� Do you mind if I smoke?� � Smoking can kill you, you know?� I said. � So can taking a bottle of sleeping pills,� He said pulling out the small box and retrieving a cigarette. The young man popped it in his mouth. And leaned back in the large chair. He had on jeans and a gray sweatshirt. � So are you gonna say something? Or are you gonna sit there and watch me smoke?� � Look Mr. McLean, I�m only here because I have to be. There�s nothing wrong with me and there�s nothing to talk about. So yes, I�ll just sit here for an hour and watch you smoke,� � Ok, first of all call me AJ� I mean when you�re talking to me, and second I don�t care one way or the other if you talk, cause I get paid regardless so we can just sit here.� AJ and I sat in silence for a few minutes, the only sound, an occasional exhale of AJ�s cigarette. � So was that guy that dropped you off your boyfriend? Or is he just a friend?� He said exhaling once again. � Why?� � Because silence annoys me. Can I ask that or is that too deep?� � He�s a close friend,� I sighed rolling my eyes. � Could you at least open a window or something?� I asked fanning the air. � No.� � Why not?� � Because I don�t want to,� He said smugly. � What kind of psychiatrist are you? You�re supposed to be helping, and you�re only making it worse,� � Making what worse? All I�m doing is smoking. You said you didn�t want to talk, so I I�m just relaxing-� � But your � relaxing� is infecting my lungs, and I�d prefer not to die of lung cancer-� � You�d rather kill yourself with sleeping pills?� � Fuck you!� I yelled standing up. � I�m leaving. I don�t need this-� � Go ahead leave,� He said, not affected by my outburst at all. He just sat there smoking, like he hadn�t a care in the world. � I�ll see you next week� if you�re still alive,� He smiled. Anger I didn�t know was in me suddenly made itself known and any rational thought I had disappeared. I walked over to him and grabbed the cigarette form him and stomped it out on the floor. � Hey!� He said. � Shut up!� I yelled. � You think because you�re a psychiatrist you cant treat people anyway you want, like you can get in their heads or something, but you cant. You have no right to make fun of someone and then turn around and say � it was all in the name of medicine� you don�t know about anything I�ve been through, but what�s in that file, and that file is shit!� I screamed, pacing along the hardwood floor. � I could kick your ass, AJ McLean-� � Oh yeah?� He said standing up and facing me. � Then do it,� He challenged. He stood only mere inches away from me. His brown eyes intrigued me, and for a minute I got scared. But only for a minute. � You wanna hit me? You wanna push me? Go ahead,� So I did. Strength I didn�t know I had surged through me and I pushed him back. He stumbled back, catching himself on the couch. He walked back over to me and stood in front of me once again. He didn�t say anything; he just looked into my eyes, challenging me. Something told me I was being set up, but I didn�t care, at the moment it felt far too good to stop, so I pushed him again. This time he flipped over the edge of the couch and landing with a thud. I gasped and ran over to him, kneeling down to help him up. � Oh my god, Mr. McLean are you okay?� I asked. � I�m so sorry, I didn�t mean-� He sat up and looked at me. � Never apologize. If you do something from your heart never apologize for it,� He smiled. � And, Ms. Perkins we�ve just begun our first session,� *** After our first session, AJ and I became fast friends. He made me laugh, and didn�t seem like a psychiatrist at all. He didn�t make me lie on the couch and tell him about my childhood, and he didn�t pass judgment on me. In fact I never even saw him write anything in my file. He did ask that I keep a journal, and if I felt like it I could read him the entry the following week, but never forced the issue. He was like a big brother to me. For the first couple of weeks, we had our sessions in his office, but he told me he enjoyed life far too much to be cooped up in an office for 8 hours, so we�d often walk to the McDonalds down the street and talk there. He had his own table, and the whole crew knew him. It was amazing! I never knew someone could love McDonalds so much! Things were better at home. Nick and I were slowly getting back on track, but he was still shying away from me. Whenever I tried to talk about it he�d dismiss it as work stuff and change the subject. Rachel met a new guy, his name was Josh. He was very kind and treated Rachel like a goddess. I saw less and lees of her outside of work, but I didn�t mind. I had Nick and AJ�. � So Feather (AJ�s nickname for me), how are thing�s this week?� He asked stuffing several fries into his mouth. I shrugged, playing with the straw in my pop. � I think Nick�s gonna break up with me,� I sighed. AJ looked up at me, shocked. � What?� � I do. I think he�s just waiting for the right time.� � Heather, you said last week things were going good-� � Well I must have been wrong. He�s been cold and distant all week, and he hasn�t kissed me in days. I�m sure of it. He still hates me for getting the abortion and trying to kill myself,� I said quietly, so the other patrons of McDonalds wouldn�t have to listen to my story. � He hates me, AJ,� � Want me to kick his ass?� He asked raising an eyebrow. � Cause I can you know,� � I�m serious AJ,� I said, trying to stifle a laugh, with no success. � What should I do?� � What are you asking me for? I don�t know,� He shrugged. � You�re supposed to help me with this stuff-� � Uh uh honey,� He said shaking his head. � I�m supposed to help you with matters of the head, not matters of the heart,� � I was thinking maybe I should� ya know� sleep with him,� AJ practically choked on the food in his mouth and quickly washed it own with the rest of his tea. � Please tell me you didn�t just say that, Heather,� He said weakly, still trying to get air to his lungs. � Please. You are hardly ready for sex,� � You don�t know that, I�m sure I could do it. How hard can it be? No pun intended,� I smiled. He flashed a quick smile before turning serious again. � Heather, I can�t tell you what to do, you�re an adult and in the end you�ll have to make the decision, but sleeping with someone to hold onto them isn�t the direction you want to go. I know you love Nick, you know you love Nick, but Does Nick know you love Nick? If you want to show him you love him, there are other ways,� � But that�s probably why he�s leaving,� � Feather, what did you tell me about Nick a few weeks ago? Do you remember?� He asked. I though back, but came up with nothing. I shook my head. � No,� � You told me you didn�t want to depend on him. You told me you wanted to be your own person-� � I do,� � Sleeping with Nick to keep him around is pretty needy wouldn�t you say? If Nick wants to break up with you, let him-� � That�s easy for you to say. This isn�t your life-� � This isn�t your life either, Heather. This is only a part of your life. HE�S only part of your life. You don�t need him. I want you to be completely independent, Heather. And you�re a smart, beautiful, you�re funny, and multi-talented�. Care for me to go on?� � No. I get the point. I don�t need Nick Carter in my life to be happy,� I said. � There you go,� He said. � By George I think she�s got it!� He said throwing in a fake british accent. I smiled at him and finished my lunch. �I don�t need Nick Carter�, I thought. My heart was telling me otherwise�. Part Eleven |