that girl in the laundry room.  Robert and I were just experimentin--"

Ray's brother, Robert Barone suddenly appeared from the stairwell into the kitchen.  "I heard my name." He announced in his deep throaty voice.

"I'm getting out of here..." Ray finally said at last.

Robert shrugged and opened the fridge.  "What's going on?"

Before Marie could say anything, Frank cut in, "Debra got tired of ol' Nancy over here and wants another man."

"I didn't say that!!!  What is with you people?" Ray shouted at the top of his lungs.  "It was just a dream!  Debra had a dream!!  I came home last night and I overheard her talking to Amy about it."

Robert looked at Raymond with a confused expression.  "So Debra had a dream that she had an affair?"

Nodding, Raymond breathed a sigh of relief that at least one person in the family understood what he was talking about.

"With who?" Robert asked expectantly.  Too expectantly, in fact.

Ray stared at his brother for a long time with a disgusted look, then headed for the door.  Before he left, he stated, "You people are sick, you know that?  Sick!"



5 - Marie's Motherly Intervention

Debra was filing away the leftovers into the refrigerator of her kitchen when Marie came in through the backdoor.  Like her own home across the street, the backdoor led directly into the kitchen.

"Hi dear, is Raymond home?" asked Marie.

Debra shrugged nonchalantly.  "How should I know?"

Picking up an empty box off the kitchen counter, Marie's eyebrows raised in amusement.  "Oooh... I see you made frozen pizza for dinner.  Is the oven broken, Debra?"

Gripping the handle to the refrigerator tightly, Debra tried to calm herself.  "No, Marie, our oven is just fine.  I wasn't in the mood to cook a big dinner tonight."

"Why, what's the matter dear?"

"Nothing Marie, It's just been a tough couple of days," replied Debra as she folded her arms.

She thought for a moment, then chuckled.  "This is about that dream you had, isn't it?"

Stalking her way into the living room, Debra began furiously picking up the kids dolls off the floor.  "Looks like Ray's already told the whole block about it, then..."

"You know dear, if you don't want to talk to Raymond, you can always talk to me," Marie commented, trailing after her.

"Marie, I don't have to explain my dreams to anyone- not to you, and certainly not to Ray," Debra stated forcefully as she began to walk away.

She shrugged innocently.  "Okay, I just thought--"

Debra put a hand up to silence her mother-in-law.  "Look, I appreciate your concern but Ray's just going to have to be a big boy and get over the fact that he can't control what goes on in my subconscious.  I mean, he's jealous over someone in my dreams- how childish is that?  Really Marie, I don't understand why you're defending him."

"Debra..," said Marie slowly, "I know my son, and its not jealousy that's bothering him.  Now I know he's not good at showing his feelings, and he may not help out around the house, but I know the first thing he looks forward to when he comes home from a long trip is to be with you, Debra.  Think of how Raymond must've felt to come home and hear about something like that from you."  She paused for a moment.  "Of course he's jealous, dear, but he's also hurt."

Debra stared at her for a long time, before her eyes lowered to the floor in deep thought.  "Marie, I had no idea...."

Marie smiled lovingly.  "Of course you didn't, dear."

Trying to maintain a smile, Debra swore to herself that if Marie's sarcastic remarks didn't sound so deceivingly loving, she would already be calling the funeral home making arrangements.  But the point had hit home, and she needed to talk to Ray.



6 - Barone.  Debra Barone.

Debra was about to head into the basement when she heard the front door open.  Looking over her shoulder, she saw it was Ray coming back.  The night time cricket chirps could be heard outside.

"Hi Ray," she said, walking over awkwardly and finally putting her arms around him.

Ray raised both his hands high up into the air as she wrapped herself around him, as though he didn't want to be associated with the hug.  "Gaah, what are you doing?"

"I wanna give you a hug Ray.  I'm sorry about this morning," Debra said softly.

Ray tiptoed out of Debra's arms.  "Don't worry about it.  I got Gianni to go over to Marco's and it turns out your fantasy boyfriend Johnny is happily engaged."

Debra sighed and rubbed her forehead.  "Ray..."

"What?"  Ray whined, stepping in front of the couch.  "It's okay, it doesn't bother me anymore."

"I-- look, your mother came over here tonight and made me realize something.  Last night when you came home it must have really hurt for that to be the first thing you heard.  And I was so busy worrying about being right and arguing and defending myself that I didn't realize its not about who's right."

"So you're admitting you're wrong?" asked Ray thoughtlessly.

"No!  Why are you always so dense?" replied Debra frustratedly.

He tossed a stack of papers onto the coffee table and said, "Cause if you're not, you should be.  You're not fooling me with your talk of 'feelings' and 'as long as everybody is happy,'" he replied animatedly, gesturing wildly with his hands.  "Yea, I go for that nonsense and I'll wake up tomorrow morning with Johnny lying on the bed between us!"

"Ray, I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of this," said Debra.  "We've been married 20 years, this is the first time I've ever had a dream like this."

"So what is that supposed to tell me?" Ray asked defiantly.  His face contorted into a strange configuration, signature of whenever he began talking without thinking.

Debra cupped her face in her hands and sighed.  "It doesn't say anything, Ray!  The night before that I had dreamed I was some James Bond villainess, it doesn't mean I've had aspirations of world domination since marrying you."

"Really?" asked Ray.

She nodded and reached for his hand.  "Ray, I know this has driven you crazy ... and I didn't want to tell you because you'd make a big deal out of it, when it really means nothing.  I'll remember this dream for what, a few weeks?  But you're the one I'll be waking up with every morning, sweetie.  The only one I would ever want to wake up with ... and nothing can change that reality."

Ray blinked a few times.  "...So what kind of Bond villain were you?"

Debra rolled her eyes tiredly.

"The one with the black leather and the thighs of steel?" Ray continued, clapping his hands together in excitement.

"Ray!!" she shouted at last.

Ray laughed, giving her a hug. "Okay, okay." 

She smiled and laughed along.  Slipping a hand around the back of Ray's neck, she drew him closer and gave him brief but sensuous kiss on the lips.

Ray drew back slowly and grinned at her.  Putting on a thick Sean Connery accent, he intoned, "Now Misshus Bharone, I exhpect youh to take your blouse offh!"



7 - Closing Vignette

Ray awoke with a start.  He heard Debra's voice next to him.  She was asleep- dreaming yet again.

"Ohh.... Johnny....," she moaned, then sighed softly.

Ray threw his hands up in the air.  "What the!?"

"Oh Johnny...," Debra said again, curling up into a ball.

Ray stared at her with a sullen expression until an idea came to him.  He leaned over and whispered into her ear, "Oh Raymooond...."

Debra smiled and said his name.  "Yeaa... Raymond..."  Ray shoved both fists in the air in silent victory. 

"Forget Ray ... he's downstairs watching football with a hand down his pants...."

"WAIT a minute," Ray started, turning completely towards Debra.

Debra's eyes fluttered open.  "Idiot," she said with a grin.