I will start in my early years. I grew up in a fairy tale family the first years of my life. As a child I had all the extra things in life. My family was involved in a church organization, where I became very active and was baptized at the age of eight. I was told that by being baptized I was cleansed from all of my sins and could have a fresh start in life. So I remember wanting to be baptized over and over again so I could remain without sin. At that very tender age, I realized that I could never remain sinless and wondered about my hopelessness. I was very religious, but didn�t know how I could live up to the expectations of my church. I remember sitting in the back of the church praying to God that He show me His way and wondering about the importance of His death and why there would need to be a cross. I knew that I needed to be really good and I tried hard.
At age 17, I was in spiritual turmoil. I couldn�t be good enough. I worried because I had secret thoughts and desires that were not godly and I couldn�t control those thoughts. I earnestly prayed that God would help me find a way. While looking in a magazine, I noticed an ad that said, �Are you questioning your religion?� I was drawn to this ad and wrote to Ira Ransom, who is a Christian missionary to Mormons, and to my surprise he wrote back to me and sent me some pamphlets. I read them thoroughly and wondered about them.
A couple of years went by and I married my high school sweetheart. I had every intention of converting Jamie to my church. I was still holding on to the many things that I was taught all the young years of my life. After our first son was born, I was home one night alone and decided to watch TV. Billy Graham just happened to be on. I listened intently to the message and it spoke to my heart. He explained that everyone is born a sinner and because of that, we are all separated from God. He stated that we are not all born children of God, like I had always been taught. He taught that Jesus was God in the flesh. John 1:14.
John 1:1 and John 14:7-11 speak of the oneness with the Father, and there are several other places in the Bible that speak of this concept. He was not just a good man. I cried out to God and asked Him to come into my life and reign in my heart. John 8:23-24 says, Jesus talking: �You are from below, I am from above; you are of this world; I am not of this world. I said therefore to you, that you shall die in your sins; for unless you believe that I am He you shall die in your sins.� I found in Romans 3:10 and 3:23 that there are none righteous and all fall short of the Glory of God, so I felt better about my sinful nature now that I knew that everyone had one. John 14:66 says, �Jesus said to him, I am the way, and the truth, and the life, no one comes to the father but through me.�
My hunger for Bible studies and worship increased immensely. I became so on fire that I couldn�t understand why everyone I talked to didn�t just believe me and trust in God.
II Corinthians 4:3-4 talks of how the minds of people are blinded by Satan so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of Christ. Satan is the god of the world that we live in and is called the great deceiver in the Bible. I learned about grace and how Jesus bought me with a price through His precious blood. Hebrews 9::22 says, �All things are cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.� Jesus� blood is so important for my salvation, because it is the payment for my sin and my ticket to heaven if I believe he is who he says he is. The connection between the significance of the cross and my salvation became real. The old songs, �Amazing Grace� and �How Great Thou Art�, speak so directly of how I feel now after being saved. How I love these old hymns.
The biggest difference between my former religion and what I came to realize is--Who Jesus is. I had been taught that Jesus was a good man who came to earth from heaven, where he was my brother and Lucifer�s. In my reading of the Bible, I was trying to prove many of the things I had learned as a child, but I found them to be dead wrong. I learned that the Pharisees were actually accusing Jesus of blasphemy when Jesus claimed to be God. John 10:30-33 says, �I and the Father are one. The Jews took up stones again to stone Him. Jesus answered them, I showed you many good works from the Father; for which of them are you stoning me? The Jews answered Him. For a good work we do not stone you, but for blasphemy; and because you being a man, make yourself out to be God.� The reason Jesus was crucified was because He claimed to be God. My former religion taught me that Jesus was not God�s only Son, but that he was his first-born Son.
I learned from the Bible that God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit were the only ones who were present when the earth was formed in six days. I also learned that the world was a perfect one until Adam sinned. The sin nature was born in the Garden of Eden. It was not God�s perfect plan that Adam and Eve sin, but he allowed it. God knew that if he gave us our free agency that we would sin against him, and it didn�t take long. As a result, we are all born with a sin nature that was inherited from Adam, and because we are sinners, we cannot enter into the Kingdom of Heaven on our own unless we keep all the Law and the Ten Commandments always; which as I knew was impossible to do. The only person who was perfect was Jesus, and that is because he was the only God-Man that has ever been born. In order for us to be able to spend eternity in heaven, Jesus� precious blood had to be shed, and we were purchased by God to become his bride. No one is born into his family. We needed the cross to pave the way into heaven. The love that was shown on the cross is too great for us to fully understand. I love to wear my cross. However, I don�t wear one cross but I wear a Jerusalem cross that contains five crosses to remind me five times of the Greatest Love of all Time, his sacrifice for me.
