Mystery Sonic Theatre 3235 by Sonic Dust ------------------------------------------------------------- The Sonic characters are İSega/Dic, and the Mario characters are İNintendo. Be it known I have full cooperation of the author to MST this fic, so I'm not just trashing it. I've got a license to MST! I think this deserves to be in multiple spots, don't you? ------------------------------------------------------------- *the curtain goes up to reveal the reviewers on stage. A blue hedgehog is standing in the middle, and is flanked by a red spiny echidna, a coyote with a toupee, and a green dinosaur with a saddle on his back. the hedgehog speaks:* "Hello, and welcome to Mystery Sonic Theatre 3235. I'm your host, Sonic the Hedgehog, and this is my panel of reviewers: Knuckles the Echidna, Antoine D'Coolette, and, uh..." "Yoshi," the tyrannosaur-like creature said. "Yeah. We just finished building this theatre, and thought it would be a good addition to our humble little village." "And moi would 'ave gone with zee green carpait." "Shut up, Ant. Anyway, today we will be reviewing a Mario fanfiction. In this story, Princess Toadstool is-" "Don't give it away, stupid," the echidna whispered. "Okay, fine, redlocks. Let's go siddown and let 'em read." "I must go to zee lavatory before moi can do zis." "Well, we're gonna start without you." "Zut alors! Zen I weel hold eet." "NO, PLEASE! We don't want stains in Mystery Sonic Theatre!" "You fuel." "I do not fuel!" "No, fuel! FUEL!" "Say 'fuel' one more time, and I'll give you some jet lag that you'll-" "Geez, cool it, you guys," Knuckles put in. "We'll never get this thing in motion." "Yoshi want snack." "Okay, fine! We'll be back after this, ladies and gentlemen. (you guys suck!)" ------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL Try Lard-in-a-Can! The only aersosal lard on the market! Now comes in mint and papaya! ------------------------------------------------------------- *curtain goes up. Yoshi has a tub of popcorn, and Knuckles has a soda and JuJuBes* "Okay, welcome back to MST. Are we ready now?!?!?!" "Sure, man," Knuckles said. "Shoot." "I wish I was dead. Or at least a frog. Well, let's go." *they take their seats as the fic starts. from here on out, what the reviewers say will be next to their names.* ------------------------------------------------------------- Kung Fu Fighting Peach by Robin Lee ------------------------------------------------------------- KNUX: Oh, this looks great already. YOSHI: Popcorn need more butter. SONIC: Shh! Here we go. A loud scream resounded through the stately halls of the castle. SONIC: What castle? Toad covered his ears, waiting for it to be over. Then he slowly made his way under the great dining table. TWAN: Eet iz zo great! Waiting for the hurricane. SONIC: A storm cellar would be a much better place. KNUX: I dunno... do castles have those? SONIC: Mine would. And a sauna. Peach stormed into the dining hall. YOSHI: Too many storms. Yoshi scared! Her face was red and she held a piece of paper in her hand. "What...is...this?" she seethed. Toad winced. "It's, um, KNUX: My phone number. Didn't you want it? your schedule, your highness." "No, Toad. I mean this." She thrust the paper under his nose and pointed angrily. KNUX: Yep, that's my number. 555-MUSH. "Oh, that." He meekly crawled from under the table and tried to explain. TWAN: Zis makes me wondair what iz under thaire. "Well...yes...you see, it's like this..." SONIC: When a man and a woman love each other very- KNUX: SHUT UP! *throws his gum at him* TWAN: You 'ad gum? And you no offer moi any? Peach folded her arms and tapped her foot impatiently. "I'm waiting." KNUX: To exhale. "I, just...thought you could benefit from... SONIC: Extensive shock therapy, followed by a round of mini golf. YOSHI: Ooh, Yoshi love mini golf! self defense...lessons." "How could I possibly benefit from that??" "Your highness, you could get attacked-" "By who?" "Well, SONIC: The Spanish inquisition! TWAN: No one expects zee Spanish inquisition! KNUX: WHAAAT?! SONIC: *tosses the wad of gum back at him* Never mind. And by the way, I hate cinnamon. Bowser for instance-" "He's too big for anyone to karate chop, Toad!" "Well, umm..." "Who's going to attack me? Oh, let me guess, Mario?" TWAN: But of course! Zee plumbair of doom! KNUX: Mario in the castle with the lead pipe! It wasn't Colonel Mustard after all! Toad shrugged. "It could happen." SONIC: