Babble: 11.24.98 937pHST
The boy joined the reserves. Thats the big news in Sunshine's world this week. He leaves for 7 months in March. Whats weird is I'm not sad. I should be very upset and fearing the day he leaves. But I'm not. I'm glad he's leaving. What does that say about me? He took the drama away from me. I was supposed do the big "I'm leaving you" bit but it turns out he's doing it. Now I'm not talking "I'm leaving you because I don't love you anymore and I don't want anything to do with you after I leave" I mean one of those "I'm leaving you because I need to, to forward myself in life and I'm doing this because I need to find myself and this is the only way I know how, I love you and you are the best thing that's ever happened in my life and I will consider us still together" kinda goodbye. The weirder thing is I'm going to be living at his parent's house the whole time I'm gone. I'm leaving for New York in August (well planning to anyway) and the boy doesn't get back till September. I won't see the boy till.....
I don't know. December? Never?
I don't understand why that doesn't bother me. I really don't. Most people I know would be crying their eyes out. And the fact that when he leaves and our relationship will be put on hold indefinitely should be tragic! But at this moment in time.....it doesn't even phase me. Not at all. I said earlier that I'm glad he's leaving. You might misunderstand that. I'm not glad he's leaving my life. I'm glad he finally found something he sorta wants his life to head into. I'm glad he found some path to follow instead of wandering aimlessly at a dead end job. I'm glad I won't be the only one taking a journey of discovery. I know its only the reserves, but for an island boy thats a big step. I love him. But this might very well be the best thing in both of our lives.
Maybe we've been together too long. We're not married but we might as well be. Maybe I haven't been honest with everyone. Maybe I haven't been honest with myself about our relationship. Maybe I should shut up before I reveal things that I really shouldn't.
I started working out again. Yesterday I took the drive to the gym after almost 10 months of paying for it. I thought that maybe paying 36 bucks a month for it would give me some incentive for going but after gaining 8 lbs since I last went.....Its safe to say it didn't work. Im paying for it physically today. My inner thighs hurt. I think I overstrained them on those machine that spread your legs apart for the whole world to see high heaven. I had to get myself re-aquainted with all the equipment. I know for sure I was working some of the machines wrong...I was just too proud to ask....more like mortified by the big dark sweaty scarry looking men that surrounded me. I was half expecting my former trainer to come up to me and say "Hey sunny! How you doing? Looks like you got a little chunky since you left us. By the way you're doing that all wrong. You sure look like an idiot." But he didn't. Maybe that was him at the strip club those months ago. With the big move to the boy's house and all, I had to go to a closer gym which is smaller and has less sophisticated equipment. I missed the high ceilings and computerized machines at the other gym that counted your reps for you and beeped when you did something wrong. I have to get used to it I guess.
Yesterday I also had a group meeting with my "final presentation" group. I've decided acting isn't for me. I looked like a turd trying to memorize my lines and couldn't get my cues. I looked so idiotic. We did so many run throughs you would assume I got my lines down. I mean the guy who had twice as much lines as I got it just like that and he got into character and everything. I stuttered, mumbled, acted and sounded like robot. Im going to fail miserably!
Registration is in a couple of weeks. Looks like I'm going to be a 3-creditor next semester again. I dumped the idea of going to a community college to save money and take more classes. Not only did they not have any classes I liked. I just never pictured myself going to community college....I don't mean to sound arogant. I just can't see myself going there no matter how practical it is. For me its like taking a step down.
I'm sorry for the monotone updates. There's no fire in my life anymore....and its been like that for awhile now that I think about it. The drive is there but overcoming it is fear. Right now its all kinda creeping in. The boy is leaving for 7 months and there's a slight chance I'm never going to see him in a very long time if ever. When he comes back to our room from training its going to be empty. Half empty. 5000 miles away in a cramp apartment with no furniture my heart will be half empty.
