by Colin C. Coad
12/5/04
Sometimes the inscriptions are philosophical maxims or analogies; I remember one inscription that read, "Life is like an onion: if you cut it, it will make you cry." It made me think: how does one "cut" life? Is an onion another of God's creations put on Earth to serve as an analogy? What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? Are we really moving at the speed of light toward some massive meteor? What would happen if I drank a lava lamp? The world may never know.
Sometimes they are witty: "You know. . .sometimes I get the urge to run around naked. When this happens I drink Windex. . .it keeps me from streaking". I'll admit it's corny, but it's definitely better than looking at a blank wall.
I specifically remember piece of toilet literature that stared me in the face one day while I took a break from my pizza to release some pressure. It was a single word. I hope you appreciate it as much as I do. The word, written as elegantly as one can in crayon while peeing in capital letters, was "Fantastapotamus". Clearly it is a combination of two merely semi-exciting words, "fantastic" and "hippopotamus". If combined, they form something spectacular. It's sort of like peanut butter and jelly. Or like electric guitar and saxophone. Okay maybe just peanut butter and jelly.
Go ahead, say it: "Fantastapotamus."
Feels good, doesn't it?
Now go find somebody and look them in the eye for a couple seconds, and then smack them in the face with "fantastapotamus". They'll enjoy it. Trust me. Or they'll just think you're weird.
Either way, FANTASTAPOTAMUS.