Only at My McDonalds. TWAN: We love to zee you zmile! "Ah, I can beat up that pansy any day. My point is, I'm not taking these lessons." "Yes, you are." Peach turned around to face the owner of the voice. "Well, speak of the devil! SONIC: It's Elton John! YOSHI: Peach is tiny dancer! Here's Mario." SONIC: *plays Tonight Show music, they all clap* "Peach, we only care for your safety," argued Luigi. SONIC: Where did he come from?! YOSHI: Pay no attention to Luigi behind curtain! "Oh, so you're the ones who arranged this?" "Darn straight. KNUX: For the reals, yo. Listen Peach, you're going to take the lessons. You might like it-" "You suck!" SONIC: He'd like- KNUX: STOP IT, DUDE! SONIC: Excuuuuuuuse me, allmighty Guardian. "Ok, like it or not, TWAN: *sings* You 'ave done eet zis time. *everyone else covers ears and screams* you're taking the lessons." "I'm not going, and no one can make me!!" she shouted. *** Half an hour later. Peach was shoved into a dressing room, and she popped out in the appropriate garb for karate. SONIC: Just how big was this dressing room that she needed to be shoved in and squeeze back out? Are we talkin' mouse hole here? Only it was pink. YOSHI: Pretty Gi. Mario and Luigi grabbed her before she could get away. KNUX: You'll beat the crap out of people and like it, Peach, or no ruling the country for a week! She was thrown into a large room and the double doors shut loudly behind her. "You Mario Brothers are going to pay for this!" she screeched. KNUX: Wanna go for a month, young lady? She leaned against the locked door angrily, huffing and puffing. The door next to her opened, and a tall man walked in. SONIC: It's a circus stilt clown! KNUX: Get 'im! He smiled and introduced himself. "Hello, your highness, I'm Mike SONIC: The TV! KNUX: Dude, nobody watches ReBoot anymore. SONIC: But it's so good! Especially season three! KNUX: *whispers* I know, but they already think we're geeks as it is. . I'll be your instructor for the lessons." Peach gawked, eyes bulging. YOSHI: Ow, eyes must hurt. 'Mike' had buff muscles, handsome features, and a winning smile. SONIC: So what'd he win? A cookie? Tickets to "The Producer"? KNUX: A lifetime supply of Super Poly-Grip! Peach starting to grin stupidly. YOSHI: Mike has Stupid Bomb! LOOK OUT! *the others just look at each other and shrug* Maybe these lessons won't be so bad after all, she thought. ------------------------------------------------------------- *break* SONIC: Well, folks, how do you like it so far? I particularly like the part of Peach, as she's... pretty much the only one doing much of anything." TWAN: I must go to zee bat'room again! SONIC: *scowls* Geez, man! Either buy some Depends or get out of here! TWAN: Oui! *runs out the door* KNUX: Dude, we need another reviewer, now. SONIC: Oh, yeah... *in runs Crash Bandicoot* SONIC&KNUX: FOR THE LOVE OF WILFORD BRIMLEY, NOOOOOO! *Knux shoots him with a SuperSoaker, he runs away* SONIC: Whew... that was close... KNUX: *puts away SuperSoaker* Well, who do we get now? RAPHAEL: *enters from manhole that wasn't there before* Hey, guys! SONIC: *whispers* Do they still exist? I thought when their cartoon AND comic book ended they- RAPH: Heard you needed another reviewer, and... well, I'm your turtle! KNUX: Hey, sure, man. Have a seat. SONIC: Are we ready to start again? KNUX: Yep. SONIC: Okay, here we go! ------------------------------------------------------------- Half an hour later. Peach was shoved into a dressing room, and she popped out in the SONIC: HEY! We already saw this part!!! GUY IN THE PROJECTOR ROOM WEARING A SOMBRERO: Sorry! *** Peach walked out of the recreation building, thanking Mike for the moves he had shown her. SONIC: I'll bet he showed her- KNUX: *pulls out a bar of Zest* Your mouth looks a little gunky, there, Sonic. Need me to wash it?! She was dressed in her normal apparel; her pink princess gown. She walked down the street towards the castle, smiling happily. RAPH: Well, yeah. She heard someone call her name, and she turned around curiously. SONIC: How exactly do you do that? A man was running towards her. He held something pink in his hands. YOSHI: Strawberry sundae! SONIC: I somehow doubt it. He had almost reached the Princess when he was propelled back. KNUX: Well, she did just come from the gym, and it didn't say she showered... RAPH: Dojo. KNUX: Eh? Peach reverse-punched him hard in the face. SONIC: You know, it takes much more