Shortly after my conversion, Jamie and I decided to attend a Biblical Seminar. After I came home, I almost couldn�t contain my excitement for the Lord. I studied much of the time on my own and desired to really get into the depths of the Bible. We started attending a Bible teaching church and learned quickly from the word of God.
Over the years, I have always been driven to be the best at whatever I do. I thought bottom line, I desired the approval of other people. I really deeply cared about what people thought of me and wanted a high rating with people. I worked very hard at being the best housewife in the world, keeping a spotless home, yard, and kids. I took great pride with my cooking and baking. I used to make everything that we ate from scratch and had a four-course meal on the table twice a day and ready the minute Jamie walked in the door. My babies never ate Gerber baby food. I home-made all of their food. I was a stay-at-home mom and worked hard 10-12 hours every day. I was indeed a perfectionist and driven to be the best without fault. Even after I knew I didn�t have to be perfect to be acceptable to God, I still had a desire to be perfect.
I was still out there trying to convince the world about their need for the Savior, when the first big tragedy of my life happened. I was 30 years old when my younger sister, Kathy, passed away. Kathy had many struggles in her life but through them had trusted Jesus to be her Savior and I knew she was his child. I was left with a lot of questions about life and wanted to know why God had taken Kathy at such a young age. It made me think about how very fragile life really is. The Lord has such great mercy and compassion for his own children. He may take them out of this world suddenly because he knows everything about each of us and about our future.
I started working outside my home, where I put my love of cooking to work. I operated a restaurant and again I put the constant pressure on myself to have the very best restaurant in town. My desire for perfection came out in whatever I did.
During that time, our kids were starting to grow up and I made the commitment to Ashley to take her to gymnastic class every night from 3:30 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. After several months of waiting four hours a night for her, I decided to make use of my time and started to look for something constructive to do. After talking to a travel agent friend, I decided to take the computer training at the travel agency that she worked at in the evenings. It proved to be something that I thoroughly enjoyed and felt that I could succeed at. I had always had a real desire to travel the world, so this seemed to be the perfect job. This just happened to be about the same time that the restaurant that I leased sold. So I started working full time at the travel agency. After working for several years and with some persuasion, I decided to open Rainbow Travel.
Shortly after opening Rainbow Travel, another tragedy hit with full force. My dear sister, Barbara, went to have surgery for an aortic aneurysm. Barbara had had several surgeries because she had broken her back, so we were not as concerned about this surgery as we should have been. We just thought she would pull out of it just like she did all of her other surgeries. That was probably the worst day and night of my life, as we had to make some hard decisions on her behalf. She was in the worst shape I have ever seen anyone. She had surgery complications. Her poor swollen body just couldn�t make it and she passed away the next day. Barb and I had such a special relationship. She had lived with us for a while and we enjoyed every minute of that time. She helped me with everything while I worked and traveled with my job. I knew that she had a relationship with the Lord, but I still grieved and questioned God about why he had taken her to be with him.
For several months I struggled with her death. I found myself asking the Lord, �Is she really okay?� To my amazement, one night Barb came to me from her shoulders up in sort of a wisp and with a big smile and a twinkle in her beautiful blue eyes. I started talking to her pleading with her not to leave, because I needed to talk to her. She put her finger on her lips and said, �Shh, I can�t. I�m okay, but remember I love you.� And she was gone. I was calmed after that and felt very secure about her eternity. God had given me what I needed to end my anxiety. Psalm 116:15 �Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.� This passage is so precious to those of us who have lost loved ones that have a personal relationship with our God through Jesus our Lord. I know that she did not come back from the dead; but the Lord did send me this image to comfort me.
A couple of years later, I had some stressful conflicts at work. With the importance of needing people to like me, this was almost unbearable. I struggled with what to do--whether to defend myself or quietly let my actions speak for themselves. I internalized these things and my body reacted severely. I had always had low blood pressure, and all of a sudden I had high blood pressure. I stopped being able to sleep at night. My insomnia was severe. I did not sleep at all for around five weeks. I was getting migraine headaches frequently. My body ached and I spent the majority of that time in bed day and night. The doctor told me that my body was shutting down and if I didn�t take medication for sleep that I would die. I remember being comforted with the thoughts of heaven and hoping that God would just take me home out of my misery. God had a different plan for my life. At the time I really wondered why I had to go through all of this.
