Psycho Babble
Tuesday 082598, 0117pHST

After the 530 am wake-up yesterday I don't beleive I woke up at 1130am today. Once again I was the limo driver for the boy who started work at noon today.

I was up till 230am last night reading IMR. And after returning home from the drop off this morning, I headed to the site again to read the rest of Ryan's ramblings from 1997.

It really wasn't too long ago. 1997 that is. I haven't been this caught up in a webjournal since THE ORG......

I am not healthy at all. I ate way too much yesterday and it doesn't help that all that the boy's mom cooks is fried in oil.

 Usually its pork or beef....rarely chicken...even more rarely fish. I'm going to die of a heart attack at the age of 22. I know I will.

There's so many good things racing through my mind that I'd like to talk about. But I can never seem to type it all out here.

Last night I was laying in bed with the boy (our tiny single bed) hearing him snore deep in REM. We've been together for almost three years. I feel married to this guy. I keep asking myself if I REALLY would have enough guts to leave him when I make the move to NYC.

We've talked about moving there together but in all honesty I don't think he belongs there. He knows this. He's the reason I didn't  move to NYC in 1996.

Love makes you do stupid things. In some ways there's regret. And most times its nullified by the fact that I have someone and something that most people never find in the years and years of searching. Someone to love and someone to love you back. In a sense...yes....a soulmate.

I run through my head about how I'd be living in NYC. The sis and I planned to move there in the summer of 2000 after she graduates and after I transfer there from UHM(if I am able to god willing). None of those thoughts involve the boy.

But I need to do this. For me. It'll hurt like a mother fuck but it has to be done. For me, and only me.

If I fail, I fail If I succeed I'll make "NewYork New York" the theme song of my twenties.