skill to reverse-punch someone soft. "OW! What the-" he cried out a few curse words, holding his broken nose. YOSHI: It fall off? "That'll teach you," she stated, clenching her fists. KNUX: Yeah! Peach's School of Hard Knocks! SONIC: I bought a bag of those once... they were a little dry. "I was just going to return this!" He handed Peach her purse then ran away, crying. Peach lifted her eyebrows at the purse in her hands, then waved to the man, smiling. RAPH: Service with a smile. "Sorry!" she called out in a sing-songy voice. SONIC: She's Brenda Lee! KNUX&RAPH: Who? *** Some weeks later, Mario and Luigi met in secret. RAPH: We gotta take out Big Scapelli. He's cuttin' in on our action. SONIC: Yes, but we only have a couple bottles of Drain-O! RAPH: Hey, that stuff stings the eyes. "Man, this karate stuff has gone too far!" said Luigi. "Tell me about it. KNUX: Well, you see, Peach has been acting very... Crouching Princess, Hidden Bowser lately, and I'm worried it'll interfere with her knitting. I still can't get over that Wario deal." YOSHI: Deal on Wario? He scary, not worth much. "Huh, yeah, I remember. He tried to kidnap her, and she gave him a roundhouse kick and pulled a "miss congeniality-move' on him. SONIC: Boy, do I wish I'd seen that one. Actually, not really. S.I.N.G., wasn't it?" RAPH: I don't sing. Sorry. "Ugh, don't remind me..." grunted Mario. "I think I gotta sit down." KNUX: He's not sure. "The point is, she kicked his butt. YOSHI: And that it. No other part. She's kicking everyone's butt, KNUX: Even those "Whazaaap" guys! SONIC: Awright! and if we don't do something fast, she won't have a need for us anymore. And we'll be out of a job." "What do you mean, Luigi? We'll still have the plumbing business." "Yeah, well... plumbing may put food on the table, but body-guarding the Princess gives us desert!" SONIC: Yum, y- KNUX: THAT'S IT! *shoves the soap in his mouth* SONIC: *spits it out* What, what?! I like desert! "AMEN!" agreed Mario and gave his brother a high five. SONIC: Hallelujah! KNUX: Praise the Lord! RAPH: Preach it, brer Weegie! YOSHI: I see the light! Wait... that my watch. Indiglo! "So... what'll we do?" They sat a while in thought. Mario stood up suddenly. SONIC: It's parfait time! RAPH: You know what to do. "Didn't Peach say Bowser is 'too big to karate chop'?" Luigi narrowed his eyes. SONIC: You dare bring up the- KNUX: I think I may have to break out the duct tape. "Yeeaahh... so what's your point?" "Get me some coins... cause I got a plan." RAPH: Princess kicks the whole Mushroom Kingdom's butt, and we buy a case of beer and move to Queens. SONIC: Only if we get an apartment with a bay window. *** Peach sat inside her bedroom, gazing at the mirror. RAPH: This could turn into Poltergeist real fast. It was covered with pictures or memories of her gorgeous karate teacher Mike. YOSHI: Can put memories on mirror? What kind of glue you use to attach thought? She remembered his first words to her... RAPH: Armageddon is at hand... and foot! SONIC: Are you sure you're not made of radioactive isotopes? KNUX: Where's my Rolaids?! "Hello, your highness, I'm Mike. I'll be your instructor for the lessons." SONIC: WE'VE ALLREADY SEEN- GUY IN THE PROJECTOR ROOM WEARING A SOMBRERO: No, it's cued up right. They're just repeating themselves. SONIC: Oh... "Hello, Mike," she answered dreamily to herself. "I'm in love, and I'll be your slave for the rest of my life-" RAPH: Man, would that be cool. SONIC: Yeah, especially... *he stopped when he saw Knuckles's look* She was interrupted when the door to her room crashed open. In walked SONIC: Bobcat Goldthwait? KNUX: Selma Hayek? YOSHI: Batman's evil twin, Ratwoman? RAPH: Scott Baio in a panda suit? Bowser, flanked by six Koopa Troopas. ALL: Awwww... Peach stood up angrily. "What is the meaning of this? You're not to come into my room!" SONIC: It's not Thursday! *Knux knocks him out of his chair and they fight in the aisle* RAPH: And they say I'm the rude one... people, eh? "Time to go, Princess." SONIC: *standing shakily* I've got the private plane gassed up and our passports are in order. To Tijuana! "No." She stood in her fighting stance, frowning. KNUX: I don't have a passport. What kinda crap are you tryin' to pull? "Ha. You think you can take me?" YOSHI: I thought he taking her. Silly Koopa. He threw up his hands in mock fear and spoke in a high voice. "Oh no! She's going to hurt me!" he laughed rudely, then