I continued to have severe sleep problems even with medication, and upon the recommendation of my doctor I went to the Mayo Clinic. I went through many examinations and saw many doctors. All of them said, �Well, you are not depressed.� After all that I had been through, the doctors looked for depression persistently. My hope and faith in the Lord helped me to persevere, along with my wonderful husband. The doctors at the Mayo Clinic determined that a neurotransmitter from my brain to my body that controlled my sleep was somehow broken. Chronic fatigue, stomach problems, terrible migraine headaches, insomnia, body aches, and pain seemed to be part of my life. After I got home, my doctor decided that I should go to a doctor in Salt Lake City because he thought I had fibromyalgia. I went and the diagnosis was confirmed.
In the fall of the year 2000, our car was hit by a young man who ran a stop sign. The impact was substantial and the airbag hit me hard. My neck, back, and chest were hurt badly, and I was laid up for another month. My back still hurt after several months, and the doctor decided to do an MRI, bone scan, and x-rays. The doctor found that I have multiple tumors inside my vertebrae. The diagnosis was bleak. When the doctor told me, he was so serious; but because I did not know what it was, I looked at him and said, �Oh, okay. How do you spell that?� He told me later that he was shocked at my attitude, because the disease is so serious. I guess there is something to be said of not knowing what something is. When I looked for the term on the internet, to my surprise, I couldn�t find anything on it. God really protected me from the anxiety that I could have suffered from by not allowing me to find out information on it. Multiple myeloma is cancer; and upon further testing in the hospital, the doctor determined that the tumors in my back were not malignant. The doctor sent the x-rays to a specialist in Iowa, and he said that I have hemangioma tumors in my vertebrae. I went to the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Arizona, where I was treated for these tumors. After three and a half weeks, of radiation, the tumors have not shrunk yet, so we are playing the waiting game. It may take as long as two years. I know the only physician that can really heal me is God, who has also healed my spirit.
Another tragedy hit hard a year after our accident. A very close friend passed away from cancer after fighting a courageous battle for her life. She and I share a wonderful daughter and three grandsons. I miss her so much, but I am so blessed to know that she is waiting for us in heaven, and she is not in any pain anymore.
I have finally determined that �Life is not about me, it is about God.� I heard an excellent sermon about how we should turn �God Bless America� around and say, �American Bless God.� That really struck me, how we should every day determine that we are going to bless God through our lives and actions. In the Old Testament, God wanted to be the King of the Israelites and wanted them to put their trust completely in him. Because of their sin nature, they demanded a human being as their king. They acknowledged someone else to be their king besides God, and that is exactly what I do when I put my selfishness ahead of God. What a sinner I am to worry so much about what others think about me. Being a people-pleaser puts me on my throne pushing God aside, just giving him a little bit of my life and thinking about me, me, me. I know it is not about me, but about God and his great love for me. I cannot even imagine what my life would be like if I had put God first in my life years ago.
God has a wonderful plan for my life if I will let him follow through with it and rest in him. This is hard for me to do. Because of my sin nature and strong will, I haven�t yet accomplished that goal; but I know that God is working on me, and he wants the throne of my life, and slowly he is getting more of it. Through counsel with my best friend, who is my husband, and a good friend and pastor, Mike Powell, God made me realize that I had worth with him because he died for me. My significance does not depend on other peoples� approval. I feel that God used my health conditions to make me ready to listen to him. At the time, I felt like God did not really care about me. I even once had a person tell me, �God gives sleep to those whom he loves.� It hurt me more. My husband and I did some research on that passage and found that it speaks of how the Lord blesses you during the day and even in your sleep. It is found in Psalms 127.
I was heading straight to hell when I trusted in my religion to save me. When I was attending the church of my youth, I wasn�t concerned about hell, but about which heaven I would go to by being a good person. I was so deceived by my religion. I�ve heard so many people say that there is no hell. But the Bible speaks of it often. I don�t think people feel the urgency to commit their lives to God because of their belief that �Good people do not go to hell.� Most people believe that if they are honest, upright, and they do the best that they can do, they will go to heaven. Many verses in the Bible clearly state that there is a real place called hell. Revelations 20 states that if my name is not found in the Book of Life, I will be thrown into the Lake of Fire, where I will be tormented day and night forever and ever.
Think about how you would feel if you had done all the works needed for a ticket to an event, but forgot to pick up the ticket, and no one would help you, even though you had done everything that you were supposed to do. More than half of my family belongs to my former religion. Temple recommends are needed to attend important events, such as weddings and do temple work. You have to do certain things and have it updated continually by doing certain works. Recently, my niece got married in the temple and one of my sisters had failed to have her recommend renewed. Much to her dismay, she was turned away and not allowed to go to the wedding. She called the bishop and everyone who she thought would be able to help her, but she was too late and no one could help her get into the temple.
