THE BEST OF MARK HAYTER
Went to my first baby shower last weekend. It wasn't all that bad, but I don't want to go to another, so don't ask me. The shower was for my niece, Shauna. Jill threw it and invited family. I thought she should've invited some female outsiders and no brothers. Turns out only three of the brothers showed u p.
Big Al wasn't there 'cause he doesn't go to showers. In fact, Big Al doesn't go anywhere he doesn't want to go. If you ever see my little brother anywhere, rest assured it's where he wants to be. If he doesn't want to be there, he's not. Some people call that honesty. I call it unfair.
If you ever run across me at a gathering for ... whatever, there's a better than even chance I'd rather be elsewhere. If you see me at a party, there's a 100 percent chance I'd rather be elsewhere. I go to parties and such 'cause occasionally something in my gut tells me I should. And, in some cases, someone I live with tells me I'd better.
It was my gut that instructed me to go to my niece's shower. I never seriously considered not going. Oh, I whined at Jill a bit, just to make her feel guilty for inviting the guys.
"Jill, men don't go to showers. You should know that. But, just to keep peace in the family, if you get Larry to go, I'll go."
"Larry's going," she said.
"D'oh!" I said. "Wait a minute. I mean Al. If you get Big Al."
She wouldn't go for it. Like I say, I went to the shower, and it wasn't too bad. Cake was good. Punch was super. Sandwiches were kind of bland, but then Hayters never have known how to make sandwiches. Oh, we've eaten 'em all our lives. We just never ate good ones.
The family did go in together and get Shauna one of those battery powered swings that rocks the baby to sleep. They didn't used to be battery powered. You'd wind the thing up and just as the kid was about to doze off, it'd quit rocking. You'd go to rewind and it'd scare the kid to death. That's what they say, anyway. Never having had kids, I don't really care. But for Shauna, I'll concern myself.
Go to page 2 of Mark's column
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