Babble: 11.18.98 1242pHST
A year ago I was living at my moms house bitching about how I hated living there. It was mom it was dad it was the piss scented carpet. It was the dads druggie acquantinces. It was the bathroom. It was the theiving live in cousins. It was the fact that there was never any food in the house. It was mom asking for this dad asking for that. It was the encouragemnet of putting work before school . It was the constant comparisons between you and someone 5000 miles away. It was the labling of laziness to tha fro. I hated it. So I moved out.
Moved somewhere where I thought I would be left alone. Moved somewhere people prodded and taunted with their eyes. Somewhere the live in father figure blares out indecencies where the selfish gay boy abuses respect and toothpaste. Where my life is literally put on pause. I wake up to the sound of road construction or am contunually urked by the misuse of bathroom time of a tennant and lack of studytime respect. Somwhere dogs and goats are killed out my window and things are half clean and always moldy. I need to move out.
Obviously the latter is the lesser of two evils but that still doesn't stop me from STILL loathing my present location. I'm not too sure I can take nine more months of this. How odd 9 months. It's like I'm pregnant with a boulder. I am fucking ready to give birth but this boulder is sitting there watching late nite re-runs. We don't even know if this boulder is coming out of my vagina in nine months because I can't afford to care for it when its out in the world.
I say my life is put in pause because it feels like that scene in the Stephen King novella the Langoliers.Where they enter into another dimention where everything is this dull sepia color and the visitors are in digital color and sound. Where everything around the visitors seemed old and at a standstill and if they didn't get out of there fast they would lose their technicolor characteristics and look like an old dusty 1930's photograph.
About three years ago I was thin and cute travelling the nation at the generous expense of "virtual" strangers. I fell in "like" here and there and made good friends. I saw NYC for the first time and had a door opened to me to a room of hope and great accomplishment.
Presently I'm overweight and feeling lowly and what the X always said....a loser.
I'm happy with the boy. He's my true one and only. But sometimes my conciousness tells me that the only reason I say that is because I'm afraid of finding the exiting possibilies that lie and can be taken up without a true one and only. Where the true one and only is yourself. Accomplishment and pride.
I don't understand the workings of my head. No one understands life. I'm at a standstill and have known it because I didn't break the chains I locked myself awhile ago. I put my mind on making a welfare income and blamed the benjamins for putting me in the position I'm in now.
Sadly I still blame it.
I will give birth to my baby boulder and leave my one and only. To an existance 12 hours away with nothing but a "balikbayan" box and a suitcase and the federal government on my side. I will cry all my loneliness away and hopefully find some kind of sense when I'm at that time 23. Wish me luck.