When I heard the story of my sisters recommend, it reminded me of heaven in a sort of way. I would like to talk about something that popped into my mind when I heard my sister�s story. Can you imagine the disappointment we would have to get to the pearly gates and not have our name found in the �Book of Life�, and be cast into hell because there is no second chance? There will be no one who can help you. How sad would that be, especially after all of the works that you had done and the good life that you had lived. Our �heaven recommend� is our total trust in the precious blood of Jesus, who is our only bridge to God and heaven. Without God�s grace and his free gift through Jesus, we have no �heaven recommend�. It is a choice we have to make in this earthly life before we die. The big difference is that the temple recommend is worked for and dependent on works and accepting Christ is God�s free gift to us and has nothing to do with our works, but has everything to do with our wills and who we put on the throne of our lives.
My former religion taught that there is a second chance for exaltation to heaven, but in Hebrews 9:27 it says, �And inasmuch as it is appointed for men to die once and after this comes judgment.� Matthew 7:13-14 says, �Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life and only a few find it.� It makes me sad to think of all of the people that think they will have a second chance in eternity.
Suffering is something that I never understood very well. Suffering in the dictionary means to endure hardship or experience loss. Trials in the life of a Christian involve a spiritual test. I believe that if I handle suffering and trials properly I will turn to God for understanding, endurance, and deliverance. It can be a powerful growing tool. I am now able to identify the hurts of others more fully and able to comfort those who are experiencing the same suffering and trials I have. I praise God for the suffering that I had endured, for if I hadn�t gone through these things, I would not be as close to him as I am. Although I don�t desire to have more trials in my life, I know that I may experience more. In Romans 8:28, it says, �All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose.� Trials grow us and we should give thanks to God for everything that comes into our life. I know that God looks at our hearts and the way we respond to trials and suffering. I did not always think of it this way. Hebrews 12:7 �Endure hardship as discipline: God is treating you as sons.�
The sovereignty of God is so great. He controls the things that come into our lives. We can rest in the palm of his hand. I look back on my life and realize that yes, I made choices in life and those choices demanded consequences. I love the way that I can rest in God if I will just trust him. The more that I trust, the more peace he gives me.
I do believe that God has adopted me as his child. I was chosen and he has always had his hand of guidance on me. He is polite and never forced me to do anything. He wants me to freely choose him and place my trust in him. When I became his child, he gave me a new identity. It took several years for me to realize that my needs, security, importance, and satisfaction should be met in him. My biggest daily struggle is my desire for acceptance with other people for my self esteem. I realize that when I look to other people for this, I have a divided heart. If I had a completely Christ-centered life, then I would not have the need to be a people-pleaser. One of my favorite verses is Psalms 139:23-24 �Search me, O God and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any hurtful way in me and lead me in an everlasting way.�
When I think of heaven, I can hardly believe that excitement and anticipation that I have to see God�s glory. I look forward to being with my adopted father, who is waiting for me in heaven. Most of you, if you know me, know that I love a good piece of jewelry. When I read Revelations 21:10-27, I think about the streets that are the purest gold, ever-transparent gold, the solid pearl gates, and the precious stones that are the foundations of the New Jerusalem; and I know that I will love that place. But besides the beauty of this place will be God�s great glory. The Bible says that the Glory of God will illumine the city and the Lord will be its lamp. I look forward to that wonderful day when I will behold his glory. The Bible tells us that this will be better than anything here, so I know it�s going to be wonderful. Another reason I look forward to that day is that I will have a new body that does not hurt and in heaven there is no darkness or night and there will be no sleep (I think that I am getting into practice for this on earth with my insomnia problem).
In the Book of Revelations 21:27, when the Bible speaks of those who will be there it states, �Nothing unclean and no one who practices abominations and lying, shall ever come into it, but only those whose names are found in the Book of Life.� I praise God for his sacrifice for me, because without that sacrifice, I would be doomed to hell and my name would not be found in the Lamb�s Book of Life.
To summarize, I was born a sinner. Jesus came to earth as a man for one reason. That reason was to die for our sins. He paid a ransom through his blood for me; so that when I accepted what he did, I became his child. John 1:12 says, �But as many as received him, to them he gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in his name.� I am so grateful that I am a child of God and can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am far from perfect, but I now have hope and know that I will reign in heaven for eternity with God. My desire is that my family I love so much would experience the joy of knowing who Jesus really is and what he did for us. I pray for them daily.
Colleen Mayer