growled. "I think someone's been playing Street Fighter 2 a little too often." SONIC: Dude, everybody knows Tekken Tag is the best fighting game ever... KNUX: Hey, what about Mortal Kombat, dipstick? SONIC: Mortal Kombat sucks! *back they go into the aisle, staining the new 'midnight swim' carpets red* He snapped his fingers, and the Troopas RAPH: Started a conga line. YOSHI: *gets up and dances* advanced on the Princess... Minutes later, after the dust settled, Peach stood triumphantly over six consecutive turtles, with little X's in place of their eyes. SONIC: I didn't know she was trained in the Deadly Sharpie fighting style. Bowser raised his eye brows slightly and cleared his throat, trying to keep his composure. "Well, that was... shameful, on my part. But you haven't fought with the grandmaster yet, little 'Jacqueline' Chan!" "Bring it on, Bowser boy!" KNUX: I feel a Matrix scene coming on... *** Mario and Luigi walked to Peach's room later that day, smiling to themselves. SONIC: *grins* KNUX: Don't make me- SONIC: Relax, I won't say it... but you can't keep me from thinking it. "I hope it worked," worried Luigi. RAPH: I knew it! They rigged her microwave to send her to the dimension of evil pork rinds! "Relax, bro. When Mario's in control, the plan never fails." He opened the door to her room and stopped short. Peach was sitting in front of her mirror again, gazing adoringly into it. KNUX: Oh, here comes that pinhead guy. RAPH: That's Hellraiser. KNUX: Right... sorry. "Wh-wh-where's B-bowser?" Mario stuttered. SONIC: In Tijuana. Probably got tired of waiting for her to pack. "Oh, he's not here. I gave him a what for. SONIC: A wet floor? How'd he fit that in a suitcase? KNUX: Do you need a Miracle Ear, dude? He won't be bothering me for a while," she grinned, almost sinisterly. Mario frowned in thought as Luigi passed out on the floor. RAPH: Must be anemic. "Wait, Peach. I thought you didn't LIKE the idea of karate." "No, I think you were right, Mario. Self defense is a good thing to know... especially when studying under sensei Mike." SONIC: Need I say it? KNUX: No, you needn't. She sighed dreamily and gazed into the mirror. RAPH: And got sucked in, while her mirror world opposite got into the Mushroom Kingdom. SONIC: What's the difference between the two? RAPH: The opposite has collagen in her lips. *the others gasp* Mario's face suddenly lit up with the prospect of another plan, and he excused himself, YOSHI: Whoooeee! Too many burritos last night, eh, Mario? picking up Luigi by the ankles. "Where are you going?" asked Peach innocently. SONIC: To enter the human wheelbarrow race. Where else? Luigi, get movin'! "Uh, KNUX: Tijuana. I hear it's a pretty happenin' place lately. we uh, have to.... fix some pipes." He dragged Luigi to his room and shut the door. "I know what we have to do!" he said aloud, pacing the floor. Luigi came to eventually, shaking his head as if to shake KNUX: Shake, shake, signora! away what he heard in Peach's room. "What are we going to do now, oh wise Mario?" he asked sarcastically. SONIC: Mario has de answers! YOSHI: Call me now for free tarot card readin'! "Bowser ran off like a girl-" "I hope we get our money back," grumbled Luigi. RAPH: We wanted him to run off like a squid. Cheapskate! "And it's not Peach who's the problem... it's KNUX: The FBI? YOSHI: The CIA? SONIC: The DMV? RAPH: Elian Gonzales? Mike!" ALL: WOW! "Oh ho, I get it." He lifted his eye brows SONIC: From their spot on the footstool. grinning. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "I hope so... but if they called them "Sad Meals", nobody would buy them." SONIC: Not a bad quip, per se. RAPH: Who you callin' Percy? Luigi rolled his eyes and grabbed his tool belt. KNUX: We go back to work and forget the whole thing. "We have to find Mike!" YOSHI: No, Mike is crazy! He'll be in loony bin! SONIC: Or Mike, Missouri. They'll never look for him there. *** Someone knocked at Mike's front door, and he opened it to see a fat man in overalls on his doorstep. KNUX: It's either Dom DeLuise or Jonathan Winters. SONIC: It's Red Herring! RED HERRING: No, it isn't! *throws a Slim Jim at him and stalks out* "Hi! I think you called about the plumbing for your house." "I don't have any plumbing prob-" "Sure you do! Everyone does, you're just one of the lucky people we want to help before it's too late." RAPH: Aren't we lucky they haven't started that spiel yet. KNUX: They haven't?! I knew that mustached plumber looked familiar... and I don't mean one of the brothers. SONIC: You let Robotnik do your plumbing? KNUX: Hey, my showers've never run hotter. Mario stepped in, looking around his house. "Uh, the bathroom's this way," offered Mike. Mario made a face. SONIC: Toilet Duck is the only one goin' in there. "I don't do bathrooms, buddy, I was looking for the kitchen." YOSHI: Yoshi want snack. SONIC: Here. *hands him the Slim Jim* "Well, you're a plumber, aren't you?" RAPH: No way, mush brain. This tool belt simply signifies I'm a member of the High Council of Ratchets and Copper Pipes... which has no ackronym since it would be HCRCP, and that's not very catchy. "So where's that leaky sink?" SONIC: Up your- KNUX: Watch it... SONIC: Chimney. RAPH: Smooth. Mike was baffled. "Uh, it's over this way." They walked into the kitchen, and a man in black jumped from the ceiling, yelling. KNUX: Finally, the Matrix scene! Mike RAPH: A.K.A., Neo, caught the movement, and moved out of the way just as Luigi hit the floor. "Oohhh... my head." SONIC: What was in those burritos? "What's this about?" SONIC: It's about the love between the brothers and the sisters, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllll over this laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand! KNUX: *with hands over his ears* And you told 'Twan to shut up! Mike looked at Mario. "Do you know this guy?" "Um, no, what made you ask that?" Luigi stood up from the ground and resumed a fighting stance. Mike laughed. "Oh, I see. You want to take me out?" "No, why would I want to date you? SONIC: I was gonna say that, but since he already did... I just wanna beat you up, shove you in a bag, and send you to Kalamazoo." RAPH: With no postage? It wouldn't make it. "Oh, ok." Mike prepared his fighting stance YOSHI: With cloves and Italian dressing. Serves four. as well. Mario turned his back and whistled as the two battled it out. RAPH&KNUX: Wuss. *** 1 week later. SONIC: What's a Later, and why is it so weak? KNUX: Danger, Will Robinson! Homonym error! Peach walked in the castle and sighed, flopping into a chair. "What's wrong, your highness?" asked Toad carefully. "Well, I went down to the recreation building for my lessons, SONIC: And I suddenly realized I was in my underwear! KNUX: You were dreaming, Princess. RAPH: I'd like to be in that dream... but sensei Mike wasn't there! He hasn't shown up in a long time." "Oh, that's a shame," said Mario sadly, shaking his head. YOSHI: We pay him in advance, the scum. Peach looked up and gasped. "Luigi! What happened to your arm? And your face?" The younger plumber was a wreck, one arm in a cast and bandages all over his head. "Oh, well... we... I was, just... SONIC: Mario let one near the stove, and... well, I didn't stand a chance. fixing a pipe." "Must have been one heck of a leak." KNUX: No, but after that explosion, I found I had taken one in my pants. Toad spoke. "Are you terribly sad about missing the lessons, Princess Peach?" "No, not really sad. I mean, it was fun for a while, but I think I like my life back to normal." RAPH: I bet I know a lot more moves than Mike... KNUX: Hey, wait... do you think that Mike is... MIKEY?! RAPH: No, this Mike is too smart... and he hasn't once mentioned pizza. "Whew, me too," sighed Mario. "I wonder where Mike is now..." thought Peach out loud. ALL: Tijuana! "Oh, I'm sure that wherever he is, he's juuuust fine..." **Cut to Kalamazoo airport, where Mike is taped up in a big black plastic bag, buried under piles of SONIC: Silver banana peels. KNUX: You know what I WANNA say... SONIC: Yeah, me too... luggage.** ------------------------------------------------------------- SONIC: Well, I hope you enjoyed seeing us utterly destroy this fanfiction. I know I did. TWAN: *rushes in* I 'ave zee Depends!!! SONIC: Nobody cares, now, french fry. TWAN: *puts hands on hips* I buy zeese theengs for nothing?! RAPH: Yep. KNUX: Looks that way. TWAN: *throws the package down, storms out, grumbling* SONIC: Well, we'll see ya here next time on Mystery Sonic Theatre 3235! YOSHI: Yoshi want snack. ~the end~ ------------------------------------------------------------- Raphael İMirage Studios. Forgot that one. Now that you've read this, please read & review my other fictions! I have an embarrassingly small amount of reviews for my action fics. Even if you don't read them, thanks for reading this one. Review, please!